


The Notion of You

by Bubulona



Category: Dark (TV 2017)
Genre: 1980s, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Missing Scene, will add/change tags as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 123,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26310388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubulona/pseuds/Bubulona
Summary: A Kahnwald family fanfic. A look at this family starting from the 1980s and ending in the 1910s.SPOILERS FOR ALL THREE SEASONS.
Relationships: Hannah Kahnwald & Jonas Kahnwald, Hannah Kahnwald & Katharina Nielsen, Hannah Kahnwald/Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen, Hannah Kahnwald/Ulrich Nielsen, Hannah Krüger & Sebastian Krüger, Ines Kahnwald & Hannah Kahnwald, Ines Kahnwald & Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen, Jonas Kahnwald & Ines Kahnwald, Jonas Kahnwald & Michael Kahnwald | Mikkel Nielsen, Katharina Nielsen/Ulrich Nielsen
Comments: 239
Kudos: 63
Collections: Kahnwald Collection





	1. The truth is a strange thing, but everyone has some notion of it

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Dark. This wonderful and complicated series belongs to Baran bo Odar and Jantje Friese and Netflix.
> 
> This is a fic that will focus on the Kahnwald family as we know it (Mikkel/Michael, Hannah, Ines, and Jonas). I want to explore their lives, their relationships, family dynamics, and how things came to be. I'm planning on writing this from their different POVs. I will start this fic with the 1980s because I feel like that's when things begin for them. During that time the main focus will be on writing Mikkel's, Hannah's, and Ines's POVs. The first few chapters will be on the episodes from Season 1.

The truth is a strange thing. Sometimes it can be so strange that a person could only have the vague notion of it. From there, a person could decide what could be construed as the truth and what would be construed as the lie.

No one had known this better than the Kahnwald family, who, despite being a family, had never really known each other as much as they had thought they did. But maybe no one really knows what a person is like… Perhaps one could only have a vague notion, just like the truth.

Like Mikkel, who didn’t know how and why he had been sent to the past, but he had had some notion of it.

Or like Ines, who didn’t know where Mikkel had come from or anything about his origins, but she had had some notion of it.

Or perhaps like Hannah, who didn’t know what had sparked her interest in Michael, but she had had some notion of it.

Or perhaps even like Jonas, who didn’t know why his family had been so different from other families, or why his parents had gotten together, or why his mother and grandmother had never gotten along, or why his father had acted the way he had, but he too had had some notion of it.

And despite all their time together as a family and all of their shared memories, smiles, and love, none of them had ever truly known the judgment, the lies, the false appearances, and the secrets that each one kept from the other. Just like none of them had known why Michael had chosen to take his own life, or why Ines had refused to be with her family, or why Jonas had disappeared, or why Hannah had done what she did, but everyone had had some notion of it.

But then again, maybe none of them had ever really known the truth.


	2. Noticing the unnoticed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there was something that Hannah Krüger knew that she was better at than everyone else, it had to be her ability to observe and notice the unnoticed. So it was no coincidence that she had been the first one to notice the strange boy in the skeleton suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be on Hannah's pov on the 5th of November. It doesn't really focus on Mikkel (because he's pretty much no one but a stranger to her) as much as it does on Hannah and her thoughts on Katharina and Ulrich. The next two chapters will also focus on that day, although it will be from Mikkel's and Ines's povs (but I'll be looking at different things).  
> I tried keeping this as canon compliant as I could. I didn't think it would be this long (or as detailed) but I think I got too into Hannah's pov, lol.

In a town like Winden, where nothing happened and everyone knew each other, it was easy to accept the idea that no one had anything to hide. But that wasn’t true. Everyone had secrets. Everyone had something that went unnoticed by others. And no one knew this better than Hannah Krüger.

If there was something that Hannah Krüger knew that she was better at than everyone else, it had to be her ability to observe and notice the unnoticed. So it was no coincidence that she had been the first one to notice the strange boy in the skeleton suit.

* * *

_November 5th 1986_

For Hannah Krüger it was a typical school morning. Like any other day, she stood near Katharina and Ingrid in the busy Gesamtschule Winden’s hallway. And like any other day, the hallways were filled with the usual student chatter and laughter, with the banging of lockers, and with the opening and closing of doors as classes were about to start.

All used to that, Hannah looked up at Katharina, who was leaning against the hallway wall, looking as imposing and cool as ever with her hands in her jacket pockets. Like most days, Katharina’s chin was tilted a little, and although her posture was relaxed, there was still some formidable air around her as if to say that, despite her not having a care in the world, should opportunity arise, she would not hesitate to punch anyone in her way... which not surprisingly was almost every day. Katharina pulled a cassette tape from her pocket and gave it to Ingrid.

“It’s awesome,” Katharina said. While Ingrid grabbed the tape, Hannah noticed that Katharina wasn’t done talking. By now Hannah was more than an expert at being able to tell when Katharina was done in a conversation. 

The school bell rang but Katharina ignored it, choosing to continue talking. “Know what the song’s about?”

Ingrid shook her head. “No.”

With a smile slowly creeping in, Katharina turned her gaze towards Hannah and said, “A man who kidnaps a girl and takes her to the forest, just because she’s wearing red lipstick. In the end, he kills her.”

Hannah raised her eyebrows and smiled slightly; she briefly wondered if that could ever happen in Winden.

“That’s heavy,” Ingrid commented as she became engrossed in the cassette tape.

And like any other day, no one bothered asking for Hannah’s opinion. She had never been one to talk much, but Hannah was more than aware that if she didn’t chime in and gave her opinion, no one would ever ask her, or care, what she thought about anything. And like any other day of her life, Hannah spoke up. “My dad says lipstick is only for prostitutes. Anyway, I like Nino D’Angelo way more than Falco.”

Engaged in their conversation, none of the three teenaged girls noticed a bizarre kid walking through the hallways doors and looking around, his eyes only stopping once he found their little group.

“Hannah, you’re as square as they come,” Katharina said. Although her voice held no malice, Hannah decided to ignore the comment and pretend like it didn’t bother her—it was routine for her at this point.

Coming to Hannah’s defense, Ingrid said, “Come on, Katharina. Don’t be so nasty.”

Hannah smiled slightly, the corner of her lips not lifting as much as she wanted them to. No matter what she did, she could never find herself not caring about what was said about her. It was in moments like these that she wished she could be a little more like Katharina—not that Hannah would ever get caught admitting that—, but sometimes she liked to imagine that she was like her. Very much like Katharina, Hannah kept her hands in her pockets and walked around with a cool attitude, and, on occasion, imitated Katharina’s fearsome gaze when irritated.

But the truth was that it never worked; not when she needed it the most, and especially not around Katharina. So instead, very much like any other day, imagining that she could do magic and make someone—anyone—appear to distract Katharina from making another comment about her, Hannah quickly looked down, and then turned her gaze towards her right. That’s when she noticed a pair of shoes coming their way. She looked up to see the owner.

And that’s the moment she first saw him, and not at the hospital like she would believe later on in life. 

And like everyone in Winden, he looked out of place, and yet, oddly enough, he fit in.

He looked younger than her, which wasn’t saying much considering that she looked like a child herself, but compared to guys like Ulrich, his face looked too young and his height was that of maybe a ten or an eleven year old. It struck her odd that the boy had a few cuts and was covered in dirt, as if he had been living in the forest or had been hidden somewhere in a cave. Hannah frowned a little as she realized that although he wore a red jacket, he had a skeleton costume on, vaguely looking like someone she had once seen in a dream.

Had something happened to him?

Although Hannah was the first to notice him through the corner of her eye, his eyes weren’t on her for they had landed on Katharina—typical, everyone always noticed Katharina first. And while Hannah felt tempted to talk to him, Katharina had already beaten her to it.

“What are you looking at?” Katharina asked, sounding upset, but then again, when didn’t her voice sound like she hated everyone and everything? “Weren’t you at Ulrich’s place earlier?”

But rather than reply, the boy kept looking at Katharina, as if waiting for an answer or something. Hannah couldn’t help but wonder if he was too terrified of Katharina to give a proper reply. Hannah knew that feeling too well.

“Are you new here?” Hannah asked with a more concern and with a much gentler approach than Katharina. This almost felt like a déjà vu, because although she had never seen the boy before, there definitely was something familiar about him. But unlike Katharina, Hannah was just being a nice and decent human being, for he clearly looked like he was troubled. It didn’t take a genius to see the confusion in his face. And it’s not that Hannah thought she could understand the boy, but in that small and brief moment, she couldn’t help but see something of herself in him.

It’s only after Hannah asked her question that the boy shook his head and turned his eyes towards her.

Who did he remind her of?

“I… I’m looking for my mom,” he said.

“This isn’t kindergarten,” Katharina mocked him. Hannah wanted to say something, but she couldn’t risk her friendship with Katharina—or her social status and safety for that matter—for this boy.

The kid looked at Katharina, and he said, “She’s the principal here.”

Katharina raised her eyebrows, amusement slowly creeping in. “Mr. Hubert?”

Hannah chuckled and proceeded to see her friends’ reactions.

“He may be a fag, but he’s certainly not a woman,” Katharina added. All three of them laughed, choosing to ignore the boy’s scared and confused reaction.

“Isn’t this Winden?” he asked, his voice wavering.

“Aren’t you a bit young to drop acid?” Katharina scoffed as she walked away, not minding that she had just shoved the lost boy with her elbow.

All three teenaged girls left in a straight line, leaving the strange and mysterious boy in the skeleton suit behind.

“You guys got history now?” Ingrid asked.

Hannah turned around to reply, expecting to see the boy still standing where they had left him, but to her mild surprise, the lost boy had vanished into thin air.

“What a creep,” Katharina muttered under her breath.

Ingrid laughed. “I know, right? A complete weirdo. He looked so dirty.”

They all stopped walking, getting ready to enter their classrooms.

Hannah looked down and shrugged. “I think he was lost.”

Katharina rolled her eyes and said, “Wow, Hannah. We didn’t know he was lost. Thank you for pointing out the obvious.” She shook her head and gave Hannah a disapproving look as though she was seemingly unable to understand why Hannah would point out something so obvious that it made her look stupid.

Hannah shrunk into herself and breathed in slowly, struggling to keep her emotions in. There was only so little she could say or do to Katharina that wouldn’t be worse than anything Katharina could ever say or do to her. Hannah hated how Katharina always held the power Hannah wanted. If only Hannah could be more like Katharina, or at the very least, if she could stand out in a way that made Katharina look worse, then things would be better for her. Trying not to snap, Hannah mumbled, “I’m just saying, maybe we should've taken him to Mr. Hubert.”

Katharina and Ingrid looked at each other. But before anyone could say anything sarcastic about the weirdo to Hannah, Ulrich appeared, seamlessly breaking into their circle, and throwing his arm around Katharina’s shoulder. Not even a second had passed before he decided to give Katharina a long and deep kiss.

Hannah pressed her lips together and looked down, waiting for their kiss to finish, desperately pretending like she wasn’t imagining that it was Ulrich kissing her and not Katharina, that his lips and tongue weren’t going down Katharina’s mouth and that Katharina’s hands weren’t all over Ulrich’s soft hair.

Hannah looked up to see that Ingrid was getting her geometry textbook, getting ready to head out to her classroom door. And then, Hannah, who was getting more upset as the seconds went by, got an idea to make Ulrich and Katharina stop.

“Katharina,” Hannah began, her voice soft but demanding attention. To her dismay, there was no response. Ulrich and Katharina were eagerly eating each other’s faces, and Hannah felt her face get hot. Her patience was running thin. Her voice grew stronger and louder as she said, “Katharina Albers!”

It was only then that the couple split apart. To her annoyance, Ulrich and Katharina were dazed and flustered, their lips red and their breaths a little uneven. Once out of it, Katharina stared at Hannah with an expression that seemed to ask: _What do you want?_

Hannah scowled. “We need to go. We have a test, remember?”

Katharina rolled her eyes, and gave Ulrich another kiss, though this time briefer and less sloppy. Ulrich winked at her and Katharina shook her head playfully as she walked away.

_This is my chance._

Once Hannah made sure that Katharina had entered the classroom and had sat down, Hannah turned around with a grin and said, “Bye, Ulrich.”

But Ulrich had already left.

 _Bummer_ , she thought with a sigh.

Why did no one ever pay her any attention?

Was she really that hard to miss?

* * *

If there was one person that was most definitely not hard to miss at all, it was Ulrich Nielsen. His presence was noticed by all. No matter where he was, no matter the time of day, no matter the circumstance, there was always someone who spoke about him.

Ulrich was always the topic of many conversations, most of them in the form of not-so-secret crushes and rumors about his many rebellious acts. He was loud but never annoying. He was always breaking the rules but rarely ever got caught. He could say anything, absolutely anything, and no one ever thought it was stupid—everyone just caught to his every word. And he didn’t even have to say anything to communicate his coolness, because despite being young, Ulrich exuded confidence levels higher than anyone else. He was considered by many as Winden’s epitome of coolness.

Everyone knew who he was—if not by name, then by face. He was the type of person that could literally do absolutely nothing and everyone acknowledged him. There was something about him that made him seem like he had been in Winden and influencing people’s lives since the beginning of time. He was the type of guy that Hannah was more than sure that everyone would always remember. And anyone who was lucky enough to be around him, or even better yet, acknowledged and thought of as cool by Ulrich Nielsen, immediately became _someone_.

It was not that hard for him to become the object of Hannah’s affections and desires.

He was everything she had ever wanted for herself.

* * *

It was already nighttime when Hannah decided it was time to go back home.

Today had been one of the rare days where she hadn’t accompanied her father as he finished his job. To fill the loneliness and conquer the boredom, Hannah had chosen to spend her free time riding her bicycle all throughout Winden, not minding the darkness and the cold November breeze.

As she rode by Winden’s main street, getting close to the bus stop, she saw him.

Ulrich.

She was about to call him when, to her surprise, Ulrich had noticed her arrive; usually, when she rode her bicycle and wandered around, no one ever seemed to notice her lurking around in the shadows.

“Hey, Hannah!” Ulrich called out.

“Hey, Ulrich!” Hannah replied, smile plastered on her face, happy to know that Ulrich had noticed her. Nothing made her happier than having Ulrich giving her the attention she craved.

Hannah got off her bicycle and she was about to reach for the seat closest to her when she noticed that the one next to Ulrich was empty. If she sat next to him maybe their knees would touch. Liking that idea, Hannah took the seat right next to him.

Ulrich wouldn’t mind, right?

Trying to appear as agreeable as possible, but trying to be cool like Katharina, Hannah folded her hands on her knees and looked at the flickering lights before discreetly directing her sight towards Ulrich. She eventually turned her face to see his expression, hoping that he was looking at her just as she was looking at him. She was a little disappointed to find that he was staring straight ahead and not at her.

For a while, there was nothing but the sound of silence and the smell of smoke coming from Ulrich’s cigarette.

She pressed her lips together, briefly wondering what it would be like to share Ulrich’s cigarette—not because she smoked, but if he offered her one she wouldn’t mind—but because it would be like a kiss between them. This could be their moment, this could be the moment when Hannah and Ulrich could become a thing, this could be the moment when they become something more than just her wishful thinking.

And then, Hannah had an idea. She was sure that if she said the correct words, things would happen the way she wanted them to.

Breaking the silence, she asked quietly, “Is this the Apocalypse?”

“Hm,” Ulrich started. He looked at her briefly before looking up. “A bit disappointing.”

“I imagined it being louder. More glaring.” She looked at Ulrich, then back at the flickering lights, already knowing where she wanted the conversation to go. Hannah continued, “If the world ended today, and everything started anew, what would you wish for?” Hannah looked at Ulrich, once again hoping to find his eyes on hers, hoping that he would tell her that she was what he wished for, that she was the one he loved and not Katharina, that it was never Katharina, that it was just to make her jealous, that he loved her, that he—

But Ulrich didn’t turn to look at her, nor did he declare his love for her; he just kept staring forward, taking another drag from his cigarette. “Easy,” he began, like it was the most obvious thing. “A world without Winden.”

Hannah pulled her eyes away from him, measuring his words, trying not to be disappointed. She could only hope that he would ask her what she would wish for and then she would declare her love for him. But Ulrich didn’t ask her, more focused on smoking his cigarette than on her. A small thought flowed through her. It was a really bizarre thought, one that she decided she would never share with anyone. She thought that if she couldn’t have Ulrich’s lips on hers, then she might as well become that cigarette, just to know and have the feeling of Ulrich’s hands and lips on her, to feel like she meant something important to him. And if there was one thing that Hannah knew about Ulrich,—and there many things she knew about him—it was that he couldn’t live without his cigarettes. 

But of course, Hannah didn’t share any of her thoughts nor did she share any of her feelings with him. Instead, she turned to him with a smile and said, “To a world without Winden.”

“To a world without Winden.” He took one last drag from his cigarette and threw it down.

And just then the lights stopped flickering. They both looked up and then toward the street.

She smirked, once again trying to find his eyes, searching for any connection that may have occurred between them, and she added, “I don’t think Winden is going to give up that easily.”

He smiled. “Well, maybe next time.”

She returned the gestured but looked away, allowing the corner of her lips to fall slightly.

Next time would be better.

She was glad that the world hadn’t ended because it meant she still had a chance with Ulrich, a chance to be someone, and a chance to change things in her favor.

And of that much she was sure.


	3. When morning comes everything will be all right…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something bad had happened. He felt it down to his bones, and although his gut told him that nothing was wrong, that he was where he was meant to be, every other part of his body screamed otherwise.
> 
> “Jonas?” he whispered with a broken and hoarse voice, afraid that whatever evil was present in the caves would find Mikkel and take him further into the darkness, never to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who left kudos, as well as badlyinjured, falafelfiction, eitokus, peaches_n_roses, and her_black_tights for the comments on the first two chapters :) it means a lot ^_^
> 
> I also want to give credit to falafelfiction. Without reading "Wanderers in the Darkness" I would have never thought of the yellow raincoat as a blanket for Mikkel. 
> 
> Here I present Mikkel's pov on the fateful day of the 5th of November. 
> 
> I think this is the longest pov. I originally wasn't going to have Mikkel's pov on the day (since we saw most of it in the show), but given that I had already decided to write about Hannah and Ines, I figured it would only be fair to write his as well. I also feel that it helps with the rest of the story. In this chapter, I think most of it is the same as we saw in the show, just with a little more of his thoughts and feelings. One thing I didn't do was write about his trip to school (because I already wrote about it throught Hannah's pov), nor did I write his thoughts on Ines while he's at the hospital (that will explored later). 
> 
> Anyway, for now, I'll be updating once a week (Fridays or Saturdays), but I do eventually intend to update twice a week. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Mikkel still didn't understand what had happened. 

One minute they were all trying to get Erik's drugs, and the next minute they were all running for their lives. 

Mikkel was glad that Jonas had found him. And while he didn't understand why it was safer in the caves, or why they had to go through a tunnel, or why they had to stay in the caves all night, Mikkel didn't doubt Jonas. Mikkel knew that Jonas was a good guy; he had been the only one to stay behind and take care of Mikkel. Mikkel would be forever grateful to him.

But after what felt like hours, Mikkel wanted to go back home. The once ever-present fear that had disappeared while talking with Jonas had come back. Jonas must've noticed the change in Mikkel because he took Mikkel's clammy hand in his and brought him closer, close enough that if Mikkel fell asleep his head would land on Jonas's shoulder. 

“We have to stay here, all night, but when morning comes everything will be all right…” Jonas whispered, his eyes watering.

Mikkel’s voice trembled, his voice growing smaller as he desperately held onto Jonas’s calloused hand. “I'm… I’m scared. What if…”

But Jonas smiled slightly—almost painfully—through the darkness, his words calming Mikkel and melting away the uneasiness. “It’s okay, Mikkel. Everything’s okay; you’re safe. You just need to trust me.”

Mikkel nodded with a small smile, his eyes slowly closing as the darkness took over. He didn't care if it was a lie, with Jonas next to him Mikkel knew nothing could happen. They would protect each other. Feeling Jonas’s grip on his hand tightened, Mikkel whispered, “I trust you, Jonas.”

_I trust you._

* * *

_November 5th 1986_

Before he could open his eyes, Mikkel already knew he wasn’t in his room.

The cold air surrounding him was heavy and unfamiliar, making Mikkel shiver and curl up. Unlike his bed, the surface in which he laid on was hard, uneven, and provided no warmth. With that knowledge alone, Mikkel knew right away that he was still at the Winden Caves. But despite being aware of that, Mikkel wanted to keep his eyes closed and go back to sleep, hoping that whatever uneasiness he felt—which resembled that of a nightmare—would disappear once he opened his eyes. But the caves seemed to have another plan for him.

It seemed like the caves wanted to gently wake him up in the same way his mother would on occasion, but, at the same time, there was a sense of desperation and urgency, which reminded Mikkel of his alarm clock. Losing the battle, Mikkel’s consciousness fully kicked in. He realized something else was amiss.

He curled his right hand, expecting someone else’s to be there, only for his hand to feel nothing but the caves’ emptiness. That’s when Mikkel opened his eyes and quickly sat up, only to notice that a yellow raincoat had been placed around him like a blanket. He grabbed the raincoat and looked around. 

Something was terribly wrong.

Something bad had happened. He felt it down to his bones, and although his gut told him that nothing was wrong, that he was where he was meant to be, every other part of his body screamed otherwise.

“Jonas?” he whispered with a broken and hoarse voice, afraid that whatever evil was present in the caves would find Mikkel and take him further into the darkness, never to be found.

Where was Jonas?

“Jonas?” he asked, his voice a little louder but still as scared.

But the only answer he got was his own echo whispering back to him.

His eyes tried adjusting to the darkness around him, trying to use the little bit of light to guide him out of this maze.

The pounding of his heart grew louder and his breath was uneven. “Hello? Magnus? Martha? Anyone?”

But again, no one answered.

Had it been a prank? No, that didn’t make sense; they all went hoping to find Erik’s drugs, and there had even been a fight for it.

Had Mikkel been abandoned? No, that wasn’t right either. Jonas would never do that, unless…

And then, a dark thought entered Mikkel’s mind.

What if Jonas had called him—heck, maybe even screamed—and Mikkel had heard nothing? Was Jonas hurt? Was he okay? Had he woken up to make sure the evil thing was no longer around? Or had he just gone out to get help? If so, why not wake Mikkel up?

But Mikkel’s thoughts just got darker, making his heart hurt.

What if, while trying to find a safe place, they happened to walk right into the beast’s lair? What if the evil thing that was lurking in the woods had followed them? What if Jonas had been taken? Had Mikkel heard Jonas’s cries for help during the night? Had Mikkel ignored him? Had he been awake and chosen not to help him? Had he failed Jonas? Had he abandoned Jonas?

No, Mikkel would never do that—he may not be the bravest boy out there, but he was no coward either. He was sure he would’ve heard something, no matter how deep the slumber was. Had Jonas called, yelled, shouted, or screamed, Mikkel would’ve woken up and saved his friend to the best of his abilities.

But what if Mikkel had frozen up like he had by the caves when the noise made everyone go quiet? What if…

No, he knew what he knew, and he needed to get out of the caves. He knew that getting out of the caves would not only clear his head and let him know the truth, but, if by any chance, Jonas had been hurt or had disappeared, Mikkel could find help and save him.

* * *

Although it took a while, Mikkel managed to crawl and climb his way out of the caves. But as he approached the light, he suddenly felt like the world had gone darker.

It didn’t take long for him to notice that things looked _different_ than they had been the night before.

The forest didn’t look like this… did it? Why wasn’t the armchair there? Why wasn’t there a search party? What was going on?

But before Mikkel could come up with a logical explanation for any of it, the uneasy feeling from earlier got stronger and louder. The confusion and fear overwhelmed his senses, leaving him with no choice but to run.

He ran faster than he had ever felt the need to do. He ran faster than the night before. He ran like his life depended on it. He ran until he fell and had no choice but to stand up again. He ran despite noticing the familiar houses and streets. He ran until his legs hurt and he ran out of breath. He ran until he was covered in cold sweat and his hair was stuck to his forehead. He ran until he got home. 

As Mikkel arrived at the Nielsen driveway, he saw an old car and a motorcycle. The car didn’t look like the one his parents owned nor did it look like his grandparents' car, and Mikkel was more than sure that neither his brother nor sister owned a motorcycle. He knew Magnus wanted a car and he knew that Martha had said something against the motorcycle industry and its effect on the planet. So why would there be a motorcycle at the Nielsen home?

Once he finally reached the door, Mikkel got his keys and tried to open the door. But to his frustration, it wouldn’t open, no matter how hard he tried.

 _Why isn’t the stupid door opening?_ he thought. But before panic could take a larger hold on Mikkel, hope took over as the door opened from the inside. And just as he was about to hug who he assumed would be a family member, he became confused once again as a stranger came out of the house.

The stranger was an older boy, probably around Magnus and Martha’s age. He reminded him a little of Magnus, but unlike Magnus, the older boy looked down at Mikkel with an almost menacing look. And something about the shape of his nose and eyes reminded Mikkel of Martha. And although he looked eerily familiar, Mikkel couldn’t pinpoint where he had seen that face before.

“Who are you?” Mikkel asked, unable to keep his voice from shaking.

The older boy looked at him from head to toe before asking with a reproachful tone, “Why? Who are you?”

Mikkel looked at the older boy. “Mikkel. I live here.”

The older kid smirked, slightly amused with Mikkel. “I’m Ulrich and I live here.”

Mikkel stayed silent, keeping his gaze on this Ulrich, desperately trying to understand why he had his father’s name.

But the teenager continued, clearly growing annoyed. “You going to grow roots? You’re at the wrong house, fool.”

And before Mikkel could think of anything to say, and before this stranger could say another mean comment, a girl’s voice made the conversation stop. “Hey Ulrich! Come on, we need to go.” The older boy’s gaze went from Mikkel to the girl.

Mikkel turned around and saw a blonde teenager.

The teenager named Ulrich replied, “Yes Katharina, I’m coming.”

_Katharina?_

As Mikkel tried to process what he had just heard, he felt the older boy bump and push him away with his elbow. The teenager said, “Are you dense? You don’t live here.”

 _What the heck was going on?_ Mikkel thought as he saw the strangers drive away on the motorcycle, choosing to ignore the fact that these strangers had his parents’ names.

Frowning, Mikkel looked at the door and then down at the newspaper.

The answer to his question stared back at him and Mikkel could feel how the air around him turned heavier, how there was a buzzing in his ears, and how he desperately wanted—needed—to wake up.

It was impossible…

_What kind of magic trick is this?_

But the answer still stared back at him.

It was 1986.

_Wait a minute…_

_1986?_

_That can’t be right… right?_

* * *

Although Mikkel understood that something was wrong, that he had somehow managed to travel through time, his brain couldn’t—or more like didn’t want to—process it. It was easier to believe that this was all but a strange dream that had yet to become a nightmare, but one where Mikkel was aware that he was dreaming.

It wasn’t like he had many theories to believe in.

The first one—and perhaps the one he liked the least—was that he had travelled to the past, to a time before anyone and anything he knew came to exist.

The second theory was that he had travelled to another dimension, world, or timeline. And while he didn’t like that one at all, he felt like this theory was easier for him to accept because at least it gave him a little bit of peace of mind. Mikkel knew that if this one was the correct one, then he didn’t have to worry too much about whatever he did or didn’t do and its potential effects on his reality’s future. Nonetheless, after watching one too many videos on “scary parallel universe stories”, Mikkel shivered at the thought of having been sent to a dimension that wasn’t entirely like his own.

The third theory—and admittedly the most ridiculous one—was that this was all some sort of prank that Mikkel couldn’t understand the joke or the punchline. Mikkel liked a good laugh like everyone else, but whoever had thought of this had an awful sense of humor. Who would do that to a kid? Sure, Mikkel wasn’t a baby, but if this was a prank, it was one of the cruelest ones to have ever existed.

His last and most preferred theory—but sadly the one he knew was the least true of them all—was that this was all a dream. Mikkel had once watched a video on lucid dreaming, and although Mikkel had never experienced it, he figured that this was what was happening.

Like a dream that had yet to finish, Mikkel’s feet and curiosity drew him further down the coldness of the house, luring him with the sounds of the television and the smell of cigarettes. As Mikkel walked through the door and noticed the differences in decorations and furniture, he decided that he might as well put the lucid dream theory into practice. Since he couldn’t make his mind create a Jonas—if the empty cave had been any evidence to that—, he figured he could at least try to make his mother appear. 

Unable to stop himself, Mikkel called out, “Mama?”

But the woman who answered didn’t sound like his mother. “Mads?” She turned around, and although Mikkel felt like he knew the woman, he was more concentrated on the fact that she wasn’t his mother. The woman asked, “Who are you?”

Fear was seeping in as Mikkel asked, “Where are my parents?”

The woman got up quickly and crouched to Mikkel’s level, unable to keep her hands from touching him, as if she wanted to check if he was real.

And although the woman wasn’t his mother, it didn’t stop Mikkel from trying his lucid dream theory. He tried with all his heart and mind to make this woman change into his mother, because his sense of dread just kept on growing. Mikkel felt even more afraid than he had at the caves.

“Who are you?” he asked, his voice wavering.

But the woman sounded desperate and broken as she asked him, “Do you know where he is?”

He needed to get out of here and fast.

He tried pulling away, but the woman’s grip got stronger, seemingly wanting to drag him down and make him answer her question.

“Do you know where Mads is?” she asked.

“You’re hurting me,” Mikkel said, his features scrunching up as he still desperately tried to get away.

But the woman paid no attention to his comment or his feelings. “What are you doing here? Say something.”

Mikkel finally broke free and the woman laid on the floor crying. “When is he coming back?”

Mikkel backed away in fear and ran.

He needed to find his mother. She would know exactly what to do.

* * *

Much to his dismay, Mikkel wasn’t able to find his mother at school. Instead, he had found the older girl from earlier in the day, whose name also happened to be Katharina and who he couldn’t—didn’t—believe was his mother. She hadn’t been around the older boy named Ulrich—who Mikkel also didn’t want to believe was his father—but she had been with two other girls Mikkel didn’t know and couldn’t recognize, although one of them did give him a spark of familiarity. But it didn’t matter because the Katharina he had encountered at school was not his mother, despite the eerily resemblance. His mother would never mock or push him when he was scared.

Since his plan to find his mother had failed, Mikkel only had two options left. He would first go to his father’s office and find him—Mikkel knew that his father was always there for him. And if that plan failed, Mikkel would have to go back to the caves.

* * *

As he walked from school to the police station, Mikkel avoided looking at anyone or at anything, not only out of fear that if he had indeed managed to travel through time that he would consequently change things or erase his existence, but also because it would mean having to come face to face with his reality. And while he tried to keep a clear mind as he made his journey, Mikkel couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like should he stop existing. Would there be pain? Would he realize what was happening? Would he feel at peace? Would there be a light? Or would it be dark?

Mikkel didn’t have to wonder for long, because before he knew it, he had arrived. Still clinging to the little hope he had left, he walked through the familiar doors and he went to his father’s office, desperate to run to him, hug him and feel safe in his arms.

But the sense of dread grew heavier as Mikkel realized that his father wasn’t there. For some reason, an older man—who was old enough to be his grandfather—had taken over his father’s office. But unlike the other instances of the morning, this man produced no sense of familiarity.

Suddenly, Mikkel felt very faint.

He wanted to cry.

“What are you doing here?” the old police officer asked him.

“I… I’m looking for my dad,” Mikkel replied.

“What’s his name?” the police officer continued.

“Ulrich Nielsen,” Mikkel said, his voice not sounding as strong or as sure as he wanted it to be.

The old man sounded like he didn’t believe Mikkel. “Ulrich Nielsen? The Ulrich Nielsen?”

His response had left Mikkel feeling very unsure of himself and of everything. Mikkel hated how his voice trembled and grew smaller as his uncertainty intensified. “Doesn’t he work here?”

“No. And I’m certain he never will.” The old man looked away, but he seemed to realize something because he turned to Mikkel and said, “Oh, so this is a joke? Was this Ulrich’s dumb idea?”

The old man turned off the music and got up to walk towards Mikkel. He put his hand under Mikkel’s chin to examine his face and his hand; Mikkel grimaced. “Did he do this? Did Ulrich do this?”

Mikkel shook his head rapidly.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Mikkel,” he replied—his name was the only thing that he was sure of.

“Last name?”

“Nielsen. I’m Ulrich’s son.”

But the old man didn’t believe him. “Now tell me your parents’ real names and I’ll take you home.”

Seeing that even if he told the old man the truth that he wouldn’t believe him, Mikkel decided to ask instead, “What’s the date?”

“The fifth of November,” he replied with a shrug.

“What year?” Mikkel’s voice shook, not really wanting to hear the answer to his question.

He chuckled. “1986.”

His heart pounded. And suddenly everything made sense. Everything made him feel like he was falling hard and fast. Mikkel mumbled under his breath, “1986.”

_It’s impossible. This can’t be real._

_I need to go back. I need to do something._

Mikkel saw him get the phone and call someone, but Mikkel was already thinking ahead. If the man left then Mikkel might find something to further confirm his revelation, and maybe he might also find something useful to go back to the caves and go back home.

* * *

As soon as the police officer left, Mikkel went to his desk and looked around, trying to find any clue or anything that could help him, since he decided that he was on his own for this one. Unable to contain himself, his eyes went to the unsolved Rubik's cube—Rubik's cubes always had the ability to help him calm down and think straight.

After solving the Rubik's cube, he used the phone to call his family only to find that it wasn’t in service.

_Great, now what?_

He proceeded to look around and saw a lighter. He grabbed it and then hid it in his jacket pocket. There was no way he would go back to the darkness. He kept looking around and found newspaper clippings on Mads Nielsen’s disappearance. And lastly, he found a photograph that reminded him of one his grandmother Jana had at her place. He turned the photo around—"MADS + ULRICH NIELSEN”.

That definitely proved his theory.

And then there was a knock.

Mikkel tried to cover up his snooping, quickly putting everything back where it belonged and racing to stand back where the old police officer had left him.

In came an unknown woman dressed in white. But unlike everyone else, she was the only one who looked at him with kind eyes and a small smile, more willing than anyone else to help him and take care of him. And although Mikkel was scared and unsure of his situation or his future, for a brief moment, he was grateful to her.

* * *

Mikkel tried concentrating on his plan on the ride to the hospital, choosing to ignore the concerned questions and the words of comfort that came from the nurse. He had come to accept that he had travelled to the past, be it because of Jonas, the caves, the evil thing from the forest, or something else.

No, accept wasn’t the word. If Mikkel accepted that he was in the past, then he would have to come to terms with the fact that there was a chance that he might never go back to his family in 2019. Mikkel didn’t want to stay in the past and he wasn’t meant to be there, that much he knew.

Although he tried to concentrate on his plan, Mikkel's mind was elsewhere. Question after question kept popping, all of them with no answers.

How had he travelled through time? Was he really in the past? Had he created any change to the future? Would Mikkel eventually disappear because of said changes? What about his family? Had they disappeared? Or were they frantically searching for him? Did they know that he was here? Were they here as well? Had he done wrong at leaving the cave? Should have he stayed in the cave? Why had Jonas left him here? Had Jonas left him on purpose? Or was Jonas desperately looking for Mikkel as Mikkel was searching for answers? What had happened to Jonas? Had Jonas travelled with Mikkel? Or had Mikkel been the only one who had travelled? No, he was sure Jonas had been with him… what if Jonas, trying to get back or get help, had travelled even further? Did Jonas know they had travelled to the past? What about another timeline? What if, by being in 1980s Winden, Mikkel had created a different timeline? What if he travelled to another dimension? What about another world? Was it possible that he was in a world that was occurring at a different time as his? Was the answer in the caves? Was it through that tunnel? Or was it something else? Was any of this real? Was he real? Was this a dream that had yet to end? When was this going to turn into a full-blown nightmare? Was his mind going to stop racing? What was he going to do? What if he was stuck here forev—

A gentle hand was placed on top of his, snapping Mikkel from his train of thought, leaving him shaking and out of breath.

“We’re here,” Nurse Ines replied in a soft voice. She smiled at him and nodded at the window.

Mikkel blinked and looked out the window. He must have spaced out too much to not have noticed that they had arrived at the hospital.

“Let’s go inside and get those wounds treated,” the nurse said. She extended her hand. “Shall we?”

He felt queasy but nodded slightly. Mikkel had never been fond of hospitals, but then again, which kid ever was? Everyone knew that hospitals were nothing but places of pain. No one ever went into hospitals for a good time, even if there was the promise of a piece of candy after an annual checkup or a vaccine. Mikkel shuddered; he hoped he wasn’t getting a vaccine.

* * *

Like the ride to the hospital, the checkup procedure happened quickly. Mikkel knew that it was happening, but his mind was elsewhere, if only ever coming back when a question about his family was asked. He stared blankly, desperately trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall and keeping his mouth shut in fear of sobbing and blurting out the truth. He knew no one would believe him; he didn’t even believe it himself. And as much as Mikkel wanted someone to believe him, he knew that if he did say that he came from the future, there could be the risk of being sent away or being locked up. Mikkel couldn’t risk being kept away from his means of escape.

As much as it hurt, Mikkel decided that he wasn’t going to tell anyone the truth.

* * *

He told Nurse Ines.

It was more out of impulse than any rational thought. Mikkel even didn’t have the strength to scold himself for going against his own decision. What was he supposed to do? He was alone, scared, lost, and confused, and she was the kind nurse who was taking care of him, who made him feel less scared. Besides, weren’t nurses supposed to help you when you couldn’t take care of yourself? Would she know what to do or at least give him the reassurance that he would go back home?

But just like him, her response had been disbelief. Although he had wished with all his heart that she would believe him, Mikkel knew that it was impossible. He didn’t blame her; he knew that he would need proof to show that he wasn’t lying about having travelled thirty-three years into the past. But Mikkel had nothing to show, nothing to convince her with, nothing but his fear and his desire to cry.

Mikkel sighed. His remaining hope laid solely on his ability to go back to the Winden Caves and finding the path to the door. Once he found that, he would find his way back, even if he had to face whatever monster Jonas had warned him about. And once he returned home, he would tell everyone about his journey, and he would stay as far away as possible from Jonas.

But for now he needed to wait for a sign.

* * *

Mikkel got his sign before the day was over.

Although Mikkel was tired from everything that had happened throughout the day, he was far too alert to fall asleep. He knew that he could sleep as much as he wanted once he got back home, but for now, he needed to stay awake. He didn’t know if he could live with himself should he lose his one chance to go back. And when he least expected it, the hospital lights started flickering the same way the flashlights had the night before.

He discreetly opened the door and peeked at the hospital hallway. He saw nurses running and looking confused. With everything that was happening, Mikkel knew no one would notice him leave. This was the perfect distraction.

This was it. He would leave and get to the caves as fast as possible; it was his only way home.

Taking this as his chance, he brought a chair near the window. Despite the height, he jumped. Once his feet touched the ground, Mikkel started running like a madman.

He ran faster than he had in the morning, never stopping, not even when he would occasionally look back to see if anyone or anything was following. But he didn’t care; there was no way anyone or anything would stop him.

Tired and out of breath, Mikkel ran until he reached the cave entrance. It was scary, but he knew he couldn’t waste time. He got himself together, and with the lighter he had secured earlier in the day, he walked forward into the darkness.

* * *

Mikkel had always considered himself to be good at solving puzzles and mazes, having been able to impress his parents, grandparents, friends, and Jonas on more than one occasion. But the Winden Caves were another story. No matter what he did, he couldn’t seem to find his way around. Nothing about the caves made any sense.

_Didn’t I see this rock just a minute ago?_

Trying to be careful, Mikkel walked further into the cave. He already had had several instances where he almost slipped and fell. If he fell now and got himself injured, no one would find him; there was nothing worse than to never be found. But just as he was about to go where he thought was the right direction, much to his chagrin, he slipped and fell fast and hard. In the process, the lighter slipped from his hands and his right leg hit a rock.

Mikkel cried out and grimaced. He was pretty sure he had broken his leg. To make matters worse, his leg was all covered in blood. He couldn’t go on in this state, he could hurt himself again, or the lighter could go out, or Mikkel could die and never be found.

He wanted to cry.

Trying to figure out what to do, Mikkel felt the ground shaking.

“Hello?” he called out. He needed to be louder. “Hello!” But he got no response.

“Help!” he yelled, desperately hoping that someone would hear him, but the only response he got were his own echoes.

He got up, got the lighter, and limped his way out of the caves, choosing to sit down at the entrance. He examined himself and the stress of the day finally got to him. His shoulders shook, his sight got blurry, and he couldn’t breathe. He wouldn’t hold it in anymore; he sobbed.

Mikkel wanted his mother, his father, his brother and his sister. He wanted someone to hug him. He wanted to wake up and be home. He wanted to know why this had happened to him. But most importantly, Mikkel wanted to know why Jonas had left him.

Why had he trusted Jonas? Why did Jonas save him and asked Mikkel to trust him if he was going to leave him behind? Why?

* * *

After he had cried himself out and had calmed down a little, Mikkel knew he had no choice but to go back to the hospital, as hopeless and draining as it was.

He limped, sniffed, and kept his head down on his way back, not bothering with going back to his room through the window. He almost made it back to the room before Nurse Ines got sight of him.

Although she looked concerned and had asked him where he had gone to or why his leg was bleeding, Mikkel felt like he had no energy left. He decided not to answer any of her questions, not out of fear that she would think he was crazy, but because, at that point, Mikkel wanted nothing more than to just go back to the room and sleep.

There was only so much an eleven-year-old boy could take.


	4. No family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how much time had passed, November would always hold a nostalgic and melancholic place in her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who left kudos, as well as falafelfiction and cassanabaratheon for commenting :) it really means a lot and I appreciate it a lot^_^ 
> 
> Here I present Ines's pov on the fateful day of the 5th of November. I didn't think it would be this long but I think I got carried away. I feel like out of all the Kahnwald family members, she's the toughest one to figure out. Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter :)

_The past is the past and now is now._

Those were the words that ran inside Ines Kahnwald’s mind every day, even more so in the beginning of every November. No matter how much time had passed, November would always hold a nostalgic and melancholic place in her heart.

* * *

_November 5th 1986_

Like any other day, Ines Kahnwald was dressed in her spotless white nurse uniform, her hands folded in front of her as she walked down the hospital’s hallway. The clacking of her shoes against the immaculate floor seemed to have caught one of her coworkers’ attention because before Ines could get to her destination, she heard Donata Kraus say, “Ines, can you do the night shift today too? Mrs. Schüttler’s daughter has a fever and I have to take Benni to soccer.”

Although Ines had no problem covering for her coworkers, she found that she always tried to accept the requests quickly. No matter what the situation was, whenever she was asked to cover, everyone always said the same thing like that was the only reason for choosing her above all others. Ines always pretended like it didn’t bother her. 

Ines turned around to answer, but before she could agree, Donata said, “Since you have no…”

_Here it goes._

Before Donata could complete the sentence that Ines was more than used to, Ines said with a small forced smile, “No family.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Donata replied.

“It’s not a problem,” Ines reassured her with a chuckle that sounded fake in her ears. There was no need to point out the obvious when it came to her lack of family.

As she turned around, her coworker said, “Thanks. And please, don’t tell Dr. Reimann?”

Ines once again turned around; the small smile still plastered on her face. With her right hand, she pretended like she was locking her mouth and putting away the key in her chest pocket. She zipped the pocket closed as she said, “Mum’s the word.”

“Thanks.”

Ines smiled and walked away. But as she got further away, her back to her coworker, her smile dropped, and her mind wandered.

She knew that by now she should be used to the constant acknowledgement of her lack of family, but just because she had to face it every day didn’t mean that it hurt any less. She knew others meant no harm, but it still bothered her, more than she would ever admit to others or to herself. Just because she had no family didn’t mean that she didn’t wonder what life would've been like if her son had lived. But she knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault—no one but her knew about him. 

It was precisely in moments like these that Ines concentrated on her mantra, the one that had kept her strong and able to stand alone when everything else had failed her.

Ines took a deep breath in.

_The past is the past and now is now._

* * *

As far as Ines could remember, compared to most of her peers, she had never been that keen on the idea of marriage. She always felt like it wasn’t as great as some believed it to be. Ines remembered how she wasn’t able to read her mother’s expression when she shared her thoughts on marriage. Had she been disappointed? Or had she been secretly happy that her only daughter wouldn’t have to endure the same type of marriage that she'd had?

Although Ines had loved her father very much, as she grew older, she'd come to understand that her father, Daniel Kahnwald, hadn't been a good husband. As far as she was aware, he'd been the prime example of the type of man that older women told girls and young women to stay away from. Ines had suspected her father’s charm and good looks had made him the object of many women’s desires. She also had suspected that he'd been the cause of many failed relationships and marriages in Winden.

After her father had passed away, her mother had confessed to her that she'd always been aware of his unfaithfulness—she had just decided to turn a blind eye towards that side of his personality. When Ines had asked her why she hadn’t done anything to him or why she hadn’t asked for a divorce, like Claudia Tiedemann’s parents had, her mother had simply said, “I only threatened him once. I told him that he could have all the affairs he wanted so long as they were a secret, and no one knew about them. But I also told him I would leave him if I ever found out he had more children besides you; I wasn’t going to be the joke of the town. If I became a joke, then I was going to make sure he did too. You know how your father’s appearance and reputation was always important to him. There was no way he wanted to be treated like Egon Tiedemann. His lovers had to be madly in love or plain stupid to think that they would ever be anything more than a mere affair.”

And for a while, Ines had agreed with her mother… until she had found herself in the same position as her father’s numerous lovers. She would always be ashamed to admit that she _had_ been glad that her mother had passed away before Ines had found out that she was pregnant.

Ines had always known that she could live the rest of her life without someone by her side, even if it could get lonely. She'd always been a firm believer that it was better to be alone than to be in bad company. Of course, that didn’t mean that she hadn’t ever considered getting married and starting a family; Ines was sure that all girls had had that fantasy at least one time in their lives. She even remembered having a conversation like that with Jana and Claudia—Ines being the one to start the conversation just to see Jana and Claudia disagree with each other. Those two disagreed in in pretty much every area of life, and Ines had always found it fun to see her two friends at odds with each other, even more so when Tronte’s name was mentioned.

And while Ines had laughed at Jana’s idea of what marriage and having a family was like—having sided with Claudia on that occasion—, once Ines found out that she was alone and pregnant, she couldn’t help but envision a future like Jana had explained that day. She would never admit it, but in more than one occasion it had helped ease all the fears and doubts she found herself having all throughout her pregnancy. And although the whole thing hadn’t been planned and she knew she wouldn’t receive any help from the father, Ines still wondered how much easier it would be to have someone’s support on her journey.

During that time, despite not having spoken to Claudia or Jana in a while, Ines had found herself envious of them. Jana was happy, married to Tronte, and had two children. And while no one knew who Claudia’s daughter’s father was—although Ines had suspected it was either Tronte’s or her boss’s—unlike Ines, Claudia had had Egon’s help. Ines had had absolutely no one.

Motherhood would be a challenge, that much she'd been aware of, but she'd had the firm believe that she would eventually become a good mother. Ines had been sure that her and her son would be the happiest family in Winden.

She had told herself that all she needed time to prove it.

But the time never came.

* * *

Despite all the years that had transpire—eleven if she wanted to be exact—the fourth of November of 1975 had been the happiest day of her life. There had never been anything she had looked forward to more than the birth of her child. If Ines thought about it too much, her eyes would swell with tears as she remembered how smooth her baby’s skin had been under her lips and how light he had felt in her arms.

He was born November 4, 1975 at 10:13pm, and she had never been happier.

After hours of labor, the moment she'd heard his cry, Ines had known that she would never tire of his voice. She'd even gotten ahead of herself and had already wondered what his voice would sound like when he said his first words. And the first time she'd held him in her arms, Ines had known that there would be never be anyone more perfect than him. And the first and only time she ever saw his blue eyes, Ines had known that she would never love anyone more than she loved him. Her baby boy had been her little bundle of happiness.

But that should’ve been the moment that Ines should’ve known that not all happiness lasts forever.

Ines would forever regret having let the nurses take him away from her arms. She would always regret doing that because she would forever have to acknowledge that she hadn’t been the last person to have held him while he was alive. She would forever regret having fallen asleep, for having let exhaustion catch up to her. But perhaps what Ines regretted the most was never having the chance to tell him that she loved him until it was too late.

When Ines had woken up the next day, just a couple of hours after she'd fallen asleep, the first thing she'd done was to ask about her baby.

The answer she'd gotten wasn’t what she'd expected.

And although Ines hadn’t decided on a name for him—her options ranging from Sebastian to Lennard to Daniel to Peter to Michael—, there was only one name that came out of her mouth as she demanded to see her son.

“I need my son,” she had begged. “Please let me see Michael. I need my Michael. I want him here.”

Ines couldn’t remember—or perhaps she'd chosen not—what had happened afterwards. She couldn’t remember what she'd said or yelled, she couldn’t remember how much she'd cried, nor could she remember how long or how fast it had taken the nurses to bring him to her. Ines couldn’t remember anything.

The only thing she could remember was how, once he was in her arms, she had never wanted to let go. She remembered how she had whispered so many things to him, things that she knew she would never be able to say again, things that she was sure she would never feel ever again, things that she had wished she had said earlier.

Her baby was gone.

Her little Michael was gone, and she was all alone.

And the worst part was that there would be no one to mourn him; no one but her. It was almost as if he had never existed to anyone but her. And there was nothing more painful than having to acknowledge that.

* * *

Luckily for Ines, her thoughts didn’t stay with her for too long. She found comfort and distraction in her daily work routine. But that changed when she was told that a nurse was needed at the police station.

And just like she had done with Donata, Ines more than willingly agreed to go to the police station.

Ines hadn’t been inside the police station since she was a little girl visiting her father. It was slightly nostalgic, even with the place had changed a lot since the fifties.

The police officer that had greeted her didn’t say much as he took her to where the patient was. Once they arrived, Ines smiled at him and walked through the door. But her smile quickly dropped from her face once she saw the boy. Her eyes widened.

In front of her was a boy, about ten or eleven, who gave Ines a sense of déjà vu. Although she found it odd and slightly disturbing that he wore what looked like a skeleton costume, her attention was directed towards his eyes and his dark hair. Even from where she was standing, she could tell that he had blue eyes.

She immediately thought of her Michael.

Quickly snapping out of her thoughts, Ines smiled again and very kindly said to boy, “Hello.”

The boy said nothing.

Ines got closer, trying to see if she could get a better look at him. “I’m Nurse Ines. But you can just call me Ines.”

The boy just looked at her. And even though she noticed that he had cuts and scratches, she was more focused on his eyebrows for they were light and sparse, reminding her of a newborn baby.

She got even closer, and crouched down to his level, her hands on her knees. She kept her voice low and calm. “I’ll take you to the hospital now. We’ll take a look at your arm, okay?” The boy once again said nothing, but Ines didn’t mind. “Then I’ll bring you home safe and sound.”

She hoped that her smile and her extended hand would make him less tense and nervous. The boy looked like he was slightly struggling to breath, but despite that he nodded ever so slightly. He placed his small hand on hers, and that was more than enough to make Ines glad.

* * *

All throughout their journey to the hospital, Ines tried to get the boy to talk, not only because it was her job to take care of him, but because part of her was curious to know what his voice sounded like. Would he sound scared? Sad? Confused? Angry? Would he have a stutter? Or would he have a lisp? Would his voice sound shy? Or would he have a kind voice? She really wanted to know.

When Ines realized that she wasn’t going to get any answers from him, she proceeded to give him words of comfort. But it didn’t seem like he heard them, and if he did, he didn’t acknowledge them. She figured his mind was elsewhere.

Rather than keep comforting him, Ines decided to study his face. Whatever had happened to him must’ve been bad for him to have such a scared expression. His eyebrows were scrunched up, and although no tears were present, she could tell that he might start crying at any moment if his wobbling chin was any evidence of that.

_What are you supposed to say or do with a scared child?_

Once they arrived at the hospital, Ines placed a hand on top of his to get his attention. She looked at him with pity when he jolted, his shoulders shaking and his breath uneven. Ines made a mental reminder to be extra gentle with how she would approach the boy.

She smiled slightly, hoping to ease his nerves. She said with the softest voice she could muster, “We’re here.” She nodded at the window. “Let’s go inside and get those wounds treated.” She extended her hand. “Shall we?”

And just like at the police station, the boy nodded ever so slightly and placed his trembling hand on hers.

* * *

Ines stood by the door while Dr. Reimann checked the boy’s arm. Even though she knew that she needed to be alert for whatever Dr. Reimann may need, she found that all throughout the process her eyes lingered on the back of the boy’s head.

“Everything’s in working order,” Dr. Reimann said. “How did this happen?”

When the boy didn’t answer, Dr. Reimann wrote something down and continued anyway.

 _Maybe the boy just needs someone who is more patient and gentler with him,_ Ines thought. _Maybe he’s frightened with fear and doesn’t feel like he can trust anyone._

“You still won’t tell us your name?” Dr. Reimann asked. His pager sounded, and Ines knew that he would soon leave. Maybe she could get the boy to talk to her. Maybe he would trust her.

“Nurse Ines will bandage you up, okay? Then you can go back home.” Dr. Reimann quickly ruffled the boy’s hair and walked to Ines, giving her the clipboard.

Ines looked at the empty document in front of her. Despite all the questions and attention, no one knew anything about the boy. But before she could do or say anything, she heard some sniffling.

He tried to be quiet, but she still heard it. The sound broke her heart.

She slowly got closer to him and sat down in the stool in front of him. She tried searching for his eyes while figuring out what to tell him to make him feel better. She gently placed her right hand on his cheek, wiping away a tear with her thumb.

Very softly, she told him, “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Everything will be okay.”

* * *

After finding some clean clothes for him to wear, Ines decided it was time for her to bandage his hand. Trying her luck, she asked, “Won’t you tell me your name and where you live?”

And just like he had all throughout the day, he stayed quiet. Perhaps she needed to try a different approach. “Don’t you want to go home?” She figured that no matter the situation, maybe getting him to talk about his home might be a good way to get some information about him. But when he didn’t change expressions or say anything, Ines realized that maybe something really traumatic must’ve happened to him.

 _Maybe home isn’t a safe place for him,_ she thought sadly. _Or maybe he has no family… like me._ “If something happened at home… you can stay here for now.” The boy kept his line of sight above her head, probably to keep tears from falling.

 _He’s trying to be strong_ , she thought. 

Ines finished bandaging his hand, and she smiled slightly. “If you want to talk, I’m here.” She grabbed his hands in hers and smoothed her thumbs on his wrists, just like her mother used to do when she was younger and upset. “I’m on the night shift too.” She pulled away and grabbed a comic book from one the seats. “Here, something to read.” She saw him briefly look at it before she grabbed the tray to leave the room.

Ines barely got five steps away from him when she had to stop because she heard him quietly say, “I come from the future.”

Out of all the things she was hoping he would say, that wasn’t one of them. She turned around, stunned. Maybe he hadn’t said what she thought he'd said. “What did you say?” her voice sounding like a whisper.

She saw him slowly turn his head towards her, his eyes more focused than they had all throughout the day. He repeated himself, his voice stronger and more sure this time. “I come from the future.”

Ines felt the room get cold when she heard those words. 

She looked down and saw the pile of comic books next to him. She looked at the title. Ines let out a small breath and mentally told herself that there was nothing to be afraid. Maybe he had read the comic book before.

What was she supposed to say?

Ines nodded. “I’m sure Captain Future says that a lot. Maybe you should rest for now.”

The boy’s face deflated, and he turned around. Ines looked down and before she left through the door she said, “I’ll be back later. I hope you can rest.”

Why had his statement left her so shaken?

* * *

A couple of hours passed before Ines decided it was time to go back to see the boy again. But just as she was about to make her way to the room, the hospital lights started flickering. Like everyone else, Ines was confused. 

It didn’t last long, but it was long enough to leave her disoriented. Once she came to her senses, Ines went to check on the boy, hoping that he had slept through what had just happened.

She knocked on the door and received no response, which was to be expected. However, when she opened the door, she realized that he was gone. With her heart pounding fast and loud, Ines looked around the room; the only proof that he'd ever been there being the unmade bed and the open window.

Her eyes widened.

_Oh God, the window._

And the worst of thoughts came to Ines.

What if he had jumped? Was his comment about being from the future a cry for help? Had there been signs that she had missed? She knew that he was a sad and traumatized boy, and that whatever had happened to him was bad, but surely, he wouldn’t…

_Please, God. Please no._

Desperately, Ines got to the window, hoping and praying with all her might that there wasn’t the body of a boy. She didn’t know what she would do if she saw a body, didn’t know how she would live with herself if something had happened to him and she hadn’t been able to do anything.

She looked down the window and despite the darkness, she saw no body. And although that brought some relief, Ines couldn’t for the life of her figure out what had happened.

Or had he been a spirit?

Had he been a ghost?

No, that wasn’t right.

Perhaps the boy had been an angel?

 _Maybe, he flew away?_ she thought as she looked up at the night sky.

Where had he vanished to?

She quickly left the room. She proceeded to ask other nurses if they had seen the boy, but no one knew who she was talking about. That alone left her with chills.

She hadn’t imagined him, right?

* * *

Ines spent the next couple of hours asking around and searching all throughout the hospital for a boy with brown hair, blue eyes, and a bandaged hand. She even asked if maybe anyone had seen a boy with a skeleton costume. But no matter how much she looked, she found no trace.

Ines was about to make one more round around the hospital, when she caught sight of him, making his way to the room. She saw him, dirty and limping. She rushed to him and crouched down; her hands were gentle but slightly desperate as she examined him.

_He’s alive. Thank God._

“Where were you? What happened?” she asked, trying to keep her voice from shaking. “Are you okay? What happened to you? Why are you bleeding?”

But the boy said nothing. He lowered his head and his shoulders shook. He let out a whimper before he let himself sob.

Ines placed her hands on his cheeks, wiping away the tears. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Everything will be okay.”

She carefully placed her arms around him and hugged him. Ines whispered, “Everything will be okay. I promise.”

God had given her another chance.

She was not going to let the boy go.


	5. Things only change when we change them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever happened today would change her life. She just knew it.
> 
> Nothing could destroy her good mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank byeolbit for the kudos, as well as falafelfiction, sealandreich, cassanabaratheon and eitokus for commenting on the last chapter :) I really appreciate it! ^_^
> 
> And today we have a Hannah chapter! I was really excited to do this one because I think we can all agree that November 7th was an important day for the Kahnwald family. Sorry for the long chapter though. I didn't think it would turn out this way. But I guess that's Hannah for you. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter :)

_November 7th 1986_

For the first time in a long time, Hannah woke up in a good mood.

While she couldn’t remember what she’d dreamt, she figured it must’ve been really good if she hadn’t felt the need to hit the snooze button on her alarm clock.

Before she left her room, Hannah took a glance at her diary. She opened it to the most recent entry, which was the one from two days ago when she had met Ulrich at the bus stop. If she could, she would go back in time just to relive the moment, even if she wished that some things had been different. She smiled, gently running her index finger over his picture, which she had gotten from the newspaper.

Today would be different, in a good way. Whatever happened today would change her life. She just knew it.

Nothing could destroy her good mood.

* * *

If there was one thing Hannah loved about going to school, it had to be how liberating it felt to ride her bicycle. Although the days were getting colder, Hannah always looked forward to it. There was nothing she enjoyed more than the way the cool November breeze felt against her face. It was one of the few things that she enjoyed about Winden.

Much to her surprise and happiness, just as she was about to pass the bus stop, Hannah spotted Ulrich on his motorcycle. He looked as handsome as ever in his black jacket and faded jeans. What was even better was that Katharina was nowhere in sight.

A good day indeed.

This time, Hannah was the one who reached out to him first.

“Ulrich!”

He looked up and smiled at her, his cheeks showing the dimples she loved so much.

“Hey,” he said as Hannah got closer to him.

She grinned and felt her heart go a little faster. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too.”

And although Hannah was sure that Ulrich was just being nice and cool, part of her couldn’t help but feel special. He was happy to see _her_.

“How was your day yesterday?” Hannah asked, not even bothering to worry about being late for school. She could be late everyday if it meant that she got to spend time with Ulrich in the mornings.

Ulrich shrugged, but a smirk crept on his face as he glanced at her. “It was cool. I saw a movie.”

Hannah furrowed her brows. “A movie? Which one?” She didn’t remember anyone mentioning anything about going to the movies. Had she been left out? As far as she could remember, the last time their friends had all decided to watch a movie together, it’d been to watch _Back to the Future_. And like everyone else in the world, Hannah knew what the movie was about. But unlike everyone else, she was the only one who hadn’t actually _seen_ the movie. Somehow, no one had bothered to tell her about their plans. And like many times before, she’d been left behind and out of the loop. Hannah remembered that when she found out about it, she had spent the rest of the day in a bad mood. Whatever interest she’d ever had on the stupid movie was gone. She’d vowed on that day that despite how popular or good the movie was, she would never watch it. It had stung a lot, but she’d had no choice but to pretend like it hadn’t bothered her at all.

“ _The Breakfast Club_ ,” he replied.

“I thought that wasn’t in the movie theater anymore.” Hannah had wanted to watch it last year, but by the time she could, it was already gone.

The smirk didn’t leave Ulrich’s lips. “It’s not. I got Jürgen to get me a copy for cheap. I wasn’t going to pay for the real VHS.”

Hannah nodded; it made sense. Maybe she could watch the movie with him. But before she could ask him, Ulrich looked at his watch. “I’ll tell you about it on the way to school. Come.”

Hannah smiled slightly. It wasn’t what she wanted, but she didn’t mind. They were still going to school together. She couldn’t be happier.

* * *

While Hannah had known that it would’ve been impractical for her and Ulrich to walk to school, part of her wished they had. Even if they’d been late, it couldn’t have been more tiresome than what was happening at the moment.

All the way to school, Hannah found that she had to play a sad game of catch-up. More often than not, Hannah found herself sweaty and running out of breath as she tried to pedal at the same speed as Ulrich’s motorcycle. At some point, she’d even tried telling him to slow down or to wait for her, but just as she couldn’t hear more than half of the things he said about the movie, Hannah supposed he couldn’t hear her either. She almost got angry at him for that—the only thing stopping her being the fact that she could get a look at the back of his head or the side of his face whenever she got close enough. So much of her attention was on Ulrich that, much to her embarrassment, she almost fell from her bicycle several times.

By the time they got to school, Hannah realized that Ulrich had yet to notice that she hadn’t heard anything he’d said about the movie. She figured he was still talking about it because of the things he said here and there, but she truly had no idea what he was talking about. She hoped he would notice and that he would suggest that it might be better if they watched the movie together. But given how he didn’t stop talking, Hannah figured that she would have to be the one to make the suggestion.

“And then she says, ‘When you grow up your heart dies.’ That line hits you, bam! Right in your face, you know?” Ulrich told her enthusiastically as he made a fist with his hand and hit the air to prove his point.

While Hannah didn’t know what he was talking about, she kept her eyes on him. She replied with a “mm hmm” before getting lost in her thoughts.

Would now be a good time to ask him if he wanted to watch the movie with her? She didn’t mind if he spoke all throughout the movie—she just wanted him near her. Okay, maybe she did mind, but she could put that aside.

“And in the end you think they’ve become friends because that created a bond between them. But in the end, they’re all stuck in their little pigeonholes.”

He finally stopped talking—this was her chance.

“Maybe you want to see it again with me?”

Hannah waited for his response, but when she lifted her eyes full of hope, she knew she no longer had his attention. She felt crushed.

She punched his right arm the same way she’d seen Katharina do countless times. “Hello!” But unlike Katharina’s punches, Hannah got no response. Hannah was starting to become really upset. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Eh, yeah,” Ulrich said, not even bothering to look at her. He touched her shoulder briefly. “Let’s talk later, okay?” And without waiting for her response, he walked away. She saw him go towards where her friends were joined in a circle at the end of the hallway. He left Hannah with no choice but to look at the back of his head just as she’d done on the way to school.

She sighed.

“Hey, girls, what are you up to?” Hannah heard Ulrich say. She shook her head and pursed her lips. She kept her gaze on Ulrich and saw how Katharina punched him on the arm. But unlike with Hannah, Katharina did get a response. To her great annoyance, Katharina and Ulrich shared a smile.

“Want to go out for a smoke?” Ulrich suggested.

“Good idea.” Hannah heard someone say.

Then, she saw Ulrich and Katharina search for each other’s hands, their fingers intertwining. And whatever good mood Hannah had woken up with vanished into thin air. She clenched her jaw.

Why had Hannah thought that things would be different? Why had she thought that after the moment she and Ulrich had shared, that things would be in her favor?

Hannah looked down and grabbed her backpack’s straps so she could stop her hands from shaking. She turned around and began to walk away. A stupid part of her hoped that her friends would notice her and stop her from leaving. She even dared to hope that they would invite her for a smoke. But she knew deep down that that wouldn’t be the case. Why would they bother with a kid like her? She meant nothing to them just as she meant nothing to anyone. The only person Hannah was sure cared for her was her father, as pathetic and embarrassing as that sounded.

But before she left the hallway, she took one last glance at where her friends should’ve been. But to Hannah’s great disappointment, they had all left.

* * *

Luckily for Hannah, no teacher called her to participate in class. It was a good thing that no classmate was worried—not that they ever were—on why she was in such a bad mood, though Hannah supposed she’d gotten enough practice at hiding her moods from people by now. It wasn’t like anyone ever cared about her feelings anyway.

She spent the rest of her day unable to concentrate on anything other than Ulrich and Katharina. As much as she loved Ulrich, and as much as she liked that Katharina was her best friend—if what they had could be called a friendship—, Hannah couldn’t help but notice that she was starting to grow a bit of a dislike towards them. 

What would it take for them to act like she existed?

What would it take for Katharina to be nicer to her?

And what about Ulrich? What would it take for him to look at her? _Really_ look at her.

What would she have to do so that people didn’t have to see her as a nobody?

And most importantly, what would it take for her to stop being the loneliest person in Winden?

* * *

Rather than go out and join her friends after school, Hannah spent much of her time in the school’s bathroom.

She looked at her watch; she still had time before she had to go and meet up with her father. Taking advantage of this opportunity, Hannah stared at her reflection.

Against the school bathroom’s terrible lighting, her face looked paler and rounder than ever. To make matters worse, Hannah felt like her freckles had multiplied, making her face even uglier than before. She placed her hands on her face—first trying to change its shape, and then attempting to cover her endless freckles.

Were her freckles the cause of her problems? Did they make people not like her? Or was it because her face was too round? Hannah was pretty sure that no one liked a freckled face, even less so on a childish face like hers.

She then proceeded to stare at her eyes. She knew that her eyes weren’t ugly, but maybe they were a little too big and bug-like. Maybe they would look better if they could be blue. As far as she knew, there were no bugs with blue eyes. Trying to find a solution to the bug-like quality of her eyes, she closed them. Maybe that way no one would feel like they were staring at a bug. But a few seconds later, she realized that this was a very impractical solution on her behalf. She opened her eyes again.

 _They’re still too big,_ she thought with a sigh. _But at least I’m not like Four-Eyed Tiedemann._

Knowing that she could find relief in comparing herself to Regina made Hannah smile a little. But her smile didn’t last long, because just then, Hannah’s attention went from her eyes to her nose.

Her eyes went wide.

“Argh!” Her nose was definitely the problem. No one would ever want a girl with a pear-shaped nose! Hannah took a deep breath in and immediately regretted—if it had looked big before, now it looked even bigger. It was so unfair.

How could she solve this problem without the need for plastic surgery?

The only solution she came up with was trying to imagine that she could make it smaller just with the power of her mind.

She stared at her nose for what seemed like five minutes, just waiting for it to shrink, like a magic trick she’d once seen on tv. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized she wouldn’t know what to do if her nose magically shrunk just because she’d thought so. Perhaps all she really needed was another feature to distract people from her nose.

She looked down at her lips.

They weren’t that bad to look at, if she said so herself. They could be kissable. But the more Hannah stared at them, the more she realized that her lips weren’t like a model’s.

Hannah pressed her lips together in disapproval.

_It’s because I don’t wear lipstick. If I could wear makeup, I know that I would be so much prettier than Katharina, Ingrid, and any other girl in school._

But then Hannah looked at every little imperfection on her face. _Oh, who am I kidding? I’d still be unnoticed. The only one who would notice would be Papa._

Her eyes widened and she looked at her watch. She needed to go; her father would be waiting for her.

* * *

All throughout the ride, Hannah stayed silent, even more than usual. She couldn’t help it—her list was growing incredibly longer with each passing second.

She thought about the flaws of her face, and she thought about her height. She thought about her clothes, and she thought about the fact that she was the youngest of her friends.

And before she knew it, her father parked the van. They had arrived at the hospital and she hadn’t even noticed.

Her father broke the silence. “This will take a while.”

Hannah kept her gaze out the window, preferring to stay quiet.

He continued anyway. “Half an hour or so.”

She turned her head slightly to nod.

He must’ve noticed that something was off with her because his tone changed to one of concern. “Hey? Everything okay?”

Hannah nodded, even though she was pretty sure her face said otherwise.

She figured her lie was convincing enough because her father just said, “Okay.” And with that, he got out of the van, leaving Hannah all alone.

And just then, Hannah knew what the real problem was.

It had to be her lack of boobs.

 _They aren’t_ that _small… are they?_

She discreetly looked around to make sure that nobody would see what she was about to do.

Hannah pulled her neckline and looked down at herself. Disappointed, she let it fall against her flat chest.

_Oh well._

Having nothing to entertain herself with, Hannah looked around until she saw a boy sitting on a bench by himself.

Where had she seen him before?

Having nothing to lose, she left the van and walked towards him, hands in pockets. She kept her eyes on him the entire time, and the closer she got, the more she could distinguish his face.

_Is he the weird boy from the other day?_

Rather than sit on the same bench as him, Hannah decided to sit on the one next to it. She felt him briefly glance at her before turning his attention back to his book.

She looked at him. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

The boy glanced at her from head to toe but said nothing.

That was all Hannah needed to know that not even he thought she was pretty. What had she been expecting?

Hannah looked away and pursed her lips. “Well, great.” But it wasn’t long before something on the ground caught her attention. Right between them was a bottle cap. Maybe she could still get him to talk to her.

Unable to bear the silence and her own miserable company, she said, “Know what I sometimes imagine?” She saw him glance at her again, his book forgotten. Good. “That I can do magic. I imagine that I want something. Really bad. And then it happens, because I imagine it. Like moving that bottle cap.” She pointed at the bottle cap, and the boy leaned forward.

Now she just had to wait to see if she could get him to talk.

But what he said wasn’t what she’d expected, not that she knew what she was expecting from him. He said, “Do you know Houdini?”

“Who?” she asked.

“Harry Houdini, one of the world’s greatest magicians.”

She shook her head in confusion. He put his book away and grabbed the bottle cap.

Well, at least she got him to move the bottle cap for her. 

“There is no such thing as magic, just illusion.” He placed the bottle cap on his bandaged hand, leaving it open. Then, he showed her his right hand, also leaving it face up and open so she could see that he had nothing to hide. “Things only change when we change them. But you have to do it skillfully, in secret. Then it seems like magic.” He closed his palms, the bottle cap disappearing from her view. She directed her gaze from his hands to his face, paying more attention to his words than his trick. From the corner of her eye, she saw him cross his hands, one on top of the other, and then bump each fist. He then opened both palms, showing her that the bottle cap, that had once been on his left hand, had magically appeared on his right one.

Impressed, Hannah asked, “Where did you learn that?”

The boy said something she wasn’t expecting at all. “I’m from the future.”

Hannah smirked. “You’re cool.”

And once again, he managed to impress her with his response. “No, I’m Mikkel.”

And for the first time since the morning, Hannah found herself genuinely smiling. She did have to give him points for making her smile in such a bad day. She extended her hand to him. “Hello, Mikkel, boy from the future, I’m Hannah.”

They shook hands; Hannah saw him smile before it quickly left his face. His attention went back to his book.

Now that she was closer to him, Hannah noticed that she was right; this was the boy from the other day. He looked slightly better than before, even if he still had that lost and sad expression on his face. Given how bad and dirty he had looked like at school, she figured he must’ve found someone to help him. She hoped he didn’t remember how she had walked away with Katharina rather than stay behind and help him.

But the minutes started going by and not once did he start conversation or glance her way.

She sighed.

What could they talk about?

Although Hannah thought it was funny that Mikkel said he was from the future, she found herself half believing it. One could never know; things had been weird since Chernobyl. Maybe time travel was possible after all.

Maybe she could get him to give her information about future events. But should she? Ideally, she would want to know about herself, but considering that they didn’t know each other, he might not have a single piece of information on her. And if she happened to ask about her favorite singers or any upcoming movies, there might be a chance that he wouldn’t know any of them.

Maybe she should just ask him for another magic trick. That one was pretty cool.

“Do you know any other tricks, boy from the future?” she asked, hoping that he had heard her.

He nodded.

“Well,” Hannah said. “What are you waiting for?”

“Waiting for what?”

She rolled her eyes. “To show me some more. You can’t keep your audience waiting for too long or I might leave the show.”

He frowned. “Let me think of some.”

“While you do that, can you show me how you did the other one?”

But much to Hannah’s disappointment, he shook his head. Now it was her turn to frown. “Why?”

She saw him straightened his back and reply to her like it was the most obvious thing. “Magicians never reveal their secrets.”

She scowled. “Just tell me how you do it.”

He smiled, albeit a bit sadly. He shook his head and whispered, “The question isn’t how, the question is when.”

He sure said a lot of weird things. But if he was from the future, then she supposed that’s how things were. Maybe she could fit right in.

She crossed her arms. “Are you going to perform a trick or not?”

“Do you have a coin?”

“A coin?” When he nodded, Hannah went to get one but told him, “But you better give it back. If this a cheap trick to get money from me then you better think twice.”

He sighed exasperatedly. “Do you want to see magic tricks or not? I want to do it, but if you’re going to be like this, I’ll just go back to reading the book.”

Hannah bit the inside of her cheek. How dare he threaten to ignore her? Before she could get in another bad mood, Hannah handed over the coin. “It better be good, Houdini.”

He smirked at the name and directed all his attention onto her.

* * *

Hannah lost track of how many tricks he’d perform with just one coin. Trick after trick she found herself amazed at how the coin would always disappear right under her nose. She’d even tried distracting him just to see a trick fail, but he never fell for it.

When he was done, he gave the coin back to her. She saw him eye his book, and she felt nervous. She didn’t want this to end, not yet.

“I can do magic tricks too,” Hannah said quickly. “I can make that bottle cap disappear. And not just with my mind.”

He raised his eyebrows, slightly amused. “Show me.”

She showed him the bottle cap in her hand, just as he’d done earlier. “You have to close your eyes.”

He was about to say something, but Hannah figured that her look must’ve made him change his mind. He took a breath in and closed his eyes. Careful not to make any noise, Hannah placed the bottle cap inside of her jacket pocket. Then she brought her hands in front of him and closed them.

“You can open your eyes now.” He did as he was told. Hannah smiled smugly and sat straighter. “Now you have to tell me in which hand you think it is in.”

His eyes went from fist to fist until he said, “Your hands are empty. You hid the bottle cap somewhere else.”

She deflated and opened her hands. Bummer. He must’ve heard her put it in her pocket. But she was having too much fun to care. “You still need to say where you think it is.”

But before he could give her his answer, Hannah heard someone call out her name. Hannah turned around and saw her father waving at her.

Her mood faltered a little; she had to admit that she really was enjoying her time with Mikkel.

“Well, Mikkel Houdini,” she said, noticing that his expression change into something that she couldn’t pinpoint. Maybe he liked her company as much as she was liking his. “I need to go.” She jumped off the bench and shook the dust off herself. She smirked and faced him. “Thank you for showing me your tricks. See you around.” She half waved at him and walked away.

She was about to turn around one last time to see if he was still there looking at her or if he had vanished like the other day, when she bumped into someone. She scowled and saw who it was. Nurse Kahnwald. Begrudgingly Hannah said, “I’m sorry, Nurse Kahnwald.”

But Nurse Kahnwald only nodded and walked away, barely acknowledging Hannah’s existence even though they’d seen each other numerous times.

Once inside the van, right before they left, Hannah glanced at Mikkel one last time, only to see that Nurse Kahnwald was talking to him.

Did they know each other?

And so, Hannah and her father left the hospital.

* * *

Once they arrived at school, her father told her the exact same thing he had at the hospital. And just like she’d done before, Hannah got out of the van.

Hannah put her hands in her pockets and frowned when she felt something cold inside one of them.

The bottle cap.

Hannah knew that she needed to find a place to throw it away, but she was in no hurry to do so, not with so much time to spare. But before she could do anything about it, she heard a familiar sound coming from the window by the benches.

Where had she heard that sound before?

She heard laughter.

Ah, it was Katharina’s voice… and she was laughing?

Hannah looked around to see if anyone would see her. Seeing that everything was clear, she got on top of the bench, having to get on her tiptoes in order to see through a crack in the corner of the window. She hoped that she would go unnoticed.

Hannah glanced into the storage room and saw Ulrich, with his shirt off, as he towered over Katharina. Katharina took her shirt off and Ulrich cupped her cheeks; they pulled each other into a kiss. He slowly pushed her down and laid on top of her.

Hannah’s eyes widened and she gaped slightly. She knew what they were about to do.

Hannah lowered her eyelashes, wanting nothing more than to look away and pretend like this wasn’t real. But for some reason, Hannah was unable to look away just as she was unable to cover her ears. And for some sick reason that she wouldn’t and didn’t want to understand, she stared at them as they continued, oblivious to the fact that Hannah was there. And the more it seemed like they were enjoying it, the more Hannah felt something twisting tightly in her chest. She found it hard to breathe.

It wasn’t fair. This was wrong.

Hannah covered her mouth with her hand. She wanted to yell at Ulrich. She wanted to tell him to please stop doing what he was doing with Katharina. But Hannah found that she couldn’t breathe, let alone speak. Every second that passed, every minute that she spent looking at them, without being able to look away, she felt like she was being choked, and that all she could see was red. And then she saw him pull down his pants, kiss Katharina, and—

Hannah got down from the bench and got back to the van. She couldn’t bear to see them, and she didn’t want to hear them, even if some sick part of her wanted to.

* * *

Once her father began driving, Hannah had stayed silent for most of the ride. Her thoughts looping and staying in what she’d seen, what she’d heard, and what she’d felt, as she gazed out the window.

Ulrich kissing Katharina all over… Katharina’s hands all over him… Ulrich without his clothes… Katharina’s chest… The sounds of pleasure coming from their mouths… Ulrich on top of Katharina… Hannah’s heart hurting as it twisted like it had never done before… The world going red…

Feeling her hands tremble, Hannah hid them inside her pockets, only to feel the cool metal of the bottle cap against her skin once again. She held on to it like her life depended on it, even if it was leaving marks on her palm. She wanted nothing more than to go back to the hospital and have Mikkel distract her with his tricks.

She closed her eyes and tried to remember what he’d said and done, just so she could feel something else than this ugly thing that was slowly consuming her.

If only she could do magic and make Ulrich and Katharina disappear, then everything would be better. If only magic were real…

Magic…

Hannah opened her eyes.

What had he said about magic?

_That there is no such thing as magic, just illusion. He said that things only change when we change them. But for it to work, it has to be done in secret. Only then will it seem like magic._

And Hannah let those words run in her head at the same time as she thought about her situation and Ulrich and Katharina’s relationship.

_I can change things… but I have to do it in skillfully... and in secret…_

“Papa,” Hannah said, breaking the silence.

“Mm hmm,” he said.

“If you’ve seen something you shouldn’t have…” she started, not exactly stumbling on her words but still a little unsure of herself, of what she was going to say, and where she was going with this. She saw him furrowed his eyebrows and look at her.

“What do you mean?” he asked. She had his attention now.

She had to choose her words carefully and be as vague as she could. “Well, something that’s not right.”

“Not right in what sense?” he asked, sounding more confused and concerned than before.

“Well, if someone does something with someone and it’s wrong,” she said a little slowly.

“What did you see?” he asked clearly concerned but still managing to keep his voice soft as if not to scare her from her confession.

There was no turning back now, she had to continue and see this through. “Ulrich touched her breasts and laid on top of her. And she didn’t want it.” Hannah wasn’t going to bother with telling him that she was talking about two different _shes_.

“You’re going to tell me exactly what you saw, okay?”

She nodded, not exactly sure of how she should feel.

* * *

Hannah was glad that she had kept her story short and vague when she told her father. She wasn’t sure if she could’ve remembered her exact words if she’d gone into detail.

Now that she was at the police station, she was feeling nervous. What was she going to do if word of this got out? If people knew it was her who told this? What would Katharina and Ulrich do to her? Whatever they did, she was more than sure it would be worse than anything they had ever done to anyone before.

Guessing that they had misunderstood the cause of her nerves, her father and Egon Tiedemann reassured her that her identity and her testimony would be protected. No one would ever know that it was her. It still didn’t comfort Hannah.

* * *

“And then he laid down on top of her and held her mouth shut. Like this.” She covered her mouth with her hand.

“Did she resist?” Egon Tiedemann asked.

Hannah nodded. “She yelled ‘stop’ and struggled. But he was on top of her.” Hannah wrung her hands.

“Did he see you?”

She shook her head.

He leaned forward. “What did he do then? Did he…?”

This was it. There was no turning back. “He choked her, and she went all red. Then he pulled down his pants and…”

But Egon Tiedemann saved her from the rest. “You don’t have to continue. You did the right thing. You were very brave.”

Hannah looked down and felt her father place a hand on her shoulder.

It was over.

She’d done it.

Now she just needed to wait.

* * *

And that night, right after getting home, Hannah still didn’t know how to feel about everything that had happened. But she guessed she must’ve had a pained facial expression because she heard her father get closer to her.

“Hannah,” he said. “I know that you’re upset about what you saw today.” Upset didn’t even begin to describe how she felt. “But I want you to know that I’m proud of you.”

At that statement Hannah looked at him but said nothing. She felt sick.

_What would Papa think if he knew the truth?_

Hannah just shrugged. “It was nothing.”

But her father shook his head. He gently placed his hands on her shoulders. “No, Hannah. What you did was really brave of you. I’m sure other people would’ve stayed silent. But you knew that what he did was wrong and that she was hurt. I’m sure Katharina is grateful to have a friend like you.”

Hannah sighed and kept her gaze on the floor. She knew that if she saw her father’s eyes, she might do or say something stupid. She could handle anything else, but never her father’s disappointment should she blurt out the truth.

“You did the right thing. I know it’ll be hard for you to forget what you saw but remember that I’m here for you.” Hannah nodded and saw him smile. “Good night. You need rest.” He kissed the top of her head.

Hannah’s voice wavered. “Good night, Papa.”

* * *

Once in her room, after getting ready to go to bed, Hannah stared at her diary. With trembling hands, she went through her few pictures of Ulrich and felt a lump on her throat. She bit her lips and blinked rapidly, trying to not let the tears fall down her cheeks.

Why would they do that against her?

Hannah shook her head and grabbed the bottle cap that now sat on top of her desk. She’d found herself unable to let go of it after all. Who knew that a silly thing like a bottle cap could change her life?

After turning off the light, she laid down and stared at the ceiling. Unable to hold it anymore, a few tears ran down, and she covered her mouth with her hand. She wondered if there was a magic trick to mend a broken heart. Mikkel’s tricks had been the only good thing to have happened to her all day.

Trying not to think about what the future held for her should everything fall apart, Hannah waited for the darkness to take over and whatever peace it brought with it. After what felt like hours, she eventually fell asleep with the bottle cap still in her hand.


	6. I am not afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to her, he just didn’t know how to. Under normal circumstances he was more than sure that he would’ve engaged in conversation and would’ve performed some magic tricks for her to enjoy. But the fear, the pain, and the confusion he felt now overpowered everything else. Besides, what was he supposed to tell her if his family, as he knew it, had yet to exist? What was he supposed to do if he had already told her the truth and she hadn’t believed him? How was he supposed to act now that his life, as he knew it, had yet to exist? How was he not supposed to be afraid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank limeinthecoconut and Marchesa_di_Pescara for the kudos. I also want to thank falafelfiction and her_black_tights for their comments on the last chapter :) I really appreciate it! ^_^
> 
> Today we have a Mikkel chapter.  
> Sorry that this chapter ended up being so long x_x I don't know what happened (I kind of do). I'm pretty sure that next chapter will be the end of Season 1 and then I can finally move on and write about the real development of the Kahnwald family (I just feel like I have to set things up right before I do that). 
> 
> Hope you like the chapter! Enjoy the reading :)

_November 6th 1986_

The day after his failed escape attempt, Mikkel spent most of his time in and out of consciousness, fighting a battle he didn’t know which side he was supposed to be on.

The moments Mikkel was awake, he found that he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. He wanted nothing more than for the darkness to take over and bring him peace. He wanted nothing more than to wake up from this nightmare and find himself in his room. And he wanted nothing more than to realize that this had been nothing but a dream.

But at the same time, when Mikkel felt his head drooping and his eyesight blurring, he wanted nothing more than to stay awake. He feared that the moment he closed his eyes, that there would be another sign of time travel and that he would be unfortunate enough to miss it. He didn’t want to lose his chance; he knew he would never forgive himself if he did. And even though he could barely walk—let alone run—with a broken leg, he knew he could endure that pain if it meant going back home.

But what truly scared him most about falling asleep was the possibility that he would still be here and not in his room like he dared to hope. There would be nothing more disappointing than waking up and finding out that he was still stuck in the past.

* * *

_November 7th 1986_

Mikkel sat on the hospital bed, his body facing towards the window. His food was left untouched on the bedside drawer. Even though he knew that he needed to eat, Mikkel found himself unable to. 

He heard Nurse Ines as she walked towards him, but as usual, Mikkel said nothing. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to her, he just didn’t know how to. Under normal circumstances he was more than sure that he would’ve engaged in conversation and would’ve performed some magic tricks for her to enjoy. But the fear, the pain, and the confusion he felt now overpowered everything else. Besides, what was he supposed to tell her if his family, as he knew it, had yet to exist? What was he supposed to do if he had already told her the truth and she hadn’t believed him? How was he supposed to act now that his life, as he knew it, had yet to exist? How was he not supposed to be afraid?

That’s why, despite her gentle tone and her caring words, and the fact that she had gotten him a gift, he found himself unable to talk to her. But Mikkel knew he wasn’t being fair to her. It wasn’t her fault that he was stuck here, that he was alone and afraid, that he didn’t know what to do.

Trying to put his self-pity to a side, Mikkel decided that he would at least thank her for everything she’d done for him. But by the time he’d gathered the courage to do so, she’d already left the room.

Disappointed in himself for being unable to do such a simple thing, Mikkel spent the rest of the morning upset at himself. His only consolation was that he knew he would eventually see Nurse Ines again, and when that happened, he would be sure to finally thank her.

He owed her that much.

* * *

But the next time she came in, right before he could say anything, she told him that she had a surprise. And for some reason, Mikkel felt nervous.

What kind of surprise would that be? He hoped it was good because he had had enough of surprises to last a lifetime.

“You have a visitor,” she told him with a small smile. “He’s waiting outside the door.”

Mikkel was unable to stop himself from wondering if perhaps someone from his time had come to rescue him.

Was it his father? Magnus? Or was it perhaps Jonas? Was Jonas alright? Had Jonas been looking for him just as Mikkel had looked for Jonas?

But just as his hopes had quickly risen, they fell hard and fast when the man who came in through the door wasn’t someone he knew.

Mikkel couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

And although Mikkel heard the man sit on the chair next to him, he didn’t lift his gaze from his _Captain Future_ comic. Mikkel was sure that if his mother were here, she would’ve scolded him for his lack of good manners.

“I’m Noah,” the man said. “I’m a priest at St. Christopher’s Church. Ines called me.” He asked calmly, “Do you believe in God?”

Mikkel’s attention went from the comic book to the man; he shook his head.

“How do you believe the world came to be? Who created all the beautiful things?”

And for the first time since he came through the caves, Mikkel felt like a part of himself had come back to him. He looked at the man and said, “The world came to be through the Big Bang. 13. 8 billion years ago. That’s how space, time and matter came to be, and Earth as well. The rest is evolution.”

“And what was there before the Big Bang? Nothing can arise from nothing. Maybe the Big Bang is nothing more than God’s act of creation.”

“My father says religion is the brainwashing of the masses,” Mikkel told him. While not everyone in the Nielsen family was a science enthusiast like Mikkel, they all agreed with his father’s idea of religion. 

The priest nodded and almost smiled. “I’m sure your father knows a lot, but he doesn’t know everything. It’s good that he raised you to question things. But every now and then, it’s good to question those who question things.” And although he had kept his voice gentle, something about the priest’s tone made Mikkel want to get away from him as soon as possible. That feeling intensified when the priest said, “God has a plan for every human being. Including you.”

* * *

After his exchange with the priest, Mikkel felt like he desperately needed to get away from the confines of the hospital room. He was beginning to feel suffocated.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Nurse Ines came in and sat near him.

“How did it go?” she asked him softly.

Mikkel shrugged, not knowing what he should say. But upon seeing her face, Mikkel thought he should’ve lied and told her it went well. Her sad expression made him feel like he was ungrateful for the things she did in hopes of making him feel better.

While Mikkel had slightly enjoyed his conversation with the priest, he found that the man’s tone and words left him more uncomfortable than he thought a religious man should make anyone feel. And although Mikkel had never gone to church, he hoped that the people who did were not as creeped out as he was with his experience.

But he knew that regardless of what had happened, that Nurse Ines had meant well.

“He made you feel uncomfortable, didn’t he?” she asked him with a sigh. “I wasn’t sure if you believed in God or not, but I was hoping that maybe he would provide some comfort. I thought, well, that maybe you would feel more comfortable talking to someone who wasn’t me. I didn’t know who else to get.” She smiled slightly. “But let’s put that behind us, yes?”

He nodded.

She extended her hand. “Do you want to go outside? I think some fresh air would do you good.”

* * *

With Nurse Ines’s help, Mikkel managed to get to the hospital’s courtyard and sit on a bench.

“I’ll come back later,” she told him, handing him his present. “I need to take care of some things. But should you need or want anything, please don’t hesitate in asking for help. I’ll try to be back as soon as possible.”

Now that he was outside, breathing in the chilly November air, Mikkel realized that he hadn’t bothered coming up with a plan for when he got better and had to go back to the caves. He stared at his cast.

Should he try to go back to the caves now that he was outside and out of Nurse Ines’s sight? Or should he wait until his leg was healed to do that?

Weighing his options, he decided that the best course of action was to wait until his leg healed. As much as he hated how sick the hospital made him feel, Mikkel realized that it was his only home in this bizarre situation. But rather than sit and spend time thinking about that, Mikkel decided that maybe he should focus on something else... like opening the gift Nurse Ines had gotten him.

Carefully, he undid the wrapping paper and came face to face with a hardcover book called _I Am Not Afraid._ Mikkel wondered if Nurse Ines thought that it might make him feel less afraid and more willing to talk to her. He'd never heard of the book, but since he had nothing better to do, he flipped the book over to know what it was about. But just as he was about to do that, he heard someone sit next to him.

He took a small glance to see who it was; it was a girl who looked to be in a bad mood. Not wanting to stare and spend time trying to figure out who she was supposed to be in the future, and not particularly interested in talking to her, Mikkel directed his attention back to his only possession in this time. Besides, he couldn't risk altering the future more than he was sure he already had done. 

But it seemed like the girl had other plans because before he could even read the first page, she spoke. And while Mikkel had originally not wanted to talk to her, he found himself unable to do so. Before he knew it, for the second time in the day, Mikkel felt like another part of himself had come back to him as he performed a simple magic trick for her.

“Where did you learn that?” she asked when he was done.

“I’m from the future,” he told her truthfully, unsure as to why he’d said that or why he’d gone against his decision from two days ago.

But she only smirked, probably thinking of it as a joke. “You’re cool.”

And once again, feeling very much like himself, he said, “No, I’m Mikkel.”

She smiled at him and extended her hand. “Hello, Mikkel, boy from the future, I’m Hannah.”

Unsure of what this meant for him, Mikkel shook her hand and smiled slightly.

* * *

Somehow, Mikkel had kept talking and performing magic tricks for Hannah. If he was honest with himself, he found that he didn’t mind her company at all. Despite his initial reluctance, it felt good to momentarily feel like himself, even if in the back of his head he feared that he had messed up the future.

“Well, Mikkel Houdini,” Hannah said, leaving Mikkel with no choice but to think about the poster in his bedroom back in his time. It was a silly thing, but having her, a stranger, say _Mikkel Houdini_ brought him a sense of ironic sadness. How many times had he dreamt of having strangers from all around Winden, Germany, and maybe even the world, call him by his stage name? How many times had he dreamt of becoming the next Houdini and achieving the greatest trick of all time? And yet, now that it had finally happened, in a way he had yet to understand, he couldn’t help but feel cheated. This hadn’t been what he meant when he made his birthday wish a couple of months ago.

Mikkel was so caught up in his thoughts that, although he was looking at Hannah, he didn’t register a single thing she said as she walked away. He only came into his senses when he saw Nurse Ines and Hannah bump into each other.

He slouched; Nurse Ines was probably going to take him back to the room. He found that he wasn’t ready to go back just yet. Mikkel glanced at the book and wondered if he should pretend like he’d been reading it. Maybe that would give him some more time outside.

But just as he was about to open the book and read the first page, a shadow loomed over him. He looked up; it was Nurse Ines.

“Hello,” she said with the smile that never seemed to leave her face.

He tried returning the gesture, but it felt forced to him. “Hello.”

“Did the fresh air make you feel better?” she asked while taking a cigarette out. “You don’t look as pale as you did earlier today.”

Mikkel nodded.

With the cigarette still unlit, Nurse Ines grinned and pointed at the book. “You opened it. Do you like it?”

He briefly debated whether to lie just to make her happy or to tell her the truth. But it felt wrong to lie to her when she’d been nothing but nice to him. Out of all the people he’d encountered in this time, she was the only one that made him feel less scared. “I haven’t read it yet,” he confessed. “I’m sorry.”

She sat down on the bench. “Hey, no. It’s okay. You can read it whenever you like.” She shrugged. “Or you don’t even have to read it. You don’t have to force yourself. I just thought a book would be something nice to have.” She chuckled and shook her head. Then she murmured, more to herself than to Mikkel, “But what do I know about buying gifts to children?”

And although Mikkel was sure that he wasn’t meant to hear those last words, they made him feel worse. He was sure he had just hurt her feelings. Although he knew the book wouldn’t have been something that he would’ve picked for himself, he was very grateful that she'd taken the time to get him something she thought he would like. 

Feeling braver than before, he said, “I know I didn’t say it before, and I know should've, but I want to thank you.” His grip on the book tightened. “And not just the book… I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. It really means a lot to me.”

Nurse Ines smiled gently, “There’s no need to thank me, but you’re very welcome.”

Nurse Ines smoked her cigarette and Mikkel’s attention went back to the book. Something about the book’s cover and color choice captured his attention. He ran his fingers over the drawing of the moon.

“Do you know Sebastian’s daughter?” Nurse Ines asked, breaking the silence. “I mean, do you go to school together?”

Mikkel furrowed his eyebrows. “Who?”

She kept her gaze towards the hospital. “I thought you were talking to her before I came.”

Then it clicked in. “Hannah?”

Nurse Ines looked at him and nodded. “Yes. I always forget her name.” She frowned slightly. “Don’t tell her I said that.”

Mikkel tried to contain a chuckle. He smiled sheepishly and zipped his lips. “I won’t. But no, I don’t know her. We just met. We were talking about magic.”

At the mention of magic, she raised her eyebrows. “Magic? You like magic?”

And for the third time in the day, Mikkel felt like himself and not the boy lost in time. “Do you know Houdini?”

Nurse Ines grinned.

* * *

Mikkel already missed the courtyard’s open space. As much as he appreciated the fact that he at least had clean clothes, food, and a bed to sleep on, being inside the hospital was already making him feel sick. There was only so much bright light and antiseptic smell a person could take.

Mikkel was about to thank Nurse Ines once again when he noticed that there was something bothering her. Despite their time outside and their talk about Houdini, Mikkel had felt like there was something that she had wanted to tell him. It was even more noticeable now that they were inside the hospital’s oddly suffocating comfort.

“I know I asked you before,” she began slowly, “and I don’t want to scare you, but is there really nothing you could tell me about you and your family?”

He sighed. Although he was growing quite tired with the constant questions, he knew it was part of her job. And even if he did tell her the truth—which he had—she wouldn’t believe him, no one would.

But he figured his silence was enough for her to take a hint that he didn’t want to talk about it, because she sat across from him and grabbed his hands.

“Like I said before, you don’t have to tell me what happened to you. I know that there are times when we don’t want to talk to people. But just know that regardless of what happened, you can count on me. I can help you if you let me. You don't have to be afraid of me.” She took a breath in and looked at him sadly. “I know I told you before that you could stay at the hospital, but…”

Mikkel’s breath hitched; he knew that whatever she was going to say next wasn’t good. Although he knew that he would eventually have to leave the hospital, he didn’t think it would be this soon. He asked slowly, “What’s going to happen to me?”

She ran her thumbs against his wrists, just as she had done the other day. “I wish you could stay longer, I really do, but the hospital isn’t a place for children.”

And the fear that Mikkel had felt when he first left the caves came back to haunt him. A desperate part of him wanted to close his eyes and cover his ears and pretend that this wasn’t real. He asked her quietly, “I’m going away, aren’t I?”

He took a small glance at her, but it was enough to see that he had hit the nail on the head.

Nurse Ines nodded slowly, like it pained her to do so. “Child Protective Services came today. Since we know nothing about you and no family has asked for you, they have no choice but to take you and send you to a children's home.” Regardless of how gentle her tone was, Mikkel still felt nervous at where this was going. “It won’t be today since there are some things that need to be done, but you won’t be staying at the hospital for much longer. I’m really sorry. I wish there was something I could do.”

And suddenly, he felt very sick. He had hoped that when he left it was to go back home. But now, all chances of him going home were becoming slimmer with each second.

“I know it must frustrate you that I keep asking you about your family, but it’s because I can’t help but feel that if it were me, and my son were in your position, that I wouldn’t stop searching for him, no matter what had happened.” Mikkel wasn’t sure if he had heard her voice tremble, but he was sure of the pause and the sharp breath she had taken. “No mother should have to go through the uncertainty of not knowing where her child is.”

Mikkel felt his chin wobble and he squeezed Nurse Ines’s hands. He wanted to believe that his mother was frantically searching for him, that his whole family was. But even if they were, what were the chances that they would figure out that he was in the past?

Unable to stop himself from feeling slightly envious that Nurse Ines’s son was still with his mother, Mikkel said, “Your son must feel very lucky that he has a mother like you. I don’t know if my parents know or realize where I am.”

She let go of his hands and placed her hands on his cheeks. “I don’t know what happened to you or to your family, but I want you to know that regardless of what happened that you’re not alone. I know how it feels to not know what will happen to you, or in which direction God wants you to go to, or in who to trust, I really do. Just know that it’s okay to feel like that. I just want you to know that there’s nothing to be afraid of. Please know that you can count on me, just like I hoped my son would’ve counted on me.”

Mikkel finally looked at her in the face. Something in it had changed, just as something in their conversation had changed. And suddenly, it dawned on Mikkel what had happened. He stayed quiet, unable to find the right words to say, and afraid of messing things up even more than he was sure he already had. But he knew he had to say something. With a remorseful tone, he said, “I’m really sorry about your son, I didn’t know.”

But she shook her head and tried to give him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. It happened a long time ago. I’m sure he’s in a better place now… At least, that’s what I want to believe.” She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again to look at him. She said quietly, “There must be a reason why it happened, why God needed him by his side.”

Although Mikkel didn’t believe in God, it didn’t stop him from wondering why so many people placed their faith on a being that could cause so much pain. If there really was a God—which Mikkel highly doubted there was—and if He had a plan for everyone, then what kind of plan involved in making so many people suffer? Why bring so much unhappiness to people who didn’t deserve it? Why take loved ones away from their families? What kind of cruel joke was that?

“Did he…” he asked, not exactly sure what he was asking, and not exactly sure what he wanted to hear.

But luckily for him, Nurse Ines seemed to know, or at the very least, figured out what he wanted to ask. “He died just hours after he was born. I don’t think it was painful, at least not for him.”

Unable to contain himself, he gave her a hug. Mikkel closed his eyes and his voice wavered as he felt her arms wrap around him. “I’m sure your son was happy to have you as his mama, even if it was for a short time.” And although Mikkel didn’t believe in anything that he couldn’t find proof for, he said, “I’m sure he’s looking after you, wherever he is.”

She whispered into his hair, “Thank you.”

* * *

Later that night, after having dinner, Nurse Ines offered to read him the book.

As she began to read and Mikkel’s eyes started closing, he found that he no longer wanted to fight a battle against sleep. He let go of all his worries and focused on the sound of her soothing voice, letting it lull him to sleep.

* * *

_November 9th 1986_

Mikkel had been about six years old when him and his family had gone to visit his grandfather at the hospital. And while Mikkel couldn’t remember why his grandfather had been at the hospital for, he did remember wanting to taste some of the green gelatin that his grandfather had said was the only good thing about the hospital food. Now, in 1986, Mikkel could wholeheartedly agree with his grandfather; the lime-flavored gelatin truly was the only good thing about the hospital food.

Staring at the people passing through the courtyard, Mikkel felt slightly sad that he was having his last bite before heading back indoors. 

Nurse Ines must’ve noticed a change in his expression because she said, “I’ll see if I can get you some more. It’s quite popular. Wait here.”

While he waited Nurse Ines to come back, for a moment, Mikkel could’ve sworn he saw some bright yellow somewhere in the distance. But before he could talk himself into finding out what it might've been, Nurse Ines showed up with another serving of delicious gelatin.

“Thank you,” he told her with a sheepish smile.

He could no longer see any bright yellow anywhere.

* * *

In the hospital hallway, Mikkel stood in front of the vending machine, trying to figure out which item to choose. He looked at what he thought looked like a Twix chocolate bar and went for it. And just as he was getting his chocolate bar, Mikkel thought he saw a flash of yellow once again. But when he went to turn around, he saw that it was none other than Hannah coming his way, her hands in her pockets. There was nothing yellow about her.

“Hello,” Mikkel said.

She looked up, unamused, and said, “Hello.”

“You came for another magic show?”

But she didn’t laugh. “You never told me where you thought I hid the bottle cap.”

“Oh, right,” he said. “It was in your pocket, no?”

“Not anymore,” she replied. “But you are right. I guess that’s it for my magic career.”

He smiled slightly. “Want some chocolate to cheer you up?” She eyed him curiously, as if she couldn’t believe he had suggested that, but she took the piece nonetheless.

“Anyway, boy from the future,” she said. “I wanted to thank you for the other day.”

“For showing you magic tricks?” he asked.

“Yes and no. I really wasn’t having a good day, but I think you helped me make things better.”

He smiled briefly. “I’m glad I could help.”

She smirked and took a bite out of the chocolate bar.

Having nothing else to talk about, he said, “Bye then.”

“Wait,” she said, putting her hands in her pockets. “I’ll go with you. I have time to spare.”

Not minding the company, he let her follow him, even though he was sure that she still would’ve followed him, regardless of what his answer might've been.

* * *

Once they got to his room, Mikkel sat down and waited for Hannah to leave.

But instead of leaving, she eyed him from head to toe. Leaning against the door, hands still in pockets, she asked him, “So, does your mother work here in the hospital?”

He felt himself get depressed; there was no way he could tell her that his mother was her friend. “No.”

“I see.” She looked at him sympathetically. “Did you find her?”

He stared at his cast, not knowing how to answer that.

Luckily for him, Hannah seemed to have noticed a change in his mood because she quickly added, “I mean, since you were looking for her the other day, I just thought… well, never mind.”

He glanced at her and shrugged. “It’s fine.”

She walked towards the window and said, more to herself than to him, “Mothers, they’re never there when you need them.”

And although he wanted to disagree with her and her odd comment, he didn’t say anything. His mother had always been there when he needed her… it just so happened to be that this was a very special case. It wasn’t her fault that he had showed up in the past and that she was a teenager with no knowledge of her future. But he supposed Hannah was right; now that he needed his mother the most, she was thirty-three years away from him.

“You’re a smart kid,” Hannah said breaking the silence, and seeming to want to change the subject. “Or you should be, since I’m guessing that you must be smart to time travel.”

Mikkel eyed her curiously.

What or where was she getting to?

“If a pretty girl,” she started before pausing to glare at him. “Right, a not pretty girl—quite an ugly one if you ask me—and her father offer you a ride in their van because it’s raining and she tells you that it’s dangerous, do you take it?”

“Why would it be dangerous if it was raining?”

She rolled her eyes and sighed. “And here I thought people from the future were smart. It’s acidic.”

He must’ve had a stupid look on his face because she stared at him in exasperation. “Chernobyl?”

“Ah, yes,” he said slowly. He didn’t know how bad the impact had been, but he figured things must’ve gotten better if no one worried about the rain in 2019. Sure, he knew that it wasn’t always safe, but he hadn’t seen anything wrong with it.

He waited for her to say something, but she seemed to be expecting an answer from him. He chose his words carefully, “But I thought everything was better now, you know? It’s been a year.”

“I don’t care what they say, I still think it has acid in it.” She smirked like she was proud of her statement. “I’m telling you, there’s an apocalypse waiting to happen any day now.” Before she sat on his bed, she glanced at his _Captain Future_ comics and her expression changed.

He thought she would make a comment about the comics, but rather than that, she sat on his bed, keeping a distance between them. “Is that the reason you came to the past, Mikkel? Because of an apocalypse?”

Was she serious?

“There’s no apocalypse.” Not unless his stay in the 80s was the cause of it.

“Then why come to Winden of all places?”

Mikkel was starting to believe he shouldn’t have spoken to her in the hallway. But he knew part of him was grateful for her company, even if right now he was in a tight situation. He knew that once he left for the children’s home, he would be wishing to talk to her.

He shrugged, lying through his teeth. “I’ve never been to Winden.”

Mikkel thought this would’ve put an end to their conversation, or at the very least, to the topic they’d been engaging in. He hoped they would move onto something else, but Hannah didn’t drop it.

“So,” she said. “What do you say to the girl and her father? Do you take the offer?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know the girl and her father.”

She lowered her eyes. “But if you knew them, would you take it?”

“I guess.”

She perked up. “See? I knew you were smart.”

They stayed in silence for a little while before Hannah spoke up again. “Yesterday my papa and I were driving back to our house when we saw this guy.” She frowned. “He looked… strange.”

“Strange?”

She didn’t answer right away—Mikkel figured she was choosing her words carefully. “Well, not strange. It’s hard to describe it.” She glanced at him and focused on his face, like she was trying to see something that wasn’t there. “When I rolled my window and I got a glance at him, he reminded me of you.”

Mikkel’s heart pounded loudly. His voice shook and he asked slowly, “In what way?”

“Out of place,” she said, not seeming to notice the change in his voice. “Lost. Like he needed help. Like I’d seen him before.”

And although Mikkel knew that this stranger could literally have been anyone, it didn’t stop him from asking, “And then? What did he say?”

“He just said my name and turned down our offer. Like I said, weird.” Her frown disappeared and she smirked slightly. “But as weird as he was, at least he was smart. I suppose he won’t be too affected by the acid. I mean, he did have a yellow raincoat on. That has to count for something, no?”

At the mention of the yellow raincoat, his eyes widened, and his heartbeat sped up. Unable to believe what he’d just heard, Mikkel said, “A yellow raincoat?”

And although Mikkel had left the yellow raincoat in the caves, that didn’t stop him from thinking that the same person who had given it to him, might’ve been the same person who Hannah had seen last night.

“Yes,” she said slowly. “A yellow raincoat.”

“What did he look like?” he asked, trying not to sound crazy or desperate. If she described whoever this guy was, then there was still a chance that Mikkel wouldn’t go to the children’s home and that he could go back to his time, to his home, to his family.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. It was at night and it was raining a lot. He looked young though.” She frowned. “Why? Do you know him?”

It couldn’t be…? Could it?

As ridiculous as it was, given that this was just a yellow raincoat, for as long as Mikkel had lived, the only person he knew that had ever worn a yellow raincoat was Jonas. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that no one but Jonas seemed to own a yellow raincoat, even though it rained a lot in Winden.

It took a little bit for Mikkel’s voice to leave his mouth, but when he did, he said, “No. It’s just that not many people wear yellow raincoats in Winden.”

“I thought you said you were new in Winden.”

_Shoot._

He had to think of something to say and fast. But the longer it took for him to think of something to say, the longer things felt awkward. Hannah smirked like it pleased her to have caught him lying.

What was he going to do?

“So,” she began, “what can you tell me about the future?”

_Huh?_

“Nothing,” he replied.

“Why?” she demanded in an accusatory tone. She scowled at him almost as if she wanted to intimidate him into giving her a good explanation as to why he was denying her such a simple request.

“Because I can’t,” he replied truthfully. “If I do tell you anything, there is a huge possibility that I might change something in the future. I won’t know how big the change would be, but I can’t take that risk.”

She crossed her arms. “And what does that have to do with me, _Captain Future_?”

Mikkel almost wanted to pinch the bridge of his nose; that comic and this girl were going to be the end of him. “I don’t know what you would do with that information and how it could change everything. I might be in danger, or you might be in danger—heck, the world might even be in danger.”

But his answer didn’t satisfy her, because nothing in her had changed.

He sighed and asked, “Have you seen _Back to the Future_?” But the moment those words left his mouth, Mikkel wanted to slap himself. While he had seen the trilogy several times, he wasn’t sure when the first movie had come out. He only knew that it was a very popular movie from the 80s. He hoped he hadn’t made such a stupid mistake and messed up the timeline.

But Hannah’s reaction left him baffled. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected her reaction or answer to be, but it hadn’t been this. She rolled her eyes, her tone obviously upset. “ _Yes_ , I saw the _stupid_ movie, just like _everyone_ else. I don’t see what’s _so_ great about it. It was a big waste of _my time_ , and I didn’t like it _at all_. What does it have to do with anything we’re talking about?”

It was at that moment that Mikkel wished he could go back to a few days ago and stop himself from talking to her.

Seeing that _Back to the Future_ wasn’t getting them anywhere and seeing that it had the potential to destroy his life, Mikkel decided to drop the subject. “Never mind. I can’t tell you anything because if I do, then there’s a chance that you and I wouldn’t be talking right now.”

She uncrossed her arms and seemed to consider this. But looking more dejected than he’d hoped she would’ve been, she said, “Bummer.”

Mikkel sighed. He got closer and whispered, “I’ll tell you something that no one else knows.” He highly doubted that what he was about to say would have any impact in the future, or at least he hoped so. “I know you don’t like the movie but give the second one a chance. It’s so wrong that it’s actually quite funny to see.”

“What do you mean?”

He looked around the room before letting his eyes land back on hers. “The future doesn’t look like that at all.”

But she raised an eyebrow like she didn’t believe a single word that came out of his mouth. “Are you trying to make a fool out of me?”

He sighed. Why did he even bother? “You know how in the ending of the movie there’s a flying car?” She squinted her eyes but nodded slowly. Mikkel continued, “Well, we don’t have those yet.”

She smirked and shook her head. “So, nothing’s changed, huh?”

And just then someone knocked on the door. Mikkel and Hannah turned around to see Nurse Ines walk into the room with some more green gelatin. She briefly smiled at Hannah.

“Hello, Nurse Kahnwald,” Hannah said.

Nurse Ines's smile came back and she looked at Mikkel. Luckily for her, Hannah had her back to Mikkel.

“Hannah,” he mouthed to Nurse Ines.

She nodded and said, “Hello, Hannah. I saw your father looking for you.”

Hannah sighed but said nothing. She started walking towards the door, briefly looking at Nurse Ines and then back at Mikkel. She told him, “Thank you for sharing that bit of information. I hope you find your mother soon enough.” She half waved and walked away.

Once Hannah was out of sight, Nurse Ines got closer to Mikkel and gave him the gelatin. She chuckled, “Thank you for saving me back there.”

Mikkel shrugged and smiled, taking a bite out of the treat. “Anytime. It’s the least I could do.”

* * *

_November 12th 1986_

It had been a week since he came into the past, a week since he had left his old life, a week since he had to adjust to his new reality. 

And just as he was starting to get a hang of this, Mikkel realize he would have to start all over again. As much as it pained it him, the time had finally come for him to move on. The hospital would no longer be his home, and Nurse Ines would no longer greet him with a smile and kind words as she had done every day. Mikkel would no longer feel safe or taken cared of. He would no longer feel like himself. He would no longer be Mikkel Nielsen. 

Feeling like he was about to start crying, Mikkel looked at his book. 

_I am not afraid_ , Mikkel thought, desperately hoping that the more he repeated it to himself, the more it would sound true to him. _I am not afraid. I am not afraid. Nurse Ines said that everything will be okay. Everything will be alright. I'll be fine._

Today, he would start a new life again and there was nothing he could do about it. 


	7. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And while she tried to convince herself that everything that she was doing was for the boy’s sake and because it was the right thing to do, a part of her knew why she was really doing it.
> 
> And she didn’t know how to feel about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank rosabell14, ultima88, falafelfiction. Thank you for the comments and the kudos on the last chapter :) I really appreciate it! 
> 
> Today's chapter is from Ines's POV. 
> 
> With this chapter we are done with Season 1. I really thought November 5th was the going to be the only day that was going to be explored from different perspectives but I guess I was wrong. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> Hope you like the chapter! Enjoy the reading :)

_November 6th 1986_

There weren’t many things Ines was proud of, but if she had to choose something, it would have to be how good she was at her job.

Ines was known as one of the few nurses that was liked by coworkers and patients alike. Regardless of the situation or circumstance, she always knew what to do and what to say. Which is why she couldn’t understand why she felt completely lost when it came to the boy.

It wasn’t that it was hard for Ines to pay extra attention to her actions and her choice of words—no, that was the easy part. It was second nature to her by now to keep her voice and her touches gentle, just as it was to provide comfort when needed. She just wasn’t used to having a patient like him.

For starters, Ines had never been so desperate to get back to a patient, no matter how much she liked the person. She’d never try so hard to take care of someone, even though she knew it was her job. She’d never wanted to make a patient talk to her so much, even though she tended to avoid unnecessary chatter with people. And she’d never been so expectant to see a patient smile, even though she knew it was normal for people not to smile when in pain.

And while she tried to convince herself that everything that she was doing was for the boy’s sake and because it was the right thing to do, a part of her knew why she was really doing it.

And she didn’t know how to feel about that.

* * *

_November 7th 1986_

It had been ten minutes since Ines had gotten to work and she was still debating on what to do next. She glanced at the gift that was sticking out of her purse, her hands unsure of whether to take it out and present it to the boy or whether she should just push it further into her purse until it disappeared and became forgotten.

Would he like it? Would this encourage him to talk? Was this the right thing to do? Should she have gotten something else for him? Would this be easier to figure out if she still had Michael by her side?

Yesterday, after another unsuccessful day of attempting to get any information from the boy, Ines had left work wondering what she could do to make him feel safer and have more trust in her.

Although Ines had wanted to stay at the hospital and look after him, she had known that she too needed to rest. A part of her had been afraid—terrified even—of leaving him behind. What would happen if she went back to work and found out that something had happened to him in her absence? What if he tried escaping again? Sure, he had a broken leg, but what if that didn’t stop him? And while Ines had left knowing that there was no reason to be afraid, she had felt quite anxious.

The other part of her, which was much more powerful, had been sad. Despite of what she had wanted to tell herself, just the thought of going back home, right after seeing him, made her feel like she was reliving what had happened to her back in 1975. There had been nothing more heartbreaking and disappointing than having had to come back home from the hospital with empty arms.

Having been unable to bear the thought of going back to an empty house, Ines had decided to take a detour.

“Should I go to church, or should I go to the town center?” she had asked herself.

While she had originally thought of going to church, Ines had ended up deciding to go to the town center. As much as she enjoyed going to church, there was something about the new priest that made her feel uncomfortable.

Once having arrived, with no destination in mind, Ines had spent most of her time walking around, lost in her thoughts. Before she had known it, her feet had led her to a bookstore. Unable to contain herself, Ines had gone straight to the children’s section.

It had felt melancholic to go to that section and see all the books that had yet to be read. Having run her fingers through the books’ spines, Ines had remembered how she had gone to the exact same bookstore in 1975. She had been several months pregnant and excited for the books her baby would get to enjoy. She had bought so many books with her baby in mind that Ines had been sure that she had emptied most of the children’s section’s supply. Sadly, the books never got to be read for she never got to fulfill her wish. Till the day, they remained tucked away and hidden in boxes in the attic.

It hadn’t taken long for Ines to find a picture book that had called her attention. She had figured that with a title like _I Am Not Afraid_ the story would be about facing your fears and obstacles, regardless of what could happen.

Maybe that was what the boy needed. Maybe he just needed to know that there was no reason to be afraid, and that he could count on her.

* * *

Feeling both hopeful and anxious, Ines stood in front of him, presenting him the gift in yellow wrapping paper. “This is for you.”

But to her disappointment, the boy kept staring straight ahead like he hadn’t seen or heard her.

Maybe a gift hadn’t been the right choice after all.

Feeling a little dejected that she hadn’t gotten the response she’d hoped for and disappointed in herself for failing at such a simple thing, Ines sat next to him. She struggled to collect her thoughts and rethink her plan. With a small smile and her usual gentle tone, she asked, “Don’t you finally want to talk to me?”

But the only sound in the room came from the silence.

Ines continued anyway. “Is there maybe someone I should tell that you’re okay? Your parents, they… They must be worried. You don’t have to say what happened to you if you don’t want to, but… If you want, no matter what it is, you can tell me. It’s safe with me. I promise.”

* * *

After her unsuccessful chat with the boy, Ines couldn’t help but feel lost.

Shouldn’t mothers know what to do in these situations?

Ines smiled bitterly and scoffed at herself.

How would she know what to do if she hadn’t been given the chance to really become a mother before it all fell apart?

But that didn’t stop Ines from wondering if maybe all of this was a sign that Michael was better off without her. Maybe God knew that Ines had never been suited to be in the role of a mother.

Was her inability in making things better for the boy proof of that?

Ines fiddled with her crucifix pendant.

_The past is the past, and now is now._

Michael was in the past; she needed to remember that. Right now, she needed to focus on the boy. What mattered at this moment was him and not Ines’s insecurities. She had to get to the bottom of this. There had to be a reason as to why he wasn’t talking to anyone.

Ines frowned at the door of Room 25, feeling her doubts slowly starting to overwhelm her.

What if… what if she was the problem? Could it be that he knew that she couldn’t help but see Michael—or at the very least, the image she had of him—when she saw him?

She tightly gripped her pendant and tried praying.

Maybe she should’ve gone to church yesterday.

And that gave Ines an idea. Maybe all she needed was another approach. 

* * *

“Good morning,” Ines said to the priest in front of her. Regardless of how the man made her feel, Ines knew that this was about the boy. If it took a priest for him to talk, then Ines was willing to put aside her feelings. “Thank you for coming. I’m sure you were very busy, Father.”

He shook his head. “No, I’m glad you called. Please, call me Noah.” He briefly looked at the door before directing his attention back on Ines. “Please, tell me about the boy.”

Ines sighed and folded her hands in front of her. “It’s like I said over the phone—he won’t talk to anyone. I think he might be lost. But I know that he’s a kind and bright kid, I can just tell.”

He eyed her curiously. “And he really hasn’t said a word?”

Ines hesitated, not knowing whether to share what the boy had told her about being from the future. Since she didn’t know what to make of that, Ines decided it was best not to bring it up, even if Noah seemed to be waiting for her to say something. After all, she had told the boy that anything he shared with her would be kept a secret.

Ines directed her gaze towards the floor and shook her head. “I… I don’t know what to do or what to say to him. I don’t know what happened to him, and I don’t know how to help him. Nothing I’ve tried has worked. I don’t know if he believes in God or not, but I thought that maybe he would talk to you.” Ines looked at him and then at the door. “Please look at him and tell me if there’s anything I can do to help him.”

“I will.”

Ines smiled slightly at him before trying to recompose herself. “I’ll let him know he has a visitor. Thank you for coming.”

* * *

Ines almost regretted telling him that he had a visitor. Up until now, she hadn’t seen so much hope and life in his eyes. It crushed her to see how fast it left him when Noah went through the door.

Trying not to overthink the situation, Ines closed the door and walked away.

She could only hope that Noah would find a way to make the boy feel comfortable and get him to share anything about his past.

* * *

Just as Ines was making her way to check on the boy, she found Noah walking down the hallway.

“Father,” she said, trying to catch his attention. “It’s good to see you.”

The man stopped walking and nodded at her. “I was about to go and find you.”

Trying to stay calm, Ines asked, “How did things go? Is he doing better now?”

“It went well,” he said, not bothering to elaborate. He briefly opened his Bible, and then proceeded to stare at her. “I wanted to talk to you about something I noticed.”

“Is it about the boy?” Ines asked, her voiced laced with concern.

The man almost smiled. “No, it’s about you.”

She furrowed her brows. “Me?”

“I’m not sure the boy is the only one that needs someone to talk to,” he said slowly. “I could tell that something else is worrying you. Is it anything I can help you with?”

Was she _that_ transparent?

But something in the man’s stare made Ines want to talk and voice her worries. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had noticed her and had extended a helpful hand or had lent an ear.

Ines shrugged, not knowing what to say, unused to the spotlight. “I… I know this will sound crazy, because… well, because I know it’s impossible. But I…” She took a deep breath in and glanced at the priest. “Well, I don’t know if I will make any sense. It’s just, well, it’s just that when I look at him, at the boy, I can’t help but think about my son.” Feeling her eyes water, Ines shook her head and clasped her hands together. She felt a lump in her throat that she tried pushing down. “I know that God needed him and that that’s why he’s no longer here with me... But when I see the boy, I, well, the truth is I can’t help but think that God has given him back to me, even if it’s just for a little time.”

Her hands shook and Ines was about to put them inside her pockets when Noah grabbed them and placed them one on top of the other. “God has a plan for everyone. Including you. I’m sure that He sent this boy to you for a reason. I’m sure God knows that you will do the right thing when the time comes.”

Ines nodded, blinking back tears. Her voice shook, “I know it’s not fair to the boy, but I… I think he needs me. I think there must be a reason why we met, you know?”

Noah nodded. His tone was soft but powerful when he said, “I’m sure he appreciates what you’ve done for him; just give him a little time. I’m sure he’s just using his words with great care. He’s a miracle and he’s a gift. Don’t forget that.”

He let go of her hands, and Ines smiled slightly. She whispered, “Thank you.”

* * *

As much as Ines had dreaded this moment—having hoped that by now she would have known something about the boy—, she knew that maybe this was the best for him.

Right by her side was Selma Ahrens, the caseworker assigned to the boy. She’d arrived shortly after Noah left the hospital. The timing couldn’t be any better now that Ines’s mind kept going back to what Noah had told her.

There had to be a reason why they had crossed paths.

“Child Protective Services will assume custody for now,” Mrs. Ahrens said as she and Ines walked down the hallway. “So until we find his family and can assess the situation better, he’ll be put in a children’s home.”

“A children’s home?” Ines asked, as if to check that she had heard correctly. She was more than sure that confusion was written very clearly on her face.

The woman nodded.

“Can’t he stay here in the hospital for a while?” Ines asked, trying to convince the woman to change her mind. Surely the hospital was a better place for him to be at than a children’s home. Ines was more than sure that she could look after him better than anyone else could.

But the woman laughed briefly and shook her head at Ines for making such a suggestion. “No. Unfortunately that’s not possible.”

At the mention of those words, Ines’s expression crumbled. She tried to control her exasperation and disappointment. But the more the woman spoke, the more Ines realized that to her the boy was just another case, just another boy, just another part of her job. But to Ines, he was anything but just another patient.

As if reading her thoughts, the woman said, “But I can assure you that the people in the children’s home will be able to attend very specifically to his needs.”

Ines pressed her lips together and placed her hands inside her pockets, trying to avoid making fists or showing any signs of disagreement.

“It’s best for him,” the woman insisted. “Do you have children?” Her tone was one that Ines was more than sure was meant to prove a point, as if to say that Ines didn’t know what was best for the boy because she was not a mother.

And just like many other times before, Ines smiled and shook her head. “No.” From the corner of her eye, Ines saw how smug the woman looked. But Ines wasn’t done—she knew this was the time to say what she hadn’t told anyone before. “I had a son who died just after he was born.”

The woman turned to face Ines. With a tone that barely sounded like she regretted it, she said, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Trying not to let it get to her, Ines just stared at the woman.

The woman’s voice became slightly gentle. “I’m certain his family will be in touch sooner or later. Or his school. We’ll find out where he belongs.”

Ines looked down, debating whether to tell her what was on her mind.

“Well, then.” Mrs. Ahrens extended her hand to Ines and just as they were shaking hands, Ines got closer to her.

“He’s a peculiar boy,” Ines said, hoping that the woman would understand what she was trying to get at. “Really very sensitive.” Surely, this would make her realize that a children’s home wasn’t the best place for a boy like him.

But it appeared like the woman didn’t understand Ines’s message, because she told Ines, “Don’t worry. I’ll come get him on Wednesday.”

And so, the woman walked away, leaving Ines with no choice but to feel disappointed in herself for being unable to say what she needed and had wanted to say.

* * *

About twenty minutes had passed since Ines had left the boy sitting on a bench in the courtyard. 

After her conversation with Mrs. Ahrens, Ines had dreaded going back to the boy’s room. Luckily for her, once she saw him, she realized that he hadn’t seemed like he wanted to talk to anyone. As terrible as it was, she had been glad about that because that meant she still had time to figure out how she was going to break the news to him. Ines feared that no matter what she said, she was going to fail him once again and make him even sadder than before.

Hands in pockets, Ines took her time walking around the hospital. Although part of her wanted to go to the courtyard and spend time with the boy, Ines also wanted to put distance between them. She didn’t want him to sense her nervousness; she’d always heard that children were more perceptive about others’ moods than adults were.

Having been unable to come up with a plan, Ines sighed and was about to go outside when something caught her attention.

MISSING PERSON: MADS NIELSEN

Looking at the poster made Ines remember something from long ago.

Back when Ines was young and still friends with Claudia and Jana, she used to spend a lot of time at Jana’s home.

One day, having been bored out of her mind while waiting for Jana to come back with something to eat, Ines had looked around Jana’s room. Unknown to Jana, Ines had stumbled onto her diary—it wasn’t like Jana had done a good job at hiding it.

To consider Jana’s feelings and privacy, Ines had withheld from reading the newer entries and had gone straight to what she assumed to be the oldest ones. Truth be told, Ines hadn’t known what to expect—Jana could be so uptight and boring sometimes. Ines had figured that Jana probably used her diary to retell things that happened at school or her frustrations at messing up her stitching. But what Ines had found had been far more interesting than that.

The entry Ines had come across with was one regarding Tronte’s past. While it had been obvious to Ines that Jana had had a massive crush on Tronte, Ines hadn’t expected to read about Tronte and Jana spending an afternoon together, even more so when Claudia was Tronte’s girlfriend at the moment. But what had truly caught her attention was what Jana had written about Tronte’s secret past. As weird as Ines had always found Tronte, Ines had always been up for gossip and secrets.

From what Ines had gotten to read, Jana had promised Tronte never to tell anyone that he had been in a children’s home before coming to Winden. And what had been even more shocking—which Ines had felt like it explained a lot about Tronte—was that in the children’s home, Tronte had received a lot of cigar burns from others.

And just as the memory came quickly to Ines, the realization of what could happen to the lonely boy hit her hard. Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands.

Would he suffer the same?

…or what if it was worse?

And suddenly, Ines was more than sure that a children’s home was not the best place for him.

 _But where could he go if not to the home?_ Ines thought with a sigh. What was she going to tell him? What was she going to do?

There had to be something about him, other than… well, other than the thing he had said the other day.

As much as Ines wanted to get it out of her head she couldn’t. She knew there was no way he could come from the future; it was just that it worried her that maybe he thought he did. It had to be a way for him to come to terms with something that had happened.

_God, what am I supposed to do?_

_Please give me a sign._

* * *

And Ines did get her sign, just not how she expected it to be.

Later that night, after his confession about his parents and after she had made sure he ate, Ines glanced at the book.

“Do you want me to read it to you?” she asked in a hopeful tone. Although she knew that he was old enough to have read the book himself, she couldn’t help but think about what he had told her earlier.

If it was true that his parents didn’t know where he was or didn’t even realize that he was gone, then what were the chances that they had ever read him a bedtime story?

“Only if you want to,” she added quickly, noticing how conflicted he looked. She hoped it was because of his family and not because he thought she saw him as… well, as Michael. She kept her gaze on the book rather than him when she said, “When I was young and wasn’t feeling well, my mother would read to me sometimes. I didn’t know which book to get you, but when I saw it, I couldn’t help but think of you.” She chuckled and shook her head slightly. “I’m sorry if it seems childish, but, well, I really don’t know what kids your age like. My son, he… he never got to be your age. I’m sure that if he would’ve been here, he would’ve told me what to get you or what to talk about.”

“It’s okay Nurse Ines,” he told her, his eyes filled with sympathy. “I really appreciate it, I really do. And I’m not just saying that because it’s the right thing to say.” He smiled timidly. “I’m sure your son would’ve been glad about your decision. I really liked the art.” His voice got small and he wrung his hands. “Could you please read it to me?”

She nodded with a bright grin on her face.

Just as Ines opened the book, she realized that he had written something on it. But because he had his eyes on her, she decided that she could read it later, or perhaps even ask him about it.

* * *

Ines only got to read the first seven pages before noticing that he had fallen asleep. She put the book down and gently fixed the blanket.

Now that she had the chance, Ines opened the book to the first page.

And there was her sign, written in childish cursive handwriting.

_This book belongs to Mikkel._

Ines’s eyes widened and she turned to look at the sleeping boy, unable to stop the goosebumps on her arms.

Mikkel…

That sounds similar to…

“Michael,” she whispered astonished. “This is impossible.”

This had to mean something; she just knew it.

* * *

_November 8th – November 11th 1986_

As much as Ines knew she had to concentrate on her job, no matter what she was doing, her mind went back to Mikkel and Michael. It was like her mind couldn’t stop thinking about them and what everything meant.

It had to mean something.

Whatever was happening now, it had to be a sign from God. Why else would all these things be happening? Why would a boy of ten or eleven years old, with brown hair and blue eyes, whose name was Mikkel, come to her? And why would this happen when it was the beginning of November? And why had they crossed paths precisely a day after Michael’s birthday, which also happened to be the day he left her side? And why did Mikkel need to be a boy with brown hair and blue eyes? Why not brown eyes or red hair? And why, out of all the names, would his name be Mikkel, which didn’t sound that different to Michael? Why didn’t his parents show up? Why didn’t he talk about his past? How did he end up in Winden? What did he need Ines to do for him?

But as much as she wanted to know the truth and have the answers to all her questions, Ines didn’t ask him anything about it. Not only had she told him that he didn’t need to tell her about his past, but she figured that when he was ready, he would tell her.

But for now, Ines had no choice but to come up with her own conclusions.

* * *

_November 12th 1986_

Today was the day.

Today was the day he went to the children’s home.

As the days had passed, Ines found that she had grown even more fond of the boy. While Ines knew that maybe the home wasn’t the best place for him, she knew it wasn’t her place to decide what his future would be.

After their chat about Houdini and the book from a few days ago, Ines had asked him if there was anything she could get him that he would like. All Mikkel had said was, “Two plastic cups and something small, like a pawn.” While Ines hadn’t found a spare chess piece, she had found a lot of sugar cubes.

And here they were, Ines sitting in front of him, hands folded on the table, waiting for him to perform a magic trick.

As he fixed the cups, Mikkel said, “As a kid, all that Houdini dreamed of was becoming a magician.”

He picked up the cups and hid a sugar cube under one of the cups, right after demonstrating that he had nothing to hide. Making sure that he still had her attention, he proceeded to tap both cups. He then lifted the first cup to show that there was nothing underneath it anymore. Once he placed it down, he went to pick up the other one to show her that it now had the sugar cube.

Impressed, Ines smiled.

He kept his eyes on her as if waiting for her to say or do something.

“Do you have the same dream?” she asked him softly. Although she had gotten him to talk to her more often, he still didn’t say much about himself. One of the few things he did talk about was magic and how much he liked it.

He nodded. “Yes. But the magic I want to do is impossible.”

“Which is what?”

He sounded so dejected when he said, “I just want to finally wake up.”

Trying to lighten up the mood, Ines asked him, “Have you heard of Master Zhuang’s paradox?”

He shook his head.

Almost in a whisper, Ines said, “I dreamt I was a butterfly. Now I’ve woken up and no longer know if I’m a person who dreamed he’s a butterfly, or if I’m a butterfly who’s dreaming it’s a person. What are you? A person or a butterfly?”

He looked at his hands, like he was considering his answer before saying in a soft voice, “Maybe I’m both.” He lifted both cups and demonstrated how both had a sugar cube underneath them.

They both smiled.

* * *

This was it…

The time had come. Mikkel was going to leave the hospital and there was nothing Ines could do about it.

“He’ll be fine,” Mrs. Ahrens said. “Don’t worry.”

And there he was, sitting on the bed with his back to them, just like he’d been when he first arrived to the hospital. Next to him were the _Captain Future_ comics and a bag with some clothes.

Mrs. Ahrens told Ines, “You can always come and visit him.” She then turned her attention to Mikkel, who still hadn’t moved or acknowledged them. “I’m taking you to your new home. There are lots of other children there.”

Ines sighed and she looked at Mikkel.

What was going to happen to him?

But since he hadn’t answered, Mrs. Ahrens asked, “Can you hear me?”

Stopping the woman from saying or doing anything that might affect Mikkel even further, Ines walked forward and placed her hands on the woman’s shoulders, pushing her to go outside so they could talk. Ines said, “Come.”

Ines took one last glance at Mikkel before closing the door.

Ines kept her head down before speaking, trying to gather all the courage she needed. She looked at the woman dead in the eye. “You know, I’ve made my decision. I want to adopt him. And to take provisional custody of him during the adoption procedure…”

Mrs. Ahrens shook her head, her lips curling in disbelief. “I’m afraid it’s not so easy.”

But Ines was grinning, very convinced of her reasons and solutions. She was more than sure that she wanted this—she had waited for this for a long time. “I have references. I own a home. I…”

“It’s a very complicated process.”

But Ines answered her right away; she wasn’t going to let this pass, if not for the boy then for herself. “I know. It may seem somewhat rash. But it isn’t.”

Mrs. Ahrens’s tone was unyielding. “I can’t just decide here…”

Running out of things to say to convince the woman, Ines said desperately, “The boy likes me.” Her eyes watered and her voice was laced deep with emotion. “He trusts me. I’m the only person he lets close to him, and… And I… I like him, too.” She pursed her lips trying not to cry.

Mrs. Ahrens sighed. “If you really wanted to adopt the boy you could’ve said so days ago and saved us from all of this.”

“Does this mean…?” Ines asked, hoping that she had understood correctly.

The woman nodded. “The process will be long and complicated, but if the boy really only communicates with you then I guess this is the best for him.” She eyed Ines. “Just remember it’s not definite. But if things work out, then you and the boy will be like mother and son, a family.”

Ines covered her mouth and blinked back tears. “Thank you.”

* * *

When she came back to the room, he was just as she had left him.

Ines sat down next to him.

“Hello,” she said softly, hoping to get his attention. But when Ines saw his face, her heart broke a little; he looked near tears.

“Is it time to say goodbye?” he asked, his voice wavering.

Ines felt a lump in her throat, and she shook her head. “No, not unless you want to.”

The scared look on his face turned into one of confusion. “What… what do you mean?”

“I mean,” she said slowly, “that if you want, you can stay with me.”

He looked like he couldn’t believe what she was saying. “And what about the children’s home?”

“There’s still a lot to do and go through, but I… I want to adopt you.” Ines shrugged, an unsure smile on her face. “I don’t know… maybe there’s a bigger plan that I know nothing about, but I do know that if you want to, that if you let me, I can take care of you. I can give you a home.”

He seemed to want to say something but was unable to find the correct words.

Ines fidgeted with her hands. “Like I’ve said before, you don’t have to tell me what happened to you or to your family, but I want you to know that you do have someone who cares about you. If you let me, I know that I can help you.”

 _I can be like the mother you’ve never had_ , she thought.

He grabbed her hands. “I… I don’t want to go to the children’s home. I want to stay with you. Please, let me stay with you. I… I promise I won’t be much bother.”

Ines shook her head, unable to contain the laughter that was escaping her lips, unable to believe what she’d heard. “You will never be a bother. I’m just really glad that you’re here. I’m really glad to have met you.”

“I’m glad to have met you too.” He hesitated before saying, “I don’t know if Hannah told you, but my name is Mikkel.”

Ines placed a hand on his cheek. “No, but I got the feeling like your name was something similar to that.”

Mikkel raised his eyebrows. “How?”

“Well, Michael, which sounds a lot like Mikkel, means ‘Gift from God’.” Ines shrugged and smiled at him. “I don’t know about you, but I think you’re just that.”

She saw him smile timidly before hiding his face with his hands, his shoulders starting to shake.

Ines placed her arms around him. “It’s okay. Everything will be okay. After my turn is over, we can go home tonight. Is that alright with you?”

He nodded.

She was finally bringing her son home.

* * *

None of them spoke a word all throughout the car ride. There were far too many emotions, and Ines figured that words weren’t necessary. Just as Ines’s heart kept pounding and she kept fighting tears of happiness that threatened to fall, she knew that Mikkel had to be feeling the same.

The silence and the emotions were only interrupted once they were right in front of the house, hand in hand.

“We’re home,” Ines dared to say aloud, the lump in her throat making it hard for her to vocalize the words she had longed to say since that fateful day in 1975. It had taken her eleven years, but she finally took her son home. She wanted to believe that for Mikkel this was the first time he was having a real home.

Squeezing his hand and blinking back tears, Ines said, “We’re finally home. Welcome home.”

And that’s when Mikkel started sobbing.

Ines let go of his hand and crouched down to his level. She placed her hand on his cheek to wipe away his tears.

Very much like he was crying now, Ines had sobbed her heart out back in 1975 when she had come back to an empty home, heartbroken, and part of her soul still stuck in the hospital. Seeing him cry brought Ines a sense of momentary déjà vu before she shook it off and concentrated on him.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “Everything will be alright when morning comes.”

He cried harder, glancing between the house and her, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

He wrapped his arms around her, desperately shaking with each sob, and Ines returned the hug. It took everything in her power to not say, “Mama has you, Michael. Mama brought you home.” It took everything in her power not to imagine the boy in her arms as the baby that she had wanted to bring so for so long.

_The past is the past and now is now._

She carried him inside, feeling his sobs intensify and his grip on her tightening as he hid his head in her shoulder. Even though eleven years had passed and the boy in her arms was not the same boy she had wanted to bring home back then, Ines had finally gotten her wish.

And for the first time in many years, Ines felt happy. 


	8. Michael Kahnwald

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikkel Kahnwald sounded wrong. Not only did it sound wrong, but it sounded like betrayal. It was betrayal to himself, to his family, and to his time. But he knew that he couldn’t go around calling himself Mikkel Nielsen, even if that was who he was.
> 
> But when he thought about changing his name, the only solution he came up with was to change it to “Michael Kahnwald”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, I want to thank rosecolcred, rosabell14, and falafelfiction for your comments on last chapter, and ultima88 for the comment on chapter 6. I really appreciate the feedback ^_^
> 
> So I thought I was ready to leave 1986 and move to 1987, but this chapter proved me wrong. I think the next few chapters (one or two) will be from Mikkel's POV before it's given to someone else.  
> I think the main focus of this chapter was on how "Michael" became Mikkel's name. I don't remember the show ever explaining that so I figured I might explore that while I'm at it. Please let me know what you think :)
> 
> Hope you like the chapter! Enjoy the reading :)

_November 13th 1986_

Lying on his side with his eyes still closed, Mikkel felt a hand on his right shoulder. Rather than make him feel scared or uncomfortable, Mikkel found he had no problem with a stranger’s hand on him, but only because it didn’t feel like a stranger at all.

Mikkel slowly opened his eyes, letting them get accustomed to the lighting in the room, completely ignoring the fact that he was in a room he had never seen before. Mikkel turned around and saw Jonas with his yellow raincoat on. He did nothing other than simply give Mikkel a small smile.

But before Mikkel could comprehend what was happening or even get to ask Jonas anything, Mikkel woke up startled and gasping for air. He desperately looked to his side to check if Jonas was there. Feeling sick that his hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat, Mikkel pushed it back, trying to calm down.

It took him a minute to realize that he wasn’t at the hospital room anymore. And while the thought of that had momentarily made him happy, Mikkel couldn’t understand why his room looked so different than from what he remembered it to be.

Mikkel felt himself grow cold as he realized that this wasn’t his room.

It wasn’t his parents’ room, it wasn’t Magnus’s room, nor was this Martha’s room.

Where was he?

And then he remembered.

He was at the Kahnwald home.

And very much like he had back at the caves, and not caring if it was stupid to do so, Mikkel whispered, “Jonas?”

But much like that time, Mikkel got no response. What had he been expecting? For Jonas to be here in his home with Nurse Ines?

Mikkel frowned, suddenly feeling both unbelievably stupid and extremely puzzled. Why hadn’t he connected Nurse Ines to the Kahnwald family?

While she hadn’t told him her last name, he remembered hearing Hannah calling her “Nurse Kahnwald”. Did this mean that Nurse Ines was related to Jonas? And if so, if she wanted to adopt him, and should Mikkel not find a way back home, what would he become to Jonas?

Now that he thought about it, if Jonas was the boy Hannah had seen that night, and if he had been doing the same thing as Mikkel, what were the chances that he had tried to go back home and found someone else living in it? Where would have he gone after that? And if Jonas was still around, and he was still trying to find Mikkel, would Jonas even think about the Kahnwald home being a possible place for Mikkel to be at? Did this mean that Mikkel had to stay here and wait for him? Or should Mikkel go back to the caves and wait for Jonas? What if Jonas was there, waiting for Mikkel to come back?

Not wanting to give himself a headache, Mikkel let his head fall back on the pillow. He wondered for how long he could stay in bed before he needed to move on with his life. But for him to move on with his life he had to go back to the caves; Mikkel could only get so far with his crutches before he became tired. Maybe he should start with baby steps and work his way there.

But did he really want to leave right now? Part of him feared what or who he would see once he left the room. What if last night had been a dream? What if he wasn’t at the Kahnwald home? What if he left and came across some stranger? What if he time travelled again and hadn’t known about it?

What was he going to do?

* * *

Mikkel didn’t know for how long he laid in bed, staring at nothing in particular, letting his thoughts run wild, when he heard the softest of knocks.

It was Nurse Ines.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” she greeted him with a warm smile. She walked towards the curtains and opened them to let in more light. “You finally woke up.”

Mikkel mumbled, “Good morning, Nurse Ines.”

Her grin fell a little. “How did you sleep?”

Since there was no use in telling her about his dilemma and hoping that the sweat he’d woken up with wasn’t visible anymore, Mikkel said, “Really good. Thank you.”

She chuckled but eyed him curiously. “You must’ve been really tired since I don’t think that bed is very comfortable. I promise that you will get a better bed once we go shopping this weekend.” She looked around the room and made a face. “And I promise your room will be much more pleasant. I think we can make it look like anything you want it to be. It’ll be fun.”

“It’s okay, really,” Mikkel insisted. Now that he was fully awake and aware of his surroundings rather than his thoughts, Mikkel could tell that the bed wasn’t that comfortable and that there was a lot of dust in the room. But honestly, he really didn’t mind; that was the least of his concerns. This was better than the caves or the hospital or a children’s home. Hoping that he could convey his appreciation, Mikkel said, “I’m fine with the way it is, really. Thank you for giving me a room and a place to stay. I wouldn’t ask for more.” He was already living off Nurse Ines’s hospitality, he didn’t want to start asking her for things when he knew that he would eventually leave her behind. Mikkel knew it wouldn’t be fair to her.

Nurse Ines shook her head and crouched to his level. She placed a warm hand on his cheek. “Please don’t feel like you can’t ask me for anything; this is your home now. I would love to give you the things you need and the things you want. And if I can’t, then I will try to. I know you’re trying not to make things difficult for me, but please remember that we’re family now.”

Feeling a lump forming in his throat, Mikkel directed his gaze towards the window. Here she was willing to give him so much and already seeing him as family while Mikkel wanted nothing more than to leave and return to his family. He didn’t want to think about the day he would leave her. Would she believe him when he said where—when—he was going? Would he even tell her that he was leaving? Would she stop him? Would she understand? Would he feel too guilty to do it by then?

“I know it takes time,” she said, snapping him out of his thoughts, “but I hope that eventually you will feel at ease and see this as your home.”

He didn’t have the heart to look her in the eyes. He feared that she might notice that he had already decided that this would never be his home. His home was with his family in 2019, not with her in 1986.

She hesitated before saying, “And if you want, just like I told you before you came to the hospital, you can call me Ines.”

He nodded before furrowing his eyebrows. “What day is today?”

“Thursday,” she replied, as though she knew why he was asking. “Yesterday at work I said I wasn’t going in today. I wanted to make sure to be here for you when you woke up. You know, make you breakfast, show you around the house, discuss some things with you.”

He was about to say something when his stomach made a noise and Mikkel’s ears felt warm. “Sorry.”

Ines chuckled. “Well, someone’s hungry. Come, let’s have some breakfast. You’re not allergic to any food, are you?”

* * *

Despite how hungry he was, Mikkel found it hard to eat the delicious food Ines had prepared for him. He couldn’t eat in peace knowing that, not far from the dining table, was the same bathroom that had left him creeped out last time he had been here. Part of him felt tempted to check over his shoulder every so often just to make sure that Jonas’s father wasn’t staring at him.

Ines, who was sitting across from him, took notice of his lack of appetite. “What’s wrong? Don’t you like it, Michael?” Mikkel only had to slightly lift his eyes from his food to catch the look of regret plastered on her face. She searched for his hand. “I’m sorry, I meant to say Mikkel.”

“It’s okay, Ines,” he reassured her with a timid smile. Forcing himself to pick up the fork and start eating again, he said, “The food is really good. It’s just… I think I got used to the hospital food.” He mentally groaned. That was the dumbest thing he could’ve said. No one, absolutely no one, liked hospital food; he might as well have told her the truth.

She squeezed his hand. “Only eat as much as you want. Or if you want, you don’t have to eat it at all. It’s fine. I can make you something else. After this, I want to show you around the house.”

Not particularly interested in exploring the house, Mikkel suggested nervously, “Why don’t we talk about the things you wanted to discuss?” He let go of her hands and hid them from her, trying to keep himself from picking at them. “I think I need the food to go down.”

Ines raised her eyebrows and shrugged. “If that’s what you want.” She cleared her throat. “Like I said earlier, this weekend we’ll go shopping. If you want, you can make a list. I can get you anything you want.”

 _What I want is to go back to the future_ , he thought miserably. “I’ll think about it. Thank you, Ines.”

No one spoke for what felt like a minute or two. Mikkel kept his eyes on Ines, waiting for her to say something else. He didn’t fail to notice that she seemed nervous about something. Maybe she had realized that she didn’t want him around after all. Maybe she thought he was crazy. Maybe she was thinking about what he had said that first day at the hospital. Or maybe she was going to tell him about Jonas.

Trying not to jump to conclusions, Mikkel took a breath in before asking, “What’s wrong?”

“I know it’s still very early in the process,” she started, keeping her tone soft even though her face looked conflicted, “but I wanted to know how you felt about changing your name.”

“Changing my name?” he stammered.

She nodded slowly. “I think… well, I think it might be good for you. Many times, when people experience drastic changes in their life, choosing a new name might help with getting used to things or to move on. It’s a way to let go of the past and live in the now, you know? And I think that it might do you good to do so.”

Maybe he should’ve let her give him a tour around the house; that would’ve been easier than this.

What should he do? He didn’t want to let go of the past or the future. If he wasn’t Mikkel Nielsen or just Mikkel, who was he supposed to be?

Since he had been silent for a while, he figured that Ines thought he was upset at the idea because she quickly stated, “But only if you want to. You can be Mikkel Kahnwald if you want. I just think that a change of name is a good way to start anew.”

Mikkel made a face. Mikkel Kahnwald sounded so… _wrong_. “Do I have to decide now?”

Ines shook her head. “We still have time. You can keep your name; it’s up to you, really.” With a hopeful tone, she said, “But if you want to change your name, I think 'Michael' sounds just as great.” She smiled gently. “Doesn’t 'Michael Kahnwald' sound nice?”

“Michael,” he repeated, the name sounding foreign to his ears even though he knew it sounded close to Mikkel. He glanced at Ines; hadn’t she called him that earlier? Now that Mikkel thought about it, she had mentioned the name yesterday when he had revealed his name to her. “Why 'Michael'?”

“Well,” she began slowly, folding her hands together, “it’s not that different from Mikkel. It’s more common too.” And although her eyes were on him, Mikkel could tell that she was no longer really looking at him. It was as if her mind was somewhere else. With a slight tremor to her voice, Ines confessed with a watery smile, “The name Michael means… well, it means a lot to me. It’s… it’s a family name.”

Mikkel stayed quiet for a few seconds. “What about Jonas? Is it a family name?”

Clearly Mikkel had said something she hadn’t expected because Ines’s face went from being tender to being completely puzzled. “No. As far as I’m aware, no one in my family is named Jonas. Why? Is that the name you want?”

Mikkel paled and shook his head rapidly; one Jonas Kahnwald was enough. “It’s… it’s just a name that came to me.” Trying to get her to stop looking at him all funny or ask him more questions regarding the name, he laughed weakly. “I don’t think I look like a Jonas anyway.”

Ines chuckled quietly. “No, you definitely don’t look like a Jonas… though if I’m honest with you, I don’t think I’ve ever met one in my life. But please let me know what you think about what I just told you. I still have to do a lot of paperwork and errands, but your name is important for many things, like school for example.”

Shoot.

He hadn’t thought about that at all.

There was no way he could go back to school now. Although Mikkel had never been the biggest fan of going to school, he had never really had a problem with it. Sure, he argued with his mother in the mornings and he hated doing homework, but then again, who didn’t? But now he had a valid reason for not going. How on earth was he supposed to live and learn when he knew that he would bump into the younger versions of his parents?

“Can’t I just stay here instead?” he begged, knowing that going to school and interacting with people would bring nothing but disaster. The less he saw people the better. Besides, if he stayed at the house, he might be able to leave and explore the caves. “Please, Ines, I promise I’ll do my work. I’m pretty good at learning, and I won’t get bad grades.”

She placed her warm hand on his cheek. “I know that school can sometimes be boring and that being new can be scary, but it’s not bad. Before you know it, you’ll have many friends, you’ll learn a lot, you’ll have a good time, and by the time you’re my age, you’ll be wishing you could go back to school instead of working.”

He sighed grumpily. “Okay.”

“Well, that was that. How about I show you the house?”

* * *

_December 5th 1986_

A month had passed since he had arrived to 1986, and three weeks had passed since he began living in the Kahnwald home.

Having thought that things would be better with time, Mikkel had no choice but to be sorely disappointed. He was just as clueless and stuck as he’d been a month ago.

He had yet to figure out how and when he was going to go back to the caves. He had yet to figure out how to navigate around the Kahnwald home without thinking scary thoughts. And he had yet to figure out what he was going to do with the whole name thing.

But out of those three things, what upset him the most was the issue of his name. Even though Ines had told him that he could keep his name, Mikkel found that he didn’t know how to feel about becoming “Mikkel Kahnwald”.

Mikkel Kahnwald sounded wrong. Not only did it sound wrong, but it sounded like betrayal. It was betrayal to himself, to his family, and to his time. But he knew that he couldn’t go around calling himself Mikkel Nielsen, even if that was who he was.

But when he thought about changing his name, the only solution he came up with was to change it to “Michael Kahnwald”.

He knew that Ines would be very happy about it should he decided to call himself “Michael”. While she hadn’t mentioned outright how much she preferred that name over “Mikkel”, she had dropped hints here and there that Mikkel had pretended to not notice or had simply smiled over.

Part of him wondered why the name meant so much to her. Although she’d said that it was a family name, Mikkel couldn’t remember ever having heard Ines mention any other family besides her son. A small voice in the back of his head told him that maybe “Michael” had been her deceased son’s name. Even if he wanted to know the truth, Mikkel couldn’t bring himself to ask her. Not only might she get hurt by his assumption, but was Mikkel even suppose to ask such a thing? She was already doing so much for him. And while Mikkel tried to be grateful, it still bothered him. If “Michael” had been her son’s name, Mikkel honestly wouldn’t know how to feel about that.

Trying to not think about that, Mikkel reasoned that should he be in the past longer than he wanted to, wasn’t it better to be under a false name anyway? If Michael really was a family name, then everything should be fine. Mikkel would just be remembered—if he was remembered at all once he left—as that weird cousin that no one liked or knew about. He just hoped that he didn’t have to interact with any family members during his time here.

But what if there came an occasion when he did have to interact with them, what would he do? And if he really was in the past, and if he hadn’t altered the future or had gone to another dimension, then what were the chances that he would come across Jonas’s parents? Would he even be able to recognize them should he see them? It wasn’t like he had seen them much to remember what they looked like.

While Mikkel could vaguely recall what Jonas’s father had looked like, he found that he couldn’t quite remember what Jonas’s mother looked like even though he should. He was pretty sure she always went to his parents’ parties. But in Mikkel’s defense, it was hard trying to keep track of all of his parents’ friends, their appearances, and their names.

Maybe he could try to remember their names instead. But no matter how hard he tried, Mikkel couldn’t think of any names for Jonas’s parents. And he knew that he should’ve at least remembered one of them after what happened during the summer.

Although no one had spoken about it in front of him, Mikkel knew what had happened. It had been the only thing people had spoken about for weeks.

Everyone knew that Jonas’s father had taken his life.

And while Mikkel had only had one weird encounter with the man—given that Mikkel had heard many people say the man was a total recluse and a complete weirdo—,Mikkel figured he couldn’t have been that bad if the man had such a cool and likeable son like Jonas. And even though Mikkel had never dealt with the death of a loved one, he knew that it must’ve hurt Jonas a lot. If it were Mikkel and his father did that, he didn’t think he would be the same.

So now came a big question.

In the case that Mikkel met Jonas’s parents, should he even try to warn them about their future? Should he try to tell the man not to do it? Surely, telling them wouldn’t affect Mikkel or anyone’s life, right? But should he? And would they even believe him? What if by doing that he would help save the life of a man he knew nothing about but ended up destroyed the life of a friend? And should Mikkel even bother thinking about this when he wasn’t even sure of what was going to happen to him?

* * *

_December 12th 1986_

Even though Mikkel knew he should be happy that today was the day he was finally getting his cast off, he couldn’t help but feel the opposite. He really wasn’t looking forward to the hospital, its bright lights, or its smell.

In a weird way, going back to the hospital was like going back home, except this wasn’t a home he’d ever want to visit again. Instead of using his attention on that, all throughout the ride and the doctor’s appointment, Mikkel thought about his family, the caves, and the journey he would have to make.

* * *

With no cast in sight, Mikkel wandered around the hallway, debating whether he should grab a candy bar or if he should wait for Ines outside. But before he could make up his mind, something else caught his attention.

It was the picture from a month ago, the one that reminded him of the door by the caves’ tunnel.

He didn’t know how long he was there staring at the picture, trying to figure out what it all meant, when he felt someone tap him on the shoulder.

Thinking it was Ines, Mikkel turned around with a small smile. But his expression became puzzled when he saw someone else.

It was Hannah. 

Mikkel would’ve greeted her in a polite manner if it hadn’t been for the upset look on her face.

What did he do now?

“I don’t know where you vanished to, but it’s about time you reappeared again,” she said, her eyes flashing.

“Huh?”

“Spill your secrets,” she demanded, towering over him, standing a little bit on her tiptoes as if she was trying to make herself even taller. It might’ve been comical if she didn’t look like she was ready to end his life.

Secrets?

The only secrets he had were about the future, and he had already told her than he couldn’t reveal much. And a part of him was sure that she hadn’t really believed him. So, what on earth was she talking about? Unless…

What if she really had believed him? What if she wanted to know how to time travel? What if she had told someone about him being from the future? What if word spread around and suddenly everyone started time travelling? What if the government or something found out and kidnapped him and did experiments on him? What if he had messed things without meaning to?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mikkel stammered. His heart was pounding rapidly, and he felt his hands getting sweaty. Searching for a way to leave the situation, he said, “Um, I think I heard someone call my name. Bye.”

But Hannah didn’t move, and her scowl didn’t change. She crossed her arms and glared at him. “You’re just going to walk away and leave me behind? I haven’t seen you in more than a month and you can’t bother to act like you’re happy to see me?”

It was Mikkel’s turn to glare at her. “Well, how do you expect me to be happy to see you when you come to threaten me?”

Hannah raised her eyebrows and gaped at him. “Threaten? I didn’t threaten you.”

Mikkel rolled his eyes. “No, you just show up with a face like you’re about to punch me if I don’t spill my secrets. I don’t even have secrets.”

Hannah narrowed her eyes and put her hands in her pockets. “I’m not stupid you know. You have secrets; you said so yourself.”

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t say you were stupid. And I never said I had secrets.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Hannah said with a smirk.

Mikkel’s face went pale and he looked around the hallway, hoping that Ines would show up at any moment and take him away from Hannah.

“You said that magicians never reveal their secrets. You obviously meant to their audience. Well, I’m no longer an audience member.”

“What?” he asked dumbfounded even if he felt a wave of relief wash over him. “All of this was about magic?”

Hannah frowned. “What did you think I was talking about?”

“Honestly, I have no idea,” he lied. “Why are you so interested in magic anyway?”

“If you show me how you do it, then I might tell you.” Hannah leaned against the wall with a smirk. But Mikkel wasn’t in the mood to play this game, especially not after how much she had scared him.

“Whatever,” he mumbled as he was about to leave.

Hannah sighed. “I thought I had done magic some time ago, but I must’ve done something wrong because it didn’t work. I figured that if I found you, I could figure out how to do it right. But I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

Although he had initially wondered what kind of magic trick she was referring to, Mikkel found himself surprised at her words. “You were looking for me?”

“Didn’t you hear what I just said?” she snapped before realizing that snapping at him wasn’t going to make her case any better. She stared at her shoes. “Besides, it’s not like there are many options of people to talk to here at the hospital. I’m serious about this whole magic thing. I think it can really help me.”

“You do remember that I said that magic isn’t real, right?” Mikkel asked slowly. “It’s just an illusion.”

Hannah turned her attention from her shoes to him. “Well, you made it seem like it was real.” She pursed her lips together. “You know, for a second I thought you had done another magic trick and disappeared. No matter who I had asked, no one here knew who I was talking about.” She frowned slightly. “It was like you hadn’t even existed. Because of you I bet some people think I’m crazy now.”

“I don’t think they think that about you,” Mikkel said, unable to stop himself from chuckling. “Okay, maybe just a little.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” she mocked. 

“You didn’t ask Ines to tell you about me?”

“Ines? Ines Kahnwald? Nurse Kahnwald?”

He nodded. “I’m sure that if you had asked her, she would’ve told you. She’s really nice.”

Hannah crossed her arms and scoffed. “Yeah right. Anyway, next time you leave, it would be nice to remember to at least say goodbye, you know?” She unfolded her arms and got closer to him. “As I was saying before, I’m rethinking of going back to the whole magic business thing, and you’re the only person I know who knows how to do magic tricks. I need you to help me.”

As much as Mikkel loved magic tricks and showing them, he never told people when or how they were done. Unable to help himself, he challenged her, “And what do I get from helping you?”

She stared blankly at him as though she hadn’t even considered that. “We can go over that later.” She extended her hand towards him. “Do we have a deal?”

But before Mikkel could say anything, a voice approaching them exclaimed, “Michael, there you are!”

Hannah and Mikkel turned around and saw Ines walking their way, her coat already on and ready to leave the hospital.

Hannah frowned and looked at him. “Wasn’t your name Mikkel?”

He barely got to open his mouth to answer her when Ines appeared next to him and said, “Michael, let’s go.”

“Hello, Nurse Kahnwald,” Hannah said with a sour tone.

Ines directed her attention from Mikkel to Hannah. “Hello. Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

Hannah scowled and Mikkel saw her put her hands in her pockets. As if to get back at Ines for interrupting their conversation, Hannah ignored her and turned to Mikkel. “So, do we have a deal, Mikkel, boy from the future?”

But Mikkel didn’t get to answer because Ines declared, “His name’s Michael. Michael Kahnwald.”

“Michael Kahnwald,” Hannah repeated slowly as if to test the way it sounded. She narrowed her eyes, shifting her gaze from him to Ines. Almost in an accusatory manner, she asked, “You’re family?”

Mikkel didn’t know how to explain the situation since he couldn’t even explain it to himself.

Ines saved him from having to come up with an explanation. “Yes. He's my son.”

Hannah raised her eyebrows like she didn’t believe her at all. “But Mikkel said—”

“Michael wants to put the past behind him.”

Hannah looked at him as though she were waiting for his input in the conversation, but he didn’t know what to do or say. Mikkel just kept looking at Hannah and Ines, feeling terribly tense and uncomfortable.

“It was nice talking to you,” Ines said. She smiled at Mikkel. “Come, we need to go buy your things for school.”

“School?” Hannah asked before Ines and Mikkel could walk away.

“Yes,” Ines confirmed with a smile. “Michael will start school next month. I don’t think you’ll share any classes though.”

Mikkel figured that Hannah was set on ignoring Ines because he noticed how Hannah kept her eyes on him. “How old are you?”

“Eleven,” he managed to replied before Ines could say anything. While he hadn’t told her his age, once the topic of school had popped up, he had mentioned that he was supposed to be in the sixth grade.

But Ines joined the conversation again with a gentle tone. “See? Like I said, I don’t think you’ll be sharing any classes together.”

Hannah nodded slowly and began to pull away from them. “No, we won’t share any classes together. I’m older than him.”

“How old are you?” Mikkel asked before Hannah left.

“Fourteen.” She looked at her watch. “Well, see you around. Think about what I said earlier.” And with a wave, she walked away.

Ines sighed exasperatedly. She took a deep breath in before glancing at her pocket watch. “Before we go shopping for school supplies, there’s a place I need to go to. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Mikkel lied. It wasn’t like he could tell her where to go or what to do. “Where are we going?”

Ines smiled. “To visit an old friend.”

* * *

Mikkel swore he had never seen so many clocks in his life. There were clocks of every shape, size, and color, all of them ticking at the exact same time.

“I used to come here all the time as a kid,” Ines had said right before entering the store. “Mr. Tannhaus is the best clockmaker you’ll ever meet.” Mikkel couldn’t remember ever having met anyone with the last name Tannhaus.

Inside the store was an old man that reminded Mikkel of a scientist. He supposed that was Mr. Tannhaus.

“Good afternoon,” the old man said, stopping whatever he was doing. He stood up and upon recognizing Ines, he remarked, “Ines Kahnwald, I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Ines said with a warm smile. She placed a hand on Mikkel’s shoulder. “This is my son. His name is Michael.”

Mr. Tannhaus chuckled and shook his head. “I remember when you were his age and came here to gossip. Children grow up so fast.”

Ines laughed. “They make us feel old, don’t they?”

“What can I help you with?” 

“I came because my pocket watch doesn’t seem to be working.”

Mr. Tannhaus gestured for her to show it to him. “Is it the one your father always asked to be fixed?”

Ines smiled but shook her head lightly. “No, my mother gave it to me as a graduation gift long ago. But I remember how well you fixed Papa’s watch, and since you are the best clockmaker in town...”

“I don’t know about that,” he said in a humble manner.

The store’s bell rang and all three of them looked towards that direction. In came a girl slightly older than Mikkel. He figured she was probably around Martha’s age. But unlike Martha, the older girl had blonde hair. She carried what Mikkel assumed to be a notebook.

“Good afternoon,” she greeted in a soft voice.

Mr. Tannhaus motioned her to come over. “This is my granddaughter Charlotte.”

“Nice to meet you,” Ines said with a smile. “This is my son. You might see him at school next month.”

Mikkel extended his hand, mostly out of common curtesy rather than because he wanted to. Not to his surprise, Charlotte shook his hand and gave him a small smile. “Mikkel Niel—,” he said before realizing he had slipped up. “I mean, Michael Kahnwald. Nice to meet you.”

“Charlotte Tannhaus, nice to meet you.”

While Ines and Tannhaus spoke, Mikkel stayed silent, hoping that Charlotte wouldn’t engage in conversation. Luckily for him, she didn’t.

“Well,” Ines said, “thank you, Mr. Tannhaus. We shall see each other soon.”

“Drive safe,” he replied before going back to fixing a watch.

Ines and Mikkel waved and left the shop.

Holding hands, Ines and Mikkel made their way back to the car.

“See?” Ines started. “Now you know one person at school.”

Mikkel frowned; he wasn’t going to tell her that he knew more than that. “Don’t you mean two?”

Ines sighed. “Well, I think Charlotte seems more like the person to go to, even if Tannhaus is her grandfather. And Hannah is…” She smiled forcibly, not bothering to finish her sentence. “I’m sure you’ll find friends your age, you’ll see. I just know it.”


	9. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmares always circled back to the same three things.
> 
> The caves, his family, and his current reality.
> 
> He considered himself lucky if he managed to sleep through at least three hours before waking up scared out of his wits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, I want to thank falafelfiction and Tricia_Guima for the comments on last chapter :) I also want to thank tayftswift and Raiya27516 for your kudos . I really appreciate it :)
> 
> This week's chapter is once again from Mikkel's POV. After I wrote it, I wondered if I should've written this from Ines's POV instead. Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> I do want to give credit to bellerose33 for this one. I hadn't really thought about a possible friendship between Regina and Mikkel until I read "The Boy From The Future". The way they meet in this chapter is inspired by it. If you haven't read it and want a fic that centers on Mikkel's life, you should check it out. 
> 
> On another note, I might be a little late in posting the new chapter next week because I have a busy week ahead. But do know that it won't be too long of a wait. Next week's chapter deals with S2 (finally, right?) and it'll be a roller coaster of emotions. 
> 
> Hope you like the chapter! Enjoy the reading :)

_January 5th – January 9th 1987_

All throughout the first week of school, Mikkel begged Ines to let him stay at the house. He desperately confessed to her how he couldn’t go to sleep knowing that he would have to be around strangers. And when that didn’t dissuade her, Mikkel became desperate enough to go on ridiculous hunger strikes just like Martha had done, even if they were for entirely different reasons. At times, he even pretended like he couldn’t find his materials and spent minutes looking around the house for them, just like Magnus had done for his stupid hoodie.

But none of those things worked, because no matter what he said or did, Ines would only look at him with concern and reassure him that everything was going to be alright.

Running out of ideas, Mikkel decided to be honest with her. He gathered all the courage he had and said, “If I go to school, then everything in the future will be worse.”

Ines looked at him with sad eyes. She crouched down and placed her warm hands on his cheeks. “Michael, you know that’s not true. Going to school will give you a better future. You’re lucky to be able to go to school.”

Her words reminded Mikkel of his mother and his sister.

“I know it seems scary, but nothing can hurt you now. The things from the past can’t harm you anymore. The past is the past and now is now.”

Mikkel shook his head and his voice quavered. “Please, let me stay here. It’s better for everyone, I swear.” He then closed his eyes to stop the tears that were beginning to form.

“Open your eyes Michael,” Ines whispered. “I need you to look at me.”

Unable to go against her, he did as he was told. Her brown eyes were kind, and her lips were curled in a small smile.

“Everything will be okay,” she said. “If there’s anything you need, you know you can tell me. If you want, I can even talk to your teachers and let them know how you feel.” She pushed back some of his stray hairs. “I know the first week back to school isn’t always the best, but it will get better. I promise that once you get used to it, it’ll be very fun. And I know you’ll do great. People will see that you’re kind, thoughtful, and smart. Everyone wants a friend like you.”

Mikkel’s shoulders slumped; he didn’t have the energy to argue with her.

“We need to go, or you’ll be late.”

“Wait,” he said moments before they left. Mikkel grabbed his Rubik's cube from the table. Out of all the things Ines had insisted on getting him for Christmas, the Rubik's cube was the only thing he had asked for. Mikkel smiled weakly. “Can I take it to school?”

She sighed. “I suppose you could take it. I know it’s quite popular. Maybe other kids will see how smart you are since you’re really good at it. But please remember to pay attention in class.”

He nodded. “Thank you, Ines.”

* * *

If Mikkel had thought that school sucked before, then he really must’ve been naïve, because nothing could be worse than what he now had to experience.

Despite how much Mikkel liked attention—something that his sister never stopped reminding him—, the attention he received at school wasn’t the type he liked at all.

Mikkel had realistically known that at first, he wouldn’t go unnoticed. Admittedly, he had hoped that people wouldn’t notice him and would subsequently ignore him. But a new kid was always a novelty, even more so in a place like Winden where few people went to and no one ever left.

“Is it true that you’re adopted?” a few classmates would ask, their eyes always conveying how desperate they were to know.

Mikkel would only nod, always choosing to ignore the varying looks and reactions on his classmates’ faces.

“Did your mama not want you anymore?” some would dare to mock. “Or were you waiting in the trash for someone to adopt you?

In any other time, Mikkel would’ve opened his mouth and given his classmates a piece of his mind. But he couldn’t do that anymore. In the here and now, he had no choice but to stay quiet and let people say whatever they wanted to say about him. He had to pretend like he hadn’t heard them, that it hadn’t bothered him even when it did. He didn’t want to have to think about whether or not his parents had ever wanted him, if they were still looking for him, or if they had moved on with their lives. Mikkel really hoped that that wasn’t the case.

But between the comments and the stares, Mikkel realized that he preferred the comments over the stares.

The stares were unbearable. Mikkel could feel them on him all the time. He felt them in class and in the hallways. He felt them on his way to school and on his way back to the Kahnwald home. He felt them when he was looking at people and when he wasn’t looking at anyone.

It was hard having to pretend like the eyes of strangers on him didn’t make him nervous. It was even harder to pretend like he didn’t know what they were thinking. He knew better than anyone else that he wasn’t meant to be here and that he was wrong.

But what could he do but pretend like this was a strange dream he was having a hard time waking up from?

And that became his reality, to just pretend, even if it pained him to do so.

* * *

_January 22nd 1987_

Contrary to what Ines had said, Mikkel didn’t make any friends. And if he was honest, he very much preferred it that way. He knew he needed to use all his time and energy for his plan. He’d already come to accept that he was better off trying to find a solution himself than to wait for someone to come and save him. After all, he was a Nielsen; everyone knew that Nielsens took matters into their own hands and that they weren’t afraid of anything. Mikkel Nielsen wasn’t afraid anymore.

Oh, who was he kidding?

He was beyond terrified.

There was no way he could find a solution to his problem even if he tried. Every time he came back from school, the weight of everything from the day would catch up to him and leave him exhausted. He couldn’t think even if he wanted to.

Unless… was he just making excuses?

Was there something wrong with him?

So maybe he was still secretly hoping that he wouldn’t have to find a solution to his problem. Maybe he still wanted to believe that this was nothing but a dream. And maybe, even if he knew it was wrong because no good would come from interacting with others, just maybe, he did want to have a friend or two, even if it was for a short period of time. Mikkel didn’t want to admit that he often found himself wishing to have the courage to be somewhat like who he used to be. He wanted to show off his magic tricks, to be able to participate in class, to laugh, to smile sincerely, to talk to people, to feel liked. And it wasn’t like he didn’t have any opportunities to do so because he did. He was just disappointed that he had missed out on so many.

He was disappointed that he went out of his way to avoid and ignore people instead of getting to know them. He was disappointed that he didn’t bother going to Charlotte Tannhaus and talk to her the one time he saw her sitting outside drawing. He was even disappointed for not striking the deal with Hannah like she so wanted him to back at the hospital. His only hope would be that she would get impatient and ask him again. Or maybe she was still waiting for him to approach her, even though he knew he wouldn’t—couldn’t—do that at school. He would much rather be alone than having to come into contact with her friends, which happened to include his parents. 

* * *

The bitter winter cold should’ve been the first sign for Mikkel to stay in bed. The uneasiness in his stomach as he ate breakfast should’ve been the second sign. And his mother’s bruised face should’ve been the third sign.

Up until now, Mikkel hadn’t really witness the so many rumored and whispered acts of bullying that circled around the school regarding this younger version of his mother. He’d made sure to stay away from her and her friends. He figured he’d been lucky to not have witnessed anything she’d said or done, mainly because, like the coward he believed himself to be, he had decided to become blind and deaf. Nothing would hurt him more than to have the image of his parents be completely shattered.

There was no way his mother could be the same Katharina everyone was so scared of.

But it only took one stare before Mikkel came to realize that the rumors were true.

Just like he’d been doing since the first day of school, Mikkel braced himself for the day ahead. He took a deep breath in, prepared to take his first step towards the school’s entrance when he heard a ruckus behind him.

It was his mother and her friends.

He would’ve moved to the side and hidden if it hadn’t been for how shocked he was to see such a large bruise on her face. He’d never seen his mother with a bruise before, much less now that he made a conscious effort to be at a distance from her and avoid looking at her. He guessed she must’ve felt his stare on her, because she glared at him and walked towards him.

 _Oh no_.

Frozen with fear, Mikkel gripped his backpack straps.

“What are you looking at, creep?” she demanded with an icy tone as she stood in front of him. She narrowed her eyes and got closer, her shadow looming over him.

“I…” he stammered, unable to look away from the bruise. Upon closer inspection, Mikkel realized that not only did she have a large bruise that covered her left eye, but she also had another bruise on her cheek. Mikkel gulped. “Well, I… I was just…”

“I, I, I,” she repeated, her voice sounding like his. She assessed him from head to toe and took her hands out of her pockets. “Do you like what you see?”

Mikkel shook his head rapidly. But in a dark way, Mikkel supposed that he preferred staring at the bruises on her face than to look into her cold blue eyes. There was not a trace of the warmth he was used to in them.

“Because if you want,” she said while she took another step closer to him, “I can give you one.”

He was pretty sure that fear was written all over his face. His breath got shallow and he took a step back. His mother grinned wickedly until Mikkel stupidly asked, “Are you okay?”

Her nostrils flared. “Are you trying to make fun of me?” She pointed at her face and scowled. “Does this look like I’m okay?”

But Mikkel couldn’t get any words out. His body trembled and he felt small.

But his mother seemed to have interpreted his silence for something else, because she said, “Oh, I see how it is. You enjoy this.”

“What? No! I—”

She pushed him. “And you dare talk back to me too.”

His eyes went wide. This was it; she was going to hit him.

But before she could do anything—if she really was going to do anything to him—, someone said, “Katharina, he’s just a kid. Besides, we’re going to be late.”

And for the first time since his mother had appeared in front of him, Mikkel moved his gaze from her to the owner of the voice.

It was Hannah.

“No one asked for your opinion,” his mother snapped at Hannah. Hannah pursed her lips, took a breath in, and looked away, not bothering to stop her or to help him.

His mother directed her attention back onto Mikkel. She pushed him harder and he quickly fell onto the snow-covered ground. It took everything in his power to not start crying.

The last thing he saw before he closed his eyes and waited for the impact was his mother’s hand curling into a fist. But the fist never came because Hannah had gotten his mother’s attention again. “Katharina, look, it’s Four-Eyes Tiedemann.”

Mikkel opened his eyes and peeked at his mother. He could tell that she was debating whether to finish him or go to whoever Four-Eyes Tiedeman was. She pulled back from him and said, “Make fun of me again and you’ll see what will happen to you.”

Mikkel tried catching his breath while keeping his eyes on the back of his mother’s head as her and friends walked away.

“Hey Tiedemann!” he heard his mother shout. “Don’t you dare leave!”

And for reasons Mikkel couldn’t understand, instead of going inside like he meant to, to where he would be safe and sound, he followed his mother. His mother got close to a girl with wild hair and glasses too big for her face. But unlike with Mikkel, his mother didn’t touch her—the most she did was stand near her and look down at her.

“I’m going to be late,” the girl said with an anxious look on her face. But despite the nervousness that radiated from her, she still managed to say, “Get away, Katharina.”

His mother looked around the small crowd before directing her hateful gaze onto the girl. “Don’t worry, I haven’t laid my hands on you since that day.” To prove her point, she put her hands back in her pockets. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a chat.”

Clutching her books, the girl said, “I really need to go, I have a test I need to study for.” She nodded and tried to walk around his mother. But Mikkel saw his mother stop her from doing so.

“Aw, scared without your precious boyfriend around to protect you?” she taunted. “Maybe he realized what a worthless piece of shit you are. It was only a matter of time though. Face it, no one wants to be around you.”

The girl with the glasses looked down and gripped her books even tighter, her knuckles turning white.

His mother laughed like she enjoyed every second of it. “I bet that not even your own mother wants you around. So Tiedemann, why don’t you do everyone a favor and die already?”

That’s when the girl started crying.

And much like his mother had taught him a long time ago, Mikkel opened his mouth to defend the girl. He didn’t care if the bully was his mother or not—this wasn’t right. “Apologize to her.”

All eyes turned to him.

His mother raised her eyebrows. “Who asked for your opinion? Mind your own business.” She then turned to the girl and scoffed. “Can’t you ever learn how to defend yourself? Little and defenseless Tiedemann, always the victim. You know what you are? A parasite.”

“Would you please stop?” Mikkel asked, his voice a little louder than last time. He took a glance at the girl. “She hasn’t done anything to you.”

His mother ignored him.

Mikkel couldn’t stop the anger and disappointment in his voice. “What is wrong with you? You know what you’re doing isn’t right. How would you feel if someone treated you the same way?”

Whatever amusement had been present on his mother’s face left quickly, because she went to him and placed her hands on his shoulders. Mikkel didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this.

“I know you aren’t—,” was all he said before he felt her hit him in his stomach with her knee. Mikkel groaned and fell, clutching his stomach and gasping for air. The pain was unbearable, but it was nothing compared to the thought running through his head.

His mother, who had never laid a hand on him or his siblings, who was against all violence, who was the warmest and most loving person he knew, had hit him.

She _hit_ him.

This had to be a nightmare.

“Take that as a warning,” Katharina sneered. “Come guys, we’ll be late for class.”

And through the shock and pain, Mikkel heard the group leave.

“Are you okay?” someone asked him.

Mikkel lifted his gaze from the ground to the girl in front of him. With a grimace he replied, “Yes. Are you?”

She took off her glasses and wiped her face. “I’m so sorry. That should’ve been me.”

Mikkel shook his head. “It’s okay. She was going to hit me anyway.”

“But still,” she insisted, “I’m sorry you had to go through that. Katharina used to do the same to me. Now she just insults me.”

“It’s not right though.”

She smiled sadly. “I know. Aleksander could only do so much. Here, let me help you.” She took his hands and helped him get up.

“Thank you.”

“I should be the one thanking you. In fact, that should’ve been the first thing I said to you.” She stared at him and bit her lips. “I’m sorry, I know it might sound weird, but you remind me of someone. Have I seen you before?”

“No, I’m new here.”

“I see. Well then, may I ask for your name?”

“Mikk—Michael. Michael Kahnwald.”

She smiled. “Thank you again, Michael. I’m Regina, Regina Tiedemann.” She looked at her watch. “Class is about to start. Come.”

Her last name rang a bell but Mikkel couldn’t pinpoint why.

Mikkel smiled briefly before shaking his head. “You go ahead. I… I need a few moments alone.”

Her smile faltered. “I understand. Take care. Thank you again, I really appreciate it.”

Mikkel gripped his backpack straps and felt his chin wobble. He blinked back tears and turned around.

He was done with this nightmare.

He was going back home.

* * *

He was finally going to wake up.

He was going to put an end to all of this.

He had let it go on for too long.

Today he was finally going to go back to his time and see his family.

His family…

How was he going to face his mother?

His mother had hit him.

No, a teenager that looked like his mother had hit him.

Katharina had hit him.

His mother would never do that.

Would she?

No.

_Don’t think about it. Just focus on going home._

Ignoring the snow that had started to fall not long after he had decided to leave school, he walked through the Winden forest for the first time since November. But unlike last time, Mikkel’s pace began to slow down the closer he got to the caves, the impulsive energy disappearing the further he was from school. He forced himself to keep going.

Why was he slowing down now? He was almost there.

And after what felt like hours, Mikkel finally came face to face with the place that had changed his life forever.

He thought he would be fine seeing the caves after so long—he really did. But the moment he saw the caves he just couldn’t keep going forward.

It was something he knew that he needed to do—it was the only way home.

But couldn’t there be a less creepy and dark way to get back home?

“I’m not afraid,” Mikkel muttered to himself. “I’m finally going home. I can do this. I’m not afraid.”

Dropping his backpack and balling his hands into fists, Mikkel took a step forward.

He just needed to take another step.

But he couldn’t.

Why couldn’t he?

_Well, there’s a lot of snow. The caves must be freezing._

_But wouldn’t it be better to be inside the caves where there’s shelter and no snow?_

So why couldn’t he do it?

 _Because I don’t know what I would do after what happened today. Because if I go home nothing will be the same_. _Because what if…_

What if his family didn’t want him anymore?

What if they never wanted him?

What if they weren’t searching for him like he thought they were?

What if his mother had always wanted to hit him?

Did she… did she hate him?

 _No_ , _she loves me. My family loves me. They do_.

Then why?

Unable to keep it in anymore, Mikkel sobbed.

“ _Mama_ …”

* * *

Perhaps it was a good thing that he hadn’t been able to take that step further into the caves. There was no way he would’ve been able to find the path to the tunnel without a flashlight. And even if he had had a flashlight—if last time was any proof of his inability to find his way around the maze—, he would’ve gotten lost without something to guide him.

What Mikkel needed was a plan. Doing things on impulse wasn’t a plan. Impulse is what had left him stuck here in 1980s Winden. Impulse was what had given him a broken leg. And there was no way he would go inside and break another leg or be lost forever and die.

After having cried himself out, Mikkel made his way back to the place he had yet to call home. By the time he got back, not only was he exhausted but he was shivering like a madman.

After getting his warm pajamas and ignoring the bruise that had started to form on his stomach, he wrapped himself in his blanket and spent all day looking at the window.

Hours later, Ines rushed to his room, her face washed over with relief. She placed a hand over her heart before gripping her crucifix pendant. “What happened? I got a call from school that you never went. I was so worried.”

Mikkel closed his eyes and with a hoarse voice said, “I wasn’t feeling well.”

“I should’ve known you were feeling sick.” She gently hugged him. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

And just like earlier in the day, Mikkel began sobbing. “I just wanted to go home.” Ines hugged him even tighter and whispered comforting words that Mikkel ignored in favor of pretending that the one hugging him was his mother.

And starting that night, Mikkel began having nightmares.

* * *

_February 7th 1987_

The nightmares always circled back to the same three things.

The caves, his family, and his current reality.

He considered himself lucky if he managed to sleep through at least three hours before waking up scared out of his wits.

Before the nightmares had begun, Mikkel had dreamt of the caves a couple of times. Nothing ever really happened other than the caves gently luring him to go in. But now, he dreamt of the caves every night. Sometimes the caves managed to get him to go and get lost in the darkness. Other times, the caves made strange sounds and everything around him would disappear. And at other times, he was inside the tunnel, close to getting home, when the caves would shake and the rocks would collapse on him, crushing his hopes of ever getting home.

The nightmares got even worse when his family started appearing. Sometimes the nightmares began with them being happy to see him, only for them to slowly ignore him as time went on. Sometimes his family would speak to him and tell him that he wasn’t wanted anymore. Other times, his family would forcibly take him back to the caves. Mikkel would cry and beg them to let him stay with them. And other times, he would manage to stay with his family, only for him to realize that they looked slightly different. In those dreams, they would live here in the Kahnwald home. And what saddened him the most about those dreams was that they were never happy, even if they were together.

In the nightmares where his parents did look like he remembered them, he would go running to them, desperate for their love and affection. But these nightmares were the ones that terrified him the most because the moment Mikkel was about to hug them, a black substance would swallow them. And Mikkel could never wake up until the substance spit them out and reveal the teenaged versions of his parents. Mikkel could always feel their hatred towards him in those dreams. His father would act like he didn’t exist, and his mother would push him so hard that Mikkel would break the ground and fall into eternal darkness.

Mikkel always woke up the same.

Startled, sweaty, gasping for air, and disoriented.

He kept his nightmares from Ines. Not only did he not want to trouble her, he didn’t think she would understand. If he told her anything about them, he knew that it would probably only confirm whatever idea she had created about him.

But it was hard trying to conceal the dark circles that kept growing under his eyes with each passing day. It was even harder to hide how much his lack of sleep and rest affected his school life. It took all of his mental capacity to stay awake in class and pay attention. He was lucky that he hadn’t fallen asleep in front of his classmates yet. He knew he would be mortified if it happened and he woke up from a nightmare in front of everyone.

And while it took him twice as long to finish his work, he still managed to get passing grades, even if they weren’t anything compared to what he was used to. It was in moments like these that Mikkel was glad his mother wasn’t around; after all, what kind of school principal’s kid ever got terrible grades?

* * *

Crawling out of the caves, Mikkel saw his family. All four of them had their arms wide open as though they’d been waiting for him all this time.

With a desperate need to feel his mother’s arms around him in a tight hug and with a desperate need to feel his father’s lips on the top of his head with a kiss, Mikkel ran like a madman towards them. He was so happy that he didn’t care if his brother and sister whacked him in the back of the head. He just wanted to feel their love and warmth. And just as he was getting closer to them, Mikkel saw that his family dropped their arms and the warmth that had radiated from them vanished.

His brother and sister turned around and walked away. His parents followed shortly after.

Mikkel tried to catch up to them when he felt something clutching him by his feet.

It was the chaotic black substance.

The more Mikkel tried to fight it, the more it slowed him down as though it were trying to drag him back to the caves.

He tried screaming, crying, and holding onto rocks and trees, but nothing worked.

And just when he felt the substance wrap around his neck, making it impossible to breathe, he looked one last time at his family. His parents turned around, but they weren’t his parents anymore. They were their teenaged selves.

“Help me,” he begged. But they only exchanged a glance before extending their hands.

And just when Mikkel thought he was going to make it, his parents pushed him into the caves, letting the darkness consume him.

Mikkel woke up gasping and desperately trying to push away the sheets that had tangled around him.

Much to his dismay, Ines had entered the room just as he was waking up. He would’ve succeeded in keeping it a secret from her if it hadn’t been because he’d forgotten to set the alarm for today.

She rushed towards him and sat on the bed, placing her hands gently on his face as though she were trying to ground him. She said softly, “It’s okay, Michael, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. It’s fine. It was just a nightmare.”

But the uneasiness didn’t leave Mikkel. His eyes remained unfocused and his hands were shaking.

“Nothing can hurt you,” Ines reassured him quietly. “It’s over. Whatever happened can no longer hurt you. It’s in the past. Everything’s okay now.”

Mikkel shook his head rapidly and croaked, “No, that’s not true.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you; I promise. We’re family, that’s what we do for each other. I’ll keep you safe.”

Ines slowly removed her hands from his face. She hugged him and hummed lowly until he calmed down. The gesture oddly enough reminded him of Magnus.

“I miss them,” Mikkel confessed in a broken whisper.

“Who?”

“My family.” He bit his lips. “I—I just…”

Ines carefully pulled herself away from him. Her eyes searched for his. “Michael, you need to let go of the past. Can’t you see how much it’s affecting you?”

He really didn’t want to hear that now. Trying to change the conversation, he glanced at the clock. “Aren’t we late? You said last night that we had to go somewhere today.”

“It’s fine, we can go some other day.” The way she studied his face made Mikkel know what she was about to ask him next. “How long has this been going on? The nightmares, I mean.”

He played with a loose thread on his blanket. “A while now.”

Her voice sounded betrayed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Oh, Michael.” She placed her arms around him once again. “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me what worries you. I want to help you.”

“You already do so much for me.”

“It’s what I’m supposed to do. And I enjoy it. I’m really glad you’re in my life. I want nothing but the best for you.”

“I know.”

“Sometimes, it helps if you talk to someone about what worries you. Like I’ve told you before, you don’t have to tell me what happened, but know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. But only if you want to. I would never force you to do so.”

“I’ll remember that.” He smiled weakly. “Thank you, Ines.”

* * *

_February 20th 1987_

The first few days, Mikkel had told himself that he wouldn’t share his worries with Ines. He told himself that if he did happen to feel like he should share something with her, then he would do so only because she expected him to do so. But it wasn’t long before he realized that maybe he really did want to share his worries with her before they got too unbearable.

He always tried to be as vague as possible though, only telling her that he’d had a nightmare or that he didn’t think he could last the day at school. He never told her what the nightmares were about and he most certainly didn’t tell her about school, even if he knew she wanted to know. There was no way he would tell her about how often Katharina would push him against a wall or how often Ulrich would bump into him to only pretend like Mikkel didn’t exist. And when Ines did ask about school, Mikkel always lied.

But it only took about a week before Mikkel stopped sharing with Ines. While he’d initially felt a little bit better, he found that every time he did happen to share something with her, more often than not, it ended up with her saying, “The past is the past and now is now” or “You need to let go”.

He pretended like it didn’t bother him.

Tonight, like every night since he had started living with Ines, Mikkel waited for Ines to bring him some hot cocoa. Even if it wasn’t like the one his mother would make for him, Mikkel enjoyed the momentary happiness he got from it. There was no way a person could be sad while drinking such a wonderful thing.

But tonight, something was different about it.

Mikkel tried to keep his distaste for the drink but it didn’t go unnoticed by Ines.

She studied his face as she folded some clothes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled before smiling. “It’s really good.”

“Michael…”

He wished he had a piece of toast to help take the taste away. “It’s just… it’s a little different.”

“Different how?” she pressed.

His ears felt warm, and he hoped that she wouldn’t feel insulted. “Bitter.”

She nodded while she put the clothes away. “It’s probably the new cocoa powder. It’s a higher percentage of cacao. The other one was too sweet, don’t you think? Sugar’s not that good for you anyway. I thought getting a healthier option was better.”

Mikkel shrugged, debating whether he should keep on drinking the hot cocoa.

She smiled at him. “I was used to the other one, so I wasn’t sure how to make it the same. But I know we can get used to it. If you like, I’ll make sure to add sugar to it tomorrow.”

“It’s okay, Ines, really. It’s still good.” And as if to convince her that he was telling the truth—even though they knew that he was lying for her sake—, he finished whatever was left.

Ines picked up his mug and walked towards the door. “I promise to make it better.”

He stood from his bed and followed her downstairs. “Can I help you with the dishes?”

She waved her hand. “It’s fine. Go watch some tv or read before it’s time for you to go to sleep.”

And about an hour or two after he started watching television, Mikkel started yawning. Not even wanting to put up a fight, Mikkel let the darkness take over and take him wherever it wanted to. 


	10. Birthdays and summer plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was this what growing up meant? Becoming someone else? Facing challenges on your own? Or was it realizing that you no longer knew who you were anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I ramble, I want to thank sealandreich, tayftswift, ultima88, Tricia_Guima, and her_black_tights for the comments. I also want to thank GaboBlue1004 for the kudos. Thank you to everyone who reads this fic as well :)  
> I also want to apologize for taking longer than I had meant to with this chapter. I originally had meant for this to be up on the 8th, but only about half of the chapter was done and I was slightly busier than normal. 
> 
> This week's chapter is once again from Mikkel's POV, and it's quite... long (too long if I say so myself). I think it could've been two chapters (and less words), but I guess this is what happens when you don't want to have four consecutive chapters on Mikkel's POV, and you get carried away with the roller coaster of emotions... and maybe have too many ideas and characters floating around. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> On another note, I want to give credit to bellerose33 once again. I really liked her idea of Mikkel's birthday being on March 3rd. I think it fits Mikkel's character and the importance of #3 in the show. I mean, out of all the characters, I think he's the one who spends exactly 33 years out of place before he sort of gets back to where he began, and I think he's the only one to have been exactly 33 when he was born. What do you guys think?
> 
> Anyway, the next few chapters will be from Ines and Hannah's POVs. I think after today we all need a small break from Mikkel (but do we really?) I hope that when we do get back to him, things won't be as heavy. 
> 
> Hope you like the chapter! Enjoy the reading :) Remember to take care!

_March 3rd 1987_

“ _Somehow the future starts somewhere_

_Sometime_

_I won’t wait for long_

_Love is created through bravery_

_So don’t think about it twice_

_We ride on fiery wheels_

_Towards the future through the night_ "

Those were the first words Mikkel heard before he opened his eyes.

The song coming from his alarm clock was more than enough to let him know that, for the first time in his life, his birthday wouldn’t be celebrated.

It was his birthday, and he was still stuck in the past.

Feeling as unrested as always despite not having woken up during the night, Mikkel stared at the ceiling with droopy eyes.

_It’s 1987 and I haven’t been born yet. And I won’t be for twenty-one more years. And yet, I’m here. I exist as both Mikkel Nielsen and Michael Kahnwald. I’m twelve and at the same time I’m not._

Time was slowing passing by and he was slowly changing with it.

Mikkel was no longer the eleven-year-old boy that had left 2019. It wasn’t like he’d changed much… or at least he hoped he hadn’t. He wanted to believe that he was still the same boy who loved magic and science. He wanted to believe that he was still the same boy who wanted to wear onesies to school because he knew that a magician always needed a distinctive style. He wanted to believe that he was still the same boy whose dream was to become the greatest magician ever since Houdini. But most of all, he desperately wanted to believe that he was still the same boy who loved his family with all his heart despite the chaotic mornings and the bickering between siblings.

But at the same time, Mikkel also knew that that same boy had changed, even if it was just a little. He was no longer the boy who wanted to be seen and heard by others in class. He was no longer the boy who so desperately wanted to prove to others that he wasn’t a kid anymore. He was no longer the boy who was confident in his skills and his talents. He was no longer the boy who smiled all the time, whose blue eyes were bright with mischief, and who always had something to say or share. He was no longer the same small boy who had walked through the caves holding hands with Jonas and who had left the caves by himself the very next day.

He was no longer _just_ Mikkel Nielsen.

He was Mikkel, the boy from the future, and Michael Kahnwald, the boy from the past.

Was this what growing up meant? Becoming someone else? Facing challenges on your own? Or was it realizing that you no longer knew who you were anymore?

If he had known that growing up meant to change so much in such a short amount of time, would he still have asked for the same wish? If he had known a year ago—or should he say thirty-four years into the future—that he would be where he was now, would his wish have been different? Would he have wished for more time with his family? Would he have still wished to become the greatest magician in the world? Would he have even bothered asking for wishes? Did birthday wishes even work?

Mikkel brought his hands to his line of sight. He observed his fingers and his palms, searching for any signs that showed how much time had passed since 2019 or how much time will pass until he got back to the future. It gave him peace of mind to see that his hands still looked the same as back then. He preferred concentrating on that than having to acknowledge that he would soon enter a phase in his life where changes would be more noticeable. He didn’t want that, at least not yet.

Feeling his eyes water, Mikkel directed his gaze to the Rubik’s cube which rested on his desk. Although Mikkel played with it every day, be it at school or here, he found that lately it was taking him longer to solve the puzzle. He figured that the cold and the stress from his days at school clouded his mind, but something told him that that wasn’t it. It disappointed him to think that maybe he’d never been as quick and smart as he’d led himself to believe.

Pushing the dark thoughts away, Mikkel stood up and went downstairs, sluggishly taking one step at a time. To some extent, part of him hoped that by taking longer to go downstairs, his family would have enough time to show up and wish him a happy birthday. There would be nothing more comforting than knowing that his family would be there with open arms and ready to smother him with the tightest hugs reserved only for birthdays once he landed on the last step.

Not unsurprisingly, the only other person present besides himself was Ines. Like most mornings, she was happily preparing breakfast and putting together Mikkel’s lunch for school.

Mikkel pushed down a lump in his throat. For the first time ever, there was no music, no balloons, no birthday decorations, no gifts, and none of his favorite foods waiting for him. And what hurt most was that there were no family members who were fighting with each other to see who would give him the first birthday hug.

Did his family even remember that today was his birthday? Did they miss him? Or had they moved on like Ines told him to?

And like every morning, Ines said, “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

“Good morning,” Mikkel mumbled, not bothering to lift his gaze from the ground as he made his way to the table.

She set the food on the table. “Why haven’t you changed?”

Mikkel sighed and shrugged. He didn’t know how to ask her if there was any way for him to stay here instead of going to school. He hoped that his eyes said everything that needed to be said.

The smile that had been present on Ines’s face slowly faded. She took the chair next to him, and like always, she kept her tone soft and gentle when she asked, “Michael, what’s wrong?”

He knew that if he told her that today was his birthday, and not November fifth like his adoption papers said, she would tell him the same thing she always said. And quite frankly, Mikkel was growing tired of it. So instead of telling her the truth, he played with a corner of the placemat as he mumbled, “I don’t feel well.” Which wasn’t a lie since, for the first time in his life, Mikkel felt terrible on his birthday.

Ines cautiously took his hands and smoothed her thumbs against his wrists. “What hurts?”

 _Everything_ , he wanted to say. “I just don’t feel well.”

“Should I get medicine?”

He took a breath in. “No… I just want to stay here, for today, please.”

Ines’s forehead creased and she pressed her lips together. “Did something happen at school?”

Mikkel slowly shook his head. Fearing that she would be able to figure out that he was lying, he tried pulling his hands away from hers. “It’s… it’s nothing.”

“Michael… Please, tell me what’s wrong. Are you still having nightmares? You haven’t mentioned them in a while.”

“They’re less frequent now,” he decided to share. While he still had nightmares, Mikkel couldn’t quite remember what they were about. He had an idea what they could be about, but once he opened his eyes, he forgot everything. The only evidence that let him know that he’d had a nightmare was how startled he was once he woke up.

She observed his face. “Are you having trouble sleeping throughout the night? Is something making you nervous? Or are you still having a hard time adjusting to things?”

“I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.” And that was true—with how exhausted and worried he was from school and everything, Mikkel fell asleep right away. But no matter how much he slept, Mikkel stayed tired and slow all throughout the day. And as for the second question, what didn’t make him nervous these days? Admittedly, he found that he was a little less nervous the more time he spent here in the past and got used to his environment. But the mere thought of becoming a little more used to his surroundings made him nervous. He didn’t want to adjust, because if he did, it would be harder to go back home.

But he didn’t share any of that with her; Ines was already doing so much for him. Surely, she had more important things to do than worry about Mikkel. The last thing Mikkel wanted was to give her something else to worry about.

Mikkel was about to tell her to forget about it, that he changed his mind and that he was going to go to school, when she whispered, “Is… is someone bothering you at school?”

Mikkel opened his mouth but no words came out.

Her eyes were sorrowful and the wrinkles in her face became more prominent. “That’s it, isn’t it? I should’ve known. You never mention any classmates or friends.” She placed her hands on his cheeks before brushing some of his hair away from his forehead. “It really worries me, Michael. If you want, I can—”

“It’s fine, Ines, really,” Mikkel said quickly, his voice sounding small. “I just… it’s just… I…” He sighed resigned. “It’s not about classmates or friends.”

Ines bit her lip before cautiously asking, “Is this about your past? Is it that?” They both knew that his silence told her everything she needed to know. “Michael, I’m sure that once you begin to let go of the past, so many people will see just how amazing you are. Remember, the past is the past and now is now.”

Trying to get her to move away from him, Mikkel tried to get up and go back to his room. Maybe then this conversation would stop. Maybe then Mikkel could go back to sleep and pretend like today wasn’t his birthday. But Ines’s stare on him made it hard for him to do any of that.

Trying to control his breathing and stopping himself from wincing, Mikkel said, “Never mind. I’ll go to school. It’s okay, really. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

Ines looked at him like he had offended her with his words. “Michael, that’s not… I just—”

Mikkel attempted to smile, but it felt beyond forced. Lying through his teeth, he said, “I just didn’t want to take a test today. It’s fine, Ines. I’ll go change.”

He went to his room and stared at his Rubik’s cube.

Since there would be no one to celebrate his birthday, that meant there would be no birthday cake. No birthday cake meant no birthday candles, which meant that there wouldn’t be anything to make wishes with. Mikkel decided that he would have to adjust and make his own rules.

He made up his mind.

This year, Mikkel would solve the Rubik’s cube twelve times before it was midnight.

Twelve times for his twelve years and the lack of twelve candles. 

Not only would solving the cube prove to himself that he could still solve the puzzle and give him back some of the confidence he’d lost, but he would also allow himself to make a wish. It was the only gift he could give himself, the only gift he would receive this year for his birthday. And he already knew what his wish would be… there was only one thing he truly longed for.

As he went downstairs, Rubik’s cube hidden in his backpack, Mikkel was about to apologize for leaving abruptly when Ines hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry for making you upset. I’m just worried about you.”

But Mikkel couldn’t say what he wanted to say; instead, he just spent this small moment imagining that Ines was someone else. He closed his eyes tightly and focused on remembering his family and their faces. He imagined Ines’s arms to be the arms of all his loved ones. He imagined her hug to be their hugs. He imagined her words to be different. He imagined that today wasn’t his birthday.

Pushing away the guilt that was starting to consume him whilst he imagined that he was someplace—sometime—else and not here with Ines, he whispered, “Thank you.”

* * *

Mikkel was lucky that no one bothered him all throughout the day. He was even luckier that he hadn’t come across Ulrich or Katharina. Although he had come to terms that they had yet to become his parents, a part of him had felt anxious whenever he felt that they were around.

But maybe he still had wanted to see them today, even if they weren’t the version of his parents that he longed to see. He couldn’t help but wonder if they would somehow magically know that today was his birthday.

Would they be able to see it in his eyes? Would they hug him? Or would their guts tell them that March third would be an important day for them in the future? Would they ignore that gut feeling like they occasionally ignored him? Or would they direct their attention towards him in less than ideal ways? And what would Mikkel do? If he saw them, would he want to hug them? What would happen afterwards?

Rather than imagine possible scenarios and give himself anxiety, Mikkel poured all his energy on solving the Rubik’s cube. The more time he spent on the puzzle the better—he could get closer to home. And once he got home, he knew he could hug his family as much as he wanted to. He hadn’t even realized how much hugs meant to him until today.

The good thing about having the Rubik’s cube with him every day was that it helped him get his mind off things. He would be so focused on it, that he could block out the world around him and forget about what his life had become. But today was different because the goal wasn’t to block out the world but for his wish to be granted. Sadly, that meant that his mind would inevitably wander back to Ines and his family.

To a certain degree, he understood why Ines kept telling him to let go—truly, he did. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about what would happen should he never return home. He knew, as today proved it, that time stopped for no one. There was the chance that when he did find a way back home, years—if not decades—could’ve passed and he might’ve missed various opportunities to be with people who, like Ines insisted, would see great things in him and care for him. And Mikkel, like everyone else, wanted people like that in his life. But despite that, he truly didn’t want to let go. He didn’t want to let go of his family, not now and not ever… at least not yet. If he did let go like Ines insisted that he did, then what hope did he have left? Who did he become? And if he did give up on them, what did it say about him? What would happen if he had given up but they hadn’t? How would that make them feel? How would he feel? Where would he go? Where—when—would he belong?

* * *

Despite the cold, Mikkel didn’t go to the Kahnwald home once school was over. Rather than go pretty much anywhere, Mikkel stayed sitting on a bench in the school’s courtyard.

Getting closer to completing his goal, Mikkel was solving the red side of the Rubik’s cube when a pair of black shoes with purple leg warmers crept up right in front of him. Not stopping his hands from twisting and turning the sides, he looked up.

“You do realize school finished a long time ago, right?” Hannah asked, her hands in her pockets and looking as unamused as ever. “But maybe you might’ve realized that if you spoke to people or looked up every once in a while.”

Not even feeling insulted, Mikkel stayed quiet. He directed his attention back to the Rubik’s cube; he had to finish solving the puzzle three more times before he could ask for his wish.

Hannah waved a hand in front of his eyes. “Hello?”

Frowning, Mikkel ignored her and kept his hands busy.

Left down once, bottom twist to the right twice, right up once…

Mikkel could practically hear Hannah rolling her eyes before he felt her plop down on the empty space next to him. 

“So,” she began bitterly, “are you not talking to me because of what happened with Katharina or because your _mother_ told you not to?”

Mikkel put the Rubik’s cube down and clenched his jaw as he stared at Hannah. More harshly than he meant to, he said, “She’s not my mother.”

But Hannah didn’t flinch, and she didn’t seem hurt by his tone. She kept her eyes straight ahead as though she were determined not to look at him. “I know. You said back then that she didn’t work at the hospital.” She scrunched her nose and narrowed her eyes. “Besides, I’ve known Nurse Kahnwald longer than you, so I know she adopted you... everyone does, Michael.”

Mikkel winced at hearing her say “Michael” instead of “Mikkel”. His grip on the Rubik’s cube tightened. “What do you want, Hannah?”

Annoyed, Hannah mimicked his voice, “’Hello, Hannah, nice to see you.’ ‘Thanks Michael, nice to see you too.’ ‘How are you?’ ‘I’m good, you?’” If it hadn’t been for how things were at the moment, Mikkel would’ve joked and told her that maybe imitating voices wasn’t her calling. She had imitated his voice quite poorly if he said so himself. But since he didn’t say anything, Hannah turned to face him. Her eyes let him know how displeased she was with his lack of manners. “Is it that hard to do that?”

He sighed and he put the cube down between them; concentrating would be harder with Hannah next to him. “I don’t know. Is it hard for you to pretend I exist? Is it hard for you to talk to me? Or do you only talk to others when Katharina and Ulrich aren’t around?”

Hannah’s freckled face became red and she pressed her lips. She glared at him as she shot back with, “It’s hard talking to someone who prefers his own company to anyone else’s. You don’t make it easy when you pretty much avoid everyone and everything. And it’s not my fault that you made it impossible to be your friend at school. I don’t know why you thought angering Katharina was a smart thing to do. If I talk to you when she’s around, I’ll be next.” She crossed her arms before she calmed down a little. “It certainly isn’t my fault that you never show up at the hospital or stay after school. It’s like you don’t even try.”

At that, Mikkel stayed silent. While he knew that she was right about some things, he also knew that she was wrong about one thing: Mikkel desperately craved company. He tilted his head downwards and smiled sadly. “You’re wrong, you know?”

“If you really wanted me to talk to you then you should’ve been more obvious about it. Heck, you could’ve gone to me during the first week of school.”

He picked up the cube and finished solving it. “Hannah, it’s not like you want me to talk to you during school anyway. I don’t blame you though. Trust me, I understand.” He felt her eyes on him and he turned to glance at her.

Hannah bit her lip. “You didn’t give me many options. It’s not like you gave anyone any options.”

Mikkel had an idea of what she was referring, but he was curious to see what Hannah meant exactly. “What do you mean?”

“Why did you think that staring at her and then _defending_ Four-Eyes Tiedemann was a good idea? You pretty much ended whatever chances you had of making friends the moment you became Katharina’s target and Tiedemann’s _defender_ that day.” She uncrossed her arms before swinging her legs. “Things could’ve been better for you if you hadn’t done that. If you had gone to me before all that happened, I might’ve convinced my friends that you were okay to be around.” She laughed derisively. “If they listened to me that is.”

Frowning, Mikkel said, “What she did wasn’t right, and you know it.”

“We all do. But everyone knows to stay away from Katharina. Well, everyone except you that is.” Mikkel’s frown deepened, but Hannah just rolled her eyes and shook her head. “And at least you had a warning. That bruise was more than enough to let you know what was about to happen. She hadn’t even covered it up. Some kids aren’t as lucky.”

“That’s not an excuse though. She shouldn’t be hitting people to begin with.”

“Look, all I’m saying is, you saw what happened that day. If you want things to change for you, you might want to start by never getting in Katharina’s way. You’re usually pretty good at staying invisible, it shouldn’t be that hard.” Although Mikkel was sure that the last part was meant to be an insult, he thought Hannah was speaking more to herself than to him. He noticed that she kept her gaze on her shoes and that her voice had gotten lower when she spoke again. “Just know that if you see bruises it means that she had a really tough time and is in a bad mood. Just go along with her.”

Although something told him that it would be stupid from his part to say so, Mikkel was unable to stop himself from muttering, “Well, maybe if she didn’t start fights with people, she wouldn’t have those bruises and wouldn’t be in a bad mood all the time.”

Hannah eyed him curiously and she tilted her head. “I really thought you were smarter than that. No one dares to fight Katharina.” She observed their surroundings before standing on the bench. Puzzled at whatever Hannah was doing, Mikkel kept his eyes on her as she looked through the window above them. She sat down and scooted closer to him. She hesitated before whispering, “She doesn’t get those from people our age.”

Mikkel’s blood went cold. “Then from whom?” But he already knew that the answer he was about to get wasn’t something he wanted to know. Something told him he already knew—it was the only logical explanation.

“What do you think?”

Mikkel only had to look at Hannah’s expression for everything to click in.

Was that why…

He could vaguely remember something Magnus had hinted a long time ago. Mikkel gulped, unable to conceive the idea that his mother hadn’t had a nice family life until him and his siblings came along. “Home?”

Hannah nodded slowly. “Even I don’t know much about it, but the little I do is not something you want to know. She can’t let it out at home, so she takes it out on other people. It’s gotten worse since November.”

Mikkel paled at the mention of November. He knew that realistically he wasn’t the cause of whatever was happening at home, but what if he was? What if this younger version of his mother knew that in a subconscious level? Was he the reason why Katharina was the way she was? Would she still become the mother he was so used to? Or was that reality and possibility gone?

Mikkel felt his stomach twist and he had to take deep breaths to stop the nausea that wanted to take over.

Hannah continued, “Trust me, as much as Katharina is my best friend, I’m also a possible target to any of her bad moods and grudges. That’s why I’m telling you that you need to stay low for a long time.”

“Then why do you hang out with her? Or her friends? Or Ulrich?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” she whispered before giving Mikkel a sidelong glance. She played with her sleeves. “Someone like you wouldn’t understand at all. Besides, Katharina might have her moments but she’s someone you can look up to. And Ulrich…” Hannah’s cheeks were tinged with pink before she bit her lip to stop the small smile that was forming on her face. Trying to appear nonchalant, Hannah shrugged, but the spark in her eye wasn’t gone. “Ulrich, well, he’s Ulrich.”

“You mean a jerk?” Mikkel couldn’t believe what he had just said. Martha’s boyfriend was a jerk, but not Mikkel’s father. But then again, Ulrich wasn’t his father yet, so it was possible for him to have been a jerk.

Hannah put her hands in her pockets and gave Mikkel a judgmental look. “Ulrich just jokes around; he really doesn’t mean any harm. He’s the coolest person in all Winden. Who doesn’t like him?” But the spark that had been present in her eyes vanished. “Who doesn’t want to be like him?”

Mikkel mumbled, “I think quite a few people might disagree with you.”

They stayed silent for a few minutes after that. Mikkel waited for her to say something before he gave up and decided to go back to the Rubik’s cube.

Hannah spoke, “They weren’t always that bad, you know? Ulrich and Katharina, I mean. It’s gotten worse though. Things weren’t supposed to be like this.” The last part was said so lowly that Mikkel wondered if he had heard correctly. 

For all the love he had towards his parents, Mikkel knew that there was a part of them that neither he nor his siblings knew anything about. He felt tempted to tell Hannah that Katharina and Ulrich won’t always be like that, that they would be some of the best citizens in Winden, that they would be people that others loved and respected. But it wasn’t like he could tell her or anyone that. He could see why no one would believe such things from two people who were less than ideal. “I just don’t understand why they would bully someone, or why they feel they need to do so. You gain nothing from it… Regina did nothing wrong.”

“There are some things you know nothing about.”

But Mikkel understood, in a way. He was starting to believe that people never really knew their parents. But did he really want to know the things that he had been shielded from? Would it help him understand his parents better? His family? Anything? “Why don’t you tell me then?”

Hannah shook her head. “If you don’t find out by yourself before summer starts, I’ll tell you.” Looking like she wanted to change the subject, Hannah pursed her lips and glared at the Rubik’s cube. “Why are you always playing with that thing? Do you actually do it, or do you make people think that you’re solving it?” She picked it up and studied it. With an impish smile, Hannah hid the cube behind her and started shuffling it. “I bet you can’t solve it now.”

Unable to stop his lips, Mikkel felt himself grin. “I bet I can.”

Smirking, she handed him the shuffled Rubik’s cube. “I don’t know anyone who can solve these. Let’s see how you do it.”

And for the next couple of minutes, Mikkel poured all his energy into solving the cube. He noticed that the closer he got to putting all the colors back in their right place, the closer Hannah got. Eventually, Mikkel had to shift on the bench to create some space between them. But Hannah seemed to think that he was trying to cheat because she just peered over his shoulder. Although it was hard concentrating with her breathing next to him, Mikkel managed to solve the Rubik’s cube quicker than he had all throughout the day. He grinned and showed it to her. “Told you I could do it.”

Impressed, Hannah raised her eyebrows and took the cube. She observed all the sides as though she were trying to see how he had done it. “What kind of magic trick was that?”

“It isn’t magic, it’s just logic,” Mikkel replied. He raised an eyebrow. “Can you do it?”

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

Mikkel shuffled the cube and once he gave it to her, he joked, “No cheating.”

Hannah rolled her eyes but smiled genuinely. She twisted and turned the sides, desperately determined to solve the thing. But Mikkel noticed that the more Hannah tried to solve it, the more messed up it became.

She puffed her cheeks before she handed it back to him. “This is impossible. There has to be a trick.”

“It’s not impossible,” he chuckled. “But there is a trick to it.”

“Ah,” she joked, “another secret, huh?”

Mikkel ran his fingers along the edges of the Rubik’s cube. “Have you thought about your end of the deal?”

“You hadn’t forgotten about it?”

Mikkel shook his head timidly; although he wasn’t going to tell her, he did enjoy Hannah’s company. He’d been a little afraid that she’d given up on wanting to learn magic tricks from him.

Hannah beamed. “I have many things to propose.”

“Go ahead then,” he insisted, turning his body around to face her. “I’m listening.”

Hannah sat up straighter and cleared her throat. “Well, I was thinking that maybe we could hang out during the summer. There’s only so much free time with Ulrich and Katharina that I can handle.”

Mikkel expected to hear more from her, but Hannah’s face let him know that she was done. He couldn’t hide the disappointment in his voice. “That’s it?”

She wrinkled her nose. “What do you mean ‘that’s it’? I gave a suggestion. I’m waiting for your response.”

He sighed exasperatedly. “It’s not really for me though. It’s something that works out for you. You’re supposed to propose something that works for me.”

Hannah crossed her arms and scoffed. “It works out for you too, you know? Besides the occasional little chat with Tiedemann, you don’t seem to have any friends. I’m giving you an option of what to do during the summer.”

He rolled his eyes. “What would we do? Besides magic tricks, I mean.”

She smirked. “Well, I can’t tell you everything because then things would get boring, no? But if you want, I can show you the secret spots in the forest. You’d be surprised how much stuff you can find lying around. We could also go to the lake or the hospital. And if you're feeling brave, then we could go to the caves.” She clapped her hands, and her face became so bright that Mikkel felt the corner of his lips turning into a smile. “Oh, I know! I can bring my Magic 8-Ball and read your future. Or we could share cassette tapes.” 

Laughing slightly and shuffling his Rubik’s cube, Mikkel said, “Maybe.”

“All I need is for you to make up your mind.” She extended her hand. “Do we have a deal?”

Mikkel thought about it. If by the end of the school year, his wish hadn’t come true, then Mikkel was more than prepared to spend all summer exploring the caves and finding a way home. If Ines happened to ask him what his plans for the summer were, he could say that he had plans with a friend. He didn’t think she would be against of his and Hannah’s… friendship? Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. If he was out of the Kahnwald home, it meant he was one step closer to finding the way home. Worst case scenario, Mikkel would just take longer to go back to his time.

Having everything and nothing to lose at the same time, Mikkel extended his hand. “Deal.” Her hand felt warm against his.

Hannah grinned. “We could meet here or at the hospital before exploring Winden. I have to plan it though; can’t have it conflicting with Katharina, Ulrich, or my friends.” She looked at her watch. “Papa should be done soon. I’ll come to you and let you know what the plan will be. Do not come to me unless I go to you first, got it?”

Mikkel nodded slowly. Hannah stood and gave him a half-wave before walking towards her father’s van. “See you, Michael.”

Mikkel got his Rubik’s cube and put it inside his backpack. He needed to go back before Ines got back from work and became worried.

Just as he was putting his arms through his backpack straps, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Come,” Hannah said, “I already spoke to Papa.”

Mikkel peeked over Hannah’s shoulder to see the man inside the van. “About what?”

“Giving you a ride home.”

Mikkel became flustered. “No, really, it’s okay, I can walk home.”

“Come. It’s freezing.” She put her hands in her pockets and briefly looked at her father. “I promise Papa doesn’t bite. He’s really nice.”

Hannah got inside the van first and scooted towards her father so Mikkel could have space. “Come in.”

Hannah’s father extended his hand towards Mikkel. “Sebastian Krüger. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you Mr. Krüger,” Mikkel said with a timid smile as he shook the man’s hand. “Michael Kahnwald.”

“Your mother is a great woman,” Mr. Krüger said, turning on the engine. “She’s always been very kind to me. Can you give me the address?”

Mikkel nodded and told him where he needed to go. Luckily, Mikkel was spared from small talk because the rest of the ride was spent in silence.

Once they reached their destination, Mikkel got his backpack and thanked Hannah and Mr. Krüger.

“It was no problem,” Mr. Krüger reassured him. “Tell Ines I say hello.”

“I will. Thank you for the ride.”

Hannah smiled. “Bye, Michael.”

Mikkel kept waving at them until they left.

* * *

Hours later, Mikkel was sipping the last bit of his hot cocoa as he struggled to reach his goal. As soon as he had gone through the Kahnwald home’s doors, everything in his mind had become slower. It took him forever to finish his homework, and by the time he finally had finished, it was close to his bedtime.

He just needed less than ten moves before he finished it and his wish got granted. But the cube kept slipping from his hands and his eyes were losing the fight against sleep.

He yawned.

_Three more moves and I’m done…_

With the Rubik’s cube still in his hand, Mikkel fell asleep before his birthday was over.

The Rubik’s cube remained incomplete.

* * *

_April 9th 1987_

It wasn’t hard to miss his father. And it certainly wasn’t hard to miss Ulrich Nielsen.

Everyone always spoke about him. Even more so today since it was his birthday.

And for the life of him, Mikkel couldn’t believe he’d forgotten about it.

While he may have forgotten to turn in assignments or to study for tests, Mikkel’s mind was often plagued with thoughts of his family. No matter how tired or sleepy he was, no matter how bad of a day it was, no matter if it was day or night, they were always there.

So how on earth had he forgotten that today was his father’s birthday?

What else was he slowly forgetting about his family? If today it was something as simple as his father’s birthday, what would it be tomorrow? Would he forget how chaotic the mornings were back at home? Would he forget the color of Magnus’s favorite hoodie? Or would he forget how Martha sometimes practice her lines in the mornings? Would he forget the sound his mother made when everyone did as they wanted? Or would he forget how his father sometimes liked to grab a spoon and eat from the marmalade jar at night?

Would they also start forgetting things about him?

“Hey, Ulrich!” Mikkel heard someone shout from across the hallway. “Happy birthday, man!”

Several people flocked towards him.

Trying too hard to be cool, Ulrich merely nodded.

“Will there be a party?” a girl asked.

“Will there be alcohol?” someone else asked.

“What about drugs?” Mikkel heard two other voices ask.

He then saw Katharina walked towards Ulrich and wrapped her arms around his neck. Around them, a few made approval noises as Ulrich and Katharina kissed for a long time. Katharina flipped someone off before saying, “Let’s skip class and go smoke.”

Ulrich smirked and put an arm around her shoulders. “Sure.”

At the sight of them, Mikkel’s eyes watered.

Was his family celebrating his father’s birthday this year? Was Papa happy to be one year older? Or was he frustrated that today showed how time kept moving even if the family was incomplete? Would there even be a party at the Nielsen family home this year? Or was his father still desperately searching for Mikkel?

But since there was no way to know this, Mikkel had no choice but to spare a few glances at Ulrich’s way. Mikkel clutched his backpack straps when he saw the amount of people who either patted, congratulated, or even hugged Ulrich. Out of him and his siblings, Mikkel was always the one to give his parents the first birthday hug. Who would get to hug Papa first this year?

Ulrich, Katharina, and a group of their friends walked right past Mikkel as they made their way to leave the school. Had there not been so many people surrounding Ulrich, Mikkel was more than sure that he would’ve reached out and grabbed onto Ulrich’s jacket. He would’ve tried to smile and wish him a happy birthday while desperately wishing that Ulrich would at least smile back and pat him on his back.

Mikkel was so focused on thinking about his father, that he didn’t notice Regina standing in front of him until she said, “Are you alright, Michael?”

“I’m sorry,” he said quite flustered. “I just had a lot in my mind.” Mikkel took one last glance at the group before they disappeared, leaving the hallway quite quiet.

Regina noticed that he was staring at Ulrich and company. “Don’t worry. Today is one of the few days where Ulrich and his friends don’t bully people too much. We’ll be fine.”

Ever since the incident in January, Regina and Mikkel had exchanged a few words here and there, but it never became anything longer than a simple five-minute conversation. Mikkel liked it that way—not only because it meant that they were less likely to attract attention to one another, but because as soon as he’d realized why her last name had sounded familiar, he had to make a conscious effort to not disturb whatever was left of the timeline.

But today Regina seemed to want to say more. She took off her glasses to clean them before clearing her throat. “I know it’s a little late for what I’m about to say, but I was wondering if there was any way I could repay you for defending me from Katharina that day.”

“It’s okay, Regina,” Mikkel insisted. “It’s not necessary. I just did what I thought was the right thing to do.”

“But still, I want to do something to thank you.” She smiled timidly and put her glasses back on. “Are you doing anything this summer?”

Mikkel shook his head slowly. “I don’t think so.”

“Would you like to meet up?” she suggested. “We could go somewhere, or you can come visit me at my house. My mama works a lot, but I’m sure Opa can be around if your mother wants adult supervision. Opa is really nice.”

Unable to stop himself from liking the idea that someone else wanted to spend time with him during the summer, Mikkel gave her a small smile. “I’ll have to ask Ines. Who else will join us?” Even though he knew that Ulrich and Katharina were obviously not people Regina had in mind, one could never be too careful.

“Aleksander,” she blushed. “He’s my… friend. You could bring one or two friends of yours too if you’d like.”

Mikkel wanted to tell her that all his real friends were nowhere to be found. They wouldn’t exist until many years later.

The bell rang and Regina gathered her books. “Well, think about what I said and let me know. Take care, Michael.”

Mikkel gave her a small wave. “Thank you, Regina. You too.”

* * *

Not having much appetite, Mikkel played with his food during dinner.

“How was school?” Ines asked gently.

He shrugged. “It was alright, I guess.”

“How about you? How do you feel?”

“I’m fine. Just tired.” Before Ines could ask him what he knew she wanted to know, he told her half the truth, “I haven’t been getting nightmares. I’m just sleepy all the time.”

“I see,” Ines murmured. “What about your friends? Are they doing well?”

Mikkel ate some food to buy himself time to think. “They’re good, I think.”

Ines sipped some water. “What are their names? You never mention them.”

 _That’s probably because I don’t have any_ , he thought. _Not here at least._

But because he knew that Ines wanted to know, Mikkel said—even know he barely knew anything about her—, “Well, Regina Tiedemann is one of them.”

Ines’s eyes went wide. “Tiedemann? Claudia’s daughter?”

“I guess? Why?”

Ines blinked several times as she mumbled, “Who would’ve thought?” Noticing that Mikkel was looking at her with confusion, she chuckled as she elaborated, “It just surprises me that you’re friends with a really good friend I had back when I was your age. Winden really is a small place.” She creased her forehead. “I hope that Regina isn’t exactly like her mother though. Claudia could be, well, like herself.”

They finished their dinner and just as Mikkel was helping Ines with the plates, she asked, “Did something happen at school?”

Mikkel almost dropped a plate. “Why would anything happen?”

“I don’t know,” she said not looking at him. “I just felt like something was bothering you. You looked worried right before dinner.” She pressed her lips together and started washing the dishes.

Maybe he could be a little honest with her. “Well… today was Ulrich Nielsen’s birthday.” Not meeting her eyes, he grabbed a dish and proceeded to dry it. “He, well, he reminds me of my father because his name is also Ulrich. I couldn’t help but think about him.”

Ines nodded but said nothing. But her face wasn’t one of approval, that much Mikkel was sure of.

Not wanting to say or hear _The past is the past and now is now_ , Mikkel finished drying the dishes and told Ines “good night” before going to his room.

Moments later, Ines showed up with his hot cocoa. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“You didn’t,” Mikkel said. “I’m just tired.”

She gave him the mug and sat on his bed. “I still wanted to apologize in case I did. One of the worst things that could happen is to go to sleep or tell someone goodbye in a bad mood.” Ines played with her fingers. “I’m sorry if I made you upset by asking you about school and what was bothering you. I know I’ve said it before, but I really do want you to feel like you can tell me things.”

 _That’s why I shared with you what I said earlier_ , he thought as he sipped some of the hot cocoa.

“I know there’s nothing to be done with Ulrich Nielsen’s name,” she whispered, “but maybe you’ll see that with time you won’t think about your father.”

“Maybe,” he mumbled.

Once he was done with his drink, Ines stood up and helped him get to bed.

“Good night, Michael. Tomorrow will be better, I promise.”

“Good night, Ines.”

The moment Ines closed the door, Mikkel’s mind went back to his father. He knew that one day he would see him again, just like he remembered him to be.

“Happy birthday Papa,” Mikkel whispered as he fell asleep.

* * *

_June 22nd 1987_

It had started out like a good dream.

He had been with his family celebrating his mother’s birthday. But the moment that Mikkel was going to give her his gift, the black substance had appeared again. Mikkel had tried to cling to her, to give her one last hug before it swallowed him and his loved ones. But Mama disappeared and in her place was Katharina. She had hit him in his stomach and the black substance engulfed him.

Mikkel woke up gasping. Although his nightmares had become more abstract, this nightmare had been as clear as day.

It took him a few moments to get his breathing back to normal. He stared at his posters on the walls and the _Captain Future_ and _Nuclear Navigators_ comics on the floor. He tore off the blanket as he collected his thoughts and tried to push the nightmare away.

There was no way he could face Katharina today, especially not today since it was her—his mother’s, Mama’s— birthday.

Mikkel painfully made his way downstairs. He didn’t need to go to the last step to know that Ines was getting things ready for the day. Mikkel saw Ines making him his lunchbox and he was reminded of his mother.

What was his mother doing today? Was she missing him as much as he missed her? Did she still make him his lunchbox even though he was no longer around? Or was she thankful that she had one less thing to worry about in the chaotic mornings in the Nielsen home? Was she happy to be turning fifty? Or did she feel the same way Mikkel had felt during his birthday?

Getting his backpack ready, Ines smiled warmly at Mikkel. “Hey, sleepyhead. We’re running a bit late today.” Not getting a reply from him, Ines walked towards him. “Come on, everything will be fine. Just one more week and it’s summer vacation.”

And although he knew he should’ve been excited that it was almost summer vacation, the mere mention of it made him feel nauseated. Something deep in his subconscious told him that this summer wasn’t going to go like he planned. And that something told him that today would be testament to that.

While Mikkel knew that he should’ve let Ines believe that he was sad about having to go to school, he was unable to stop himself from sharing with her one of his worries. With a dejected tone, he said, “It’s my mother’s birthday today.” Mikkel already regretted saying that because he already knew where this was heading.

The warm air that had radiated from Ines transformed into one of disappointment at the mention of his mother. Ines placed her hands on his cheeks and slowly turned him towards her so she could look him in the eyes. “You know what we said about that.” She pushed some of his hair around the ears.

Ines’s eyes let him know that she was waiting for him to start her infamous saying. As though she thought he needed prompting, she said, “The past is the past…”

And after hearing it so many times, he replied with what she expected him to say. “…and now is now.”

“Shall we?”

He shrugged, not really having much energy to argue or beg like he’d done a few months ago.

“Come on,” Ines whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder.

* * *

Even though the school courtyard was bursting with energy, Mikkel felt like he was under water, unable to move.

His eyes searched all throughout the courtyard, desperately hoping that he wouldn’t spot the person he longed to see the most. Would he be able to make it through the day like he had with his father’s birthday?

But no matter where his eyes landed, he couldn’t see her. All he saw were students either making their way to class or talking with each other.

Still standing in the middle, Mikkel kept trying to find Katharina until he felt someone bump harshly into him from behind. With his heart pounding like crazy, he realized that that person was none other than Katharina. But what startled him most was that she had a huge bruise on her left eye.

“Out of my way, douchebag!” she snapped at him, her face letting him know how much of a nuisance she thought he was. But Mikkel tried not to take it personal. Not long after he had realized that Katharina had an unstable home, he remembered something Magnus had told him a long time ago when Mikkel had been about six or seven.

At that time, Mikkel had insisted that he needed every member from both sides of the family to practice his magic tricks. But like many times before and after, Magnus had crushed his dream. Magnus had told him that getting all family members would be impossible.

“Why?” Mikkel had asked with his arms crossed, beyond frustrated that his brother was putting a stop to his magic show.

“Mama doesn’t have other family besides us,” Magnus had told him with a serious tone.

“Everyone has family, Magnus.”

“They don’t get along. She’ll tell you about them someday. You’re too little to understand.”

“I’m not a baby.”

“Only a baby would say that.”

And now, a few years older than he was then, Mikkel understood why him and his siblings only knew people from his father’s side of the family. Mikkel had only needed a trip back in time to understand why. And what was the saddest thing about it was that, perhaps, from him and his siblings, the one that was closest to understanding his mother was him.

With a heavy heart, Mikkel saw Katharina walk away with her friends. He hadn’t noticed Hannah next to her until Katharina called her name and Hannah ran to her side.

The school bell rang, and the once bustling courtyard was now as empty as Mikkel felt inside. Not even thinking about it twice, Mikkel walked towards the forest.

* * *

With a wooden stick in hand, Mikkel walked through the forest fields aimlessly.

If he had stayed at school, would he had told Katharina that her life would one day change for the better? Would he have hugged her like she had hugged him so many times before in the future? Or would he have only stared at the bruise just like he had back in January? Or would he have perhaps acted differently today? Was Katharina slowly changing and becoming the mother he loved and adored? What would be needed for that to happen? Would she have to leave her family? Did her parents care? And why were they so abusive towards her? Did they ever change? Or did they stay the same all throughout their lives?

Frustrated, Mikkel occasionally hit the plants around him.

Why was it that some people managed to change their lives while others were doomed to repeat endless cycles? Why did bad things happen to good people and why did good things happen to bad people? What made something good or bad? What force in the universe decided that things would happen one way for some and another way for others? Why was it that some people had everything and others had nothing? Why give some people abusive parents and why take away wonderful parents from children who loved them? Why send him to the past? Was there a mistake?

Mikkel stopped what he was doing as soon as he felt something change in the air. This time there were no flickering lights or cave sounds to tell him where he needed to go, but he still ran like a madman to the place where everything ended and everything began.

He didn’t stop running until he came to the caves’ entrance. And even though the feeling from earlier had vanished, Mikkel could still feel the adrenaline and the anxiety running through his veins. Out of breath and with hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, Mikkel took a breath in as he stared at the darkness in front of him.

It was already summer. He might as well go inside and begin his journey.

But just as he was about to go inside, a voice said, “Shouldn’t you be at school?”

Startled, Mikkel turned around to see the priest from the hospital.

The man was sitting on a fallen tree trunk and was eating an apple with a knife. He stood up and walked towards Mikkel.

All the bravery Mikkel had felt before was quickly leaving him. His heart was beating too fast and the air around him felt oppressive. He played with his hands as the priest approached him. “I know you. You were in the hospital.”

“I like coming here,” the priest told him. He had his attention on the caves before his eyes landed on Mikkel again, the knife still in hand. And just like in the hospital, Mikkel wondered if all priests made everyone feel this uncomfortable. “Special place.”

Mikkel quickly glanced down.

Why couldn’t the man put that knife away? And what was his name anyway?

The priest cut a piece of the apple before asking him, “So… Why aren’t you at school?”

But for the life of him, Mikkel couldn’t speak. He didn’t know whether it was because he felt like the priest would know if Mikkel lied to him, or because something told Mikkel that the man, despite his religious attire, could be capable of killing him and no one would ever know.

The priest seemed to have found Mikkel’s terrified silence amusing because there was a hint of enjoyment in his intense eyes. “I see. Sometimes we don’t know where we’re supposed to be.” He went back to being serious and he looked at the caves. He pointed at them with his knife and he got close enough that he could’ve whispered in Mikkel’s ear if he wanted to. “But I wouldn’t go in there. It’s like a maze in there. Some have never returned.”

Did he know?

Gripping his backpack straps to stop himself from shaking too hard, Mikkel kept his eyes on the knife.

Whether it was because he was done eating his apple or because he had finally noticed how tense Mikkel was, the priest put the knife away. He turned around and was about to start walking when Mikkel asked something that had sometimes plagued his mind. “In the hospital, you said something. The thing about God, and that he has a plan for everyone. But what if God has no idea what he’s doing? If the plan is wrong? If God is mistaken?”

The priest turned around to meet Mikkel once again. But unlike before, there was a very noticeable change in his expression. The priest shook his head. “God doesn’t make mistakes.” He got so close to Mikkel that Mikkel saw how much wider and bigger the priest’s eyes looked. Mikkel thought he looked dangerously insane. The priest murmured, “Sometimes we have to have more faith that everything will be okay again.”

His knuckles turned white as his grip on his backpack straps became even tighter. Luckily, the priest had finally decided to leave him alone. Mikkel saw him throw away his apple and disappear into the forest.

 _I hope I never have to see him again_ , Mikkel thought as he glanced at the caves one last time.

* * *

Not having any place to go, Mikkel spent most of his day in the woods, having no idea whether he should attempt to go back to the caves or not.

Growing tired and not really paying attention to his surroundings, Mikkel sat on the first broken tree trunk he found. Feeling faint, he covered his face with his hands and clenched his jaw. The thoughts inside his head were racing so much that a headache was beginning to form.

“Michael,” a voice said not far from him. “Are you alright?”

Alarmed, Mikkel looked around until he found the owner of the voice.

Putting her sketchbook away, Charlotte Tannhaus turned her body towards him. “Do you need help?”

Mikkel opened his mouth but no words came out. He shook his head and cleared his throat. “Hello, Charlotte. I’m fine… I just needed to sit down for a bit.”

Charlotte frowned before she got her things and stood up to sit next to him. Mikkel was thankful that she made sure to keep a space between them. “You don’t look well.”

Mikkel tried smiling, but he found it hard to do so. He kept his eyes on his hands before wringing them. “I’m fine, really. What about you? How come you’re not at school?”

“I’m good, thank you. School finished some time ago.”

“Ah, right. I forgot.” Desperate to ease the awkwardness, he asked, “What are you doing here in the forest?”

Charlotte pointed at her backpack. “I come here to draw. I like how quiet it is in the forest. School’s too loud, don’t you think?”

Mikkel nodded. “Very.” He didn’t know if it was rude or not, but because he wanted to continue the conversation, he asked, “What do you draw?”

“Whatever I find here. But most of my drawings are about birds. Do you want to see?” Charlotte got her sketchbook out and handed it to him.

With careful hands, Mikkel flipped through her sketchbook. He was surprised to see that almost all her drawings were done in pen. Mikkel couldn’t tell if any of her drawings had any mistakes in them—they were pretty realistic and had a dark charm to them. When he was done, he handed it back to her and asked, “Are your drawings always in black ink?”

Charlotte shook her head. “Sometimes I use colored pencils; it’s just easier to use pens. It’s less weight and it forces me to observe better before drawing on paper.”

Although he’d seen her at school and had exchanged a nod here and there, he realized that after December, he hadn’t really spoken with Charlotte. Now that they were here, he realized that maybe he should’ve spoken to her sooner.

Mikkel was about to ask her if she had gotten any drawing classes when two new voices approached them.

“Hello Charlotte,” Regina began with a smile. Next to her and holding her hand, was a guy Mikkel had never seen before. “Michael, it’s nice to see you.” She walked closer to them. “This is Aleksander. Aleksander, these are Charlotte Tannhaus and Michael Kahnwald.”

Aleksander extended his hand to Charlotte and Michael. “Aleksander Köhler, pleasure to meet you.” Charlotte eyed Aleksander curiously before shaking his hand. When it was Mikkel’s turn, he hoped that his hand wasn’t sweaty.

Regina turned her attention to Mikkel. “I didn’t see you at school today, Michael. Is everything okay? You look a little pale.”

“I wasn’t feeling well,” Mikkel replied. “I stayed here in the forest all day.”

Regina exchanged a quick glance with Aleksander before furrowing her eyebrows. “Did Katharina bother you again this morning? She was in a terrible mood today.”

Mikkel paled. “No. I—I, well, I made sure to stay away from her.”

Regina looked at him with concern. “Have you told your mama? She might be able to help with Katharina.”

“I don’t want to worry Ines. She already does so much.” Avoiding everyone’s eyes, Mikkel played with his backpack strap. Before anyone could tell him anything about Katharina, Mikkel asked, “Did you know that your mama and Ines used to be friends, Regina?”

Regina laughed like she couldn’t believe it. “I didn’t know Mama was capable of having friends.” She and Aleksander sat on the tree trunk and next to Mikkel. “I wouldn’t be surprised if your mama stopped being friends with mine.”

“She said nice things about her,” Mikkel said, not really wanting to make Regina uncomfortable. “She said she wouldn’t have a problem with us being friends.”

Regina smiled. “That’s good to know.” She turned to Charlotte. “Do you have any plans for the summer?”

“No, just the same as always,” Charlotte said. “If I’m not here drawing, then I’m at the library. There’s not much to do in Winden.”

“Maybe we could meet up some time,” Regina suggested. “All of us, to kill time, you know? Only if you guys want though.”

Noticing that Aleksander hadn’t said anything, Mikkel asked, “What about you, Aleksander? What are your plans?”

“I work at the nuclear power plant,” Aleksander said. “But I’m sure we could find something to do, even if we’re stuck in Winden.” He shrugged. “Winden isn’t that bad. I like it. It has its charm.”

Regina rolled her eyes good-heartedly. “That’s because you’re not from here. Charlotte agrees with me, right?”

Charlotte chuckled quietly. “Maybe. Winden is like a black hole. Once you get in, there’s no way out. Aleksander might be stuck here forever.”

Aleksander chuckled. “Do you agree with me then, Michael? Doesn’t Winden have something about it that makes it special?”

All eyes on him, Mikkel said, “I don’t know. Winden is… well, Winden is Winden.”

And for the next hour or so, the four of them chatted about Winden and summer. Even though Mikkel knew that he would never see them again once summer was over, he found himself enjoying the momentarily sense of normalcy.

Maybe the universe wanted to give him a break.

* * *

It was almost nighttime when he arrived to the Kahnwald home.

From the outside he had already known that Ines was inside.

Preparing himself for the guilt that would consume him once he saw her, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath in before unlocking the door.

His mind processed Ines’s tight hug before it could process anything else. She smelled strongly of cigarette and it reminded Mikkel of his father whenever he came back from smoking outside. But unlike his father who smoked for pleasure, Mikkel could tell that Ines had smoked out of worry.

“Where have you been? I was so worried.” she sniffed. She ran her hands through his hair before pulling away slightly to crouch to his eye level. “I called the school. They said you never showed up there.”

Mikkel didn’t know what made him feel worse, the fact that she sounded like she could’ve been crying or that she could start crying at any moment. He couldn’t remember ever having seen either one of his parents cry. He almost wished Ines didn’t care so much about him—that way he wouldn’t feel worse than he already did. Things would be easier when the time came for him to leave. But he also knew that he liked the idea that he had at least one person who cared for him here. While he believed that his family still did in the future, he had no proof of that.

After checking to see if he was alright and that he was here with her and not a figment of her imagination, Ines asked, “Did something happen?”

But Mikkel only replied with his silence. They both knew what the problem was. He knew she didn’t want to hear it and Mikkel knew he didn’t have the strength to tell her.

Ines pulled her hands away from him. She pressed her lips together and took a breath in before looking down. “You know what?” She cleared her throat and attempted to smile so that things didn’t feel as tense as they were. But it wasn’t working because Ines’s voice shook and her forehead was creased. “There are days it’s best to just forget.”

_Should we try to forget? Is it really better to forget?_

Nervous energy still radiating from her, Mikkel saw Ines make her way towards the kitchen cupboards. She grabbed a can of pineapples. “But… there’s no better comfort food than ‘Toast Hawaii’. We always had it at home when I was little, with two maraschino cherries. And my dad used to dance, like Elvis.” Ines put the can down and tried to laugh.

Mikkel opened his mouth to ask her the thing that had stayed with him since his encounter with the priest. She was the only one who might be able to give him an answer. He hadn’t dared to ask that question to Regina, Charlotte, or Aleksander. “Do you believe in God?”

Ines’s smile fell and Mikkel could see in her eyes that she hadn’t been expecting that. She nodded. “Mm hmm.”

“Do you believe he has a plan for us?”

Seeming like she wanted to choose her words wisely, or maybe just stop herself from crying, Ines hesitated before saying, “I believe… he does. I believe, for example, that God saw to it that you came to me. And that his plan for me is to be there for you.”

But if she believed that, then why did she sound so broken?

Feeling his eyes prickle with unshed tears, Mikkel felt Ines place her hands on his shoulders. She sighed and her voice wavered. “Right, let’s make ‘Toast Hawaii,’ okay?” She sniffed and walked away. “Will you help me?”

If God did exist, then what was his plan for Mikkel? Why was he sent here? Was there a reason why he had come across Ines? Was he sent back for her? Or for someone else? Had it been God who he had heard in the caves back in November? Or had it been someone else? Was Mikkel supposed to know?

Ines went to the kitchen drawers in search of a can opener. While Mikkel could tell that she had calmed down significantly compared to earlier, he could see how shaken she still was. With a lump in his throat, he walked towards her and saw her stop her movements.

And just like she had done to comfort him many times before, Mikkel placed her arms around Ines and gave her a hug. He felt the anxiety leave her body and relief enter her.

 _I’m sorry_ , he thought.

* * *

Music and laughter filled the Kahnwald home later than night.

For once, Mikkel found himself genuinely laughing. He didn’t know if it was because of Ines’s dance moves or if it was because she kept pulling the “Toast Hawaii” away from him as she sang off-key, but whatever it was, he didn’t care. There was a warmth in the air, and it made him want to stand up and start dancing.

Well, almost.

Was him enjoying this moment with Ines betrayal to his family? Was he meant to be laughing when there was the chance that his family was, at this very moment, crying for him? Was he wrong to want a moment of happiness?

No, right?

Even though Ines had turned around to start making dinner, Mikkel could’ve sworn he felt a pair of eyes staring at him from a distance. But he couldn’t see anything through the darkness.

He hoped that whoever or whatever it was didn’t judge him as harshly as he wanted to judge himself. He hoped that whoever was out there wanted Mikkel to know that it was okay to laugh. But most of all, he wanted whoever was out there to tell him that everything would be okay.

* * *

_June 25th 1987_

After the scare Mikkel had given Ines the other day, she had told him that he didn’t have to go to school.

“There’s less than a week left,” she had told him. “We all know that not much is done. I don’t think you’ll miss anything important.”

And while he didn’t think he would have much trouble going to school and talking to Regina or Charlotte, he was grateful that he didn’t have to come across Katharina and Ulrich.

Maybe it was better this way.

Not having much to do inside, but not feeling up to going to the caves just yet, Mikkel grabbed his Rubik’s cube and sat in a chair by the garden. Ever since his failed birthday wish experiment, Mikkel hadn’t touched the thing. He’d been too upset with himself for being unable to complete his goal. If he couldn’t solve that and do what he’d been determined to do, then why did he think he could find his way around the caves and go home?

As he shuffled his Rubik’s cube, Mikkel heard some footsteps by the gate before he felt someone’s stare on him.

Mikkel turned around and saw an elderly man who looked like the years hadn’t been kind to him. He wore white clothes and had white hair that slightly reminded Mikkel of Doc from _Back to the Future_. But unlike the hilarious and crazy energy that emitted from the scientist in the movies, this elderly man had a sadness to him.

“Can I help you?” Mikkel asked. The man stayed silent even though he looked like he wanted to say something. “Are you not well?”

Mikkel stood up and considered what he should do next. While common sense told Mikkel that he should go inside, lock the doors and call the police in case this old man was a crazy person ready to kill him, something in him told him to not be scared. Something about the man’s eyes made Mikkel know that he would never harm him.

Whether it was the dumbest thing he could do or not, Mikkel moved one of the chairs and invited the man to sit down. “Here, you look tired. I think you should rest.”

The man nodded and slowly made his way to the bench instead.

“I’ll get something for us to drink, okay?” Mikkel asked as he made his way through the door. “I’ll be back.”

* * *

After spending a minute or two debating with himself about what he should do, Mikkel told himself that unlike what had happened in November, should something happen, he wouldn’t freeze up and let himself be dragged by a stranger. If he had to, he would fight, bite, kick, and punch. But as he poured the orange juice into the two cups, Mikkel thought about how he didn’t feel like he was in danger.

_But I didn’t feel in danger when I was with Jonas and look where it landed me._

With two glasses in hand, Mikkel made his way to the table. He handed the old man one glass and sat next to him. Since Mikkel was closer to the door, should anything happen, he could run inside and call for help.

“Thanks,” the old man said before he gulped down his drink. Mikkel drank some juice before staring at the old man.

Now that Mikkel was close to him, for some strange reason, he realized that rather than make him feel scared, the man made him feel comforted. It wasn’t exactly the same way Ines made him feel; no, this one seemed more familiar. Observing the man’s side profile almost gave Mikkel a sense of déjà vu. “You seem familiar somehow.”

What Mikkel said seemed to have caught the old man a little off guard; a mixture of surprise and hesitation was written in his eyes as he stared at Mikkel. Mikkel knew that whatever the man was about to say had to be something important because he looked as though he was struggling to find the right words. “I’ve waited over thirty-three years for this moment.”

And suddenly, that sense of déjà vu intensified.

Thirty-three years… that’s how far back Mikkel had been sent. It couldn’t be coincidence that this man, whoever he was, had been waiting thirty-three years for this exact moment. And the more Mikkel stared at him, the more he realized that he had seen this man before. There was something about his nose and his blue eyes that reminded Mikkel of—

The old man grabbed the empty glass cup and flipped it over. With his eyes on the glass, he said, “The question is not how, but when. You said that. Remember?”

Feeling a lump in his throat, Mikkel nodded. Of course he did; those were the last words he told his father before going to school. Despite everything that had happened, Mikkel could never forget that phrase, much less forget his father.

His father wrapped his arms tightly around Mikkel and he started crying. Mikkel’s eyes watered and like he’d longed to do since November, he hugged his father back as tight as he could. “Papa.”

He never wanted to let go.

* * *

_Papa found me. I’m going home._

But for that to happen, they needed to leave this bench, which meant that the hug would end.

He would have to let go of his father for a little bit. But Mikkel didn’t want to let go, because the moment he did, he knew that something bad was going to happen.

“Mikkel,” his father said through a sob of relief. “I found you, I found you. I’m so sorry I’m so late, but I’m here now, I’m here.”

Mikkel tightened his grip on his father and he shook his head. “I’m sorry I left.” There was so much he wanted to say, to ask, to forget, to apologize for. He closed his eyes and his voice wavered. “Papa, I—”

His father broke the hug to place his wrinkled hands on Mikkel’s cheeks. Tears ran down Mikkel’s face; he had begun to forget how warm his father’s hands were.

“Mikkel, listen to me. We need to leave now before they catch us.” His puzzled expression made it clear to his father than Mikkel had no idea who he was talking about. “Once we get to the caves and go through the door, I’ll tell you everything. But we need to go now.” He stood up and grabbed Mikkel’s hand. “I’m taking you home. We’re finally going home.”

_We’re going home._

* * *

They were running.

Even if his father had told him at some point to just run and leave him behind, Mikkel couldn’t do it. They were going home together; no one was staying behind. Every so often, Mikkel tightened his grip around his father’s hand, afraid that something would happen to him, because despite how well his father was keeping up, with his old age anything could happen. There was no way they were going to take risks now.

They were doing fine until the police sirens rang. That was when Mikkel panicked and slowed down. Unlike him, his father began running faster and pulling Mikkel towards him. Mikkel knew that although he had never been a fast runner, he would have to put all his energy to making it home. He couldn’t slow down now, not after finally seeing his father.

They were so close. They just needed to run a little more. The caves’ entrance was right there.

But then there was a gunshot and a voice that said, “Stop! Freeze!”

And Mikkel’s heart stopped and fell to his stomach.

He was getting the same sensation he got in his nightmares.

“Michael!” Mikkel heard Ines yell.

“Let the boy go!” shouted a police officer.

“No!” His father tried to protect him. But it was no use—they were surrounded.

“Get on the ground!”

“Michael!” With panic written all over her face, Ines tried to run towards him, but an older man stopped her.

“You don’t get it!” his father shouted while he shielded Mikkel behind his back.

“Get down!”

“He’s my son.”

This all felt like a nightmare. This _was_ a nightmare.

Mikkel had to say something, he had to let the police know the truth even if it sounded crazy, even if his father looked older than he should’ve been, even if he got hurt, they had to know...

But the sounds were too loud and confusing, and everywhere he looked made him feel dizzy. It was getting harder to breathe and to think.

“I said get down now!” ordered another police officer.

His father got down and Mikkel knew then that everything was over. The police officers quickly pulled him away.

He wanted to throw up. He wanted to cry. He wanted to close his eyes and wake up.

_Please tell me this is a nightmare._

He knew—hoped—that at any moment, the black substance that haunted his dreams would come and turn this into one of his many nightmares. It just had to appear and then he would be scared and know exactly what he had to do. He just needed to close his eyes and wake up gasping. It would be as simple as that.

But the one time he wanted the substance to appear, it was nowhere to be found.

_This isn’t happening, this is just a nightmare… right?_

_Right?_

It didn’t help that Ines and Papa—was he even his papa?—were constantly changing his name.

Was he Mikkel? Was he Michael? Was he both or neither? Was this real? Was he real?

What was going on?

“Mikkel!” his father yelled while being handcuffed.

Ines ran to Mikkel and with trembling arms, tightly embraced him. “Michael! Michael.”

His father desperately said, “Mikkel, I’ll be back. I’ll take you home. I promise. I promise.”

Mikkel felt Ines’s hands on his face, trying to bring him back to her. But Mikkel could only keep his eyes on his father’s figure as he was being sent away. He saw him tell the older police officer something, but Mikkel could only think of one thing.

This hadn’t been a nightmare… not like the other ones. Unlike his many nightmares, this time it was Mikkel who had stayed quiet, who had let some greater force take him from his family.

Why hadn’t he said anything? Why had he stayed silent? Why did he let them take his father away? Why was he letting Ines hug him? Why hadn’t he woken up before things gotten like this? Why had he been stupid enough to think that this was a dream? Why had he let this chance slip away? Why?

“Mikkel!”

Oh _God_ , what did he do?


	11. Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s my mother’s birthday today.”
> 
> Even though a few hours had passed since Michael had utter those words with a haunted voice, Ines’s head kept playing them on an endless loop.
> 
> Today was one of those days…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, I want to thank sealandreich, rosabell14, GaboBlue1004, and Tricia_Guima for your comments. CaLeTaTa thanks for the comment and the kudos :) And thank you to everyone who reads this fic as well :)
> 
> This week's chapter is from Ines's POV. Next week's will be Hannah's and then I'm thinking of going back to Ines and then Hannah again (Mikkel, like the attention seeker he is, got a lot of "screen" time so he'll be gone for a while, lol). 
> 
> Anyway, this week's chapter was... a challenge. Ines's chapters are always a challenge, but this time it was even more so. While I know I can be a little dramatic, I'm not kidding when I say (write) that every time I sat down to write her chapter, my mind would stop functioning and I felt sleepy, even if my mind had been clear before and I had notes to help me write. I don't know how many times I had to rewrite something because it made absolutely no sense when I read it to myself. I don't know what that says about me or the characters, but either I really got into Mikkel's character and didn't realize it, or Ines was playing tricks with my brain. So if there's anything that doesn't make sense in this chapter, please let me know and I'll fix it/explain. 
> 
> Without further ado, I hope you like the chapter! Enjoy the reading and remember to take care :)

_June 22nd 1987_

“It’s my mother’s birthday today.”

Even though a few hours had passed since Michael had utter those words with a haunted voice, Ines’s head kept playing them on an endless loop.

Today was one of _those_ days…

Ines always tried to not let it get to her. She knew that Michael hadn’t meant any harm by it. He was too much of a sweet and good-natured boy to hurt her or anyone else. Ines _knew_ that. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t bother her that things weren’t as easy as she had expected them to be.

In all honesty, Ines hadn’t thought that Michael’s parents would be such a problem between them. Much to her disappointment, his past was always there, haunting them and threatening to destroy everything. And even though Ines knew that the past could never be truly forgotten, she tried not to think about it. But no matter what Ines did, her mind always found a way to wander back to Michael’s past.

She knew that there would be things she would never know about him, things that he wouldn’t want to think or talk about. And to an extent, she was fine with that. His well-being and happiness meant more to her. She understood that he would never be happy if he was forced to relive the past; Michael was meant to live in the now. But Ines would be lying if she hadn’t been curious to know more about his past, if only to understand him a little bit better and make things easier.

Ines knew that her and Michael had all the time in the world to get to know each other and grow as mother and son. But Ines wanted them to have the connection that other parents had with their children by the time they were Michael’s age… the type of connection she was sure she would’ve had with her Michael had God’s plan been another.

When Ines thought about what things she and Michael could talk about, she tried to remember the type of conversations she’d had with her mother when Ines had been Michael’s age. And although she knew that the relationship between a son and a mother wasn’t the same as one between a daughter and a mother, Ines still hoped that Michael would eventually share things with her about his life. She hoped that, just as she had done with her mother, Michael would share with her his dreams and his fears, what made him happy and what made him sad, which classmates he liked or didn’t like and why, or anything he wanted to talk about. Like she had told him several times before: he could share things with her, and she would keep them a secret; nobody would have to know. She just wanted him to feel like he could trust her. 

That was why, when he had told her that he was having nightmares, a small part of Ines had been happy because it meant that they were growing closer. It wasn’t to say that she hadn’t been sad that he was in pain, but she couldn’t help but feel like they were making progress.

But regardless of how excited she was about the small progress that they were making, another part of her felt cheated. Even if his family wasn’t physically present with them, they would always be around, robbing Ines and Michael of their happiness.

How many times had Ines looked into his eyes during what could’ve been a happy moment, only for her to see sadness in them? How many times hadn’t she noticed the hold the past had on him, dragging him down with it? How many times hadn’t she wondered what she could do to make him feel better? To make him feel at peace? How many times hadn’t she prayed for him to finally be free and to give her a smile? There was nothing that pained Ines more than Michael giving her those sad smiles of his. After all, which mother didn’t want her child to smile and be happy?

Before Michael had shared with her his problem, Ines had suspected that something had been bothering him… well, something more than usual. No matter what they were doing or where they were at, when he thought she wasn’t looking, the small smile that would be on his lips would fall and his eyes would be elsewhere. But what was even more terrible was that Ines couldn’t decide whether she would’ve preferred if his nightmares had been about school, or if she actually preferred his nightmares to be about his family.

On one hand, if his problems had been regarding school, then it meant that she could do something about it. But on the other hand, if his problems were about his past, then, under Ines’s care, Michael would eventually see that his parents had never cared for him as much as she cared for him.

Ines hated his parents for making her think like that, for making her compete against ghosts.

Ines hated it and she supposed that Michael, at some level, felt this way as well.

Ines knew that for a long time—if not always—, she would have to compete against his parents. She had to compete against people who could’ve forever ruined what he thought parents were supposed to be like. And maybe, to an extent, he also felt like he had to compete against her Michael. But there was a difference between their battles. While Michael might feel like he had to compete against her Michael, Ines had to compete with people who had spent eleven years with Michael. These were people who may have caused irreparable damage to him. And because of them, Ines now had to second guess herself and her actions.

She knew that Michael had an easier time. Ines hadn’t had any time with her Michael to learn all his cues, likes, dislikes, and mannerisms, or even share any moments together to associate or recreate them with Michael. Yes, she’d had years to imagine what her Michael would’ve been like, but it had been nothing but wishful thinking. And like with people, wishes change. Ines no longer wished for the time she had lost because her Michael wasn’t in her life. She was now wishing for the time she would get to enjoy with this Michael when he was free of his ghosts. Ines looked forward to that every day. She hoped that one day he could be happy and free.

It wasn’t to say that Ines wasn’t happy. She really was happy that Michael was in her life, ghosts or no ghosts. She would forever be grateful for whatever circumstances had brought her to him. Having him in her life had given her a purpose, a new reason to be, something to look forward to as she aged. And she wanted to believe that the same was true for him. She was sure that Michael could now experience the things that he hadn’t been able to in his past, things that he might’ve longed for, things that had been nothing but dreams.

But it still wasn’t the same.

Even though Michael still had a lot to experience in his life, there were many things that he and Ines would never share together as mother and child. She knew that there were things that parents always looked forward to when a baby arrived to their lives. And while she still had some of those milestones, some important ones were gone. Things like his first words, his first steps, his first day of school, his first birthday, and his first loose tooth, were some of the things that she would never get to experience with him. She knew it really shouldn’t have mattered, but it did. She knew how important they were when it came to bonding between parents and children.

What were the chances that his parents hadn’t cared about that? That they hadn’t celebrated it like they should’ve? That they had made him feel like he wasn’t important?

Ines knew that if she had been his real mother, just as if he had been her real Michael, she would’ve looked forward and celebrated all those milestones. After her Michael had been taken away from her by God, Ines had wondered how different things would’ve been if he had been next to her. It made her wonder about which milestone he would’ve reached or what they would’ve been experiencing together as a family. And now God had given Ines another opportunity; she could reach some of those moments with Michael. But to get there, they had to move on.

Ines and Michael needed to be in the now.

_The past is the past and now is now._

* * *

Something was off.

Ines only needed to get inside her home to know so.

Frowning, she turned on the lights and looked around.

“Michael?” she asked, hoping that he would show up and greet her like he usually did. Most times, when she arrived home from work, Ines would find Michael sitting at the dining table doing his homework. The times when he wasn’t there, she would already know that he was doing his homework in his room. But recently, Ines had noticed that if he did happen to be in his room, there was a high chance that he wasn’t doing homework as much as he was sleeping.

Pushing away the guilt that wanted to take over, Ines called his name again. But like before, there was no response.

Placing a trembling hand on the banister, Ines took a deep breath in.

_He must be sleeping… that’s why he’s not answering. He could’ve fallen asleep listening to music... Wait, did I get him a Walkman for Christmas? No, right? Or did I?_

Ines slowly made her way up the stairs until she was right in front of his door.

Knocking a little louder than she normally did, Ines said, “Michael, I’m home.” Like before, she didn’t get a reply. “I’m coming in.”

To her surprise, the room was empty, the only signs that he had been there were his unmade bed and his pajamas on the floor. The sight reminded Ines of Michael’s first night at the hospital.

Ines’s heart fell to her stomach and she breathed in sharply. Her eyes darted to the window and found that it was closed.

Placing a hand on her forehead, Ines tried to think of what she had to do next as she left the room.

“Michael?” she asked again, her voice growing more desperate. “Michael?”

Ines searched all through the rooms in the house, even if it was clear that Michael wasn’t here.

Why was she wasting time searching around the house when it meant that the longer she took looking for him, the farther away he could be? Why was she wasting her time calling out to an empty home when she could be calling people who might help her?

She grabbed the phone and was about to call the police, but her fingers shook too much to dial the number. Resting her creased forehead against the wall, Ines took in several deep breaths in through her nose and let them out slowly through her mouth.

After calming down, Ines decided it was best to call his school instead of the police. Maybe someone had noticed something different in him. Maybe he had some afterschool work to do, or maybe someone had invited him over for dinner.

Those were possibilities…

…right?

* * *

After calling the school and finding out that Michael had never shown up for the day, Ines’s nerves skyrocketed.

Did something happen? What if something _had_ happened? What if she never saw him again? Did she do something wrong? Did she miss some signs? Did she say the wrong thing? Did he go back to his family? Was he talking to his mother at this moment? What if he got hurt and nobody could help him? What if he had gotten lost? What was Ines going to do?

Considering her choices one by one, Ines lighted a cigarette and began smoking.

She could call the police; they would know what to do. Or would they? They had yet to find Mads Nielsen and that was someone everyone knew in town.

What if Ines called his friends? Did he even have any? He had mentioned Claudia’s daughter not that long ago, but Ines really wondered if they were friends. Should she call the Tiedemann home? No, right?

What if she called his classmates? That could work, no? But it wasn’t like he had ever mentioned any names, much less their phone numbers. Besides, had he gone to a friend’s or classmate’s house, he would’ve called and left a message on the answering machine, right?

Where else could he have gone to if not school?

_Not to visit his mother, right?_

Did he really miss his family that much? Why would he miss a family that hadn’t bothered looking for him, not even after he had come into her life seven months ago? Why would he miss people who clearly didn’t care about him like she cared about him? Why would he miss those people when he had her?

_Because sometimes we miss things and people who aren’t good for us. Because sometimes we don’t know what’s best for us._

But what if he had left because of what she had said this morning?

_I was only trying to help._

What if he had decided to leave her because he felt like he was a burden to her?

One of the last things she wanted to make him feel was like he was indebted to her or that he was a burden. He would never feel like a bother to her. She knew she would never be able to convey how much happiness it brought her to have met him and have him in her life. And because she knew that she wouldn’t be able to express those emotions in words, she tried to do small things that she knew all mothers did for their children.

Ines always made sure to greet him in the mornings, and she always made sure to ask about his day. She always paid attention to which foods he liked and which ones he didn’t. And she always made sure to let him know that she was there for him, that he wasn’t alone.

Had her words and actions from the morning not been enough?

Should she have done something else? Should she have said something else?

Was he waiting for her to go find him? Did he want her to find him? Should Ines go or should she stay and wait for him?

What was she supposed to do? Why was God playing with her? What did God want from her?

Was this what Jana must’ve felt like when Mads disappeared? Did she still go through these feelings every day, hoping that her son will come back to her safe and sound after being gone for so long? Did she wonder if he was alive? If he was safe? If he was happy? Did she think about that every single minute of her life?

Why would God do such a thing? 

Ines had already lost one son; she couldn’t bear to lose another one.

_Please, bring him back to me. I will do anything to have him back._

* * *

Ines was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed how much time had passed since she had sat down and began smoking cigarette after cigarette until she heard the front door opening.

He was home.

He came back to her.

Ines hugged him tighter than she had ever done before, afraid that he would leave again, that he would disappear and never come back.

To calm herself more than to cheer him up, Ines said, “You know what? There are days it’s best to just forget.”

Today was definitely one of those days.

She would much rather prefer if they forgot about it and pretended like it hadn’t been real, like it had been nothing but a dream.

Trying to lighten the mood, Ines rambled about “Toast Hawaii” and Elvis. Maybe they just needed a distraction.

“Do you believe in God?” Michael asked out of the blue. He looked at her with eyes that said more than words could ever say.

Did she believe in God?

Yes, even if there were moments that tested her faith.

She looked at him and nodded. “Mm hmm.”

“Do you believe he has a plan for us?”

Ines considered the question as she struggled to find the right words.

This was something she had often wondered about but had yet to find an answer.

Was there a plan? Did she believe there was one? Was there a reason for all the pain and suffering she and others had to endure? Was she meant to know? Did she want to know? Would it change anything? What was the goal of it all? Happiness? Peace?

She really didn’t know.

But seeing how sad Michael was, Ines decided that she would give him an answer. It was the only thing she could do for him right now, the only thing that could ease his worries and hopefully provide him some comfort. It was the only way for her to be there for him. “I believe… he does. I believe, for example, that God saw to it that you came to me. And that his plan for me is to be there for you.”

Feeling like she was about to cry, Ines tried to regain composure by saying, “Right, let’s make ‘Toast Hawaii,’ okay? Will you help me?” And she went back to the kitchen to find a can opener, only stopping when she heard him get near her.

It wasn’t until Michael wrapped his arms around her that Ines finally let herself calm down and let all her worries melt away.

God had been merciful to her.

Michael was with her again.

* * *

_June 23rd 1987_

After the scare from the day before, Ines thought it was best if she and Michael stayed home. Not only did she think they needed the break, but she also thought that this was a good way for her to keep an eye on him. He would be safe here, and everything would be under control.

Nothing unexpected could happen.

One thing she hadn’t been expecting at all was a visit from Egon Tiedemann. She couldn’t remember ever having him visit her parents when she was a child.

“Egon,” Ines said, standing by the door. “It’s good to see you. What brings you here?”

“Hello, Ines,” Egon said. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Ines raised her eyebrows; she could probably count the amount of times she had ever needed to talk to Egon in her life. Although there was something that she didn’t quite like about his visit, Ines knew how impolite it would be to leave him standing outside. Ines stepped aside to let him come in.

While Egon was sitting down at the dining table, Ines was preparing coffee for them. She was thankful he hadn’t started talking; she needed this time to think about what this visit could mean. What could be so important that Egon Tiedemann had to come to her home and talk to her?

Once the coffee was ready, she handed him his cup and sat down next to him.

“So just what are you doing here?” Ines asked.

“I’m merely trying to fill in some gaps in a few old files,” Egon replied, keeping his eyes on her. “Just to order things. I’d like to talk to the boy.”

Hoping he didn’t notice her slight discomfort, Ines said, “Michael’s asleep.”

“During the day?”

Replying more quickly than she would’ve under other circumstances, Ines said with a tight-lipped smile, “He wasn’t feeling well.”

“Has he ever said anything to you about his parents?”

Ines shook her head and avoided his gaze. Even though it was no secret that Egon Tiedemann wasn’t the quickest man in Winden, Ines had never been one to dismiss him as a complete fool. Unlike her father, who liked to make fun of Egon on occasion, or her mother, who thought of him as a laughingstock, Ines had always felt that, while slow, Egon must’ve been a little bit smart if he had a daughter like Claudia. Everyone knew that Claudia was probably, at least academically speaking, the smartest person in Winden. Who hadn’t been jealous of her at one point or another?

Ines laced her fingers together and played with her thumbs. Rather than answer his question and admit that Michael had indeed mentioned his parents in two or three occasions, Ines decided to take a different approach. “Michael wants to put that all behind him. He has a new life now.” And she wasn’t wrong; if what she believed was right, then this new life was better for him. She knew that at some level, he wanted to put the past behind him as much as she wanted.

Egon lowered his cup. “Has he ever mentioned their names to you?”

_Same question, different approach._

Egon Tiedemann was definitely smarter than her father had ever given him credit for. Ines kept her eyes away from him and stayed silent, hoping that Egon might’ve been drinking again… maybe he wouldn’t be able to see right through her.

“First names? Nicknames?” he insisted.

Ines briefly looked at him before shaking her head as she took a sip from her coffee. She hoped that would be the end of this. But very much like Claudia, though in a less forceful way than his daughter, Egon persisted.

“The name Ulrich? He hasn’t mentioned that to you either?”

Ines coughed lightly and covered her mouth with her hand.

_Yes, he has mentioned that name._

But she wasn’t going to say that; after all, he had spoken about Jana’s son, not his father.

Buying herself some time, Ines gently cleared her throat and shook her head.

But Egon wasn’t done; his piercing stare told her that much.

_Maybe Claudia got it from him._

This was it; Egon was going to tell her that she was hiding something. She was about to lose everything important.

_I should’ve expected this. Nothing good lasts forever._

But when Egon opened his mouth, the words that came out weren’t what she had been expecting at all. “Has he ever… talked about a ‘White Devil’?”

Now she could see why people thought the man was crazy.

Feeling her patience starting to run thin, Ines replied, “No. I don’t understand what the point of all these questions is.”

“Perhaps I can talk to him tomorrow?”

Not particularly liking the idea but knowing that by saying the wrong words things could go badly for them, Ines sighed and gave Egon one of the fakest smiles she had ever given anyone. “Yes.”

“Fine. If anything else comes to mind, just give me a call.” Egon wrote on a piece of paper, and Ines tried to not let her displeasure be too obvious.

“All right.” She took the paper and they got up. She was relieved that he was finally leaving and letting her enjoy her day. But all Ines had to do was lift her gaze from the ground and see Egon’s face to feel the tension and anxiety come back to her.

Lying open on the table by the stairs, ready to be seen by the whole world, was a box of Flurazepam pills.

_Shit._

Looking at her with concern, Egon picked up the box to examine it. Before he could put two and two together, Ines cleared her throat and said, “I, um… I’ve been sleeping badly again.” She took the pills away from Egon, desperately hoping that he would buy her story. “Nightmares.”

“One more thing,” Egon began. What else did he want? “Do you maybe have a photo of the boy? Just for the files.”

Not even bothering hiding how fed up she was with his visit, Ines sighed. She went and grabbed the first photograph she could find of Michael.

She turned around and saw that Egon had his eyes on the second floor… right where Michael was. Directing his attention back onto her, Ines cleared her throat. “Just for the files, right?”

Egon took the photo and flipped it over to study it. He nodded. “Just for the files.” He placed the photo inside his little notebook and proceeded to walk away.

* * *

That was too close, way too close.

What if Egon suspected something? What if he misunderstood? What if he thought she was drugging Michael? Which was absurd because Ines wasn’t drugging Michael; she was just helping him. She was doing what any mother would do for her child.

It wasn’t like Ines hadn’t thought about other ways to help Michael. But what could she do?

He just needed sleep, right?

Ines’s grip on the medicine box tightened. She knew that Michael needed more than just sleep, but she was doing the best she could.

It hadn’t been a light decision at all. Ines had spent a lot of time contemplating what she should do regarding his well-being.

Ines knew that for Michael to get the help he needed, she would have to take him to a therapist who would then refer him to a psychiatrist. But Michael was a quiet kid who only spoke to her. It wasn’t like he told her much though; Ines knew that he held back for her sake. Ines had figure that, if he didn’t open up to her and she was someone he felt comfortable with, then what were the chances that he would willingly share his troubles with a complete stranger? 

And so, Ines had spent days, if not weeks, thinking about what she could do to help him. While she had known that things wouldn’t be perfect, she had thought that he would be doing a lot better under her care. And she thought he had… at least compared to how he had been doing the first days at the hospital. But it hadn’t been hard for her to notice how easily the small things affected him. Something as simple as going to school made him far too nervous, even if she had reassured him that nothing would hurt him. Just seeing that had let Ines know that he needed help. It wasn’t normal.

Unlike Michael, Ines hadn’t ever had the intense desire to skip school. As a child, she might’ve thrown a tantrum about wanting to stay home and play or not wanting to go to school and take a test, but Ines had always looked forward to going to school. Unlike Claudia, who seemed to only want to go to study and become the number one student, Ines had liked school for more social purposes. Which was all the harder for her to see the opposite in Michael. She was sure he could be the brightest kid in class as well as one of the friendliest.

Michael was a smart kid; Ines could tell just by looking at his eyes. And if his immense knowledge about Houdini had told her anything about him in the hospital, it was that he was a kid who was eager to learn and share his knowledge with others. And if she needed more proof of that, then she only needed to think about how fast he could solve the Rubik’s cube. But he wasn’t just smart; he was also kind and thoughtful. Ines didn’t know what his life had been like before he had stumbled into her life, but she wanted to believe that he was thoughtful because he was naturally inclined to do so and not because someone had given him no choice but to be like that.

_If only his ghosts could let him be…_

Ines knew that there were things that worried him, things that no child should have to worry about. She didn’t dare ask if this was the result of years of what she assumed to be neglect and abuse, but it worried her how anxious and restless he could get. If his eyes didn’t give him away with those bags and dark circles, then his lonely stare or how tense he was did. She, or most adults, would understand that it wasn’t something he could control. But children… that was a different story.

Children could be as perceptive as they could be mean, whether they meant to or not.

Ines only had to think about what had happened to Helge Doppler.

Everyone knew what had happened to him. Ines remembered how, despite Helge him being the son of the richest and most powerful man in Winden, children—herself included—had gossiped about him before and after his kidnapping. Other children had been less subtle about their comments—some had been outright cruel to Helge. Many had mocked and ridiculed him, even more so after seeing his deformed ear.

Ines didn’t want that for Michael.

If he went to a therapist, people would eventually find out and make fun of him. She already had the suspicion that kids made fun of him for being adopted, even if he never told her about it. The last thing Michael needed was for his life to become harder than it already had been. Did he really need another label on him? Did he need for his present life to become a nightmare like his past one had been?

That was why Ines knew she had to do what she thought was best for him.

At one point, she had thought about asking him whether he would like some medicine to help him sleep and reduce his anxiety. But knowing how he would get, about him feeling like a burden for making her worry and then claiming that he was fine, Ines knew she had to make that decision herself.

Ines had wondered what the best ways were to test her idea out without him knowing. And after a lot of thought and careful consideration, she had decided on mixing the pills with his hot cocoa. The first few times, she had made sure to keep the dose low, just in case Michael had a reaction to it and she needed to act quickly. She had made sure to keep an eye on him throughout the night, as a precaution. Luckily for them, nothing had happened. Once that had been handled, all Ines had had to do was make the hot cocoa in a way that he could enjoy it. And it worked; not only did he like his hot cocoa, but he had fewer bags under his eyes. Ines had already decided that she would stop doing that once she felt like he was in a much better state. She knew she wouldn’t be able to do this forever.

However, if things really got tough for him, and she couldn’t help him, then she would get him other help.

But if things did get to that point, what did that say about her and her mothering skills?

* * *

_June 25th 1987_

Although the hospital hallway was deserted, Ines still looked around her as she made her way to the medicine cupboard. After inserting her keys and unlocking the cupboard, Ines grabbed a box of sleeping pills. Rather than take the box with her, she opened it and took several packs of pills. She discreetly slipped the medicine into her right pocket. She was about to close the door when she heard a voice coming her way.

“Hello, Ines,” Nurse Ina said.

Startled but still able to think quickly, Ines grabbed a bottle of iodine. She quickly closed the cupboard and said, “Ina! Hello.” Just to make sure that Ina didn’t suspect anything, Ines showed her the bottle. “We’re out of iodine again.”

Ina nodded. Ines, not wanting to let her thoughts run wild, started walk away a little faster than normal.

_There’s no reason for her to get suspicious._

“Have you heard?” Ina asked.

Ines turned around, her heart pounding too loudly. She tried smiling.

Ina put her hands in her pockets and got close to Ines. She whispered, “A guy escaped from the loony bin.”

Suddenly, the hospital seemed colder than usual. The smile that had been on Ines’s face fell and her eyes widened.

“They say he killed two kids in the 1950s, and beat another half to death. He’s on his last legs himself now, but they say to be vigilant.”

* * *

As soon as she could, Ines had left the hospital faster than she’d ever had.

_Oh God, please let nothing happen to Michael. Please don’t let that madman hurt him._

Hadn’t that man been responsible for what had happened to Helge? What other things had he done to Helge that Helge never spoke of?

“Michael?” she asked as soon as she stepped inside her home. But very much like the other day, Ines got no response. She dropped her keys and purse on the chair by the stairs, desperately hoping that that noise would get him to answer back. She walked towards the stairs landing and spoke louder this time. “Michael?”

The hand she had on the rail slowly fell, and she found it hard to breathe.

Where was he?

Ines looked around until she noticed that the door to the garden was open.

Maybe he was just playing outside. Maybe he wanted to appreciate the weather. Maybe he was reading. Maybe he was playing with the Rubik’s cube. Or maybe he had fallen asleep.

Ines slowly made her way to the garden, her nervousness making her body shake.

“Michael?”

Her eyes landed on the garden table.

There were two cups on the table: one had juice, the other one was empty.

Ines’s blood went cold.

Someone had been here.

Someone had taken her son.

The madman had come and taken Michael away.

“No,” Ines whispered aloud as she hurriedly made her way inside. “Please no. Please, not him. Let it be anyone but him.”

She was going to lose him. She was going to lose her son. Her Michael.

Finding the paper Egon had given her two days ago, Ines grabbed the phone and called him. Her voice wavered and she struggled to get the words out. “Egon, it’s Ines. I know it sounds strange, but… I just got home and Michael isn’t here and… The man who broke out of the psychiatric ward…”

“Which man from the psychiatric ward?” Egon asked quickly, worry evident in his voice.

“It was on the radio today. Do you remember the children on the construction site in 1953? The man, he escaped.”

And although Egon didn’t sound as panicked as she felt, Ines could still hear the change in his voice. “I’ll call the police station at once. I might know where they’re heading. I’ll come pick you up.”

* * *

Ines didn’t waste any time getting into Egon’s car, her mind having created all sorts of dark scenarios involving Michael and the madman. God only knew what the monster wanted to do to Michael.

“Where are they going?” Ines asked desperately.

“The caves,” Egon replied as he drove, the police sirens wailing behind them.

“The caves?”

If the madman took Michael there, and did whatever he was going to do to him before killing him, then there was a chance his body would never be found.

She wasn’t going to let that happen.

The moment the car stopped, Ines got out and ran faster than the police officers. She hadn’t run this fast since she was a schoolgirl. Even if her legs burned, even if she was sweaty, even if she was out of breath, Ines didn’t stop running.

She had to save him.

And she was going to.

* * *

When Ines saw the madman dragging Michael to the caves, one of the many thoughts that came through her mind was how ghost-like the man looked. His unhinged expression, his unkempt white hair, and his old patient clothes reminded her of nothing but a ghost. She knew that he would be forever ingrained in her mind, that he would be haunting her forever late at night. 

A ghost was taking from Ines the only family she had.

A ghost was taking Michael away.

And what was worse was that the ghost kept shouting the one truth that Ines had hoped would’ve stayed in the past, the one thing that made everything worse.

“MIKKEL!”

It was the same name that sometimes haunted her at night.

* * *

_He’s safe. He’s with me. I have my son with me._

Ines didn’t let go of Michael. She kept her arms around him, keeping him safe in her arms, grounding him to the present. She didn’t let go when the police tried to talk to them, and she didn’t let go until they were safe and sound inside the comfort of their home.

After she carried him to his room and made sure he was physically okay, Ines finally let go of him.

“I’m so glad you’re safe, Michael,” Ines said with a lump in her throat. “I really thought I was going to lose you.”

Michael said nothing, but Ines didn’t need his words to know what he was thinking.

_Today is one of those days that is best forgotten. The past is the past, and now is now._

Holding back tears, she sniffed. “I’ll be back with some hot cocoa, okay?”

Ines left his door open and made her way to the kitchen.

As she prepared the hot cocoa, Ines let her mind wander.

Today, she almost lost him. Today, Ines had been close to losing another son. Today, God had been on her side. But… is this what God wanted? Was this part of the plan? Did Ines do the right thing? What did Michael think? Did he even want to talk about today? Did he know why they had been heading to the caves? Had he told the madman his name? Was that man really his father? That’s impossible, though… right? Was time travel real?

Should she ask him about it?

Ines grabbed a pill and hesitated before pouring it into the drink.

 _No, time travel isn’t real_ , she thought with the faintest of smiles. _Michael just has an overactive imagination; the madman took advantage of that._

What had happened today would never happen again.

The ghosts were going to stay in the past.

Ines would make sure of that.


	12. All alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are my friends having fun without me right now?
> 
> WITHOUT A DOUBT
> 
> Did Katharina forget to call me?
> 
> MOST LIKELY
> 
> She scowled and clenched her jaw.
> 
> Is Ulrich thinking about me now?
> 
> MY REPLY IS NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank sealandreich, GaboBlue1004, CaLeTaTa, and Tricia_Guima for your comments and thanks to purpledreamr, appleturnoversandstrudel, and dudaa for the kudos ^_^ thanks to the guests who left kudos ^_^ And thank you to everyone who reads this fic as well :) it means a lot to me.
> 
> This week's chapter is from Hannah's POV. I missed writing her POV. It's been forever...  
> This chapter covers her screen time in season 2 as well as what she did during the summer of '87. I know it's not eventful but I think it'll help the story in the long run. I try to keep things as canon compliant as I can but I did take some "artistic liberties" in one part. Please let me know if you noticed what that was (it's something small).
> 
> On another note: the next chapter might come later than usual (hopefully two weeks max.) because I have some things to do next week and may not have the time to write the whole chapter. But I will keep writing (I'm having too much fun writing to stop now).
> 
> I hope you like the chapter! Enjoy the reading and remember to take care :)

_June 22nd 1987_

It was no secret that Katharina’s mother became more violent on Katharina’s birthday. Hannah and her friends knew better than to make any comments about it, than to stare at Katharina’s bruises. Instead, they always acted like nothing was wrong, like the bruises weren’t there for everyone to see, and most importantly, they always let Katharina start the conversation and say whatever she wanted to say.

“Are we still having the party this weekend?” Katharina asked. Despite the large bruise on her face, she seemed to be doing fine.

Ingrid grinned and nodded. “It’ll be heavy.”

“Do you think Klaus would make a fool of himself again?” Hannah chimed in.

Shaking her head, Ingrid laughed. “I wish we could’ve recorded it; that way I could watch it over and over again.”

Katharina chuckled. “I’d pay good money for that.”

Although Hannah had noticed someone standing in front of them, she hadn’t paid much attention until Katharina bumped into him. And low and behold, it was none other than Michael Kahnwald.

_Well, great._

“Out of my way, douchebag!” Hannah heard Katharina spat at Michael, her good mood completely gone. Even though Michael had made sure to keep his distance from Katharina, and Hannah was pretty sure Katharina had mostly forgotten about him, getting in Katharina’s way in her birthday was never a good idea. Hannah hoped Michael remembered what she had told him back in March.

Luckily for him, Katharina kept on walking and muttering curses under her breath, her hands clutching her boombox.

Curious to see Michael’s expression, Hannah slowed down and turned around to stare at him.

His expression was unreadable, not because there was no emotion, but because his face was conveying something Hannah couldn’t understand. She hoped that he would eventually feel her eyes on him.

Ever since Hannah had pointed how hard he made it for anyone to be his friend, Michael now didn’t keep his eyes on the floor as often as before. Because of this, Hannah and Michael had gotten good at exchanging secret glances and smiles in the hallways or in the courtyard; they’d even managed to exchange a few words when no one was around. But unlike those glances and smiles they had begun to exchange as of late, today his eyes were only on Katharina.

Why?

Was he _that_ scared of Katharina?

No, his look wasn’t one of fear… but it clearly wasn’t one of happiness either. And it most certainly wasn’t one like how Ulrich looked at Katharina.

Then what was it?

“Hannah, come on!” Katharina called out impatiently.

Not even with Katharina calling out for her did Michael move his gaze from Katharina onto Hannah. Hoping that Katharina hadn’t noticed who she’d been staring at, Hannah ran to Katharina’s side.

Glaring at her, Katharina demanded, “What are you staring at?”

Hannah shrugged and kept her eyes down. Although she could feel Katharina’s gaze on her, Hannah didn’t want to share her secret with her. And for once, luck was on her side because the school bell rang and saved her from having to come up with a lie.

The hallways became empty until the only ones remaining were Katharina and Hannah. Instead of making her way to their class, Katharina walked somewhere else.

Where was Katharina going? As far as Hannah was aware, Ulrich was nowhere in sight.

“Where are you going?” Hannah asked, following Katharina like a shadow.

“To the bathroom,” Katharina replied, rolling her eyes.

In case she happened to be lying and was skipping class with Ulrich, Hannah said, “We’ll be late for class.” Not that it mattered; no one ever did anything this late during the school year.

Stopping in front of the bathroom door, Katharina scowled at Hannah. “Did I tell you to come with me?”

Feeling herself shrink under Katharina’s intense gaze, Hannah shook her head rapidly. She chewed on her lip while she struggled to meet Katharina’s eyes. Trying to be brave and a little daring, Hannah took a deep breath in and decided to throw Katharina an indirect insult. “No, but… friends don’t leave each other alone on their birthdays.” Much to Hannah’s annoyance and mortification, her voice was small and squeaky.

_I couldn’t sound anymore pathetic._

Whether Katharina caught on to Hannah’s sneaky comment or not, Hannah couldn’t tell. Katharina merely opened the door and took a quick glance at Hannah. “Are you coming in or not?”

Hannah nodded and followed Katharina, making sure to leave some distance between them.

Once inside, Hannah leaned against the wall as she watched Katharina examine herself in the mirror. Hannah couldn’t help but notice that Katharina’s bruised face didn’t look as bad as it could’ve been. Maybe Katharina’s mother had a horrible sense of humor and had gone easy on Katharina as a birthday gift.

“Happy birthday to me,” Katharina scoffed and shook her head. Opening her bag, she grabbed her makeup bag and searched through its contents until she found what she was looking for.

For the next couple of minutes, Hannah went back and forth between staring at her sneakers and taking small peeks at Katharina while she put on makeup. Hannah assumed Katharina was doing that not only to cover most of her bruise but also to make herself feel better.

It had always puzzled Hannah how Katharina felt no need to put on makeup for anyone but herself. She was sure that Katharina was the only person Hannah knew who didn’t put on makeup to make herself fit in everyone’s idea of beauty. This truly confused Hannah because Katharina wasn’t pretty nor beautiful nor hot by anyone’s standards, and yet, she had managed to get Ulrich’s love and attention. Sure, Hannah knew that part of the reason why Ulrich liked Katharina so much was because Katharina didn’t care what others thought about her, but that couldn’t just be it… right? And yet, Hannah knew that Katharina wasn’t ugly, at least not compared to Hannah or Regina. But then again, maybe just compared to Hannah because after Regina’s recent transformation, Hannah just knew she had become Winden’s most hideous looking and forgettable girl.

But this made Hannah think.

If someone like Regina Tiedemann, who had been unpopular and disliked by so many people, had suddenly become _liked_ and _envied_ by so many, then was there still hope for Hannah? Could she one day become pretty and liked, as well as possibly loved and remembered? Would she ever mean anything to others?

Hannah almost snorted at herself.

Who was she kidding? Even if she did put on makeup, she wouldn’t be able to look like Katharina or Regina or any other girl in Winden. She wouldn’t be pretty at all. At most, Hannah would look like a child playing pretend. No one would love, respect, or care for someone like her, for someone so ridiculous.

Hannah took a breath in and bit her lip.

If _Four-Eyes Tiedemann_ had managed to become beautiful and have a boyfriend, then there had to be hope for someone like Hannah. Sure, Regina was smart and the daughter of the most powerful person in Winden, and Hannah was a nobody. But unlike Regina, Hannah wasn’t disliked, which wasn’t saying much considering who Hannah was. But maybe that could change… or was she just deluding herself?

Hannah knew that even if she had everything she wanted, she would always be abandoned and forgotten. Her mother had made sure to teach her that a long time ago.

Clenching her jaw, Hannah took a quick peek at Katharina, who was doing her best to hold back a grimace. But her pained expression was soon replaced by one of satisfaction at the sight of a small bruise by her neck, just below her ear.

That one was definitely the result of some time with Ulrich.

“Is he really worth it?” Hannah mumbled, only for her to close her eyes and curse at herself. Why on earth had she asked that aloud?

She could practically hear Katharina scowling at her. “What do you mean, Hannah?”

Hannah gulped and opened her eyes, preparing herself for whatever Katharina may say or do. And she was right, Katharina didn’t look too happy at her question. Trying to be nonchalant about it, Hannah shrugged only for her voice to waver when she said, “I don’t know. Don’t you think that it might be better if—”

Katharina stopped doing her makeup and snapped at Hannah. “If what?”

“Well, I don’t know, if you weren’t with Ulrich.” Hannah wrung her hands and shuffled her feet slightly. “Your mother has been worse about it since…”

“Hannah,” Katharina began, dropping her makeup back to her bag. Tilting her chin in a defiant way, Katharina got closer to Hannah and towered over her. To Hannah, Katharina looked like she was ready to punch her; Hannah eyed the door trying to think of an escape route. “Like I told you before, I don’t care. Nobody, especially not my mother, is going to come between us. What Ulrich and I have, that’s love; it’s stronger than hate. I don’t care what Tiedemann tried to do; her hate won’t be the end of us.” Katharina went back to looking at herself in the mirror. “You don’t get that yet because you’re too young.”

Hannah balled her hands into fists and did her best not to give Katharina a death glare.

How was she too young? She was only two years younger than Katharina and a year younger than Ulrich. How dare Katharina think she was better than her?

 _Because she is_ , a small voice whispered inside Hannah’s head.

“Maybe one day you’ll understand,” Katharina said before finishing her makeup and putting things away. “If you fall in love, you’ll understand.”

Hannah bit back her tongue and made her way to the bathroom mirror, determined to ignore Katharina.

It wasn’t even the part about being “too young” that bothered Hannah, it was the “maybe” and the “if”. Was Katharina telling Hannah that there was a possibility that she would never know what it was like to be in love with someone else? To have someone like her back? Was Hannah really _that_ unlovable? Or was Katharina silently telling her that Ulrich would never look her way? That he was too in love with Katharina to look at anyone but her?

Steadying her breath, Hannah gripped the sink tightly. She composed herself and decided to wash her hands as she stared at her reflection, not liking what she saw in the mirror.

She hadn’t changed; she was still the same old Hannah. She was so very ugly—even more so with her infinite freckles, bug-like eyes, and still horrendously flat chest. She looked at her chest; not even the horizontal stripes in her dress could help her make them look slightly bigger.

Why was she still like that?

“Hannah, come on, let’s go.”

Hannah pressed her lips together.

_I need to change things. I need to change myself. Things can only change for me if I change them. This summer, everything will change. I’ll ask Michael today if we can meet at the hospital next week and then everything will work out._

She took one last glance at her reflection before trailing behind Katharina.

* * *

Alone and in a bad mood, Hannah made her way through the forest, gripping her backpack straps so tightly that her knuckles turned white and her nails left marks on her palms.

_Stupid Katharina._

_Stupid Ulrich._

_Stupid Michael._

Hannah mimicked Michael’s voice as she mumbled, “Things only change when we change them.”

After Ulrich had been released from jail, Hannah had realized that at any moment things could fall apart and that she could become Katharina’s next target. If that ever happened, Hannah’s life would be over and there would be no one to blame but herself. Well, and maybe Michael Kahnwald. If it hadn’t been for him and his stupid words, then everything would’ve been better.

Hannah had come to realize that if she hadn’t done what she did back in November, then Ulrich and Katharina’s relationship would now be no more than ancient history. Hannah was sure that after reaching _that_ level in their relationship, Ulrich and Katharina, like most relationships in school, would’ve eventually broken up. And in a way, Hannah supposed that had been part of her plan. But nothing had changed; if anything, Hannah had somehow made their relationship stronger than before. And that made Hannah feel…

What did it make her feel?

Even after all this time, Hannah still had trouble figuring out what had possessed her that day. It had been a feeling like no other; it had been so intense that Hannah hadn’t known what to do with herself. It had been worse than when she found out that Ulrich liked Katharina.

Ever since Katharina and Ulrich had become a couple, Hannah had desperately wished for the day when they would break up. And even now, she still wished for that.

And maybe that was all she had wanted.

Or maybe that wasn’t all she had wanted.

Hannah still had trouble figuring out exactly what she had wanted from that major November event.

Maybe it had been something as simple as them breaking up. Maybe she had just wanted them to realize that they weren’t right for each other, that what they had was wrong, that they weren’t meant to stay together. Maybe all she had wanted was for them to know what it felt like to be more like her, to be a nobody, to know what it was like to be unwanted and unnoticed by everyone. Or maybe she had desperately wanted them to suffer as much as she was suffering, to feel as ugly and sick as she felt whenever she saw them together, to know what it felt like to have nothing.

But the truth was that Hannah didn’t know what the real reason behind everything was. Maybe it was everything and maybe it was nothing. The only thing she knew was that her little plan, her little magic trick, had backfired terribly.

For starters, as much as she may have wanted for Ulrich and Katharina to have problems, she hadn’t really wanted for Katharina to be beaten up even more severely by her mother. Katharina was, after all, Hannah’s best friend. Without Katharina, Hannah might as well not even exist at school. And as for Ulrich… well, Hannah really hadn’t wanted him to end in jail. Okay, maybe she had wanted that just a little bit, but only because she thought that everyone would’ve been, for once, talking badly about him. Maybe that would’ve let him know that he wasn’t as well-liked or as untouchable or as immortal as he thought himself to be. And maybe, once Ulrich had hit rock bottom and was no longer high and mighty, he would’ve seen that at the end of the day, he was just a nobody from Winden like Hannah.

But none of that had happened. All that had truly changed was how Hannah had to be prepared for what could come her way.

Even though Hannah had let Katharina think that Regina was behind it all, Hannah had soon grasped that if Regina went to her grandfather, and he happened to tell her that it was Hannah who had given the rape accusation, then Hannah was done for. No one, maybe not even her father, would have her back. Hannah would be completely alone.

_I would have to live in the caves for the rest of my life._

And she didn’t want that to happen, didn’t want to imagine what could happen to her. That’s why she needed to hear what other crazy magic tricks or advice Michael could unknowingly share with her so she could figure out what to do next. And maybe, as a stretch, he could show her how vanishing tricks worked, just in case Hannah ever needed to disappear from thin air and reappear someplace else.

Hannah sighed and looked around to find a place to sit. And just when she had spotted one of her favorite logs, she noticed that someone else was sitting on it.

It was him.

Michael.

Not once had Hannah managed to get a glimpse of him after what had transpired earlier in the day. She had even taken a risk zoning out of a conversation with her friends as she’d tried to see if she could spot him. But like back at the hospital, he had disappeared without a trace.

Had he really thought that Katharina was going to hit him again? Had Michael taken her words as seriously as Hannah had taken his?

But something told her that that wasn’t the case.

_Then why is he here?_

_Never mind that, he’s here and I can ask him about our deal._

With an impish smile, Hannah took her time to get near; if she was careful enough, there would be no noise and she could scare him and get a good laugh. But before Hannah could say or do anything, she noticed that he wasn’t alone.

Sitting next to him on the log, were Regina, Boris—or Aleksander as Hannah had heard Regina once say—, Charlotte Tannhaus and Michael.

_Maybe they’ll finish talking soon enough for me to still sneak up on him. There’s a lot we need to discuss._

Waiting for them to finish talking, Hannah stayed behind a tree for a while. But after what felt like an hour, she grew bored of staring at the immense forest around her. Besides, she was getting hungry.

With a sigh, Hannah started walking away.

 _Tomorrow_ , she thought, _I’ll ask him tomorrow_.

* * *

_June 26th 1987_

He hadn’t shown up for school on Tuesday nor Wednesday nor Thursday.

It was making her more upset than she knew it should’ve.

 _You know what_ , Hannah thought while she put on her two hair clips and fixed her hair into her usual ponytail. She placed the brush down with more force than she wanted to. _Whatever. I’ll figure this out on my own. I don’t need him._

“Morning Papa,” she greeted as she sat down at the table to have breakfast.

“Morning,” her father said, lowering his coffee mug onto the table. He looked gravely at her. “Hannah, I’m taking you to school today.”

Hannah frowned. “Why? I agreed to meet with my friends.”

Her father gave her a worried look. He took a moment before saying, “It’s not safe.”

Munching on an apple slice, Hannah asked, “What do you mean?”

“Your friend was almost kidnapped.”

“Which friend?” She raised her eyebrows; she seriously doubted anyone would ever want to kidnap Katharina.

He handed over the newspaper.

Putting her food down, Hannah took the newspaper, her eyes briefly lingering at the photograph of the escaped psychiatric patient. She couldn’t pinpoint it but there was something about the man that seemed familiar. Not spending too much time figuring out the why of that, Hannah read the front page. Her eyes widened once she saw who the man had tried to kidnap. “Michael…” Although Hannah knew that, according to the article, this had happened yesterday, a part of her wondered if this could’ve been the reason why he hadn’t shown up at school all week. “That’s terrible.”

Her father slowly nodded. “The man was put away, but if he got out once then it means that others can get out as well. I’d feel better knowing that you got to school safe and sound. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you.”

“Okay,” Hannah said quietly, her eyes downcast. There was no need to say it; even if months had passed, Mads Nielsen’s disappearance still worried adults. Hannah could only hope that her friends would understand why she wouldn’t be able to accompany them.

That was if they even noticed she wasn’t there…

* * *

Hannah didn’t know why she was surprised.

People in Winden didn’t need much to talk. The town was so boring that even the lights flickering was cause for chatter.

Today, on the last day of the school year, everyone was talking about the one and only Michael Kahnwald. It made Hannah want to roll her eyes. All he had to do was to almost get himself kidnapped and now everyone knew his name.

Honestly, how did he do it?

Even Ulrich was talking about him. For someone who didn’t even know that Michael Kahnwald existed, Ulrich was voicing his opinion—in quite an upset tone, Hannah noted—about what had happened. Hannah didn’t mind; Ulrich could be talking about something as ridiculous as falling fish from the sky, and Hannah would still think he was the most interesting person ever. And she knew she wasn’t the only one who thought so.

Taking one last drag from his cigarette before letting it fall and stepping on it furiously, Ulrich scoffed, “The police department is full of shit.”

Katharina got another cigarette and handed it over to him.

With the cigarette between his lips, Ulrich continued, “They can’t do anything right, but when some madman from the nuthouse escapes, they work fine.” Lighting the cigarette, he laughed humorlessly. “But mark my words: they’re so incompetent that the madman will escape again.” He shook his head as he took one long drag. “And I’ll be rooting for the madman.”

* * *

_July 8th 1987_

With her father at work, Hannah had the house all to herself.

Bored out of her mind, Hannah laid on her back, staring at the ceiling. She was waiting for Katharina, or pretty much anyone—even a wrong number would be fine—to call just so she had something to do. She knew she should be used to it by now; this was how things always were whenever there was a break from school. If nobody called her to join a group gathering, Hannah would then have to wander around Winden until she came across any of her friends or until she found something interesting to do. That was just how things were.

_Which one will it be today?_

With a sigh, Hannah looked towards her left and grabbed the Magic 8-Ball that was sitting by her nightstand.

_Will anyone call me today?_

After shaking the Magic 8-Ball for eight seconds, Hannah flipped it over to see her answer.

DON’T COUNT ON IT

_Are my friends having fun without me right now?_

WITHOUT A DOUBT

_Did Katharina forget to call me?_

MOST LIKELY

She scowled and clenched her jaw.

_Is Ulrich thinking about me now?_

MY REPLY IS NO

“Stupid thing,” Hannah grumbled as she let the Magic 8-Ball fall on her bed. “I hate those answers. Why can’t you ever give me good answers?”

What could she do today?

 _The same things I always do every summer._ Hannah frowned and sat up. _But it doesn’t have to be that way this year. It can be different._

When Michael had asked her what Hannah had had to offer for her end of the deal, she had blanked. It hadn’t been like she hadn’t thought that far ahead, she had thought of a few things. It was just that she hadn’t been sure what someone like her could offer to someone like him. Even if he was younger and a stranger, unlike Hannah, he was cool. So what could Hannah offer other than her weirdness? And while she knew that Michael was a little weird, unlike her, he didn’t seem to care about that; he was just himself. It was somewhat puzzling and yet admirable how he didn’t seem to care what others thought about him.

And that was cool, she supposed. But Hannah couldn’t be like Michael, even if she wished so.

Part of her had been so glad that Michael hadn’t approached her the first week back to school, even if she had later told him otherwise. In truth, she would have minded if he had gone up to her. For starters, it wasn’t like she could’ve put a good word for him. Not only was he a kid but he was also new, weird, and adopted. If her circle of friends hadn’t been exactly accepting of Mads Nielsen—who had been _the_ Ulrich Nielsen’s brother—, then what were the chances that a nobody like Michael Kahnwald would be accepted just because a nobody like Hannah Krüger knew him?

So much could’ve gone wrong; it would’ve been social suicide. Hannah wasn’t going to lose so much because of him; they didn’t even know each other.

But the other part of her had been upset that he hadn’t bothered approaching her.

Had she been the only one to enjoy his company? Had he forgotten about her during the break? Had he forgotten her like the rest? Or had he realized that speaking to Hannah would be a waste of his time? And what bothered Hannah even more was how she seemed to care about that. She’d even been stupid enough to risk her neck for him back when Katharina was going to hit him.

Why would she care for someone like him? Why should she care if he remembered her or not? Why waste her time thinking about him? But Hannah already knew why.

For reasons she couldn’t understand, she liked being around him. Maybe it was because he always had something interesting to say. Maybe it was because despite the weird things Hannah had said so far, he hadn’t acted like she was insane. Maybe it was because he spoke to her. Maybe it was because Hannah thought they could be friends. Or maybe it was because whenever she saw him, Hannah felt like she had known him longer than he had been here in Winden, which made no sense. Or maybe it was because in a way, there was something about him that slightly reminded Hannah of herself. Or maybe it was simply because he was the solution to her problems. He’d gotten her into this mess, and he was going to help her get out of it.

_Yes, that’s it. It’s only because of that._

But for him to help her, they needed to meet up, and sadly she hadn’t been able to tell him what the plans were. And Hannah had so much planned; she had prepared for everything. Well, for everything except the madman incident.

Hannah looked out the window.

_I’m not going to let a madman ruin my plans._

* * *

Tired of not knowing when she was going to see him, Hannah rode her bicycle towards the hospital. She figured that there were only two places that Michael would be after what had happened, and the hospital had to be one of them. But in the case that he wasn’t there, then maybe, just as a last resort, Hannah could find Nurse Kahnwald and ask her about Michael. She just hoped that she wouldn’t have to come across Nurse Kahnwald; truth be told, she wasn’t fond of her.

Honestly, how hard was it for Nurse Kahnwald to remember her name?

Trying to be as nonchalant as possible, Hannah made her way inside the hospital. She kept her eyes alert in case she saw Michael or Nurse Kahnwald, but there were no signs of either one.

She wandered around for a little until a nurse—Donata Kraus—crossed Hannah’s way.

“Hello,” Nurse Kraus said while she eyed Hannah curiously. “Aren’t you Sebastian’s daughter? May I help you with anything?”

Hannah nodded. “I’m looking for Nurse Kahnwald.”

With raised eyebrows, Nurse Kraus looked at Hannah from head to toe. “Do you know Ines? Is something wrong?”

Hannah played with her hands. “I… I’m a friend of her… _son_. I wanted to know how he was doing since… well, you know…”

Nurse Kraus’s expression softened, and she smiled sadly at Hannah. “I haven’t seen Ines since that day. No one knows where she is. But if I see her, I’ll let her know.”

Disappointed, Hannah half-smiled and mumbled a “thanks” before walking away.

_So much for our deal… and I was really looking forward to it._

But then Hannah smiled slightly.

_Whatever; now I can spend more time with Ulrich._

* * *

_July 25th 1987_

Every day was the same.

Hannah would wake up, watch some television or hear some music, cook something to eat, think about Ulrich, maybe spend time with her friends, go back home, fall asleep, and repeat everything all over again the next day.

It was a summer like all the ones before it.

Like most things in Winden, the talk about Michael Kahnwald and the escaped madman from the nuthouse became forgotten. Hannah tried to forget him as well. If she wanted something new this summer, wondering whether she was going to see him ever again would not be the change she’d been hoping for.

She had more important things to worry about… such as what she was going to do if the truth of what she had done ever got out.

Just because Chief Inspector Tiedemann was dead didn’t mean that Hannah hadn’t stayed alert. Things could go very badly for her should the truth ever come out, even if she doubted that that would ever happen. But it never hurt to have a plan. And if anyone found out that it had been her back in November, Hannah already had a plan.

The solution to her problem would be none other than Boris Niewald.

Hannah looked out the window and smirked.

Unbeknownst to him, Hannah had seen him hide away his most valuable possessions—a gun and a passport—back in November. He hadn’t done a good job at hiding them if Hannah said so herself, but that was only because he had hidden it near one of her favorite spots in the forest. While Hannah didn’t know why exactly he’d had those items, or why he’d felt the need to hide them, she knew that whatever the reason may have been, that it couldn’t have been a good one if he had decided to come to Winden of all places.

Hannah hadn’t hesitated in taking his items and hiding them someplace else. She would’ve taken them home, but after some thought, she’d decided against it. Even though her father didn’t go into her room, she couldn’t take the risk. What if he did go in one day? Or what if Katharina came over one day and found the items? What would Hannah do then? How would she get herself out of that one?

_It’s not like I can use Regina like last time._

Hannah chewed on her lip.

_Maybe I should go out and check the box…_

But she couldn’t leave, not until Katharina called her and told her what the plans were for the day. Only then could Hannah come up with a way to work around and go to where she kept her most valuable possessions.

And luckily for her, she didn’t have to wait for long because about an hour later, Katharina called and told her to come to the lake.

* * *

Hannah only needed to see her friends to know that there was an unpleasant surprise waiting for her. And what was worse was that Hannah didn’t have time to think about it because someone threw a camera her way.

“Hannah,” she heard someone shout from across the lake, “you’re in charge of taking photos!”

“Why?” Hannah asked looking around and tightening her grip on the camera.

While Hannah had no problem taking photos, which was something she sometimes found fun, she didn’t like how she was the one who was assigned to do so.

Why did she have to be the one taking photos of everyone? Why not ask someone else? Why did she have to be the one observing everyone else having fun while she was nothing but a mere outsider?

Otto wrapped an arm around her shoulders and snickered. “Nobody wanted to do it, and you just got here.”

Hannah would’ve wanted to reply back, to demand why she always had to be the one doing something that excluded her from the group, but for once, several eyes were on her. It felt weird to have that many eyes on her, to have all that attention.

Pushing away the discomfort, Hannah smiled slightly and nodded, aiming the camera at Klaus and Heidi’s way.

* * *

Three hours later, Hannah stood leaning against a tree, counting the seconds before she had to take another photo. While she’d originally had had some fun taking photos of her friends and had been pleased at hearing people call her name like they actually remembered she existed, it had grown boring after a while. Hannah had even tried passing the camera around, but it always wound back at her hands. She had no choice but to wait for someone to call her so she could get this over with.

She stared at the camera longingly.

There were three photos left… She still hadn’t had her photo taken.

Even though Hannah was here with everyone, her lack of appearance in the photos would one day tell another story. She knew that in the future, people would look at these photos and remember the day, but they would never remember who had taken the photos. No one would think of her. It would be as though she hadn’t even been here, as though she hadn’t even existed. 

Something twisted tightly in her chest.

_I can change that, right?_

Looking around, Hannah let her eyes land on Ulrich. Would he want to take a photo with her? Would that be possible? If she took a photo with him, would that be enough proof that she had been here after all? That she was worthy of being remembered?

For once, Katharina wasn’t around him. This was Hannah’s chance.

Walking towards him, Hannah shouted, “Hey Ulrich!” She lifted the camera so he could see it. “Smile!”

Ulrich turned around and smirked, just in time for Hannah to snap the camera.

“Hannah,” he said. “I was looking for you.”

Hannah raised her eyebrows and prayed her cheeks weren’t red. Shyly, she lowered her eyes and bit back a smile. “You were?”

He scratched his cheek and looked above her head. He shouted, “Hey Katharina! I found Hannah.”

The happy feeling disappeared. Hannah held back a scowl.

“Hannah!” she heard Katharina say as she wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Take pictures of us.”

Hannah’s shoulders slumped. She muttered, “There are only two photos left.”

Katharina exchanged a glance with Ulrich. “That should be enough.”

Hannah tried shrugging Katharina’s arm off her and kept her eyes on Ulrich’s shoes. “I don’t know. Maybe Ingrid might want her camera back; it is hers after all. Maybe she wants the last two photos.” She meekly looked at Ingrid’s way. “Maybe for a group photo or something.”

Ulrich raised his eyebrows and called Ingrid from across the lake. “Hey, Ingrid!”

Ingrid stopped talking to whoever she was talking to and made a “what” expression with her hands.

Ulrich grabbed the camera and waved at her. “Come here!”

Once Ingrid was standing in front of them, she asked, “Why did you call me?”

“Do you mind if we take the last two photos?”

Ingrid shrugged. “I really don’t mind.” She looked at Hannah. “Just give me the camera once it’s done so I can send them to get developed.”

She was about to walk away when Hannah said, “Wait.” And like earlier in the day, all eyes were on her. Hannah crossed her arms and tilted her head just like Katharina did. “We need someone to take a photo of us. It’ll be a waste of film if the photo came out blurry or if only the top of our heads appeared.” She then sat on a log and smirked. “What are you guys waiting for? Come.”

Katharina shrugged and pulled Ulrich down with her, having him sit in the middle. Ulrich placed his arms around Katharina and Hannah’s shoulders.

“Okay,” Ingrid said as she held the camera. “Are you guys ready?”

And while it wasn’t what she’d had in mind, Hannah was still happy. She was next to Ulrich and he had his arm around her shoulders, and they were going to be in the same photo. She slightly leaned into him, her heart beating so loudly that she wondered if Ulrich could hear it.

Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad after all.

The camera snapped.

Hannah turned to smile at Ulrich, but just as she did that, Ulrich lowered his arm from her and turned to face Katharina. Hannah saw Katharina smile at him, and not even three seconds passed before Ulrich and Katharina began making out.

_Well, great._

Hannah huffed and looked away, already imagining herself to be somewhere else. Her fingers played with the chirped wood.

“Ingrid,” Katharina said breathlessly, finally pulling away from Ulrich. “Take a picture of us.”

Hannah felt Ingrid’s eyes on her, and Hannah simply stood up and moved to a side, staying silent the whole time.

Once Ingrid had taken the last photo, she walked back to the other side of the lake to join some of the people who were about to leave.

Before Ulrich and Katharina could start making out again, Hannah cleared her throat. “Shouldn’t we join the others?”

Ulrich looked at the people who were leaving, while Katharina intertwined her fingers with Ulrich’s.

“Nah,” Ulrich began, “they’re just going to Otto’s house. There’s not much to do there.”

“You should still come,” Hannah blurted out. “It’ll be fun.”

“Maybe next time.”

Katharina nodded and stared at Hannah. “Maybe you should go.” She stood up and Ulrich followed shortly after.

Hannah pursed her lips. “Where are you guys going?”

“See you, Hannah!” they both shouted as they walked away and disappeared between the trees.

Hannah rolled her eyes and felt tempted to follow them just to ruin their alone time. But she didn’t get to do that because she figured that she could go to Otto’s place and have fun. But all she needed to do was turn around to realize that she was all alone.

_Typical._

And rather than go to Otto’s place, Hannah went back to her house and spent the rest of the day filling in the vowels of the newspaper with pen.

* * *

_August 3rd 1987_

Ever since that day at the lake, no one had called Hannah and she hadn’t bothered calling anyone either. She hadn’t even bothered asking the Magic 8-Ball her usual questions because she already knew the answers.

Having nothing better to do, Hannah walked around through the woods, stopping every so often to see what she could find lying on the forest ground.

_You’d be surprised at the things you can find here._

But until now, she hadn’t found anything interesting.

Hannah kept exploring for about half an hour until she heard loud laughter not too far from her. It was coming from the lake’s direction.

As Hannah got closer, she saw that most of her friends had gathered again. And no one had told her.

She didn’t even bother getting too upset about it. To make herself feel better, her eyes scanned the area for any signs of Ulrich. But to her dismay, he was nowhere to be found.

What would be the point of going to the lake if he wasn’t there?

Knowing that no one would notice or care if she was there or not, Hannah discreetly walked away. As the sounds of laughter and shouting diminished with each step she took, Hannah looked around as she made her way towards the abandoned train tracks and pulled a worn-down wooden box from under the tracks.

She opened it to make sure its contents were still there.

She sighed in relief. Nothing had happened to the passport and the gun.

She looked around as she hid it again and covered it with dirt and leaves. One day, when she was older and lived by herself, she would get a better box, preferably a metal or tin one, and she would keep the passport and gun in it. But for now, this one worked just fine.

Hannah stood up and walked a little further down the train tracks until she found her other box. This box was far more important to Hannah and she always changed its location in the forest. She looked around and when the coast was clear, she brushed off the dirt and took it with her.

Once she made her way towards one of her favorite trees, which was the one that had “Sic Mundus” craved on it—whatever that meant—, Hannah sat down crossed-legged and ran her fingers along the box’s edges.

Even though this tin box was a little rusty and dented, there was some beauty to it. It was about half the size of a shoe box, and it was decorated with floral print. But most importantly, it used to belong to her mother.

Hannah opened the box and examined its contents.

When Hannah had told Michael that he would be surprised with the stuff one could find lying around in the forest, she hadn’t been kidding. Pretty much everything Hannah had inside that box came from things she’d found throughout the years. It made her think like she was exploring the world and finding hidden treasures while getting to know people she would never talk to, let alone meet. She liked to pretend like she knew these people, like they were friends of hers. And maybe they were, in another life or another world. But here and now, they were as mysterious to her as she was to them. There were some photographs, two or three cassette tapes, some old school notes, a lipstick holder with a mirror, a coin necklace, an old ring, and a pair of playing dice.

With careful hands, Hannah took out the photographs. Some of them had received damage from the rain, while others were torn at the corners. Some were in black in white and others were polaroids. Some had words written on them and others had nothing. Some were group photos and others had couples on them. But Hannah wasn’t interested in any of them; there was only one photograph she wanted to see today.

This photograph was one of the older ones she’d found. But unlike the other ones, she’d found this one inside a book at the library. Her attention always went onto three people in the photograph. On the right side of the photo was a woman who stood out from the rest, but not because she was pretty, but because compared to everyone else, she looked sad. Upon closer inspection, it was obvious that she was staring at the couple on the other side of the room—at least that’s what Hannah told herself. The couple were clearly oblivious to anything or anyone other than themselves. The woman had her arms around the man’s neck, and he had his on her waist; Hannah couldn’t decide if they were dancing or were about to start kissing.

Hannah didn’t know who these people were, but she felt like she could relate to the lonely woman on the right. She didn’t know whether it was because Hannah knew what it felt like to want someone who liked another or whether it was because she knew how it felt to not belong. If Hannah placed her thumb on the lonely woman’s face, she would disappear and everyone would still be happy in the photograph. Just like Hannah’s friends were still happy without her around.

There were times when Hannah wondered about the woman. What had been her thoughts? Had she been thinking about herself? Had she been thinking about the couple? Had she wanted someone to talk to? Had she waited for someone to approach her all night and no one had noticed her? Had she been waiting for someone to tell her that she was pretty? Had anyone ever cared about her?

Hannah put the photograph away; she brought her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She closed her eyes.

_Will that be me?_


	13. There was this sadness in his eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Standing underneath a tree for shade, Ines lighted her cigarette and examined her surroundings. All around them was nothing but nature. It should’ve made Ines feel calm and relax, but all she could think about was Michael’s behavior from earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank rosabell14, sealandreich, eitokus, Tricia_Guima, ultima88, and CaLeTaTa for your comments on last chapter ^_^ I also want to thank justalittlehappytree and ultima88 for your comments on Chapter 10. And thanks to everyone who reads this fic as well :) I appreciate it. I know I go at turtle pace so thank you for bearing with me. 
> 
> This week's chapter centers on what happened to Ines and Mikkel during the summer of '87 (S2-S3). I think we can all agree/noticed just how sad our butterfly boy looked in his time in S3, but idk how many people noticed that Ines didn't look well either. So even if this chapter isn't eventful, I wanted to explore why they looked the way they did in their like 3 minutes of S3. There's a part I think might've been a little on the dramatic side, but you decide. 
> 
> Next chapter will be the last one focusing on S3 for now since we'll be coming back to it waaaaaay into the future. But let's not worry about that now; there's a lot of time between here and then (or is there?)  
> Next chapter focuses on Hannah's POV ^_^ I'm excited for that one and hopefully next week you'll see why. 
> 
> Enjoy the reading and remember to take care :)

_June 25th 1987_

Staring at the clock in her room, Ines switched between biting her nails and picking the skin around them. Even though it’d been only three minutes since Ines had last checked on Michael, she still felt like an eternity had passed since then.

 _He’s safe_ , Ines thought as she rubbed her arms in hopes of fighting the coldness that wouldn’t leave her body. _He’s fine, he’s home now. Nothing will happen to him because he has me to protect him._

But what if something _did_ happen? What if the madman escaped again? What if this time he did take Michael away and Ines failed to protect her son? What if…?

Feeling a chill wash over her, Ines let out a shaky breath and began pacing around the room in a frantic manner.

_He’s with me. I’ll protect him. I will never let anything happen to him._

But hadn’t she already let something terrible happen to him? Wouldn’t this affect Michael for the rest of his life? Hadn’t she already failed him without even knowing it?

_I can’t let anything happen to him, not again. That’s why I need to check on him; he could be in danger._

With her heart up her throat, Ines hurriedly made her way to Michael’s room for what appeared to be the thirty-third time that night.

* * *

A sigh of relief escaped Ines’s lips the moment her eyes landed on Michael. He was exactly where she’d left him—tucked in bed and sound asleep.

He was here and he was safe; that’s all that matter to Ines.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, Ines walked across the room and sat on the corner of Michael’s bed. Ines smiled sadly as she brushed away some of the hair that had gotten stuck to his forehead.

 _Oh, Michael_ , Ines thought, taking notice of the faint tear and snot stains left on his face. _I’m so sorry this happened to you._

Before Michael had fallen asleep, Ines had lingered in the room for a while, not just out of fear that something would happen to him, but also because she knew that, given everything that had happened, it was only logical that he would start crying. But Michael had shed no tears as he had drunk his hot cocoa; in fact, Ines hadn’t heard his voice since the morning.

“Everything will be alright when morning comes,” Ines had whispered to him when he’d finally closed his eyes to go to sleep. “I promise.”

Michael must’ve pretended to go to sleep, because about an hour later, when Ines had come back to check on him, the telltale signs of someone who’d been crying were there for Ines to see.

_I wasn’t there to comfort him._

Fighting back tears that threatened to fall, Ines silently left the room and leaned against the door. Her shoulders trembled and her sight got blurry as she struggled to steady her breathing. Desperately trying to hold herself together, Ines clutched her crucifix pendant so hard that its shape left marks on her palm.

Even though Ines would be eternally grateful that, as far as she was aware, nothing serious had happened to Michael, she knew that she would also be upset for a long time. Why was it that out of all the children in Winden, the one who’d had to have this traumatic experience had to be none other than Michael?

 _God, why him? Why make him suffer? Why make_ me _suffer?_

Knowing that she wouldn’t get answers any time soon—if ever—, Ines sighed and went downstairs to inspect the house once again. Although she knew that realistically it was only them two inside the house, Ines felt like it never hurt to check and be on the safe side.

Who knew what could happen?

* * *

If anyone broke into the Kahnwald home, they wouldn’t be able to get too far, at least not with how ridiculously bright it was at the moment. Every single light in the house was on; just the first floor alone was bright enough to blind someone.

Ines needed the house to be as illuminated as possible; she needed to be able to see any potential threats. The last thing she needed was for someone to be hiding in the shadows, waiting for her to let her guard down and attack her.

Once she made sure that no one was around, Ines allowed herself to breathe.

_We’re okay, we’ll be fine… nothing will happen._

After all, she had checked all the doors and windows…

Her heart plummeted to her stomach and her eyes widened.

Not _all_ the windows…

Frantically, Ines went running to Michael’s room.

Once she saw that he was still sleeping, Ines placed a hand on her heart to calm herself down. Her gaze went from Michael to his bedroom windows.

They were closed… right?

Even though Ines highly doubted that the madman would be able to climb up a tree and go through the window, Ines was more concerned over the possibility that Michael would try to recreate what he’d done on his first night at the hospital. Ines wanted to believe that he would never do that again, but it never hurt to be on the safe side.

_Michael will be fine; I’ll keep my son safe._

But was he safe? _Really_ safe?

And then, Ines heard the voice she’d been trying to drown inside her head all night.

_No, you don’t get it! He’s my son! My son! Mikkel! I’ll be back! I promise!_

With all the things that were messing with her sanity, the madman’s voice inside her head was the last thing Ines needed.

_What he said, they’re all lies. There’s no way Michael is his son… but what if…?_

Ines shook her head and chuckled nervously.

_No, it’s impossible…_

But was it though? What would she do if it was true? What would she do if he showed up and took Michael away?

Ines clutched her crucifix pendant once again.

 _God’s on my side… Nothing will happen…_ she pressed her lips together and frowned. _But maybe I should go check the other windows… just to be safe…._

Ines didn’t sleep that night.

* * *

_June 27th 1987_

Ines still hadn’t slept, not because she didn’t want to but because she couldn’t take such a big risk. Whenever Ines had felt her eyelids closing, she’d reminded herself that there would always be plenty of time to sleep in the future.

Ines needed to keep Michael safe; she just had to. Something deep inside her told her—no, _screamed_ at her—that something terrible was going to happen, that the danger wasn’t over. Ines just knew that someone—be it the madman, other escaped patients, Michael’s ex-family, or the Antichrist—was coming for Michael. For that reason alone, Ines had spent the entirety of the day before making phone calls to Child Protective Services and the Winden Police Department. While at first Ines had tried to keep her tone gentle, once she’d realized that no one was taking her seriously, she had dropped all politeness and had become a split image of her father when he was upset. Every frustration and criticism that Ines had kept inside had left her mouth as her anger had consumed her, and that hadn’t happened to her in an extremely long time. It had gotten the job done though because her concerns had been taken seriously.

_This is all for Michael’s safety. I’m just doing what anyone else would’ve done._

* * *

Ines knocked on Michael’s door. When she got no response, she went inside.

Upon seeing that Michael was awake and staring out the window, Ines said quietly, “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

Michael slowly tore his eyes from the window and murmured, “Morning.”

Ines took his hands in hers and ignored what she imagined to be a slight flinch from his part. She smoothed her thumbs against his wrists, more to calm herself than to calm him. “Michael… there has been a change of plans.”

Ines got no response other than Michael’s breathing stopping for a fraction of a second.

“We’re taking a vacation,” Ines announced, noticing his eyes on her hands. Although Ines knew she had cigarettes to help calm her nerves, with everything that had happened, she’d forgotten about them in favor of biting and picking at the skin on her hands. Holding back a grimace and taking a deep breath in, Ines continued, “It’ll be far from here. After what happened, I… well, I think it’s best if you… if _we_ spend some time away. A change of scenery would do us good. Child Protective Services agreed to arrange everything; we’ll be taken care of.” She tried giving him a reassuring smile, but the corners of her lips wouldn’t lift. “If you want, I’ll get your bag ready while you have breakfast.”

Michael gave her a slight nod and slid his hands away from hers. With heavy and hesitant steps, he walked towards the door. He stopped when Ines asked, “Is there anything you want to take with you? Just so I know what to get.”

He barely looked over his shoulder before giving Ines a shrug. “You choose.”

Once Ines heard the soft click of the door closing, she looked around the room before covering her face with her hands.

There was so much to do and so little time.

They would be leaving in less than three hours.

* * *

Fiddling with her crucifix pendant, Ines stood by the front door waiting for Michael.

“Michael,” Ines called out as she looked at her watch. “The driver will be here soon.”

What was he doing? Why wasn’t he here?

 _He’s fine,_ she thought, _he’s just using the bathroom or getting something from his room. Nothing’s wrong._

“Michael,” Ines called out again, her voice wavering a little bit. She went inside and was about to call him again when she saw him standing by the kitchen counter. Ines’s eyes widened, and for a split-second Ines could’ve sworn that the world had ended.

Had Michael… had he found…

Had Ines left the sleeping pills on the counter?

Ines held her breath trying to think of what she would say to him.

Michael turned around, and upon seeing what was in his hands, Ines exhaled in relief. It wasn’t the sleeping pills; it was just the newspapers. Her relief was short-lived though once she realized what he might’ve been reading. To her dismay, that little voice inside her head began speaking again.

_No! You don’t get it! He’s my son! Mikkel!_

Clenching her jaw and breathing hard, Ines snatched the two newspapers from Michael’s hands. Almost as if she wanted the madman to see that he couldn’t control her, Ines ripped one of the newspapers before shoving it in the trashcan. She was about to do the same with the other one when she saw Michael’s disturbed expression. Ashamed of herself, Ines lessened her grip on the newspaper. Ignoring the feel of his eyes on her, Ines took the garbage bag out, threw the newspaper inside it, and walked outside to place the garbage with all the other trash.

Ines sighed and closed her eyes.

It was going to be a long summer. 

* * *

Ines spent the entirety of the car ride to the cabin looking out the window, taking in the scenery and appreciating the fact that, the further away they were from their home, the easier it was to breathe. She wanted to believe Michael felt the same way, even though she had no way of knowing. After her outburst with the newspapers, Ines couldn’t bring herself to speak or look at Michael.

The gentle rocking of the car made Ines’s eyes droop a few times, and if it weren’t for how resolute she was in staying awake, she would’ve slept through the entire car ride.

Who knew what could happen should she fall asleep?

She couldn’t take that risk.

She just couldn’t…

She just…

She…

The sound of a stranger’s voice and the feeling of a hand on her shoulder woke Ines up. Startled, Ines tried to open her eyes, but wherever she was, it was too bright for her to do so. Once she did adjust to the brightness, she looked at the hand’s owner. It was Michael.

“We’re here,” Ines heard the driver state for what she assumed to be the second time.

Ines nodded and opened the car door.

They were finally safe.

* * *

_July 15th 1987_

During the last three weeks, every day was like the day before it.

Their days always started with Ines waking up at four or five in the morning. She would then get ready and prepare breakfast, checking in on Michael every so often. She would then wake Michael up and have breakfast with him, and after that, while Ines did dishes, Michael would get ready. Ines would then suggest they do something together—preferably inside the cabin because it was safer—, and after they did something together, she would let Michael have some time to himself. While he was in his room, Ines would make lunch and occasionally check in on him again. After they ate lunch, Ines would once again suggest that they do something together. When it was evening, while Michael spent time in his room, Ines would prepare dinner. After they had dinner, they would watch some television until it was time for Michael to take a shower. While he showered, Ines would make Michael hot cocoa with the sleeping pills mixed in it. And every night, after she made sure he drank everything in his mug and that he fell asleep, Ines would spend her time between walking around the cabin and checking in on Michael. She didn’t go to sleep until way past midnight, and even then, she would wake up every half an hour to make sure that Michael was still in his room.

As monotone and exhausting as it was, Ines liked the routine they had settled in, if only because she knew that it was for the best. But as much as Ines appreciated the established routine, she wanted today to be different. Even if Michael didn’t know it, today was cause for celebration.

It was Ines’s birthday after all.

But most importantly, it was her first birthday with Michael.

* * *

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Ines said with a smile as she gently woke Michael up. “Breakfast’s ready.”

Michael gave her a slight nod before turning over to continue sleeping.

Ines sighed. Choosing to ignore the frown on his face, Ines cheerfully stated, “Come on, sleepyhead, wake up. I made us a special breakfast; felt like things needed to change a little.”

Face against his pillow, Michael mumbled, “Okay.”

“I’m sure you’ll like it,” Ines insisted. “Come, before it gets cold.”

Michael sighed and sluggishly sat up, blinking a few times before standing up and walking towards the table.

Ines grinned. “I hope you like it.”

The table was so full that there barely was any space to set their plates on. Their breakfast options included pancakes, eggs, sausages, potatoes, bacon, toast, marmalade, ham, cheese, apples, blueberries, pears, orange juice, milk, and coffee. With everything she’d done, Ines was surprised that the noise and the smell of food hadn’t woken Michael up.

Michael sat down and said, “Thank you.”

Ines beamed while she grabbed some fresh fruit and put it on her plate. “Dig in!”

With much less enthusiasm, Michael took one piece of toast and pour some orange juice into his cup.

Unlike Ines, who’d had a bite out of every dish on the table, Michael had barely touched his toast. Rather than eating it, he spent his time staring at the breadcrumbs on his plate.

Ines furrowed her brows and she stopped eating. “Michael, what’s wrong? Are you feeling sick? You’ve hardly touched your food.”

Michael shook his head and took a sip of juice.

Ines gently took his plate and poured more food on it. “You’re a growing boy, you need more food.” She searched for his eyes, and her forehead creased with worry. His eyes were too dull for her liking. “Michael?”

Michael stared at the plate in front of him and then back at Ines. With what Ines assumed to be a faint smile, Michael grabbed the toast and continued eating.

By the time they were done, Michael’s plate was still half-full.

* * *

After doing the dishes, Ines stood by Michael’s bedroom door. Since the door was opened—because why would there be any need for the door to be closed? —, Ines cleared her throat to get his attention.

Michael, who was curled up on his bed and staring at a wall just as he did every day, turned over to look at Ines.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Ines suggested with a smile. She walked towards his bedroom window and pushed the curtains wide open. “It’s a beautiful day to stay inside sleeping. See how bright it is?”

Michael narrowed his eyes at the brightness seeping through and then hid his face on his pillow.

The smile on Ines’s face faltered. She got closer and was about to put her hand on his forehead when Michael sat up and put on his shoes. He stood up and walked away.

“Michael?”

Clutching her crucifix pendant, Ines followed him and sighed when she saw him waiting for her at the door.

Testing the waters, she asked, “Do you want something to snack on while we’re outside?”

Michael shook his head.

Ines pressed her lips together and looked at a piece of paper lying on the floor by the couch. In the last three weeks, Ines had noticed that Michael had begun drawing. Most of the time, he would spend hours drawing spirals, loops, and three-sided infinity signs. Ines preferred his drawings when they were about the objects in front of him, like a cup, the fruit bowl, Ines’s lighter, or the ashtray. “Do you want to take a pen and some paper? You could draw a tree, a flower, or even a bird…”

But like before, Michael shook his head.

Ines sighed. “Okay. Let’s go.”

* * *

Standing underneath a tree for shade, Ines lighted her cigarette and examined her surroundings. All around them was nothing but nature. It should’ve made Ines feel calm and relax, but all she could think about was Michael’s behavior from earlier.

Not far from her, Michael sat on a log, basking in the sun with his eyes closed. Ines felt tempted to call out to him and tell him to come closer, but she held back. Earlier, when they’d had left the cabin, Ines had made sure to walk right next to Michael. Much to her confusion, the closer she got, the faster or slower his steps became, as though he wanted to create space between them. She had even tried to make conversation, but all she had gotten were one word replies from Michael. His actions had left her feeling a little hurt, but Ines told herself that maybe he just wanted some time to himself; after all, on a regular day, he would’ve been in his room.

Snapping out of her thoughts, Ines saw Michael get up and start to walk away. Alarmed, Ines said, “Michael, wait.” She got closer and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to go back to the cabin?”

Michael’s shoulders slumped. “No.”

“Then where were you going?”

He shrugged. “I…”

Frowning, she took a long drag from her cigarette. “It’s not safe to wander around alone.”

_Especially not after…_

Shaking away the negative thoughts, Ines searched for his eyes and gave him a small smile. “I’ll walk with you.”

Michael pressed his lips together and kept his eyes on the forest floor.

And just like before, every time Ines tried to walk right next to him, Michael tried to put distance between them.

Something _was_ wrong…

What could it be?

* * *

Resting her head against her hand, Ines stared at the kitchen counter, trying to figure out why nothing seemed to be working the way she wanted it.

After their walk through the woods, Ines had suggested to Michael that they watch a movie on the television. It had taken her a while to find something fun for the two of them to watch, and when she did, she seemed to be the only one enjoying the movie. No matter how funny a scene had been, Ines hadn’t heard Michael laugh. Once the movie had finished, thinking that Michael might’ve just been tired and hungry, Ines had started preparing lunch. To her disappointment, Michael had hardly touched his food. She’d then suggested that they play a board game, only to realize that there were none in the cabin. Michael then had spent about an hour or two sitting on the couch with his legs brought to his chest and his arms around them, his eyes elsewhere as he’d stared out the window. The sight had left Ines with no choice but to ask him if he wanted to go out, to which Michael had hesitated before shaking his head. Another hour had passed before Ines had spoken again. Running out of ideas, Ines had gone far enough to ask him if she could cut his hair, not only because it was too long, but because she just wanted to spend time with him. Like before, Michael had simply shrugged and had passively let her cut his hair. After that, Ines had prepared dinner and had received the same reaction—or lack thereof—from Michael as before.

What could Ines do so that Michael could smile for her at least once? Or better yet, what could Ines do to make Michael feel better?

Sighing, Ines glanced at the clock; there was still time before she had to make him his hot cocoa.

_I might as well get things ready._

Ines went to the kitchen and was about to grab the cocoa powder when an idea popped into her head. She smiled.

_I think I know what might cheer him up…_

“Michael,” Ines called out, “can you please come here?”

Minutes later, Michael appeared, his face blank.

“Sit down and close your eyes,” Ines said, hiding the items behind her back. “I have a surprise for you.” Michael did as he was told, even if Ines noted how unexcited he was at the mention of a surprise. Ines placed a few sugar cubes and two cups on the table. “You can open them now.” Excited to see the spark in his eyes and the smile from months ago when he had spoken about Houdini, Ines tried holding back a grin. “I would really like to see some of your magic tricks.”

The reaction she got wasn’t the one Ines had expected. Michael simply stared at the contents and he took a shaky breath in.

Prompting him, Ines added, “Please, can you do it for me?”

Michael’s chin wobbled and with a trembling hand he grabbed one of the cups. He pressed his lips together and looked at Ines. As though it were second nature, he proceeded to do his magic trick, and for the first time since they’d arrived, Ines saw some emotion in them. But unlike the mirth that had been present in his eyes all those months ago, those same eyes held nothing but a sadness to them that Ines realized she had chosen to ignore for the last three weeks.

Staring at the cups, Michael’s eyes watered and his shoulder shook. “I… I…”

Feeling a chill wash over her, Ines waited for the moment he would say, “I just want to wake up.” Instead, Michael’s voice cracked as he whispered, “I just wanted to go home.”

Disgusted with herself, Ines couldn’t help but think that she would’ve preferred if Michael had said that he just wanted to wake up. She didn’t want to have to think about which home he was referring to.

Michael stood up, knocking over the chair. Startled, he shifted his eyes between the chair and Ines.

“Michael?” Ines asked, concern laced in her voice, rising to get closer to him. She needed to be there for him. “It’s okay. It’s just—”

“No,” Michael said, balling his hands into fists. “Nothing… nothing’s okay.” He began walking away in a desperate manner.

Alarmed, Ines walked right behind him. “Michael, wait.” She was going to grab onto his hand when Michael ran to the bathroom and locked the door.

“Leave me alone,” Michael said, his voice muffled by the door.

Heart and mind racing, Ines begged, “Michael, please open the door.” Ines got no response and she tried pushing the door open. “Please, I beg you, open the door. I didn’t mean to make you upset; it won’t happen again. Just open the door, please.” Twisting and turning the doorknob and adding more pressure to the door, Ines sniffled. “Michael, please. Michael—”

“It’s Mikkel,” Ines heard him cry softly. All the fight let her body and she let her arms drop. She turned around and leaned against the door, slowly sliding to the floor.

Ines wasn’t sure when things went wrong, or what to do, or if the sound she heard was her own cries or his, but she was sure of one thing: she had made everything worse.

* * *

Ines hadn’t felt this alone since 1975.

Was it bad that she just wanted to spend time with her son on her birthday?

Was it bad that she just wanted to see him smile? To hug him?

Was it bad that she wanted some Toast Hawaii?

All the progress Ines thought they had achieved as a family had just crumbled and turned into dust. It was as though it had never even existed. 

They were back to the beginning…

…Or was this the end?

Would ~~Mikkel~~ _Michael_ ever talk to her after today?

What was going to happen after today?

Still sitting on the floor with her back against the bathroom door, Ines stared at the clock. It’d been three hours since ~~Mikk~~ _Michael_ had locked himself in the bathroom. Three hours had passed, and Ines still hadn’t been able to think of a way to get him to open the door. Everything she’d come up with would involve pressuring him, and she didn’t want to do that. The last thing Ines wanted was for _Michael_ to feel so uncomfortable that he wouldn’t want to be around her anymore. It still worried her, though, knowing that he was still locked inside and that she hadn’t done anything about it.

Hoping to hear something, Ines pressed her ear against the door. To her great annoyance, she heard nothing but the words that tormented her mind. 

_I come from the future. My name is Mikkel._

_You don’t get it! Mikkel! My son!_

_I just wanted to go home… It’s Mikkel…_

Ines bit her lips and shuddered.

Was Ines the _real_ child kidnapper?

 _No_ , Ines thought as she took off her crucifix pendant and studied it with blurry eyes _. He’s my son… I lost one and God gave me another one. Even if he isn’t my Michael, I still care for him as if he were my own. I just want the best for him._

But did she really?

Ines closed her eyes and let tears fall down her cheeks. Holding onto her crucifix pendant, she began to pray.

* * *

It was six thirty-three in the morning when Ines heard movement in the bathroom. Still sitting on the floor, Ines lifted her head to see Michael as he cautiously opened the door. Like a child drowning in guilt for having broken something valuable, Michael wrung his hands and avoided Ines’s gaze.

Ines stayed sitting on the floor, unable to think of anything to say to Michael. From where she sat, Ines could see that his eyes were red and puffy. Whether it was from crying or from the lack of sleep, Ines didn’t know but she figured that her eyes looked the same.

Michael kept his eyes on his feet, and he seemed to want to say something. Despite the evident struggle, no words left his lips and he looked like he might shatter to pieces at any moment. There was this sadness in his eyes, and it pained Ines to think that she might’ve been the one responsible for it.

Ines couldn’t think of anything to say because there weren’t enough words for her to use to express what she felt. So she did the only thing she could: she stood up and gently wrapped her arms around him. She closed her eyes and held back a sob.

_I’m sorry._

* * *

_July 16th – September 23rd 1987_

Neither one spoke of what had happened that day. Ines thought it was best if they never thought about it again; some things were best left in the past.

_The past is the past and now is now._

* * *

_September 24th 1987_

It was strange to come back home. In a way, it didn’t feel like home anymore, not because Ines believed that she and Michael had gotten used to the little cabin, but because it felt weird to call a place that was now haunted by the past as _home_. Their home no longer belonged to just them; it also belonged to the people who had entered their lives, their hearts, and their minds like uninvited guests who refused to leave them alone.

From the outside, their home looked dull and abandoned, with only the streetlight to give it some warmth, and even then, just looking at it made Ines shiver more than the cold breeze she knew she would encounter once she left the taxi.

The moment the car stopped, Ines and Michael silently got out.

“Here,” Ines told Michael quietly as she handed him a bag and the keys. “You go inside. I’ll grab the rest.” Ines saw him eye the house and it made her wonder if he was feeling the same way as her.

Would they be able to go back to normal?

Ines paid the taxi driver and then went inside.

“Right…” Ines said as she walked towards Michael who was by the dining table. She set down their bags on the floor, and then turned on the lights. “Here we are again.” Searching for a way to make conversation and get back to _normal_ , Ines went to the kitchen and opened a cabinet. “Should I make us a hot chocolate? Or are you hungry?” When Michael didn’t reply, Ines stopped what she was doing and turned around to find him staring at the door that led to the garden. She didn’t want him to think about _that_ June day. “Michael?”

Michael turned around to look at her.

“Are you hungry?” Ines asked with a smile.

He nodded.

“I’ll prepare something for us,” Ines told him as she grabbed the ingredients for their dinner. Looking at the clock, she pressed her lips together. “If you can, can you please take your things upstairs and put them away while I cook?” She saw him grab his things and slowly go upstairs. Taking advantage of that opportunity, Ines quietly opened one of her bags and grabbed the last of the sleeping pills.

As she poured the medicine into the drink, Ines realized that she no longer felt as tense as she did before. Whatever danger she had felt deep within her back in June was gone for good; she could just feel it. 

_Maybe getting back to normal won't be that hard, after all..._


	14. Déjà vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squeezing herself in the space between the wall and the woman, Hannah said, “A guy escaped from the nuthouse this summer.” The woman finally looked at Hannah and the small flicker of familiarity became stronger. It almost felt like déjà vu, and it wasn’t even the good kind either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I ramble, I want to thank rosabell14, sealandreich, Tricia_Guima, justalittlehappytree, and CaLeTaTa for your comments ^_^  
> I also want to give thanks to everyone who reads this fic as well :) I appreciate it. 
> 
> This chapter is a long one (too long) but that might be because Hannah's always fun to write. Or it might be because this chapter actually has one of the first scenes (if not, the first scene ever) I ever wrote for this fic all the way back in late July/early August *covers face with hands*. 4 ~ 5 months later but it's finally here. A few things were changed/added from the original draft, but most of it as well as its essence is still the same, I think. If I remember correctly, it might've began as a oneshot before I thought/was encouraged to write a multi-chapter fic. I hope that scene (or rather, what happens) doesn't seem too out of place. 
> 
> After this chapter, I'll be focusing on the time between Fall '87 and Summer 2019 before coming back to canon *tries not to think how long this thing is going to be*. In other words, after this chapter is where I start to self-indulge even more given that canon doesn't cover these years. 
> 
> Enjoy the reading and take care! :) 
> 
> PS: Hopefully I will have one more chapter before the year's over. If not (which I doubt), I'll be back in January and continue.  
> If I'm not back by the end of this month, I want wish everyone a wonderful holiday season and an amazing 2021 as well as give many thanks to everyone :)

_August 17th 1987_

BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP!

Snuggling her face against her pillow, Hannah blindly hit the snooze button on her alarm clock.

_Five more minutes…_

BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP!

Hannah whimpered and covered her ears.

_Just a little bit more…_

BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP!

Finally accepting defeat, Hannah scowled and sat up. “I get it! I get it!” She turned off the alarm clock and stood up, letting out a big yawn. Rubbing her eyes, Hannah grumbled, “Time to go back to hell.”

After she got ready, Hannah gave her bed a longing look and sighed. As much as she wanted to go back to sleep and enjoy the comfort the darkness provided, she didn’t want to be late for the first day back to school. Even though nothing was ever done, Hannah still considered it to be the most important day of the school year. It was the one time of year to reinvent oneself. It was the only time of year to show off and impress everyone how much one had changed since the summer even if no one ever really changed in Winden.

Curious to see if she’d changed at all, Hannah stood in front of the mirror and studied her features. To her great disappointment, she looked as unremarkable as always. Hannah could only hope that her friends, who hadn’t seen Hannah in almost an entire month, would be able to see something new in her that she hadn’t been able to see in herself. Of course, that was if her friends remembered her at all; as much as it hurt to think about it, Hannah knew it was a possibility for it had happened before. She’d written it about it in her diary more times that she would’ve wanted.

 _That would never happen to Ulrich or Katharina,_ she thought bitterly. _Everyone always notices and remembers them._ Pulling on her dress hem, Hannah’s lip curled into a small smile. _But maybe Ulrich remembers me, and if he remembers me then everyone else will…_

But _did_ he remember her?

Did Ulrich think about Hannah as much as she thought about him?

Had he given her any thought after that day at the lake?

Hannah’s smile dropped and she narrowed her eyes. _I doubt it… if he had, he would’ve told someone to call me and invite me over. He was probably too busy with Katharina._ Hannah could only hope they weren’t together anymore. But who was she kidding? She knew better than anyone how in love Ulrich and Katharina were with each other.

Unless…

Biting her lip, Hannah eyed her alarm clock; she still had plenty of time before she had to leave for school. Unable to help herself, Hannah opened her desk drawer and got her Magic 8-Ball.

_Will Ulrich and Katharina break up?_

Firmly closing her eyes, Hannah shook the ball for about ten seconds.

She opened her left eye to see her answer.

REPLY HAZY TRY AGAIN

“Oh, come on!” Hannah cried, shaking the ball again.

VERY DOUBTFUL

“Stupid thing.” Patience running thin, Hannah glared at the Magic 8-Ball.

BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW

Hannah sighed; at least now she had the hope that the breakup could happen. Testing her luck, she thought of another question.

_Does anyone remember me?_

YES DEFINITELY

Maybe the Magic 8-Ball wasn’t _that_ bad.

_Will things be better this year?_

OUTLOOK GOOD

_Will anyone notice me today?_

MOST LIKELY

_Will it be Ulrich?_

NO

“Well, great,” Hannah muttered under her breath, wrinkling her nose in disapproval.

_Will Ulrich at least smile at my way today?_

BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW

Hannah shook the ball again.

WITHOUT A DOUBT

Smirking, Hannah considered her next question. Even though she’d asked the Magic 8-Ball the question many times before, it’d been a while since she’d done so.

_Will we ever kiss?_

ASK AGAIN LATER

She rolled her eyes and shook the ball again, desperately wishing she’d get the answer she wanted.

_Will Ulrich and I ever kiss?_

YES DEFINITELY

She let out a squeal and she grinned until her cheeks hurt. Being more than pleased with that answer, Hannah opened her desk drawer to put the Magic 8-Ball away when she heard a small metallic noise coming from the drawer’s back right corner. Furrowing her brows, Hannah moved things around until she found the object. It was the bottle cap.

Even after all these months, for reasons she couldn’t understand, Hannah hadn’t been able to get rid of the bottle cap. Sometimes, when she remembered its existence, Hannah tried recreating the magic trick Michael had shown her back at the hospital. Other times, she would place the object on the ground and imagine that she could move it with her mind. But most of the times, Hannah would look at the bottle cap and think of the mysterious Michael Kahnwald, who’d just vanished into thin air. Hannah hadn’t seen him since the last week of school, and as far as she was aware, no one knew or cared where he’d gone to; well, no one except her.

 _Maybe he broke the Winden curse and left,_ Hannah thought sadly as she ran a finger on the bottle cap’s smooth surface. _Unless…_

Deciding it was worth the try, Hannah took the Magic 8-Ball and began shaking it.

_Will I see him today?_

CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN

Hannah rolled her eyes and sighed exasperatedly.

_Will I ever see him again?_

REPLY HAZY TRY AGAIN

She brought the Magic 8-Ball to her lips and whispered, “Will I ever see Michael Kahnwald again?” Closing her eyes, she shook the object for ten seconds.

Afraid of receiving an unpleasant answer, Hannah held her breath and slowly turned the ball over.

YES

Satisfied, Hannah left for school on her bicycle. She spent the entire bike ride convincing herself that she was smiling because she knew that Ulrich would one day kiss her, and not because it pleased Hannah to know that she would see Michael Kahnwald again.

* * *

Hannah didn’t know why she’d decided to believe the Magic 8-Ball. She knew better than anyone that the stupid thing tended to play with her feelings. It still didn’t explain why she felt so disappointed.

It was a school day like any other. No one paid Hannah much attention; her friends didn’t bother asking her about what she’d done since they’d last seen her. Hannah couldn’t blame them though; not even she would be interested in hearing about it. Like any other day, Hannah nodded and laughed at people’s stories, as well as pretended not to notice Ulrich ignoring her in favor of paying attention to everyone else. And unlike she’d hoped, there were no signs of Michael anywhere, though she wasn’t sure why that disappointed her so much.

_Bummer._

The only highlight of Hannah’s day came thanks to Ingrid.

Hannah’s friends were talking about everything and nothing when Ingrid barged into their circle and exclaimed, “Guess what? I got all the photos developed!”

Everyone cheered and huddled around Ingrid as she passed of stacks of photographs.

“Are the ones from the lake here?” Hannah asked, standing on her tiptoes to peek over Heidi’s shoulder.

Ingrid nodded, handing out more photos and proceeding to give some to Hannah. “And the ones from the first summer party as well.”

Hannah was about to start looking through the photographs when Otto snatched them from her hands. Hannah opened her mouth to protest, but Otto turned around and snickered, “Hey, Klaus, do you remember this?” He held a photo to Klaus’s face. “Man, that was fun. You can finally see how stupid you looked.”

“Ha ha, very funny” Klaus sniggered, stealing the photo from Otto’s hands. “Let’s see the ones from your place.” Klaus looked around and shouted, “Does anyone have the pictures from when we went to Otto’s place?”

Passing out even more photographs, Ingrid said, “Those weren’t taken with my camera. I have the ones from when we went to Heidi’s place though.”

“I want to see,” Hannah whined, switching between standing on her tiptoes and trying to push her way into the group. “I haven’t seen a single one.”

No one listened.

Feeling her face get hot, Hannah leaned against the wall and crossed her arms. At the rate things were going, she would have to wait for everyone to finish so that she could finally see the stupid photographs. Not only was Hannah was curious to see how many she appeared in, but she was also excited to see the photo she’d taken with Ulrich.

“The pictures by the lake are really good,” Hannah heard someone say. “Who took them?”

Unable to stop herself, Hannah grinned; she had worked hard on those. Thinking people would finally give her the praise and recognition she so desperately wanted, Hannah waited for someone to say her name and give her credit. To her dismay, Hannah got the opposite.

Otto shrugged. “I think it was Klaus? I don’t remember. Does it matter?”

How could they forget that she, Hannah Krüger, had been the one to take the photographs they just happen to be looking at?

Scowling, Hannah balled her hands into fists and punched Otto’s arm. “ _Yes_ , it matters. _I_ took the photos. A ‘ _thank you, Hannah_ ’ would be nice.”

Rubbing his arm where Hannah had landed her punch, Otto said, “Oh, my bad. I didn’t know, Hannah.”

He didn’t know? He was the one who told her to do it!

Hannah narrowed her eyes. “Well, now you know. Now, can you please hand over some photos? I would like to see them.”

Amused, Otto held back a chuckle. “Sure, here you go. Oh, and _thank you_ Hannah for such wonderful pictures.”

Hannah barely got to look at the first photograph when Otto snatched them again from her hands. To Hannah’s chagrin, Otto held them high above her head, leaving Hannah with no choice but to give him her best death glare. The mischievous glint in Otto’s gray eyes disappeared and he raised his hands. “Okay! Okay! I’ll give them to you. _Geez_!”

Did he _really_ think she was going to start jumping like a monkey for his sake? _Please_.

It was only when Otto moved on to bother someone else that Hannah finally calmed down and focused on the photographs in her hands.

Although initially thrilled, the more time Hannah spent flipping through the photos, the less excited she became. She realized that, despite having attended to many of the get-togethers during the summer, there was barely any evidence that demonstrated her presence. Why? If Hannah had been there, then why weren’t there photos of her?

It wasn’t to say that Hannah didn’t appear in any of the photographs, but in the few that she did, she was barely noticeable—sometimes she could be “seen” in the background and other times she had her back towards the camera. The ones that left a bad taste in Hannah’s mouth were the ones where she was out of focus, looking like a smudge that needed to be wiped off. She felt tempted to demand what had happened and who had taken the photos until she remembered how someone had unknowingly given her praise for the photos she’d taken. Telling herself it wasn’t as bad as she thought it to be, Hannah reminded herself that there was only one photograph she truly wanted to see. To her disappointment, the bell rang and everyone went to class.

Hannah didn’t get to see the photos from the lake until after the school day ended, and by then, everyone had moved on from the summer photos and onto another topic of conversation. But Hannah didn’t care; in fact, she considered it a blessing in disguise. While everyone else was distracted, Hannah slipped the only photo of herself—the one with Ulrich and Katharina—into her pocket. It was one of the few times in which Hannah was thankful that she was invisible to absolutely everyone.

* * *

The moment Hannah arrived home, she let out a squeal of happiness. She was thankful her father wasn’t home because Hannah spent about fifteen minutes jumping and twirling all around the house.

Hannah placed the photograph against her chest, a grin so huge on her face that her cheeks had begun to hurt. She had a photo of Ulrich! An actual photo and not one from the newspaper! And this wasn’t just any regular photo; no, in this one he was with _her_ , Hannah Krüger. Admittedly, Katharina was in the photo but that didn’t matter. Hannah had evidence that _the_ Ulrich Nielsen had wrapped _his_ arm around her—Hannah’s—shoulder and that he was smiling because of it.

Calming down, Hannah went to her room and spent an hour lying on her bed just staring at the photograph.

Ulrich was with her!

He must’ve been happy about that, right?

Right?

Hannah’s happiness slowly slipped away the longer she stared at the photograph though. As much as she wanted to believe that Ulrich had been happy to have had taken a photo with her, she knew better than that. The photograph in her hands wouldn’t let her lie to herself and Hannah wasn’t delusional enough to ignore how clear Ulrich’s body language showed who he preferred. Not only was Ulrich leaning towards Katharina—as shown by their knees touching and his hand bringing her closer to him—, he was also keeping a slight distance from Hannah. To Ulrich, Katharina would always come first, and Hannah hated having to admit that. Clenching her jaw, Hannah covered Katharina’s face with her thumb, imagining that this would somehow erase Katharina from existence.

 _Maybe I should just rip her out,_ Hannah thought, holding onto the photograph and placing her thumb and index finger together. _No one would know._ She just needed to add pressure and push down for Katharina’s presence to cease existing in that moment in time.

But the seconds passed and no matter how much she wanted it, Hannah couldn’t bring herself to do it. She didn’t hate Katharina that much to erase her forever. Besides, what if, while trying to tear Katharina away from Ulrich, Hannah ruined Ulrich’s side of the photograph? Wouldn’t that make all of Hannah’s efforts go down the drain? And, in the hypothetical case that Hannah succeeded in not damaging Ulrich’s side of the photograph, and she did manage to make it into a photo of just herself and Ulrich, wouldn’t it look suspicious?

 _Katharina could come one day and find it_ , Hannah thought nervously. _Things could go badly…_

So how could Hannah solve her dilemma?

After much thought, Hannah settled on simply folding Katharina’s side of the photograph. If anything ever happened and anyone asked, Hannah could always say that she had forgotten about the photo and that she had found it stuck and bent between some books or something.

And that’s what Hannah did, even if she knew that, no matter what, Katharina would always be there, reminding Hannah that without her, Hannah was absolutely no one.

 _I could disappear and no one would notice,_ Hannah thought, covering her small face on the photo with her thumb. _And if they did, they wouldn’t care…_

* * *

_September 18th 1987_

Maybe the Magic 8-Ball hadn’t been playing with Hannah after all, because, for the first time ever, there was the possibility that Ulrich and Katharina would become nothing but history.

The first sign had happened earlier in the week, and it’d been quite subtle too; Hannah was sure that she had been the first one—if not, the only one—to notice it.

Katharina, Ingrid, and Hannah had huddled together in their area of the hallway, talking about music, when, from the corner of her eye, Hannah saw Ulrich walk by with Otto and Klaus. Just as Ulrich had strolled right past them, Hannah had caught him briefly looking at Katharina before leaving the hallway. Hannah had frowned and had glanced at Katharina. But Katharina hadn’t bothered looking up; in fact, despite how loud Otto, Klaus, and Ulrich had been, Katharina had ignored them in favor of talking about music. To Hannah, that had been the strangest thing ever because, even though it was quite normal for Katharina to be seen without Ulrich and vice versa, it wasn’t normal for them not to greet each other whenever they crossed paths in the hallway. And Hannah knew Katharina had heard Ulrich walk by because, just as Ulrich had been about to disappear, Katharina had looked at the back of Ulrich’s head for about a second or two before continuing her conversation with Ingrid.

The whole thing had left Hannah wondering if she had perhaps imagined it, until the same thing had happened the following day. For the next couple of days, Ulrich and Katharina avoided each other.

Had something happened? And if so, then what?

That was why, right after the last class of the day finished, Hannah joined Katharina on her walk home. Hannah had spent the whole week wondering if Katharina would share with her what had happened with Ulrich, but given that Katharina had stayed mum, Hannah figured she had to ask Katharina instead.

“Did something happen?” Hannah asked quietly, giving Katharina a side glance.

Katharina kept her eyes straight ahead. “What do you mean, Hannah?”

Pulling on her jacket sleeve, Hannah stammered, “I mean, did something happen between you and Ulrich?”

To Hannah’s surprise, Katharina’s answer didn’t have a drop of malice or accusation in it. “Why do you ask?”

Feeling Katharina’s eyes on her, Hannah put her hands in her pockets and shrugged. “You haven’t said hello to each other these last couple of days. It’s weird, you know? With you two being together and all.”

Katharina stopped walking and tilted her head upwards. “And what is it to you if something did happen between us?”

Was that a challenge?

Not falling for the bait, Hannah took a deep breath in and shuffled her feet. “Nothing... It’s just… Well, you and Ulrich are my friends. _You’re_ my best friend, Katharina, and you’ve been off. I’m just… never mind.”

Whatever barrier Katharina had built around herself crumbled a little and she confessed in a small voice, “We just had a disagreement. Ulrich and I will get over it because we love each other.” But despite her words, Hannah could tell Katharina sounded unsure of her future with Ulrich.

Picking up the pace, Katharina changed the subject, leaving Hannah with more questions than answers.

* * *

As she laid on her bed, Hannah was still wondering what could’ve possibly had happened between Ulrich and Katharina. For as long as Hannah could remember, Ulrich and Katharina hadn’t had any real fights. They might’ve argued with each other over trivial things, but it never extended to anything serious enough that they wouldn’t speak to one another.

So, what could’ve happened?

Since the question just wouldn’t leave her mind, Hannah decided that a bike ride around Winden would help clear her head.

By the time Hannah decided she wanted to go home, almost all of her thoughts on Ulrich and Katharina had disappeared. Fate seemed to have other plans though, because, just like that November night almost a year ago, Hannah spotted none other than Ulrich at the bus stop.

Should she ignore him and go straight home, or should she relive that November night?

_Maybe tonight will be different from that day…_

“Hey, Ulrich!” Hannah shouted, hoping he would notice her and invite her to join him. But unlike that night, Ulrich ignored her. Hannah knew he’d heard her because she’d seen him briefly look at her. 

Frowning, Hannah hopped off her bicycle. She was debating whether she was going to give Ulrich a piece of her mind when she saw Ulrich’s face. Her eyes widened and she let out a gasp. “Ulrich, what happened?”

“Get lost,” Ulrich said, doing his best to glare at her but failing miserably. Wincing, Ulrich wiped away the blood coming from his nose with his shirt.

“Tell me what happened,” Hannah insisted, sitting next to him. Upon closer inspection, Hannah noticed that not only was Ulrich’s nose bleeding but that his eyes were swollen and bruised. Hannah held back a grimace. “Ulrich, let me see.” Hannah lifted her hand, but Ulrich pulled away from her. Hannah sighed and scooted closer. “You’re my friend and I’m here for you. If there’s anything you need—"

“What I need is for you to leave me alone,” he said curtly, wiping his nose. “Get lost, Hannah.”

Blood boiling, Hannah snapped, “You know what, Ulrich? You may think you’re indestructible and above everyone and everything but let me tell you something: you’re just like the rest of us. So stop being a jerk and tell me what happened.” She crossed her arms and let out a huff.

“You’re worse than Katharina,” he scoffed, shaking his head. “I got into a fight. _Happy_?”

How dare he compare her to Katharina?

Hannah was about to snap at him again when she remembered what Katharina had said earlier in the day. Hannah pressed her lips together and narrowed her eyes. If she did this right, she would find out what had happened between them. “I can tell, Ulrich, I’m not blind. That still doesn’t answer the question though. What happened?”

“It’s none of your business, Hannah,” he warned her. “Now, piss off.”

Ignoring him, Hannah leaned back on her seat. With an icy tone, she said, “True, but if Katharina sees you like this she’ll get upset and she might do something that can affect her. We both know that she might end up worse than you.” Hannah could practically hear Ulrich tensing at what Hannah was implying. “She’s my best friend and whatever happens to her affects me too.”

Ulrich remained silent and he kept his eyes on his shoes.

Staring straight ahead, Hannah continued, “Unless it was Katharina who did this to you, which I doubt. Unless…” She shook her head and let out a chuckle. “Did you do this to yourself to make her pamper you?” Hannah heard Ulrich let out a humorless laugh and mumble something under his breath. Raising her eyebrows, Hannah turned to him. “Who knew Ulrich Nielsen was _that_ desperate for attention?”

“Do you ever shut up?” Ulrich snapped, cleaning his nose again. “Katharina didn’t hit me, and I didn’t hit myself. I’m not pathetic. I took a hit for her.”

Hannah scrunched her nose. Ulrich took a hit for Katharina? No one was stupid enough to think about hitting Katharina, let alone actually do it. And even if someone did dare to hit her, Katharina wouldn’t allow it. There was no one who could land a punch on her; well, no one except… Hannah’s blood went cold. She placed her hands on Ulrich’s arm and whispered, “Did Katharina’s mother do this?”

“No,” he sighed. “But if it meant that Katharina would get hurt less than I would gladly take them.” He shoved Hannah’s hand off and searched for his cigarettes.

Hannah frowned. “Then…”

“I got into a fight with Otto,” Ulrich confessed, lighting his cigarette. “The asshole said something about Katharina, and I punched him.”

“ _Otto_?” Hannah asked dumbfounded. That made no sense; Otto was part of their circle and one of Ulrich’s closest friends. Why would Otto say something about Katharina that would make Ulrich punch him? Unless… “Is Otto the reason why you guys broke up?”

“Is that what Katharina said?” Ulrich asked, trying to sound indifferent. Hannah saw through his façade though; she could see the fear in his eyes.

Whether he was asking about the breakup or Otto, Hannah didn’t know, but she decided to be as vague as he was. Eying him curiously, Hannah said, “No, she didn’t. But every story has two sides. What’s yours?”

Ulrich spared her a look. He stretched out his long legs and continued smoking.

Had Hannah gone too far? Had she been too obvious with her intentions?

Waiting for Ulrich to say something, Hannah played with her sleeves and began thinking of what she would say should Ulrich connect the dots.

“I told her we should run away,” Ulrich confessed, breaking the silence. He took an indulgent drag from his cigarette, his eyes elsewhere.

Hannah’s grip on her sleeves tightened and she gave Ulrich an incredulous stare. Her voice trembled. “Run away?”

_Please tell me I heard wrong._

Ulrich finally looked at her and gave her a humorless chuckle. “Yeah. Run away and leave this shithole and our shitty families behind.”

Hannah’s breathing stopped and she became lightheaded; she felt as though part of her soul wanted to leave her body. If Ulrich kept talking, Hannah didn’t pay attention; her mind was still processing what he’d just said.

Run away.

Leave Winden.

Leave Hannah behind.

Abandon her.

She was going to be alone.

She didn’t want that.

She truly didn’t.

Not again.

Snapping her out of her thoughts, Hannah heard Ulrich say, “But she said no.” Hannah welcomed the air back into her lungs. Ulrich didn’t seem to have noticed her reaction because he continued talking. “She said we needed to finish school and that we wouldn’t last a day.”

“She has a point,” Hannah said, desperately hoping that Ulrich had listened to Katharina and changed his mind for good. But in case he still hadn’t changed his mind, then it was up to Hannah to make him stay. “Ulrich, you can’t just leave.”

“Why?” he challenged harshly.

Unable to think of any convincing arguments other than him staying for her, Hannah meekly said, “Well, you have a life here.”

“I could have a life outside of Winden,” Ulrich countered, finishing his cigarette.

“What about your friends then?”

“They hate Winden as much as I do.” He got another cigarette and looked at her in a mocking way. “Other than Katharina there is no reason to stay in Winden.”

Hannah tilted her head downwards and chewed on her lip.

_Here goes nothing._

“What about your brother?” Hannah asked quietly, taking in how Ulrich’s expression had changed. “What would you do if he came back and you weren’t there to see him?”

Ulrich threw his cigarette away and took a deep breath in.

Wringing her hands, Hannah continued, “I think… well, I think that you shouldn’t stay for Katharina. Stay for yourself, for your brother, for your future, for…” _For me._ “Stay and show Winden you’re better than it will ever be.”

Ulrich scoffed and stood up.

Desperately, Hannah grabbed his arm. Ulrich turned to scowl at her hand before harshly pulling his arm away from her.

“Ulrich?”

Ulrich fixed his jacket and walked away, leaving Hannah behind.

* * *

_September 22nd 1987_

After Ulrich had left Hannah all alone that night, Hannah had spent the weekend wondering if she’d done the right thing. To her great relief, Ulrich had shown up to school, eyes still bruised and a gauze covering his nose. And although Hannah hadn’t seen Ulrich with Katharina, it still had pleased her to think that she’d managed to make him change his mind and stay in Winden for longer.

Once the bell rang, Hannah joined Katharina and Ingrid as they walked towards their next class. Even though Ingrid was complaining about the quiz she was sure she’d just failed, Hannah’s attention was elsewhere. She didn’t know if she was imagining it, but she thought she saw some students with what seemed to be a flyer with Michael Kahnwald’s picture on it.

What had happened to him now? Had he gone missing?

Hannah didn’t have time to think about Michael though, because Katharina, who was walking in front of her, slowed down. Hannah walked around her and saw Ulrich talking to a strange blonde woman. Even without seeing the woman’s features, Hannah got the feeling like she’d seen the woman before.

“Hey, Ulrich,” Hannah said shyly, unable to hold back a smile at the sight of him.

Ulrich barely glanced her way because Katharina said, “Ulrich? I thought you weren’t coming today.” She walked towards him, and almost as though to rub it in Hannah’s face that he had stayed in Winden for her and not for Hannah, Katharina put an arm around Ulrich’s neck and gave him a long kiss.

And just like that, Ulrich and Katharina, the rulers of Winden, were together again.

 _You’ve got to be kidding me,_ Hannah thought. _Well, great. This is just great._ Annoyed, Hannah stated, “Katharina. We’ll be late for history class.” But not unsurprisingly, Katharina ignored her and continued shoving her tongue down Ulrich’s throat. Blood boiling, Hannah said, “Katharina Albers? Hello?”

At that, Katharina finally let go of Ulrich and spared Hannah a glance. To add to Hannah’s already growing anger, Ulrich kept his eyes on Katharina, apparently still enchanted by their stupid kiss.

“I remember,” Hannah heard the strange woman whisper.

Since Hannah had her eyes on Ulrich, she only heard Katharina ask, “What’s with her?”

Ulrich finally tore his eyes away from Katharina and looked at the strange woman. “The old bat’s not all there,” he replied, wrapping his arm around Katharina’s shoulders. They began to walk away just as the bell rang, leaving Hannah behind. “Come on.”

“Hey!” the strange woman shouted, trailing behind Ulrich, Katharina, and Ingrid. “Hey! What madman? What madman?”

It was only once Hannah could no longer see Ulrich, Katharina, and Ingrid that she realized that the hallway was empty. Hannah and the strange woman were the only ones left.

This woman had to be the reason why Hannah had seen flyers with Michael’s picture on them. Even though Hannah barely knew anything about Michael, she knew enough to wonder if this woman might’ve known him from before he arrived to Winden. Could she perhaps be a relative? That would make sense, no? Why else would someone be so desperate to find out information about a kid she didn’t know?

 _She could be a crazy woman_ , Hannah thought. _Ulrich did say she wasn’t all there._ But if the woman was a relative who was looking for Michael, wouldn’t it make sense that she wasn’t all there? Hadn’t something similar happened to Ulrich’s mother? Could this woman be Michael’s mother? Is that why she seemed familiar? Then why did Hannah feel like that wasn’t the reason why the woman felt familiar? And what if the woman was just some crazy lady? Why was Hannah lingering around instead of going straight to class?

 _Because if she really is his relative,_ Hannah thought, _wouldn’t telling her what happened to Michael be the right thing to do? And maybe she could tell me something about him too…_

Squeezing herself in the space between the wall and the woman, Hannah said, “A guy escaped from the nuthouse this summer.” The woman finally looked at Hannah and the small flicker of familiarity became stronger. It almost felt like déjà vu, and it wasn’t even the good kind either.

Pushing away the uneasy feeling that was creeping up, Hannah continued, “He tried to drag Michael into the cave.” The woman’s face twisted with concerned, and suddenly, the déjà vu got stronger and Hannah knew she needed to leave. Heading for the exit, she gave the strange woman a small shrug. “It was in the paper.”

Hannah barely lifted her foot off the ground when the déjà vu grew even stronger; she already knew—felt—that the woman was going to grab her by the shoulders and push her against the wall. And not even a split second had passed before the woman did just that. The woman brought her face so close to Hannah’s own that Hannah could not only see every speck of dirt and grime on the woman’s face, but she could also smell and feel the threat and hatred oozing out of the woman’s skin. In an uncanny way, it reminded Hannah of all the times she’d been next to Katharina whenever Katharina had pinned someone against a wall or locker.

Hannah waited for the woman to ask her for more information on the madman and Michael; heck, Hannah even waited for her to tell her she was going to kill her. Instead, the woman surprised Hannah when she whispered angrily, “You keep your mitts off Mikkel! And Ulrich!” The woman abruptly took her hands off Hannah and backed away, her menacing eyes never leaving Hannah’s.

_I’ve seen those eyes before… they’re just like Katharina’s… they feel like hers too…_

Confused and scared out of her mind, Hannah walked towards the hallway door and gave the woman one last glance before never turning back.

That was…

“So creepy,” Hannah said, rubbing her arms in hopes of getting rid of the déjà vu feeling.

She hoped she would never have to see that woman ever again.

* * *

For the remainder of the day, Hannah’s mind kept replaying her exchange with the strange woman. Hannah was so out of it that she unconsciously kept her distance from Katharina and avoided looking at Katharina in the eye; Hannah just couldn’t shake away the coldness that washed over her as she remembered the strange woman’s eerie resemblance to Katharina.

What was more unsettling to Hannah though, was the woman’s bizarre warning. No matter what Hannah did, she couldn’t place her finger on why the woman had said what she’d said. If the woman was looking for Michael, then why did she tell Hannah to stay away from Mikkel and Ulrich? What did Ulrich have to do with anything? And who was Mikkel?

It wasn’t until Hannah’s head landed on her pillow that she remembered who Mikkel was.

Hannah sat up and kept her eyes on the desk, where she knew the bottle cap was hidden. “He said his name was Mikkel.”

_Mikkel, the boy from the future._

What did this mean? And most importantly, how did the woman know that Mikkel was Michael’s real name?

Unless…

“She can’t be his mother,” Hannah whispered to herself, pulling the sheets closer to her. “He said she was a principal, and she didn’t look like one.”

That didn’t mean she couldn’t be one, though. But would a principal look _that_ deranged? Would a principal physically threaten a student? No, right? But if she really was his mother, and he was missing, wouldn’t it make sense that she looked and acted crazy? Aren’t mothers supposed to lose their minds when their child goes missing?

“I wouldn’t know,” Hannah murmured bitterly. She then sighed and rested her head against her pillow. She frowned. “Wasn’t Michael hurt when he showed up to Winden?”

Was it because of his mother? Is that why he ran away? But hadn’t he been looking for her almost a year ago? If she was violent, then why would he look for her?

 _Maybe he thought she was going to hurt him even worse_ , Hannah thought sadly. Maybe that’s why he confronted Katharina that day. _Or maybe he was just afraid of being left behind and abandoned._

Whatever the truth was, Hannah wouldn’t know unless she asked Michael. Should Hannah go to the Kahnwald home and ask him? Or should she go back to the hospital and see if Nurse Kahnwald was back? But if she went to the hospital, wouldn’t Nurse Kahnwald want to know why she was asking for Michael? What would Hannah tell her? Should she warn her about the strange woman? Would Nurse Kahnwald even believe her? Would Nurse Kahnwald take Michael away from Winden? Were they even in Winden? Was Michael ever coming back? Why was Hannah thinking about this when she needed to go to sleep?

Hannah didn’t sleep that night.

* * *

_September 23rd 1987_

Hannah saw the woman again; except this time, it wasn’t at school. This time, while Hannah waited inside of her father’s van, she saw the strange woman going through the nuthouse’s doors. The sight puzzled Hannah until she thought the following: either the woman was truly Michael’s—Mikkel’s—mother and she was going to confront the madman, or the woman was another escaped patient and she was going to get the madman out and go after Michael.

Hannah’s heart plummeted to her stomach.

What was Hannah supposed to do? Should she warn Michael? Should she go to the police?

An hour later, after much deliberation, Hannah pedaled like a maniac to the Kahnwald home. Sweaty and out of breath, Hannah jumped off her bicycle and ran towards the door. Hannah knocked and called out Michael’s name, but no one answered. She then walked around the house and peeked through the windows, seeing nothing but an abandoned home.

Feeling stupid for having worried so much, Hannah hopped on her bike and left.

* * *

_September 28th 1987_

Even though he looked different, Hannah knew that the boy standing in the middle of the courtyard was none other than Michael Kahnwald. Hannah didn’t know how she knew it, but she just did.

Excited to see and hear him again, Hannah began walking towards him. But for some reason, Hannah’s surroundings became slightly blurry and her hearing got muffled. As confusing and concerning as that was, Hannah kept walking until she was right by Michael’s side. Everything after that felt… strange, in a good way.

Although Hannah couldn’t hear the words that left her mouth, she still knew what she was telling Michael; she just did. The same happened with whatever Michael was telling her. Even if her senses were dulled, she could still experience the mixture of emotions flowing through her, and how they became more intense as their conversation progressed.

Things took an even stranger turn when everything went dark, because it was only then that Hannah could hear again. She heard him say, “Thank y—” 

BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP!

Hannah opened her eyes and loosened the hold she had on her pillow; she must’ve hugged it sometime throughout the night.

“I’ve had that dream before,” she whispered. “I know it… but whenever I wake up, I never remember it… I’m just left with… a feeling…” Frowning, Hannah first stared at the pillow and then at her arms—although she felt warm, her arms were covered in goosebumps.

What did this mean? And why did she remember it today?

“Hannah!” Hannah heard her father called out through the door. “Wake up and turn off the alarm!”

_Huh?_

“You’ll be late for school,” her father said. “I’m coming in.”

BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP!

Hannah rolled her eyes and turned off the alarm. “No need to, Papa! I’m wake.” She got up and opened her drawer. She took the bottle cap out and examined it.

Why would she dream about Michael?

* * *

“No way…” Hannah whispered to herself, a shiver running down her spine. “The Magic 8-Ball was right…”

All Hannah had to do was place a foot on the hallway to know that Michael Kahnwald was back.

There weren’t many people talking about him, and the few that were seemed to be in his grade level. Hannah didn’t care. If people were talking about him, then that meant there was news of him, and any news was good news to her. Ever since her exchange with the strange woman, Hannah had kept her eyes and ears alert for any signs or news on Michael Kahnwald. She’d been so focused on him that she hadn’t realized that Ulrich and Katharina hadn’t shown up to school on Friday until the school day was over; Ulrich and Katharina could’ve left Winden and Hannah wouldn’t have noticed. Thankfully for Hannah, Ulrich and Katharina hadn’t left; Hannah didn’t need any more proof than them holding hands while talking to their friends. What Hannah needed was more proof that Michael was indeed back, because despite her gut feeling and the chatter from the hallway, she hadn’t seen him.

_Where is he?_

Hannah got her answer from her friends; well, from Otto if she wanted to be more specific.

“You guys will never guess,” Otto began, joining their circle, “apparently, the kid the madman tried to kidnap is back.”

Heidi raised an eyebrow. “So?”

“So?” Klaus asked, visibly shocked. “It means we lost some money.”

Ingrid frowned. “Money? Money from what?”

Heidi rolled her eyes. “These idiots and some other people were betting on whether the madman was going to escape again and kidnap the kid.”

“That’s terrible,” Hannah said, disgust evident in her voice. All eyes were on her and she felt incredibly small. “Why would anyone do that?”

Otto and Klaus exchanged looks. Otto shrugged. “Easy way to make money, you know?”

Hannah couldn’t stop the anger that took over her body. “How would you feel if someone kidnapped you and people were making money off it?”

Laughing, Otto replied, “Well, people weren’t making a bet on me, so—”

Crossing her arms, Hannah challenged him. “Okay then. What if the madman kidnapped your brother? Then what?”

Otto’s nostrils flared and he towered over Hannah. “That’s not the point. Besides, my brother’s a pain. I’d be more than glad if he disappeared.”

“Otto!” Ingrid hissed, eyes shifting from Otto onto Ulrich.

“What?” Otto scowled until he noticed Ulrich was livid. Otto went pale. “Shit, sorry Ulrich. I forg—"

“The bet was to show that the police is full of it,” Ulrich said with contempt, first looking at Hannah before moving on to glare at Klaus and Otto. “But putting money into it is just fucked up.”

Katharina intertwined her fingers with Ulrich’s and pulled him towards her. “Come, Ulrich. Let’s go.”

After Katharina and Ulrich left, there was an awkward silence with the remaining members of the circle.

Not standing the silence, Heidi asked, “Does either one of you know what the kid looks like?

“Yeah,” Klaus said, pointing at a kid by the lockers. “That’s him.”

Otto smacked Klaus’s hand and rolled his eyes. “That’s my brother, you idiot. That one standing by the door is the kid. Didn’t the old bat give you a flyer last week?”

Following Otto’s finger, Hannah saw him.

Michael.

He really was back, and for that, Hannah was glad.

She couldn’t wait to talk to him.

* * *

Once the school day was over, Hannah lied to her friends by saying that she couldn’t join them because she was helping her father. As soon as Hannah made sure all her friends had left, she searched all around school for Michael, until she was sure she was the only person left. All Hannah had to do was go to the courtyard and prove herself wrong, because there, standing in the middle of the courtyard and staring at who knows what on the ground, was none other than Michael. Hannah let out a sigh of relief; she got just in time.

But now that Michael was standing in front of her, Hannah didn’t know how to approach him. Should she tap on his shoulder? Should she ask him how he’s been? Should she ask him about his summer? Or should she just resume the last conversation they had? Should Hannah mention the woman from last week? Or should Hannah avoid talking about the woman? Wasn’t Michael trying to move on from the past? Should Hannah refer to him as Mikkel or as Michael? Should she—

Michael began to walk away.

Not wanting to miss her opportunity, Hannah ran towards him until she was right by his side. When her elbow touched his, Michael jumped. His startled expression would’ve made her laugh if it hadn’t been for how different his eyes looked from before. Hannah couldn’t pinpoint what had changed, but she could just tell. 

Trying to play it cool and hoping her enthusiasm wasn’t too obvious, Hannah said, “Well, if it isn’t the one and only Michael Kahnwald. You finally decided to join us.” She gave him a smirk. “I thought you had escaped the Winden curse but here you are. I guess you really are part of Winden. Welcome back.”

Hannah hoped he would say something to her, but he kept staring at her as though he were trying to remember who she was. She was about to snap at him because she was pretty sure she was one of the few—if not the only one in the entire school—that was glad to have him back, when Michael said quietly, “Hi, Hannah.”

 _His voice changed a little_ , Hannah observed. _It’s a little deeper…_

“He speaks,” Hannah exclaimed with mockery. “And he remembers my name.” Arms akimbo, Hannah glared at him. “Where on earth where you? Honestly, what is it with you appearing and disappearing without warning? I was starting to believe you never even existed.”

“Of course I remember your name,” Michael said without any energy. He tried giving her what she assumed to be a smile. If Hannah was honest, she thought he’d failed miserably.

While she waited for him to say more, Hannah took in his appearance. His voice hadn’t been the only part of him that had changed; he had also grown a little bit taller and he’d cut his hair. Should she make a comment about that? She knew that if it’d been her, she would’ve wanted her friends to say something.

Tired of waiting for him to talk, Hannah sighed exasperatedly. “‘Hi, Hannah. Nice to see you again. How was your summer?’ ‘Nice to see you too, Michael. My summer was fun, no thanks to you. But you wouldn’t know because you weren’t here.’” She shook her head. “You really need to better your conversation skills.”

Hannah gave him a few more seconds, but Michael was just as quiet as before. Pursing her lips together, Hannah decided to push his buttons in hopes of at least getting a reaction out of him. She stood in front of him to block his path. “How was your summer, Michael? Oh wait, let me guess. You were bored without me by your side. I’m pretty sure you were having the time of your life, disappearing, seeing the world, doing your magic tricks, forgetting about our deal. Well, guess what? I didn’t need you because I figured out how to do some tricks all my own.”

There was a flicker of emotion in Michael’s eyes but it wasn’t what Hannah had expected. “I’m sorry about not keeping my end of the deal,” Michael said, voice heavy with sadness. What he said next made Hannah feel ashamed of her behavior. “I had been looking forward to it, but after what happened… Ines said we needed to go away.”

“I know,” Hannah said quietly as she met his eyes. Michael raised his eyebrows and Hannah quickly added, “I went to the hospital to ask if anyone had seen you since, you know, well, since after what happened…”

And just like the first conversation they had, what Michael said next wasn’t what Hannah had been expecting at all. He gave a small but genuine smile. “Did anyone think you were crazy?”

“Huh?”

“It’s just, well, you said that time, never mind…” he stammered, wringing his hands.

Remembering that day, Hannah smirked. “Please, refresh my memory.”

Michael’s cheeks turned pink. “It’s just, well, when I was staying at the hospital, you let me know that you’d been asking around for me and no one knew who I was. You said—”

“I know,” Hannah chuckled. Michael didn’t look amused, so Hannah said, “I was messing with you. I was just surprised you remembered what I said that day.”

“Why wouldn’t I remember?” Michael asked. Hannah’s smile faltered when Michael added, “You tried to make a deal with me because you wanted to know my secrets as a magician.”

“Which you have yet to tell me,” Hannah accused.

Michael raised his eyebrows. “I thought you said you had figured out the tricks without my help.”

Not missing a beat, Hannah said, “My tricks are different than yours.”

“Oh really? Show me.” Michael crossed her arms and gave her a smirk.

Flustered by his challenge, Hannah looked around for anything useful for a trick. “Let me see… well… the thing is…”

And then Michael chuckled. “I’m kidding, Hannah. I know you didn’t learn any tricks.”

Hannah huffed and wrinkled her nose. “And how would you know that?”

Holding back a laugh, Michael shrugged. “Just a feeling.” Hannah kept staring at him until Michael raised his hands. “Fine, I’ll tell you. You kind of gave yourself away. Nice try though.”

And although Hannah wanted to be upset at him, seeing him trying to hold back yet another laugh made her want to laugh as well. “Very funny, Michael.”

“Well,” he began, shuffling his feet. “I have to go. Thank you for talking to me. See you around, Hannah.” He smiled and gave her a half-wave.

Thank you…

The goosebumps from the morning came back and Hannah couldn’t understand why.

_Where did I hear that before?_

Just as Michael turned around to leave, Hannah grabbed his arm and said, “Wait.”

“What’s wrong?” Michael asked, furrowing his brows and eying her hand on his arm.

Hannah let go of his arm and shook her head. “I… I don’t know… I think…” She pulled on her sleeves and cleared her throat. “Where are you going?”

_He’s going to say hospital…_

Stiffening, Michael said, “To the hospital. After what happened, Ines…”

“I’ll go with you,” Hannah blurted out, surprising herself. “We have a lot we need to discuss.”

Michael raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Are you sure? It’s a bit of a walk.”

Hannah rolled her eyes. “I know, I’ve been to the hospital before, remember? Besides, I wouldn’t be offering my company if I didn’t want to.”

“What about your friends?”

“They left a long time ago,” Hannah told him. “I wouldn’t be talking to you if they were around.”

A shadow came over Michael’s eyes. He simply nodded at her and then proceeded to keep his gaze on the ground. Was he upset? Hannah was just telling the truth.

“I lied, by the way,” Hannah confessed, minutes after they’d began their journey to the hospital. Michael eyed her suspiciously. “This summer was… well, it wasn’t what I had wanted it to be. I guess it would’ve been better with you around. I…” Unable to believe what she was about to say next, Hannah mumbled, “I guess I missed talking to you.”

“You missed me?” Michael asked as though he couldn’t believe anyone would miss him.

“I said I missed talking to you,” Hannah corrected him, talking louder this time. “But yeah, in a way I guess I did. It would’ve been nice to have someone to talk about stuff.” She stared at her feet.

“I guess I wasn’t the only one,” Hannah thought she heard Michael murmur.

An awkward silence hung over them until Michael said, “I thought about you while I was away.”

Hannah’s eyes widened. “You did?” Someone had thought about her? Did this mean she wasn’t forgettable?

Michael kicked a rock. He then put his hands in his jacket pockets and shrugged. “Once or twice.” Instead of elaborating, he chose to ask, “What _did_ you do during the summer?”

“The same as always,” Hannah sighed dejectedly. “Stayed home, went out with my friends, went back home, and then repeated everything the next day. Nothing too exciting.” She proceeded to give him a sidelong glance. “What about you? Did you do any magic tricks while you were away?” At the mention of magic tricks, Hannah noticed that Michael tensed ever so slightly.

Had Hannah hit some cord? Did Michael still think she was upset about summer? Because if she was honest with herself, Hannah found that she wasn’t as upset as she wanted to make herself believe she was. Snapping her out of her thoughts, Michael lamented, “I didn’t do much. There wasn’t much to do where I was.”

“I see.” Lighting up the mood, Hannah joked, “I guess it wasn’t the same without me as your audience member.”

But the chuckle Hannah received from Michael wasn’t a genuine one.

Bummer.

Things got awkward again and Hannah didn’t know what to do. Had she messed up?

_Maybe we should talk about something that’s not related to summer…_

“By the way,” Hannah started, clearing her throat, “how was your first day back to school? I don’t think I’ve asked that yet.”

Hannah heard his steps halt and she turned around.

“Michael?”

Almost as though it took him all the bravery in the world, he lifted his gaze from the ground and stared at her.

“Michael?” she asked again, this time drawing her closer to him.

There was something in his eyes that gave Hannah déjà vu.

_I think I know where this is going… I can just feel it. I’ve experienced this before…_

“Hannah,” Michael began quietly, his voice wavering. “Can I ask you something?”

Had he asked her that at any other time, Hannah might’ve replied with something cheeky or smart, something like “ _technically, you already did”_ , but sensing that this wasn’t the time for that, she didn’t. Choosing to ignore how the goosebumps on her arms intensified, Hannah held Michael’s gaze and nodded.

Michael closed his eyes and fidgeted his hands. “Is it true that—” Struggling to breathe, he pinched the bridge of his nose in what Hannah assumed to be an attempt to stop himself from crying. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath in. “Is it true that there was a woman looking for me?”

Hannah’s heart pounded so loudly that its sound almost muted Michael’s question. She felt a shiver run down her spine, and suddenly, the air around her felt heavier.

_We’ve had this conversation before… I know I’ve heard it…_

It was no secret that a woman had been at school with search flyers with Michael’s picture on it. Hannah was sure he had to have heard something about it throughout the day. What Hannah couldn’t understand was why he would ask her of all people if it was true? Did he really think people were lying? Did he think that she was going to tell him the truth? Or did he value what she said? Whatever the reason was, Hannah knew—felt—that whatever she did or didn’t tell him could have a great impact on what happened after today.

Chewing on her lip, Hannah decided she was going to deny the story of the woman who’d come searching for him until she saw Michael’s eyes searching hers. Could she really lie to him when his blue eyes looked so desperate and broken? Something in Hannah’s chest tightened and she knew she couldn’t lie to him. “Yes.”

“What did she look like?”

Hannah kept her eyes on her feet. “She looked… She looked like she wasn’t all there. She looked like she hadn’t slept or taken care of herself in weeks. And her eyes were… they were crazy and scary.” She took a quick peek at Michael’s expression.

“Did she… did she say anything?” he pressed, his eyes becoming desperate.

Hannah opened and closed her mouth; what was she going to tell him? That the strange woman told Hannah to stay away from Ulrich and Mikkel? Hannah avoided his eyes. “She kept asking people about you. It seemed like she hadn’t read the papers, because I told her that no one had seen you since… Well, since you know when.”

“Did she say her name? Did she mention any other name than Michael?”

 _Ah crap_ , Hannah thought, becoming tense herself. Keeping her voice as gentle as possible, Hannah replied with, “Do you know who she was?”

Hannah wasn’t prepared for his reaction even if, at a subconscious level, she knew she was. An array of emotions flashed through Michael’s eyes and Hannah’s chest tightened even more. His eyes became teary and his voice cracked like he would start sobbing at any moment. “I… I think… I don’t… I don’t know.” But Hannah got the feeling Michael did know. He hung his head, and his shoulders began shaking.

_If I don’t do something now, he’s going to…_

Hannah had never been in the position to comfort someone, but she figured that this was her moment. But what could she give him? Unlike Michael had done for her almost a year ago, there was nothing Hannah could offer him. She couldn’t give him the answers he wanted, and she didn’t know how to do magic tricks to cheer him up, she didn’t even have enough money to buy him chocolate from a vending machine; Hannah had nothing to give but herself. She could only hope that she was enough.

Almost instinctively, Hannah tentatively placed her left hand on Michael’s right shoulder. She felt him become tense for a second; it made Hannah wonder if maybe he wasn’t used to having people touch him. At any other time, she would’ve been compelled to withdraw her hand, but this time, she didn’t. She brought herself closer to him and gently wrapped her arms around him in what she hoped to be a comforting hug. The déjà vu-like feeling from earlier grew louder, bigger, and stronger. Hannah just knew she’d done this countless of times even if, realistically, this was the first time. Hannah knew she could count the number of times she’d hugged someone who wasn’t her father, and even then, she’d never hugged someone out of comfort. She’d hugged so few people in her life that, in a sad way, she didn’t even know how long hugs were supposed to last before they became uncomfortable.

Then why did Hannah feel like she’d hugged Michael before?

_I know I’ve done this before…_

Hannah closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on Michael. He felt small. And warm. And familiar… so very familiar.

Hannah was going to ask him if this was making him feel uncomfortable, when, to her surprise, she felt him lift his arms and so very cautiously return the hug. At first, Hannah could barely feel his arms around her; it was almost as though he was unsure of what was happening, of whether this was real, of whether Hannah would disappear into dust the moment he hugged her tighter. Hannah didn’t care if this wasn’t real or if they turned into dust; all she cared about was what was happening at this moment. She felt Michael place his head against her shoulder and his arms slowly became tighter around her, as though he needed to hold onto Hannah to not breakdown and start crying, as though he never wanted to let go. Hannah waited for his tears to start falling, but none came, and even if they did, she knew she wouldn’t have judged him for it.

Hannah didn’t know for how long they were like that, hugging in silence and being in their own little world, but she didn’t mind; in fact, she relished it. She didn’t care whether anyone saw them; Winden and its judgment meant nothing to her at that moment.

“Hannah,” she heard Michael whisper against her shoulder. His muffled voice was so low and soft that for a moment Hannah wondered if she had imagined it. 

With eyes still closed, Hannah whispered back, “Yes?”

His voice was thick with emotion. “Thank you.”

Thank you…

_Déjà vu…_

Hannah could only nod and tighten her arms around him as a lump formed in her throat.

She never wanted to let go.

* * *

The rest of the walk to the hospital was spent in silence, but Hannah found it to be the comfortable type. There really wasn’t much she could say after the hug, and she supposed Michael thought the same. The comfortable air around them didn’t last long though, because as soon as Nurse Kahnwald spotted Michael, she rushed towards him and gave him a big hug.

“Michael, I was so worry about you,” Nurse Kahnwald sighed in relief. She placed her hands on his cheeks. “What took you so long? Did something happen?”

Michael shook his head.

Nurse Kahnwald placed a hand on her chest. “If you say so. I still have another half hour before we can go back home. Why don’t we go inside for now?” It was only then that Nurse Kahnwald saw Hannah. Eying her from head to toe, Nurse Kahnwald smiled in a way that Hannah knew she’d already forgotten her name; sometimes Hannah liked it better when the woman just ignored her. “Hello, there. Are you looking for your father?”

Hannah pressed her lips together. “No, Nurse Kahnwald.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“She was walking with me,” Michael said before Hannah could.

Nurse Kahnwald furrowed her brows. “Why? You’re not in the same class. Did something happen?”

Getting the feeling that Nurse Kahnwald wouldn’t like what they’d been talking about, Hannah and Michael exchanged looks. What were they supposed to say?

Luckily for them, Hannah saw an elderly man not too far from them. Very smoothly, she lied, “I was telling Michael about everything he missed.” Nurse Kahnwald didn’t look convinced and so Hannah continued, “Like what happened at the power plant and what happened to the Tiedemanns.”

Nurse Kahnwald narrowed her eyes and she kept them on Hannah. “What happened?”

“It was in the newspaper,” Hannah explained, putting her hands in her pockets. “Regina’s mother disappeared without a trace and people think it’s linked to the nuclear power plant. Last week Mr. Doppler, the previous director, and a woman were found murdered.”

“What?” Nurse Kahnwald gasped. “Claudia?”

Michael went pale and mouthed, “Is it true?”

Hannah gave them a grave look and nodded. “It was terrible. No one knows who’s behind it. And that’s not all: Regina’s grandfather, Chief Inspector Egon Tiedemann, was found dead a couple of months ago. No one knows who killed him either, but some think its linked to Regina’s mother’s disappearance and to the other murders. It has to be—it’s the only way things make sense.”

Nurse Kahnwald, deep in thought, clutched her crucifix pendant and frowned.

“Nothing happened to Regina, right?” Michael asked.

Hannah shook her head.

“Who’s taking care of her then? Her father?”

Nurse Kahnwald made a noise and Michael gave her a questioning look.

“Regina doesn’t have a father,” Hannah said. “She hasn’t been showing up to school, so I don’t know for sure.” That was a lie because Hannah knew that Regina was living with Aleksander. Whenever Regina did show up to school, Aleksander was always there waiting for her and scaring anyone who gave Regina a hard time. Hannah would’ve mentioned this to Michael, but she wasn’t liking how Nurse Kahnwald was studying her; it made Hannah feel unwanted.

Ignoring Nurse Kahnwald, Hannah looked at her watch and told Michael, “Well, I have to go. See you around Michael.”

And just as she was about to leave, Michael said, “Hannah, wait.”

Hannah looked over her shoulder. “Yes?”

Michael got closer and whispered, “Thank you for earlier. I mean it.” His ears and cheeks were pink again and he smiled shyly. “I really appreciate it.”

Heat rising to her cheeks, Hannah nodded and walked away.

She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had thanked her and had meant it.


	15. Back to normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A million questions circled around Mikkel’s mind as he headed towards the hospital. Ever since Hannah had pretty much confirmed his suspicion, Mikkel knew that he needed to decide what he would do next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year! :) I hope 2021 is kinder and better to everyone (especially when it comes to health).
> 
> Second, I want to give a huge thank you to everyone. 2020 got better for me because this fandom. I've really enjoyed everyone who put time and effort into sharing fics, headcanons, thoughts, theories, analyses, comments, and videos. Having these in my life made things brighter. I also want to give an enormous thank you to everyone who has read any of my fics. Knowing that there are people who read and enjoy them mean a lot to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ^_^
> 
> Third, just like I mentioned in the last chapter, I have one more chapter before the year is over. This chapter was supposed to cover more but I found that it was getting too long. Next chapter will be a continuation of sorts. I hope to have it up by next week.  
> I want to give credit to sealandreich. While I had considered the possibility of a friendship between 1980s Charlotte and 1980s Katharina, it wouldn't have been solidified without "Almost Everything is Complicated". If anyone wants a fic that centers mostly on Peter as he navigates through Winden as a newcomer, then check out "Almost Everything is Complicated"  
> Also, just in case anyone is wondering, the lyrics translation is from https://lyricstranslate.com/en/irgendwie-irgendwann-irgendwo-anyhow-anywhere-anytime.html Btw, I'm assuming Nino D'Angelo has said "mondo" in at least one song. If he hasn't, then take my interpretation as artistic liberty, lol.  
> Before I let you guys read the chapter, I want to thank rosabell14, justahappylittletree, Tricia_Guima, CaLeTaTa, and GaboBlue1004 for your comments and links :) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the reading and remember to take care :) Happy 2021! See you next year!

_October 2nd 1987_

A million questions circled around Mikkel’s mind as he headed towards the hospital. Ever since Hannah had pretty much confirmed his suspicion, Mikkel knew that he needed to decide what he would do next.

Should he go looking for his mother, or should he wait for her to come back?

Even though Mikkel had no concrete proof that the “crazy” woman who’d come searching for him was his mother, Mikkel wanted to believe that he had enough evidence to logically conclude that someone—most likely his mother—had come to take him back home.

Mikkel’s first piece of evidence had appeared before his eyes the moment he and Ines had arrived to the Kahnwald home. As far as Mikkel was concerned, the garden door’s glass window hadn’t been broken before they’d left for the summer. But what Mikkel had found interesting about it was the way it was broken. It was too conveniently placed near the doorknob for it to have been an accident.

Mikkel’s second piece of evidence had been his room. The moment he’d stepped inside, Mikkel had felt in his gut that someone had come looking for him. Mikkel only had to look at his bed to know that someone had slept on it. And not only had his bed been left unmade, but someone had placed a photo of him and Ines on his bedside table.

Someone had been here, and Mikkel had erroneously concluded that only one of two people could’ve come searching for him during the summer. It had to have been either his father or Jonas. His father had promised that he would come back and take Mikkel home. What if he’d come back and Mikkel had missed his chance again? But if his father had escaped like he had promised he would, wouldn’t Child Protective Services have said something? Wouldn’t he and Ines still be at the cabin? And would it really be possible for his father to have escaped if reason told Mikkel that his father would’ve been under more supervision after what happened back in June?

Then what about Jonas?

Mikkel would be ashamed to admit that Jonas, his wellbeing, and his whereabouts hadn’t really crossed Mikkel’s mind since he became “Michael Kahnwald”. He’d wondered if the news of his “kidnapping” had alerted Jonas of Mikkel’s whereabouts? Had Jonas tried searching for him? Was Jonas still doing that? Or had Jonas forgotten about Mikkel? Should Mikkel feel guilty that he had only thought about himself all these months and had forgotten about Jonas and what could’ve happened to him?

And so Mikkel had spent all the days leading up to his return to school thinking about his father and Jonas. He’d been so consumed with thoughts about them that he hadn’t considered the possibility that other people could’ve time travelled as well. That was why his third piece of evidence had been such a shock.

How had his mother found the tunnel? Had she gone with his father? Had they split not knowing which side of the tunnel to choose? Did Martha and Magnus come with her? And most importantly, where was his mother now? What had happened to her?

The only person Mikkel was sure could answer his questions was his father. But even if Mikkel knew that his father might have answers, there was no way Mikkel could go to the psychiatric ward by himself and ask him. Mikkel would need Ines’s permission and he knew that he had better chances of creating a convoluted plan and risk his neck than ask Ines.

Mikkel sighed.

_Ines…_

Mikkel didn’t get to think about Ines for too long though. Not too far away from him was someone he hadn’t spoken to since the last week of school. And although she no longer wore her glasses and her hair had changed again, Mikkel could tell that the girl sitting by herself on the bus stop was still Regina Tiedemann.

When he had heard about everything that had happened to Regina, Mikkel had momentarily forgotten about his troubles. Besides Hannah, Regina had been the only one to have spoken to him on more than one occasion. Even though he knew next to nothing about her and vice versa, she hadn’t treated him the same way many others had. Regina had been nothing but nice and polite to him, and Mikkel wanted to believe that that hadn’t changed since June.

Not wanting to scare Regina, Mikkel slowed down until he stood closer to her. Regina didn’t seem to have noticed him though. She kept her eyes on what Mikkel assumed to be a poodle resting in her arms. Regina only lifted her gaze when the poodle barked softly at him. Mikkel thought he saw disappointment in Regina’s eyes as she realized that he wasn’t the person she’d probably been expecting. In a sad way, Mikkel understood that feeling too well.

“Hello, Regina,” Mikkel said, half-waving at her.

Regina gave him a small but gentle smile. “Hello, Michael. How are you?”

“I’m good, thank you. How about you? How are you?” Mikkel mentally winced at himself; he knew how annoying it could be to be asked how one was doing when it was more than clear that one was, in fact, not doing well. Unable to meet her eyes, Mikkel shuffled his feet and said, “I really haven’t seen you at school.” He wondered if school had gotten more unbearable for her with everything that had happened.

“I’m good, thank you for asking,” Regina replied as she petted the poodle. “School’s…” Regina sighed and lowered her eyes.

“Are you waiting for Aleksander?” Mikkel asked, looking at the desolate road around them.

Regina brought the poodle closer to her. “No, I… I’m just… I’m waiting for…”

Mikkel nodded solemnly; Regina didn’t need to finish her sentence for Mikkel to know that she was waiting for her mother to come home. In a way, he too was waiting for his mother to show up again. Wringing his hands, Mikkel said, “I heard about… I heard what happened.” Regina stiffened and she drew the poodle even closer to her; half of her face disappeared in the poodle’s fur.

Mikkel wanted to tell Regina that… well, truth be told, Mikkel still didn’t know what the right thing was to say to someone who was grieving. What he did know was that he wanted to tell her that, to a certain degree, he understood what she was going through. He imagined Regina must be feeling as lonely as Mikkel did. And even though Mikkel knew that words could sometimes feel empty, he also knew that they had the power to give people hope and a sense of safety.

In a tentative but sincere voice, Mikkel said, “I know it’s not much and that you’ve probably heard it from others, but I’m sorry that this happened to you. I know we barely know each other, and I know our situations aren’t the same, but I know what it feels like to wonder what happened to your loved ones and why you were the one left behind. I don’t know if that’s true, but Ines once told me that God has a plan for everyone and that everything will be okay. I think it would be nice if everything did turn out to be okay at the end.”

Regina’s eyes became glossy and her voice wavered. “Thank you, Michael.” She then wiped off some tears and gave Mikkel a soft smile. “Do you want to sit down? I promise Gretchen doesn’t bite.” Gretchen rubbed her snout against Regina’s arms and snuggled closer to her.

The corners of Mikkel’s eyes crinkled but he shook his head. “I have to go to the hospital.”

Regina furrowed her brows. “Are you hurt?”

Mikkel deflated a little. “No, it’s just that… I guess Ines still feels a little nervous…” Ines’s original plan had been to have Mikkel go to the hospital the first day back to school, just to make sure he was doing okay. But after hearing about what had happened in Winden during their absence, Ines had become a little nervous again. Mikkel could only hope that she would eventually go back to normal and that he would be able to just walk back to the Kahnwald home by himself. Even though he appreciated Ines’s good intentions, Mikkel wasn’t a baby anymore. He wanted Ines to know that he could take care of himself just fine. “I’m sure she’ll calm down again though.”

“Katharina’s right, I always play the victim,” Regina murmured as she berated herself. She bit her lip and looked at Mikkel with sad green eyes. “I’m really sorry about what happened to you, Michael. Are you really doing okay? Has anyone bullied you because of what happened?”

“It’s okay, Regina. I know it’s been tough for you,” Mikkel reassured her, slipping off his backpack, and hesitantly sitting next to her. He hoped she didn’t feel like he was intruding or anything. “School hasn’t been bad… It’s been normal.” Sadly, that normal was being ignored by his classmates. Even if Mikkel told himself that he didn’t mind, it still stung.

“I know what you mean,” Regina said quietly. Regina’s serious expression turned into an amused one once Gretchen, who was staring at Mikkel with her cute beady eyes, began wagging her tail. Regina chuckled lightly. “I think Gretchen likes you.”

“Hello, Gretchen,” Mikkel said with a small smile. “May I pet her?” Regina nodded and Mikkel placed his hand on Gretchen’s soft fur. Giving Regina a side glance, Mikkel asked, “How’s Aleksander?” Although Mikkel didn’t know much about Aleksander—or Regina for that matter—, he did know that Aleksander was special to Regina.

“He’s fine. Why?”

“I heard what happened at the power plant not that long ago,” Mikkel explained as he finished petting Gretchen. “Things must be chaotic in there.”

Regina sighed dejectedly. “I want him to find work somewhere else, but he says he’s needed. I don’t know if it’s selfish, but I don’t want to lose him too. He’s all I have left.” Gretchen barked and Regina apologized to her. “You too, Gretchen. You and Aleksander are my family.”

“Does he know you’re here?” The moment the words left his mouth, Mikkel wanted to slap himself. There was no way for Aleksander to know Regina was here. Cellphones in the 1980s weren’t anything like the ones in his time. They were closer to weapons than they were to actual means of communication.

Regina nodded slightly. “He knows I come here sometimes. It worries him because he thinks something might happen to me. I can’t help but come here in case Mama…” Her eyes watered again.

“If you want, after I get to the hospital, I can ask Ines to give you a ride home. I’m sure she won’t have a problem.”

Regina’s expression softened. “It’s fine, Michael. I can walk home but thank you. It means a lot to me.”

Mikkel stood up. “Well, see you at school, Regina. I know it’s not much but if you want, you can talk to me.” He grabbed his backpack and adjusted his jacket. “Bye, Gretchen.”

Mikkel barely walked three steps when he heard Regina say, “Michael, please wait.” Regina stood up and joined him. “I’ll walk with you.”

* * *

It’d been a while since either one had said a word. Mikkel would’ve stayed silent if it hadn’t been for how visibly tense Regina was. Mikkel couldn’t determine whether Regina kept looking around because she was waiting for the power plant murderer to appear, for her mother to show up, or for Ulrich and Katharina to magically come out of nowhere and bother her. Trying to lighten the mood, Mikkel said, “We’ll be fine, Regina. I don’t think anyone will attack us with Gretchen around. Right, Gretchen?”

Regina laughed nervously. “It’s not about… it’s just that…” She pressed her lips together as she studied Mikkel’s face. “I guess that in a way you remind me of him.”

Mikkel frowned; he hoped she hadn’t noticed the similarities between him and Ulrich. “Who?”

Regina took a shaky breath in and her eyes were faraway. “Mads; Mads Nielsen. It’s been almost a year since he... I just don’t want what happened to him to happen to you too.”

Mikkel had completely forgotten about his uncle Mads. If he was still in the same timeline and world, then Mikkel didn’t have the heart to tell Regina that his uncle would never be heard of again. Even after thirty-three years, his uncle’s disappearance still affected his grandparents.

“You know,” Regina began, interrupting Mikkel’s thoughts, “when I read what happened to you on the newspaper, I wondered if the same happened to Mads.” Her lips twisted with resentment and she muttered bitterly, “If it hadn’t been for those two, I’m sure Mads would still be around.”

“Which two?” Mikkel asked despite having an idea who Regina was referring to.

“Ulrich and Katharina,” Regina answered in a tight voice. Her eyes became moist again. “I’m sure that if Mads were still around, you two could’ve been good friends. He was so kind; he never said or did anything to harm anyone. For a long time, Mads was my only friend.”

“What about Charlotte? I thought you were friends.”

“Charlotte’s nice and we are friends. We’re just not close though.” Looking slightly uncomfortable, Regina said, “She’s kind of friends with Ulrich and Katharina. I don’t think they’ve ever bothered her like they’ve bothered us, but it’s still weird. It makes me wonder if maybe Charlotte is secretly scared of them or something.”

Just as he’d wanted to tell Hannah, Mikkel felt tempted to convince Regina that Ulrich and Katharina would one day change for the better. He wanted to explain to her that they were good people who would never harm anyone, but Mikkel knew better than to reveal how he knew that.

“What about you, Michael?” Regina asked with genuine interest. “Do you have any friends?”

Mikkel stared at his feet. He really didn’t know how to answer that question. Should he mention Hannah? Were they friends? People only hugged people they considered family or friends, right? But hadn’t Ines hugged him back at the hospital when they barely knew each other? Then what about Regina? Did she consider Mikkel a friend?

Regina patiently waited for his answer, but just as Mikkel opened his mouth, he realized that they had reached the hospital. He looked at his watch. “Ines should be here soon. I’ll ask her if she can drive you home.”

“It’s okay, Michael,” Regina insisted, already getting ready to walk away. “I appreciate it, but I can walk home.”

Just then, Ines appeared. She first smiled at Mikkel and then at Regina. Her smile faltered though once her eyes landed on Gretchen. Confused, Ines shook her head. She directed her attention back to Mikkel and Regina. “Hello, Michael. Is this your friend?”

“This is Regina,” Mikkel replied. “Regina, this is Ines.”

“Regina Tiedemann, nice to meet you, Nurse Kahnwald,” Regina said, balancing Gretchen and extending a hand.

Ines’s eyes went wide with recognition. “Claudia’s daughter, of course.” Ines shook Regina’s hand and then glanced at Gretchen. “This one here looks like Gretchen. Or at least, how I remember her. How curious.”

“Her name is Gretchen,” Regina confirmed with a thin smile. “It was nice to meet you, Nurse Kahnwald. I better go now.”

Hoping Ines would agree with him, Mikkel said, “Regina walked me here because she was worried about me being alone. Can we please give her a ride home?”

Ines smiled gently. “Regina, please wait. I’ll be more than glad to drive you home. I want to thank you for walking with Michael and making sure he was safe.”

“I don’t wish to impose, Nurse Kahnwald,” Regina insisted, eyes shifting from Ines to Mikkel. “I can walk home; it’s fine, really.”

Ines waved her hand. “Nonsense. We’re taking you home.”

* * *

Regina got out of the car and gently closed the door. Through the window, she said, “Thank you, Nurse Kahnwald. I really appreciate you taking the time to drop me off.”

Ines chuckled. “It’s no problem, Regina. You’re Michael’s friend and Claudia’s daughter. I wasn’t going to let you walk home alone. I don’t know if Michael ever told you, but Claudia and I were close friends when we were about your age. Our fathers worked together as policemen and they were friends as well. Maybe it’s in God’s plan that Kahnwalds and Tiedemanns become friends.” Ines’s forehead creased and she touched her crucifix pendant. “I’m really sorry for what happened to Claudia and Egon. I know it may not be much, but if there’s anything you need, we’d be more than happy to help.”

“Thank you, Nurse Kahnwald.” Regina looked at Mikkel. “Bye, Michael. See you at school.”

Mikkel waved. “See you, Regina. Bye, Gretchen.”

After making sure that Regina had gotten inside, Ines and Mikkel drove back to the Kahnwald home.

* * *

_November 4th 1987_

_‘We fall through the time stream_

_Then awaken from a dream_

_But a brief blink of an eye_

_And then returns the night’_

Mikkel didn’t need to open his eyes to know today was the one-year anniversary of the event that had drastically changed his life forever. It was crazy to think that even though just a year had passed since Mikkel had last shared breakfast with his family, for him it felt even longer than that.

Sighing, Mikkel turned off the alarm clock and walked towards his window. Even though the caves couldn’t be seen from where he was standing, Mikkel knew they were there, waiting for him to return to them and find the way back home. He still didn’t know how he was going to navigate them, but even if he was just as clueless as he was a year ago, he had to give it a try. He had to try for his father, his mother, and for himself.

Tearing himself away from the window, Mikkel changed his clothes. As he put his socks on, he stared at the scar on his right leg. Although the scar was barely noticeable, Mikkel knew it would always remind him of how close he’d been of getting lost in the caves forever. He lightly ran his fingers on the scar and frowned; would there be a sign of time travel today just as it had a year ago? What _should_ he do if there was a sign? Should he be prepared for the possibility? Should he go to the caves?

_Even if the lights flicker and things feel different, I can’t go to the caves without Papa or Mama. I can’t leave them behind just as they wouldn’t leave me behind… or would they?_

Although it hurt to consider that possibility, Mikkel still hoped that that wasn’t the case. Ever since September, the small flicker of hope he thought had been extinguished that hazy June day was back stronger than ever. His hope was so strong, that Mikkel had even come up with a small plan. If he got no time travel signs today, then he would begin his plan tomorrow.

* * *

_November 5th 1987_

The first thing Mikkel saw as he descended the stairs was the birthday balloons hovering over his chair. The second thing he saw was how Ines had gone all out and prepared him a breakfast grander than she had ever before. The third thing he saw was Ines grinning as she headed towards him.

“Happy birthday, Michael!” Ines said, enveloping him in a warm hug. She pulled away to examine his face, her eyes searching his. Mikkel had never seen her brown eyes looking as warm as they did today. “I’m so happy you entered my life.”

Mikkel knew that the smile he gave her wasn’t even a quarter of sincere as hers. Pushing away the pang of guilt that was starting to consume him, Mikkel sat down and said, “Thank you, Ines. You really didn’t have to. You already do so much for me.”

“That I didn’t have to? Of course I had to!” Ines exclaimed with a fake gasp before laughing. She sat down to join him and placed her hand on his. “Michael, I wanted to do this for you. Your birthday only comes once a year.”

 _Or twice, if you’re me_ , Mikkel thought, staring at the balloons.

“Exactly a year ago, you came into my life. I wanted to thank you for being such an amazing kid.” Ines cleared her throat and smiled gently. “I didn’t know what to make you for breakfast, but I hope that this is to your liking.” Then, in an exaggerated manner, Ines slouched her shoulders and curled her lips downwards. “I would love for you to have cake right now, but sadly, having cake for breakfast isn’t socially accepted. There should be an exception for birthdays, no?”

Holding back a smile, Mikkel joked, “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” He zipped his lips.

Ines laughed. “I wish I could, but then what would we have for dinner?”

“More cake, of course.”

* * *

“I want you to open two of your gifts before you go to school,” Ines told Mikkel while he put on his backpack. “When I come back from work, we’ll have cake, and you’ll open your other gifts.”

Puzzled, Mikkel eyed Ines suspiciously. Other gifts? He’d only asked for one thing.

“Hold on to my hand and close your eyes,” Ines said, extending her hand towards him. “I want you to be surprised.”

Because Ines seemed so excited, Mikkel did as he was told.

“Open your eyes,” Ines exclaimed, letting go of his hand. “Surprise!”

Standing not too far away from him was the only thing Mikkel had asked for his “birthday”.

A bicycle.

“Thank you,” Mikkel said softly, as he got closer to the bicycle and examined it. “I really appreciate it, Ines. I like it.”

Beaming, Ines confessed, “I originally thought of getting you a yellow bicycle.” Mikkel had to stop himself from wincing and he hoped Ines didn’t notice. Ines continued talking, “But something told me a red one would be better received.”

Ready to go to school, Mikkel hopped on his bicycle. He smiled at Ines. “Thank you again.”

“Michael, please wait,” Ines said as she went back into the house. Seconds later, Ines reappeared with another gift. She handed it to him. “I know you have to go to school and that you’re excited to try out your bicycle, but this gift goes with it.”

With cautious fingers, Mikkel tore off the wrapping paper. The gift almost slipped from his hands once he caught sight of it. 

It was a yellow raincoat…

“If you’re going to ride your bicycle from home to school and back, there might be days when it rains,” Ines explained, giving him a small smile. “You can’t carry an umbrella, but a raincoat should work just fine.”

A yellow raincoat, eerily similar to the one Jonas owned.

Ines continued talking, “I heard on the radio that there was a high chance of rain today. Since we all know it always rains in Winden, I thought it would be good to give it to you now just in case.” She frowned. She gently placed her hands on his shoulders and then bent a little until their eyes were at the same level. “Michael, what’s wrong? You look pale.”

A yellow raincoat!

Thinking fast, Mikkel stammered, “I’m fine. I just had a déjà vu.” He eyed the raincoat. “It’s just… it’s _so_ yellow.”

Ines bit her lip. “There were other colors available, but I thought they were too dull. I thought a yellow raincoat would be better because it stands out. I’d feel better knowing that others could see you in the rain and that you would be less likely to get hurt. But if you don’t like it, I can return it.”

“No!” Mikkel reassured her quickly, startling Ines a little. Knowing fully well that he was lying through his teeth, he said, “I like it. You really didn’t need to get it, but thank you. I’ll make sure to wear it.” He looked at the time on his watch. “I have to leave, or I’ll be late.”

As Mikkel rode away, he heard Ines shout, “Happy birthday, Michael! Have fun at school!”

* * *

Never in his life had Mikkel realized just how liberating a bike ride could be until today. There was something so freeing about knowing that he could go anywhere he wanted without anyone to stop him. He just had to think of a place, and he could pedal there until he got tired. If it weren’t for the fact that Mikkel had to go to school, he would’ve spent the whole day bike riding and relishing his newfound independence. He would’ve enjoyed the way the November breeze felt against his face, the way it numbed his ears and cheeks, the way it messed with his hair, and the way it burned his nose and lungs every time he took a breath in. It just made him feel so alive. It was the complete opposite of how he’d felt all throughout this past summer. Mikkel had never felt so numb, so empty, and so disconnected from himself, and he never wanted to feel like that again.

From the moment he’d let his father be taken away by the police, Mikkel just knew that all the hope he had in him had disappeared. What was the point of looking forward to the future, to going back home, to being with his family, if Mikkel had betrayed them? If he didn’t deserve them? If he knew that he would never forgive himself?

That was why Mikkel hadn’t objected to Ines’s decision to go away for the summer. Even if he’d wanted to, not only had all the fight in Mikkel vanished, but seeing how much Ines was willing to do to protect and care for him, it would’ve been unfair and outright disrespectful to her if Mikkel had given her an even harder time.

At first, Mikkel didn’t have any problem with the cabin or Ines’s decision to hide from the rest of the world. The cabin was so far removed from everything and everyone that Mikkel was sure that, should the world had come to an end, he and Ines wouldn’t have noticed. It’d seemed as though their isolation hadn’t bothered Ines at all, and while Mikkel had thought it wouldn’t have bothered him, through the course of several weeks, he’d gradually begun to feel suffocated. It was as though the bubble they’d built around them as protection from the outside world had begun to smother Mikkel until he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t know if it’d been the silence, the loneliness, the monotony of every day, Ines’s need to check on him every few minutes, the guilt, his own numbness, or what, but then one day, he’d just needed to be as far away from Ines as possible.

Mikkel knew Ines meant well—he really did. He truly appreciated everything she did for him. He knew that he would never have enough words to thank her; the most Mikkel could do was to be as good to her as she’d been to him by making her life easier. But Mikkel also knew that he would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he had blamed Ines for most of his problems in those few hours he’d spent locked up in the bathroom. But as much as a part of Mikkel had wanted to blame Ines for everything that had happened, at the end of the day, he’d known that there was no one to blame but himself. He’d only needed to look at his reflection in the bathroom mirror to realize that he could no longer recognized himself. And in a way, Mikkel supposed that had been his true problem.

But that would change after today. It was all part of his plan.

* * *

Ines’s other gifts to Mikkel were a sketchbook, a set of drawing pencils, colored pencils, acrylic paint, and painting brushes.

After taking pictures, Ines brought the cake and lighted the birthday candles. While she sang “Happy Birthday”, Mikkel went over his plan. It was a simple plan with three parts to it.

1\. Mikkel would get back his independence, his self-confidence, and his ability to effortlessly talk to people. All of these were things that he’d lost once he became “Michael Kahnwald”. Mikkel just wanted to feel like himself again, to be more like “Mikkel Nielsen” and less like “Michael Kahnwald”. He figured that once he went back to normal, not only would he feel better about himself, but he would also be ready to see his parents again.

2\. Once he was back to normal, Mikkel would find his parents. He still didn’t know how he was going to do that, but he reasoned that he would be able to think of something. The only thing he knew was that as soon as he found a way to communicate with them, he would ask them to forgive him. If they forgave him, then he would set in motion the next part of his plan.

3\. Mikkel and his parents would finally go back to the caves and travel back to their time.

“Michael, make a wish!”

Mikkel stared at the candles. He didn’t know if birthday wishes worked on “fake” birthdays, but it was worth the try. With his wish in mind, he took a deep breath in and blew out the candles.

_I wish for my plan to work._

* * *

_January 11th 1988_

After Mikkel had made his wish back on his “birthday”, he’d been gradually returning to the person he used to be. Not only had he become a little more independent thanks to the freedom his bicycle provided, but he’d also begun to actively and willingly participate in class. The first time he’d raised his hand to participate, his heart had been racing so fast he thought he was going to die. And even though he’d nervously answered the question, he had felt a spark. It’d been such a baby step, but he’d felt so proud of himself that day. It’d only been once he’d gone back home that he had remembered to examine himself. He’d searched for any visible changes that confirmed that he had messed up the timeline, the world, or his existence. To his surprise and relief, nothing had happened. That alone had left him in a good mood for the rest of the week.

It wasn’t to say that he now loved going to school, but after that day, Mikkel had begun to look forward to participating in class, especially when it came to science. Not only had his teachers noticed the small change in Mikkel, but even Ines had commented on it once or twice. Needless to say, Mikkel’s confidence levels went up just enough that he now had no problem keeping his eyes off the ground. What Mikkel did have problems with was talking to people.

Even though he often spoke with Hannah and Regina, Mikkel still couldn’t bring himself to talk to others; he’d get too nervous and he’d chicken out before he could open his mouth. To participate in class was one thing, but to talk to people without having to wonder who they were in the future was something else. That didn’t stop Mikkel from talking to Hannah and Regina though. Although he had the feeling that Regina was Bartosz’s mother, he still had no idea who Hannah was supposed to be in the future. He just knew she felt familiar and that he looked forward to talking to her. Sadly, that was the complete opposite when it came to his classmates.

That’s why today, when it was time for science, Mikkel felt a wave of nausea when Mrs. Müller—the teacher—announced that they would be doing group projects. There was no way Mikkel could talk to his classmates without panicking and becoming self-conscious. Did they still think of him as a weirdo, or did they now see him as a showoff? Maybe in his old life, Mikkel wouldn’t have minded what his classmates thought of him, but in the here and now, it did. Mikkel didn’t know how much of his newfound confidence would deteriorate if he had to go around the classroom and ask anyone if he could be in their group. The only thing that would be worse than being rejected by everyone was if Mrs. Müller had to intervene and convince a group to let him in. Mikkel didn’t know if he could lie to himself into thinking his classmates were fine with having him in their group.

Luckily for Mikkel, he was saved from facing rejection when Mrs. Müller stated that the groups would be formed randomly. Students would have to draw out a crumbled piece of paper from a bag. The numbers would range from one through six and there would be exactly three members per group. Once everyone got into their groups, the rest of the class period would be used to decide on a topic from the list Mrs. Müller had provided.

After getting a number, Mikkel looked around to see who else was part of group number three. His eyes landed on the only group with two people in it. He felt a wave of nausea wash over him as he saw his group members—a guy with dark hair and a girl with auburn hair—talking to Mrs. Müller. The girl looked near tears as her eyes shifted from Mikkel to the guy next to her. Mikkel’s ears felt warm and he kept his eyes downcast. Was he really that weird to be around?

Mikkel was already thinking of asking Mrs. Müller if it was possible for him to do the project on his own when Mrs. Müller went to another group and spoke to a girl. The girl didn’t look too pleased, but she nodded along anyway. She harshly grabbed her things and walked towards Mikkel.

“I can’t believe I’m stuck with him,” the girl muttered under her breath as she plopped down unto her chair. Mikkel shrunk into himself and avoided her eyes. He felt her lean across the table toward him just as he heard some footsteps coming their way. “Hey Michael, how about we kick Freddy Krueger from the group and do the project ourselves?”

Mikkel shot his head up. “Huh?”

The boy—Freddy Krueger—said, “It’s either Friedrich, Fritz, or Fred, Mia.” He scrunched his face in disapproval. “Just because my brother calls me like that doesn’t mean you can too.”

Mia rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I just don’t see why I had to change groups with Anja because of you. Why didn’t you ask Michael what he thought, hmm?” Determined to ignore Friedrich, Mia directed her attention to Mikkel. “Which topic do you want to do, Michael?”

The question threw him off guard. What was he supposed to say?

“Um,” Mikkel began, gaze shifting from Mia to Friedrich. “I’m cool with whatever you two decide.”

And so Mia and Friedrich spent the rest of the class arguing over everything and nothing. At one point, Mikkel got so fed up with their bickering that he simply grabbed the paper and wrote down a topic for the project.

The moment the bell rang and everyone got ready to leave, Mikkel almost thanked God—who he still didn’t believe in—and the universe that he didn’t have to hear Mia and Friedrich until tomorrow. He didn’t know how he was going to put up with them, and that was saying a lot considering he had experience putting up with Magnus and Martha.

“See you tomorrow, Michael,” Mia said, picking up her things and leaving to join her friends.

Despite everything that had happened, Mikkel smiled shyly and waved goodbye. He couldn’t remember the last time a classmate had said that to him.

“Sorry about that,” Friedrich said, standing next to Mikkel. “Don’t mind Mia. She’s just upset she didn’t get to be with her friends.” And then, as an afterthought, he said, “She might also be upset that she’s stuck with me for this project.”

“Why?” Mikkel found himself asking.

Friedrich sighed. “It’s my brother’s fault. She had a crush on him not that long ago. She told him she thought he was cool, and he told her to get lost.” He frowned and shook his head. “She thinks it’s my fault he said that. Honestly, my brother will be the end of me.”

Mikkel gave him a sympathetic look. “Maybe she’ll get over it.” Out of the corner of his eye, Mikkel saw Anja stare at them before quickly walking away. Mikkel joked, “Is that why Anja wanted to change groups too? Because your brother broke her heart?”

“No, it’s a little more complicated than that,” Friedrich admitted, pinching his lips together and becoming slightly tense. Mikkel would’ve apologized for overstepping when Friedrich eyed Mikkel curiously. “I’m surprised you didn’t ask the teacher to change groups with all the arguing. I wouldn’t have blamed you.”

Mikkel surprised himself by chuckling. “I thought you two were trying to change groups because of me, Friedrich.”

Friedrich extended a hand and smiled. “Please, call me Fred. Friedrich is my grandfather’s name.” He raised an eyebrow. “Why would you think we wanted you out of the group?”

A little self-conscious, Mikkel shrugged. “I don’t know, because I’m weird?”

“Nah, you’re not weird,” Fred said with a tone that sounded sincere. “Trust me, I know weird. You’re just quiet, that’s all. And you seem smart. You were one of the few who got a passing grade on that test last month. And your paper on Houdini was good.”

Mikkel eyed Fred suspiciously. “How do you know my essay was on Houdini?”

Fred looked confused. “I was the one who peer reviewed your paper. I even told you it was good. I had never heard of the guy before.”

Mikkel vaguely recalled someone giving him a compliment on his essay. “Ah,” Mikkel said, knowing he looked and sounded stupid. “I forgot, sorry. Thank you though.” He wondered if he’d peer reviewed Fred’s paper without knowing it.

Fred stood by the school’s entrance doors. “Do you have to go home Michael? Or do you have time to go over the project?”

“Well… I’ll tell you right now,” Mikkel said slowly. Mikkel saw Hannah standing in a circle with her friends. Feeling his eyes on her, Hannah caught Mikkel’s gaze from across the hallway. He gave her a discreet hand signal and Hannah replied with another one. Since Hannah insisted that her friends could not know she spoke to him, they’d come up with creative ways to let each other know where to meet up after school. It was a hit or miss kind of thing, but for the most part it worked. Mikkel zipped his jacket and asked, “Where are we going?”

“I have to go to the hospital,” Fred told him, putting on his gloves. “I’m walking though. My mother’s there.”

“Is your mother a nurse?” Had Mikkel seen Fred in the hospital grounds without even knowing it?

Fred shook his head. “She works at the power plant.”

“I’ll go with you,” Mikkel said, taking one last glance at where Hannah had been standing only to find that she was gone. “Let’s go.”

* * *

Once they were inside the hospital, Fred said, “See you at school, Michael.”

Mikkel would’ve left to go home but something caught his attention. It was the same thing that he always found himself staring at every time he visited the hospital.

The picture with the caves’ door symbol on it.

Even though more than a year had passed since he had been inside the caves, Mikkel still wondered what the symbol and words meant, and why the hospital would have a picture of it. Did anyone besides Mikkel know its link to the caves and time travel? And what had come first: the caves’ door and tunnel, or the symbol?

Mikkel kept staring at the picture until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He knew that tap—it had to be Hannah. And just as he’d guessed, it was her. How did she know he was at the hospital though? He hadn’t gotten to tell her that through the hand signals.

“How come you’re always staring at this?” Hannah asked, standing next to him and proceeding to study the picture.

“It just seems interesting,” Mikkel replied, not entirely lying.

Hannah pointed at the text on the picture. “Do you know what it means?”

“I don’t know Latin.” He frowned slightly and then scratched his cheek and chin. “It’s in Latin, right?”

Hannah raised an eyebrow. “You spend so much time staring at it and you haven’t figured it out? And I thought you were smart.”

Mikkel rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “What about you? If you’re so smart why don’t you tell me what it says?”

Looking rather pleased with herself, Hannah smirked. She cleared her throat and pointed at a particular line in the picture. “I know that ‘mondo’ is ‘world’ in Italian. It’s not that crazy to think that ‘mundus’ might mean ‘world’.” Once she realized that Mikkel was staring at her in awe, Hannah’s cheeks turned slightly pink. Flustered, she quickly said, “Don’t ask how I know.”

Unsure why, a small smile tugged Mikkel’s lips. “You know Italian? That’s cool.”

Arms akimbo, Hannah grumbled, “I just said not to ask.” Mikkel raised his hands to apologize but Hannah sighed and became flustered again. “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me you won’t mock me for it.”

“I promise.”

Hannah narrowed her eyes. “You better.” She took a deep breath in and confessed, “I don’t know Italian. I just happen to like Nino D’Angelo.”

Mikkel blinked. “Who?”

Hannah’s hazel eyes were so wide they looked like they would pop out of their sockets. “You don’t know who Nino D’Angelo is? How can you not know who he is? He’s amazing.”

“Should I?” Mikkel countered, confused as to why he was slightly bothered that Hannah was so impressed with whoever this Nino D’Angelo was. “If he’s that amazing, how come I’ve never heard of him?”

“I don’t know, you tell me,” Hannah replied, clearly miffed. She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. “Don’t tell me you’re a Falco fan.”

“Falco?” A wave of sadness washed over him as Mikkel remembered his mother. He remembered how she really liked Falco and how his father, who wasn’t a Falco fan, would humor her by imitating Falco whenever a song of his played at the Nielsen home. Mikkel’s lips formed a thin line and he stayed silent.

Hannah’s voice took a gentler tone. “You do know who Falco is, right?”

Avoiding her eyes, Mikkel leaned against the wall. “Of course I know who he is.”

“Do you like his music?”

Mikkel shook his head, not because he didn’t but because he’d never really paid attention much to Falco’s music. “I take it that you don’t.” He furrowed his brows as he connected the dots. “Wait a minute. Nino D’Angelo’s a singer?”

There was a spark in her eyes as Hannah nodded enthusiastically. “I like him way better than Falco, even if it makes me ‘as square as they come’.” At the last part, Hannah scoffed and pursed her lips. The spark in her eyes was gone.

“Why would liking his music make you ‘square’?” Hoping Hannah wouldn’t take it as an insult, Mikkel gave her a small smile as he continued, “If you like his music, you like it. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Hannah’s lips were agape; she seemed to want to say something but failed to do so. She fixed her gaze on him in a way that made Mikkel feel shy. Mikkel ran a hand on the back of his neck. “So, what else can you decipher from the picture?”

Rather than answer Mikkel’s question, Hannah placed a hand of her cheek and asked, “Do you know what ‘sic’ means?”

Mikkel followed her eyes and tried to find the word. To help him, Hannah placed her index finger on the line. Frowning, Hannah mumbled to herself, “If it’s ‘Sic Mundus Creatus Est’, then why is it incomplete?”

He glanced her way. “What’s incomplete?”

She pretended not to hear him. “Why are you interested in this anyway? I mean, what’s the _real_ reason?”

“What’s yours?” he challenged, raising an eyebrow. Could Hannah know something about the caves?

“I asked first, genius.”

“I don’t know…” Mikkel paused, staring at his feet. “It just seems… familiar… What about you?”

Hannah considered his answer. “I have my reasons,” she said without elaborating. Smirking, she put her hands in her pockets. “Maybe I’ll tell you one day. Or maybe not.” She turned around and peeked at him over her shoulder. “Riddle me this: if you’ve begun drawing and you spend so much time staring at this picture, why don’t you just draw one yourself?” With that, Hannah walked away just as the hospital hallway lights flickered for a split second. Tensing, Mikkel’s breath got caught in his throat and his eyes shifted from Hannah to the picture.

Mikkel’s eyes widened with realization.

Why didn’t he just draw a map of the caves?


	16. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How should he feel now that he was officially a teen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life happened and now I'm back :)
> 
> Anyway, here I present the first chapter of the new year (Happy 2021 ^_^).  
> Like I said before, this chapter is the continuation of sorts of the previous chapter. They were meant to be one chapter but I decided to split it into two. My initial plan was to have it up earlier in the month but things happened and my time machine wasn't working. I'm hoping that I'll be able to update again next week but no promises. *fingers crossed* 
> 
> Enough rambling - I want to thank everyone who reads this fic. I also want to thank The Terror of My Ways (sealandreich), rosabell14, justahappylittletree, GaboBlue1004, ultima88, Tricia_Guima, and CaLeTaTa for commenting ^_^ 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the reading :) take care :)

_March 3rd 1988_

It’d been three hours since Mikkel had woken up and he still couldn’t bring himself to leave the comfort of his bed. Three hours had passed since he had woken up on his volition and not because his alarm clock had disrupted his sleep. No, it’d been something far simpler than that. He’d woken up three hours ago because of the dream he’d had. It hadn’t even been a nightmare—in fact, it’d been the opposite. For the life of him, Mikkel couldn’t remember the last time a dream had left him feeling so happy and peaceful.

Even though Mikkel couldn’t recall the details, he knew that in the dream he’d been with his family. That alone had been cause for joy. But like always, Mikkel waited for the dream to turn into a nightmare. Much to his surprise, it never did. Instead, towards the end of the dream, just right before he woke up, he could’ve sworn he and his family had started to glow just like fireflies. He knew it should’ve scared him, but all Mikkel had felt at that moment had been peace.

But like all good dreams, that too had ended. The moment Mikkel had woken up he’d made sure to keep his eyes closed in hopes of falling asleep and reliving the dream. He’d even decided he would only wake up once his alarm clock sounded.

Sadly, it was sounding now.

Sighing in defeat, Mikkel finally opened his eyes and turned the alarm off.

Just as he’d done exactly a year ago, Mikkel brought his hands to his line of sight. Taking his time, he examined his fingers, his palms, and the back of his hands, but just like before, he couldn’t notice any differences in them. To him, they looked about the same as always, even if he knew that they must have changed just like he knew he was changing.

Taking a deep breath in, he eyed the bedroom mirror from across the room. With his heart pounding loudly against his chest, Mikkel walked towards it and studied his own reflection.

How should he feel now that he was officially a teen? Was he supposed to feel any different from the day before? Was he supposed to act like Magnus and Martha? Was he supposed to be as annoying as they’d been now that he was officially no longer a kid? Heck, did he even look like a teenager? What did a teenager even look like? How was he supposed to know if he’d never been one before?

Bringing his face closer to the mirror, Mikkel couldn’t help but scrutinize himself. While he knew that movies and shows tended to unrealistically depict teenagers experiencing overnight changes, Mikkel wondered if perhaps there was some truth to such portrayal.

If he said so himself, Mikkel couldn’t see many changes on his face. Truth be told, Mikkel thought the changes were so subtle that if it weren’t for how worried he was about changing too much that his parents wouldn’t recognize him, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed.

The first change Mikkel had noticed was his eyes. While they weren’t as empty looking as they’d been the previous year, he knew for a fact that they were different. Whether this change was the result of him growing a year older and experiencing everything that that entailed, he didn’t know. Mikkel just knew that his eyes now told a different story than they did before. He hoped that wouldn’t be the case forever though.

The second change that Mikkel noticed was his face, or rather, his cheeks. Not that long ago, Ines had pointed out that his cheeks were less full than before. She’d been worried that he wasn’t eating as much as she thought a boy his age should eat. To ease her worries, Mikkel had quoted his mother and had told Ines that he still ate like an ogre.

Mikkel pulled himself away from the mirror and stared at his reflection from head to toe.

The third change had to be his height. While he was by no means a giant like Magnus—Mikkel figured he still had ways to go before he was what he remembered his brother’s height to be—, he was growing taller. This change had to be the most subtle one of them all because if it hadn’t been for how he’d noticed that Ines no longer crouched as much to talk to him, and that his clothes were a little smaller on him, he probably wouldn’t have noticed it.

Feeling his ears grow warm, Mikkel shook his head as he remembered how just earlier in the week he’d spent an entire day at school worried that his pants would rip at any moment. The mere thought of having potential social embarrassment had kept Mikkel’s mind busy that whole day. It’d been a welcomed distraction though—he hadn’t realized how freeing it felt to worry about something else that wasn’t the ever-present thoughts about time and his future until he had finally reached the safety of his room. In a funny but sad way, spending an entire day wondering if his pants would rip made him feel a little bit more normal, a little more like his peers, and a little less like the boy from the future. He knew that he should’ve felt guilty, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty over something as mundane as that, even if some part of him felt like he needed to be.

 _There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel normal_ , he thought as he pushed his hair away from his forehead. _No one would judge me for it…_

Ever since January and the exhausting science group project, Mikkel had become acquainted with a few of his classmates. He’d even begun to greet people in the morning—a simple “good morning” or a “hello” was enough to get them to greet him back. It had felt scary at first, but after a while, it’d begun to feel good, normal even. Truth be told, he still didn’t bother learning their last names, but he was getting better at connecting first names with faces. He’d even helped out a few classmates with a class assignment after they’d asked him to. It wasn’t to say that Mikkel was a social butterfly by any means, —granted, Mikkel still didn’t talk much, if at all—but he was becoming more aware of his surroundings. He’d even surprised himself by chuckling once or twice at a funny joke or comment from across the room—like last week, for example.

Just last week, Mikkel had been talking to Fred when a classmate—David, maybe? —had demanded everyone’s attention. Apparently, said classmate had thought everyone needed to know that he now had chest hair. There had been mixed reactions, and like many, Mikkel had been skeptical. As far as he could remember, Magnus, Jonas, nor Bartosz had had any chest hair any of the times they’d gone to the lake, and they were older than Mikkel and his classmates currently were. Mikkel had reasoned that there was no way his classmate had been telling the truth. But now that he stood in front of the mirror and was trying to find any changes in him, Mikkel couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps his classmate hadn’t lied.

Shaking his head, Mikkel directed his gaze to his chest. Did that mean that Mikkel could start growing chest hair too?

Mikkel quickly peeked at the door before he pulled on his pajama neckline. He sighed in relief. No chest hair yet. Good. He couldn’t start looking too different before he saw his parents again.

While he believed his father and mother would always recognize him regardless of what he looked like, Mikkel feared that maybe one day they wouldn’t be able to. Just as he had an image of them—which was based on his memory of them—, he figured they must have their own image of him. If they did, then how much longer would it be before their memories of him didn’t match his current look? How much longer before the two would be so different that they couldn’t recognize each other anymore? That they might one day see each other in the street and think of each other as nothing but strangers?

Those thoughts scared him; really, they did, but he knew he wouldn’t have to worry about that for too long though, not with his plan still in action. He was slowly working towards completing part one of his plan, and while he did that, he was going to do something else.

He was going to draw a map of the caves, and with it, he would find a way back to his time.

And as a birthday gift to himself, he was starting the map today.

* * *

As soon as he was done with school, Mikkel hopped on his bicycle and rode to the art store near the town center. All throughout the bike ride, Mikkel tried to convince himself that his excitement had everything to do with the map and nothing to do with being genuinely interested in art. 

Until last summer, Mikkel had seen art as nothing more than just something to do while he was bored. It wasn’t that he hadn’t appreciated it before, it was just that drawing and painting were nothing compared to the wonders of magic and science. But then _that_ happened last year, and everything had changed.

Initially, drawing had been nothing but a means to quiet the loud thoughts that overwhelmed his mind during his time in the cabin. Mikkel hadn’t realized until then just how soothing the sound of a pencil or a pen against paper could be. There was just something about staring at an object and trying to understand the lines that compose its shape and figuring out how to express them on paper that made him stay in the moment. He hadn’t thought it would be something that would’ve stayed with him after his time at the cabin, but when Ines had gifted him art supplies for his November birthday, he couldn’t help himself.

He just had to draw.

On the days when his mind would be too clouded to do anything, he would draw. He would block out the outside world and forget about everything but the object in front of him. He felt as though that time spent drawing belonged to him and no one else. Well, at least for now. After today, drawing would be his means to finding the way back to his parents, to his family, to his time. Admittingly, Mikkel guiltily wished for another way to create a map that didn’t include his newfound relationship with art, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

* * *

The moment Mikkel opened the door and took his first step, he was left in awe. The art store wasn’t particularly big nor did it stand out, but that didn’t matter to him. He didn’t care that this wasn’t a magic shop—to Mikkel, the art store had a magical quality to it that made him know he would come back to it again and again.

When was the last time he’d felt like this?

As he went through the aisle and the stands, Mikkel let his fingers brush against the various paints, inks, pencils, pastels, sketchbooks, and canvases. Not once did his feet stop as he explored the art store—he wanted to see and try everything. The desire to do so was so big that he wanted to plop down on the floor, get his sketchbook, forget about his mission, and just draw the store as it was. But he couldn’t; he couldn’t allow himself to get distracted. There was a reason he was here.

Mikkel reasoned that since he was to explore the caves, he would need two sketchbooks—one for the caves, and the other one to avoid causing any suspicions. The latter sketchbook would be the one he could use as a cover and show to others. Not only would it be disastrous if anyone found out what he was doing, but it would look concerning if he suddenly stopped drawing for no reason and Mikkel did not need any suspicious eyes on him. And if Mikkel was honest with himself, he didn’t want to spend the rest of his time drawing the caves. There were so many things he wanted to try out, such as painting.

After his amazement had diminished, Mikkel went directly to the sketchbook section of the store. He initially went to grab the cheapest sketchbooks he could find, but before he knew it, Mikkel had several sketchbooks with different types of paper on his hands.

Maybe getting what he wanted would be harder than he thought it would.

As he debated whether he should buy four sketchbooks instead of two, Mikkel heard two voices coming from the other aisle.

“Is it like this one?” a guy asked. Something about the guy’s voice made Mikkel think that the voice’s owner wasn’t from Winden. Mikkel raised an eyebrow. Why would anyone come to Winden?

“The tip has to be thinner,” Mikkel heard Charlotte say. “You see the number on it? It has to be half a millimeter smaller.”

There was some movement before Mikkel heard the guy say, “I’m afraid these are the only ones, Charlotte. Are you sure you don’t want to buy the set?”

“It could be misplaced, Peter. It happens quite often. Come, let’s check the next aisle.”

Mikkel heard the footsteps grow louder.

Balancing the sketchbooks on one hand, Mikkel turned around and waved at Charlotte and the guy next to her as they approached him. “Hello.”

“Hello, Michael,” Charlotte said with a small smile. She turned to the guy next to her, who Mikkel was sure he’d seen at school. “Peter, this is Michael. Michael, this is Peter.”

The first thing that stood out to Mikkel about Peter was how slightly out of place he looked. Perhaps it was because unlike the rest of Winden’s residents, Peter seemed to have this lightness to him. That observation set aside, Mikkel thought Peter was as tall as he remembered Magnus to be. However, unlike Magnus, Peter seemed thinner.

Peter extended his hand towards Mikkel. “Nice to meet you, I’m Peter Doppler.”

Something told Mikkel he should’ve remembered that last name but for now he couldn’t. Nonetheless, Mikkel shook his hand. “Michael Kahnwald.”

“Peter’s new to Winden,” Charlotte explained. “He’s been here since September.”

It didn’t take long for Mikkel to put two and two together. He wondered if Peter was related to the nuclear power plant’s now deceased ex-director. Should Mikkel say anything? Or was it better and more polite if he’d stayed quiet?

Luckily for him, Peter shrugged and said, “I’m still getting used to Winden.” He furrowed his brows. “Tell me, Michael, is Winden always this weird?”

Mikkel half-shrugged; he really wasn’t the best person to answer that. Since Peter seemed genuinely confused though, Mikkel supposed he could give him some sort of answer rather than stay quiet. “I really can’t say. I haven’t been here for that long, but maybe it’ll grow on you.”

Peter nodded and smiled gently at Mikkel. “Maybe.” His eyes landed on the sketchbooks in Mikkel’s arms, and he seemed to remember why he and Charlotte were there. “I’m sorry, but did you happen to see any pens lying around?”

Mikkel shook his head. “I’m sorry. If you want, I can help you look for some.”

And so Mikkel helped Charlotte and Peter search all throughout the store for the inking pen Charlotte needed. Why they didn’t ask the owner, Mikkel didn’t know, but he didn’t mind.

Sighing in defeat, Charlotte said, “I’ll have to buy the other one. Thank you for helping us, Michael.”

“No problem,” Mikkel said. “Hey Charlotte, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Mikkel shuffled his feet. “I’m having trouble deciding on a sketchbook. Are there any you recommend?”

“It depends on what you’re looking for and what you’ll use on it,” Charlotte replied.

“I’ve been drawing but I wanted to try out painting. I was using my acrylic paints, but the paper I was using kept warping and getting wrinkly,” Mikkel explained. He wondered if he should show her his sketchbook. Even though Mikkel was slightly proud of the progress he made in the last few months, he was by no means good at drawing, let alone painting. “I was wondering if I needed to buy a sketchbook for drawing and another one for painting, or if there’s one type of paper that could work for both.”

“Did you bring the one you were using?” Charlotte asked. Mikkel nodded and self-consciously searched through his backpack and gave her the sketchbook. Charlotte examined the paper by running her thumb and index finger against it. “I know what you need. See here? The reason why it warped is because …” 

And so Mikkel and Charlotte spent a while talking about art supplies and what would go best with what.

Once Mikkel had decided on what to buy, he thanked Charlotte and paid for his purchase. As he got on his bicycle, Mikkel took one last glance at Peter and Charlotte. "Bye, Charlotte. It was nice to meet you, Peter."

“If you ever have any other questions, you can always ask me, Michael,” Charlotte said as she waved him goodbye.

"Bye, Michael,” Peter said.

With that, Mikkel rode away.

* * *

It was as he made his way towards the forest that Mikkel realized that he’d heard the Doppler last name before the power plant murders. 

That was Elisabeth’s last name.

Had he just met Elisabeth Doppler’s father? Was there the possibility that he’d seen him at one of his parents’ many parties and get-togethers? It could be a possibility given that Elisabeth had been to the Nielsen home a couple of times.

With a frown, Mikkel slowed down.

Even though Mikkel hadn’t gotten along with Elisabeth—she had seemed unimpressed with his tricks and jokes—, it made Mikkel wonder if she or any of his former classmates and friends remembered him. If they did, did they miss him? Would they recognize him once he returned? Would he recognize them? Were they changing the same way he and his classmates were? Now that Mikkel was becoming more aware of his classmates and was a little more involved in the classroom environment, he’d noticed that he wasn’t the only one changing—they all were, some just sooner than others.

 _I’ll see them again once I find the tunnel and talk to my parents,_ he thought. _For now, I need to focus on making that happen._

He now had everything he needed to explore the caves. He had a flashlight, paper, drawing supplies, and water. He just needed to get there. If it hadn’t been for how set he was on avoiding doing things based on impulse, he would’ve gone straight to the caves the same day Hannah had inadvertently suggested he draw a map. He still didn’t know why she had said what she’d said that day, but Mikkel was grateful she’d commented on the hospital’s picture. Without Hannah, Mikkel wouldn’t have considered the possibility that his parents might need help remembering the way back to their time. A map would certainly make things easier.

His parents…

Mikkel still didn’t know what had happened to either one. He assumed the older version of his father was still at the psychiatric ward, but what about the version he knew? And what about his mother? Where was she? Was she living in the caves? Was Mikkel ready to see her after so long? Would he recognize her? Would she recognize him?

The thought of seeing his mother should’ve made him feel excited, but all Mikkel felt was nervousness. He became so nervous that his stomach twisted in such a way that Mikkel found that he had to stop pedaling as to not throw up.

Why? Why was he getting like this today? He was on a mission; he couldn’t stop now.

But every time Mikkel tried to pedal, he would become nauseous and his hands wouldn’t stop trembling. He even tried to walk and push his bicycle by its handles, but that didn’t make him feel any better.

How on earth was he supposed to start on his map if he was getting like this?

Still unable to stop himself from feeling nervous, Mikkel kept walking until he reached the bridge over the abandoned train tracks. To his surprise, there was another bicycle parked there.

It was Hannah’s bike.

His eyes shifted from Hannah’s bicycle to the road ahead of him. Even though Mikkel knew that he needed to go to the caves, some part of him was curious to find Hannah and see what she was up to. Maybe talking to her would help Mikkel’s mind become a little clearer and he would feel a little braver.

He parked his bicycle next to hers and tried to see if he could spot her from where he was standing. Since he couldn’t see her, Mikkel decided to explore the train tracks.

It took him about ten minutes of walking down the tracks before he saw Hannah’s silhouette not that far from him. She seemed to be looking at something in between the tracks. What it was, Mikkel couldn’t tell, but he figured it must’ve been something interesting or important since she seemed to be putting leaves to cover whatever it was. Curiosity got the best of him and as he approached her, Mikkel called out, “Hey, Hannah!”

Hannah automatically stiffened. She turned around and her eyes were as wide as a deer caught in headlights. The small smile that had been plastered on Mikkel’s face disappeared because the closer he got to her, the better he could see just how red Hannah’s face had become.

“Were you trying to kill me?” Hannah scolded as she glared at him with all her might.

Rather than apologize for startling her, Mikkel teased, “Who knew that Hannah Krüger was so easy to sneak on?”

“Whatever,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes. “This doesn’t make you cool at all.” Still flustered, she crossed her arms. “What do you want, Michael?”

He peeked over her shoulder and glanced at the spot she’d placed the leaves. “What are you doing here?”

“What are _you_ doing here?” Hannah asked with irritation. She proceeded to block his view by standing on her tiptoes.

Mikkel’s lips curled with amusement. Even though he had noticed how he now had to lower his eyes just a little to talk to Hannah, he hadn’t realized just how much he’d grown. When was it that Hannah stopped being taller than him? Had it really been just less than two years ago when he had to look up to talk to her? It was both amusing and scary just how tall he’d gotten since 1986.

Hannah raised an eyebrow and waved a hand in front of his face. “ _Hello_? Did you hear me?”

Mikkel blinked and his ears felt warm. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Hannah scowled, her eyes flashing intensely. “I _asked_ you ‘what are you doing here?’”

“I asked you that same question first.” He raised an eyebrow and peeked over her shoulder again. “You’re being awfully suspicious.”

“And you’re being awfully nosy,” Hannah snapped, tilting her head upwards. “You don’t see me meddling in other people’s business, do you?” Putting her hands in her pockets, she walked past him, her elbow lightly bumping against his. Glancing at him over her shoulder, she asked, “Why would it matter to you what I do here anyway?”

Mikkel proceeded to look at the tracks one last time before he went to catch up to her. Once he was next to her, he shrugged. “Weren’t you the one who complained how I never went up to you to talk?”

“I liked it better when you were quiet,” she mumbled under her breath.

“Did you really?”

Hannah gave him a sidelong glance. “No, genius.” She kicked a rock—it didn’t travel long. “Look, you startled me, and we didn’t agree on meeting today.”

“I know.” He kicked the rock and stopped walking. She slowed down and stared at him. Whatever she had been looking at must’ve meant a lot to her. Mikkel guessed his presence must’ve made her feel self-conscious. As much as he was curious, he wouldn’t pressure her to share. “I’m sorry for startling you, Hannah, really. It just struck me curious to see your bicycle by the bridge, that’s all.”

She raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

The rest of the walk was spent in silence. Once they reached their bicycles, Hannah hopped on hers but didn’t move. In fact, she seemed to be hesitating about something. Mikkel grabbed his bicycle’s handles and eyed her with concern. Was she still upset? Maybe she was worried that someone could’ve seen them together? He looked around them—as far as he could see, there wasn’t anyone else but them. Then what was wrong?

“Michael,” Hannah said, interrupting his thoughts, “you didn’t see anything, right?”

He furrowed his brows. “No, just you.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “You won’t tell anyone about this?”

“Your secret is safe with me, whatever it is.”

She didn’t seem convinced and Mikkel sighed. To prove that he was being serious, he pretended to zip his lips and pocketed away the key. 

Hannah finally relaxed and smiled mischievously at him. “Well then, now that that’s settled, you owe me one.”

“Owe you one?”

She nodded. “You walked into one of my secret spots in Winden. No one knows about them… well, no one but you. Anyway, now you owe me one of your secret hiding spots. Then we’ll be even.”

Is that why she was so upset? It didn’t even make sense.

“I don’t have one,” he said.

“Everyone has one.” She looked around before getting closer and whispering, “Just like everyone has secrets.”

Mikkel immediately stared at the road ahead and thought about the caves.

“Do you really not have one?”

Mikkel frowned and scratched his chin. He really didn’t, at least not now. The caves would become the place but he couldn’t take her there. He couldn’t have her exploring the caves and discovering the tunnel—a lot could go wrong. Most importantly though, Mikkel didn’t know what he would do if Hannah got lost and hurt in the caves and he couldn’t find her. Nothing would be worse than to be lost and never found.

“It’s fine if you don’t,” Hannah said moments later.

“I do though,” Mikkel insisted, thinking about the places he had considered secret or his space alone back in his time. Had he really not had one?

And then he remembered.

With a small smile, he asked, “Are you going home?”

“It depends on whether you’ll show me the place or not,” Hannah said.

Mikkel hopped on his bicycle. “Follow me.”

* * *

“There’s no way this could be your place,” Hannah said the moment they arrived. “Are you making fun of me?”

“Why would I make fun of you?” Mikkel asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. He parked his bicycle against a tree and gesture the area around them. “I swear I found this place. This is my spot.” Or at least it had been for about a day anyway.

Hannah clenched her jaw. “This can’t be your spot. You need to find another one.”

“Why?” What was it with her today?

“Because this is my secret spot of the lake,” she explained as though it were the most obvious thing. “This my spot and you can’t have it.”

“You don’t own it.” He scrunched his nose and sat down on a log. “Why do you need two secret hiding spots anyway?”

“That’s none of your concern.” She sat next to him and studied his face. “Tell me something, Michael, if this really is your spot, how come I’ve never seen you here?”

He shrugged nervously. “You tell me.”

Not amused, she continued, “How did you find this place?”

Mikkel opened and closed his mouth. How could he explain without really telling her the truth?

Avoiding her gaze, Mikkel lowered his eyes and stared at the sand. “I was upset one day and found this spot.” The little secluded nook had been his hiding place for less than a day until Jonas had shown up. Mikkel had found the nook one of the times he’d accompanied Magnus, Martha, Jonas, and Bartosz to the lake. Mikkel couldn’t remember why he’d separated from the group, but he figured it had something to do with the lack of attention that was given to him. Eventually his absence had been noticed and Jonas had been the one to find him. Rather than scold him, Jonas had asked him how he had found his family’s spot. Apparently, Jonas’s parents had found it a long time ago. Although he had yet to meet them, Mikkel half-expected them to pop out of nowhere and claim that he and Hannah were in their spot. “I guess it’s not very good if it can be found that easily.”

“No, I guess it’s not,” Hannah sighed. She stared at the immense lake across from them. “Either we’re terrible at this or only people like us can find it.”

“Maybe,” he said, wondering if he should tell Hannah about Jonas’s parents. Instead, he asked, “How did you find this place?”

She shrugged and kept staring ahead. “I was just exploring. There are only so many ways to entertain yourself in Winden.”

“I’m assuming this wasn’t what you had in mind when you said we could go to the lake back then.”

She shook her head. “I’m sure we would’ve found another spot.”

“Where would you have taken me last summer then?”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. Another spot that was far from here and from the ones my friends use to meet up.”

He wanted to ask if it really was that bad if her friends knew about them, but if Mikkel was honest, as much as he was trying to go back into his pre-time travel self, he wasn’t prepared for that level of interaction just yet. He could barely talk to his classmates, let alone strangers. Then why did her comment bother him so? Instead, he chose to ask, “Do you want to meet up this summer?”

“As long as nothing happens again,” she said offhandedly. As though she thought that it was an inconsiderate thing to say, Hannah quickly covered her face. “I didn’t mean it like that. Look, I have to plan it.”

“It’s okay,” he reassured her. “What if we meet here?”

“There might be days when I don’t come here. I do have a social life, you know.”

“Just decide on a time.” That way he could always go to the caves and begin his map before or after meeting up with Hannah. “I’m sure we’ll come up with something that works out for us both. What do you want to do?”

“The same as last year,” she began, waving her hand as she listed their options. “Explore Winden, find things in the forest, show me a trick or two, hear music, use my Magic 8-Ball, solve your Rubik’s cube...” She perked up and there was a spark in her eyes that made Mikkel smile sheepishly. “I know! You’re into drawing now. Tell me, do you paint?”

“I’m starting to,” he replied, noticing that Hannah’s smile grew wider and that it brightened her face.

“I can bring my camera and take photos. You can paint them and then show it to me. It’s good practice.” Liking the idea, Hannah nodded to herself. “Yes, we could do that, we can definitely do that. I’m already thinking of all the things you can draw and paint.” Her eyes searched his and she smirked. “There’s a catch though.”

Mikkel raised his eyebrows. “A catch?”

She tilted her head and tried to appear nonchalant. “If I like what you paint or draw, I get to keep it, no matter what it is. I’ve always wanted to have a painting.”

Mikkel placed a hand under his chin. “And what do I get in exchange?”

“Weren’t you listening to me?” she snapped, puffing out her cheeks.

Mikkel chuckled. “I’m joking, Hannah.”

“Is it a deal then?”

“Sounds like a plan,” he said, surprised that Hannah hadn’t extended her hand to strike the deal.

They spent about another hour talking before they decided it was time to go home. Mikkel’s eyes headed towards the caves’ direction. He would have to go there at another time. It would soon get dark and he didn’t want Ines to worry about him.

“Michael,” Hannah began, “before we part ways, there’s something else you need to do.”

“What is it?”

“You need to find another secret spot and tell me about it.”

“It defeats the purpose. Besides, you said earlier I owed you one. Well, this is the one and only. And if I do happen to find another one, I don’t have to share it with you. Better luck next time.”

Hannah snorted. “Okay, whatever you say.”

Happy that he had won, Mikkel smirked. The smirk quickly fell off his lips though because as he got up he could’ve sworn that he heard a rip.

_Oh no._

He prayed Hannah didn’t see anything.

“Did your pants just rip?” Hannah asked as she looked at him from where she was sitting.

“No…”

She raised an eyebrow and smiled wickedly. “Well, well, well, who knew Michael Kahnwald’s underwear had spaceships on them?”

“They do not!” he exclaimed mortified, his voice cracking terribly and knowing for a fact that his face was as red as a tomato. He wanted the world to swallow him whole. He looked at his pants but saw no rip.

Huh?

Not holding back anymore, Hannah laughed. “I wish I would’ve had my camera with me. You should’ve seen your face. But I guess you heard how much your voice cracked.”

Mikkel placed a hand on his throat and thought about his voice. While Mikkel’s voice was a little deeper than before and cracked on occasion, he was lucky that he was on the quiet side. Some of his other classmates, those who were louder and spoke more, had become the joke of others whenever their voices cracked. It was worse when girls made comments on it. Flustered, Mikkel mocked, “Ha ha, very funny, Hannah.”

Still laughing, she said, “You’re right, it was funny. It’s payback for earlier.” She grabbed her backpack and looked smug. “In case you’re wondering, the sound came from my backpack.” And then, as an afterthought, she pointed at his ankles and told him, “You may want to get new pants though. I don’t think ripped jeans suit you.”

Had she noticed how much taller he’d grown?

Shaking his head, Mikkel chuckled lightly. Ears still warm, he said, “I’ll remember that.” He then extended his hands towards her to help her get up. Hannah seemed surprised but placed hers on his anyway.

It was only now that Mikkel realized that not only had he grown taller than Hannah but that his hands were slightly bigger than hers. Had Hannah’s hands always been that small? Had they always felt this soft? This warm? Mikkel was amazed at how nice it felt to have her hands in his.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he said quietly. Suddenly, his nervousness from earlier returned to his stomach, though Mikkel thought it wasn’t all that unpleasant. He gently let go of her hands and hoped she hadn’t felt weird. He gave her a small smile. “We should go. It’s getting late.”

* * *

It was close to nighttime by the time Mikkel arrived home. From the outside, he could see that the lights were on, and that could only mean one thing—Ines was home.

As he closed the front door, Mikkel cleared his throat and said, “Good evening, Ines.”

He got no response.

That was weird. Why would the lights be on if Ines wasn’t here?

Frowning, Mikkel walked further inside, already preparing himself for whoever had broken into the house. He didn’t have to prepare or worry for long though because the only other person present was Ines who was sitting at the dining table. Relieved, Mikkel sighed and placed his backpack on the floor. With Ines’s back still facing him, Mikkel said, “Hello, Ines.”

Ines didn’t reply; in fact, she didn’t show any signs of having heard him.

Mikkel’s frown deepened and he got closer to her. From where he was standing, he could see that Ines was playing with a cigarette, seemingly debating whether to light it or not. That alone was enough for Mikkel to know that something had happened for Ines only smoked inside if something was truly bothering her. Trying not to startle her, Mikkel carefully sat down on the chair next to hers. “Ines? Is everything alright?”

Ines kept her eyes on the cigarette between her fingers. She pursed her lips together and shook her head slightly as she twirled the cigarette.

Mikkel tentatively placed his hand on hers—he could sense the anxious energy on her fingers. He was about to ask her if she wanted some ‘Toast Hawaii’ or if she needed anything when Ines snapped out of it. She brought her other hand to her forehead and she laughed lightly, though to Mikkel her laugh sounded a bit nervous. “Michael, what a surprise! When did you arrive?”

Mikkel studied her face and replied, “Not that long ago. Did something happen, Ines?”

“I was just thinking,” she said with a tight-lipped smile. As though to convince him that she was fine, Ines finally let go of the cigarette and instead played with a placemat. “I was just thinking that I… that maybe… I’m fine, Michael, really.”

“Do you want some ‘Toast Hawaii’? You seem sad,” Mikkel said quietly, not fully convinced that Ines was doing fine. While he knew it was normal for people to have off days, it was a bit disconcerting to see Ines in such an off mood.

“Michael… I’m sorry for making you worry.”

Mikkel shook his head. To let her know that he was here for her, Mikkel settled on giving her hand a light squeeze. It was such a simple gesture, but he figured it meant a lot to Ines because moments later she whispered, “I think I saw a ghost.”

“A ghost?” he asked as he raised his eyebrows. While Mikkel didn’t believe in what science couldn’t prove, he couldn’t help but be worried. He knew that Ines wasn’t the type to lie about something like that; in fact, Mikkel didn’t think Ines was all that capable of lying. Had Ines really seen a ghost, or had she seen something else? And if so, where? Surely the ghost wasn’t here…

As though she’d read his mind, Ines said, “Not in the literal sense of the word. A white ghost didn’t show up shouting ‘boo’ in hopes of scaring me.” She wiggled her fingers in front of him and chuckled. She then laced her hands together on the table and became serious. Half-shrugging, she continued, “She just… she seemed familiar, I suppose. The lady, I mean. It was weird because I felt like I’d seen her before, but something wasn’t right. I couldn’t tell if she felt familiar because I knew her or because she reminded me of myself back when…” She frowned and waved her hand dismissively. The sadness in her eyes didn’t disappear though. “It doesn’t matter. What about you? How was your day? What took you so long?”

“I went to the art store,” Mikkel replied, not bothering to elaborate on the rest.

Ines gave him a curious smile. “Did you buy anything?”

He nodded. “A sketchbook.”

“You’ve gotten really good at drawing. It’s good that you’ve found a way to express yourself.”

“Thank you” he said, smiling sheepishly. “It’s been fun; drawing, I mean.”

“What about painting?”

“Actually, that’s why I went to the art store. I was trying out the acrylic paints on the sketchbook you got me, but it wasn’t working the way I thought it would.”

“I’m sorry about that,” she said looking dejected. “I didn’t know that there were different types of papers.”

“No, it’s okay,” he reassured her quickly. “Really, Ines. I didn’t know either. I asked Charlotte to help me though.”

“Charlotte Tannhaus?”

He nodded. “She knows a lot about art.” He recounted everything Charlotte had said. Even though he supposed Ines had no idea what he was talking about, she looked happier than what she’d been when he arrived home. Perhaps his chatter was a good distraction for her. “And guess what? I met someone today.”

“That’s great, Michael,” Ines said, grinning and placing a hand on his cheek. “I told you that you would eventually have friends. I’m really happy for you.”

Mikkel smiled sheepishly.

“We should celebrate,” Ines said, standing up and walking towards the kitchen.

“It’s not necessary, Ines.”

Ines pretended to be shocked. “That it’s not necessary? Of course, it is! After dinner we’ll have some ice cream, yes?”

Ice cream sounded good; it was the closest he would get to birthday cake today. “Sure, but at least let me help you with dinner.”

* * *

As he finished sipping the last of his hot cocoa, Mikkel stared at himself in the mirror once again.

Despite the eventful day, Mikkel’s birthday went the same way as the previous one. He’d had one plan and he hadn’t been able to see it through.

Why hadn’t he gone to the caves? Why had he chickened out? And most importantly, why had he been nervous at the possibility of seeing his mother again?

Maybe he wasn’t scared of seeing her again. Maybe he was just scared that what had happened back in June would happen again.

Mikkel frowned as he studied his face.

Or maybe he was just scared that once they came face to face they wouldn’t recognize each other.

“I’m making excuses again,” he muttered under his breath.

But was he really? Weren’t his fears and worries reasonable? Did his family have the same fears? Would they understand him? Had they changed as much as he had? Would they still recognize him despite how tall he’d grown? Now that his cheeks were a little sharper? That his hair was shorter? That his voice was a little different? Would he recognize them if they had more gray hairs? If they were thinner? Had more wrinkles? If their eyes were as empty looking as his had been the previous year? If they looked any different from what he remembered them to be? Were his memories of them even accurate? What about his family’s memories of him?

 _Maybe that’s why family photos are important_ , he thought. _That way you never forget how someone truly looked like._

Family photos…

Mikkel stared at his sketchbook from across the room.

Maybe he should draw his family. No, he should paint them, colors and all. It would be the closest thing he had to pictures of them, and that way he would never forget how they looked. It couldn’t be that hard. He just needed to learn how to draw people, that’s all.

Mikkel directed his gaze back to the mirror.

What about him resembled his family? Was his nose his mother’s nose? Were his eyes the same shape as his father’s? Was it Magnus who had a freckle or two on his neck? Or was that Martha? Were they all wondering the same about Mikkel?

“That’s what I’ll do,” he told his reflection with a nod. “I’ll draw them and then explore the caves.”

It seemed like a plan.

That night, as sleep overtook him, Mikkel thought about his family. He thought about his father, his mother, Magnus and Martha, and how much they meant to him. Right before he fell asleep, he made his birthday wish.

_I wish to never forget their faces._


	17. The lake and the caves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But as peaceful or calming or fun or nice as he felt whenever he painted, drew, or spoke with either Regina, Charlotte, or Peter, none of it compared to how he felt whenever he spent time with Hannah at the lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to justahappylittletree, The Terror of My Ways (sealandreich), Tricia_Guima, ultima88, and CaLeTaTa for your comments :) to baelfires for the kudos :) and to everyone who reads this fic :) 
> 
> Once again this chapter is from Mikkel's POV. It wasn't supposed to be 3 consecutive Mikkel chapters but given that the last two chapters were supposed to be 1, this is the result. Anyway, there are some things I kind of glossed over in this chapter but it will expanded/explained in the future. 
> 
> Take care and hope you enjoy the reading :)

_March 4th – July 1st 1988_

The rest of the school year went surprisingly well if Mikkel said so himself.

While he still held onto his belief that school sucked, his distaste for it wasn’t as strong as before. As the school year had progressed, Mikkel had found himself enjoying school a little more than he had ever thought was possible.

Mikkel supposed his peers no longer saw him as the weird new kid who had, for unknown reasons, stumbled upon Winden. It wasn’t to say that Mikkel wasn’t still considered weird, because he still was. He had once unfortunately made the mistake of mentioning something that had yet to exist. He’d been met with confused looks and a couple of snickers, but he’d surprised himself in realizing that he hadn’t been as mortified as he knew he would’ve been the previous year. In fact, once he realized that the slip up hadn’t bothered him as much as it should’ve had, Mikkel had remembered that even though he’d considered himself cool back in his time, he had still been considered weird by others from time to time. If it hadn’t bothered him then, why would it bother him now?

That set aside though, what had made school bearable for Mikkel was that he now felt a little more at ease with others. While it was normal for Mikkel to be seen talking to Regina, Charlotte, or Peter, it now wasn’t a rare sight for Mikkel to be seen exchanging words with his classmates. Of course, most of the time Mikkel had the role of listener, but when he did talk, he didn’t feel the same sense of impending doom that he’d felt before. He couldn’t help but feel proud of himself. He only hoped there was nothing wrong with feeling like that.

* * *

_July 1988_

Mikkel was pleasantly surprised to find that, unlike last year’s summer—which was filled with suffocating monotonous and boring days—, this summer he was genuinely busy and enjoying every second of it.

Very much like with drawing, Mikkel had grown quite fond of painting. If he had thought that drawing had been his one escape from reality, then he’d been wrong. Once he’d begun to paint, Mikkel knew that he never wanted to let go of his paintbrushes ever again. His growing love for it was so strong that Mikkel swore that the time he dedicated to honing his artistic skills almost rivaled the time he had given towards perfecting his magic tricks.

For Mikkel, painting was like a puzzle that he was eager to take his time solving. Before he set his paintbrush on the paper or canvas, Mikkel would work towards understanding how the light fell on the object and which colors he was going to use for the art piece. Sometimes he would test the colors on a scrap piece of paper, and other times he went into the deep end and figured it out as he went along.

During the times he couldn’t figure out how to make the art piece work, he would grow exasperated. However, the frustration that he felt during those moments was a welcomed one. Not only did it distract Mikkel from his worries, but it challenged him into finding solutions to his problems. Sometimes the solution was something as simple as stepping away and looking at things from a different angle. Sometimes the solution was just letting the paint dry and working over it. And sometimes the solution was simply finishing the painting, studying it, and restarting on a new sheet of paper. Regardless of the complications or results, Mikkel always felt like he could control the medium and make something beautiful out of it. It was so unlike drawing.

Mikkel had initially thought that moving from drawing to painting would be hard. Not only did they require different skills, but Mikkel was still just a beginner. But the more Mikkel painted, the more he realized that he found drawing to be harder. It wasn’t that he wasn’t good at drawing, it was just that he felt he had more liberties with painting. One day he could try to paint realistically and the next he could dabble in abstract painting. He was free to let the colors just be. He couldn’t do that with drawing.

When drawing, Mikkel always felt compelled to represent things exactly as they were. He felt forced to portray his reality to the best of his abilities and understanding. Having to do that frustrated him. Nothing illustrated that better than his failed attempts at recreating portraits of his family members.

While his goal was to one day paint them, Mikkel knew he first needed to learn how to draw them. It was hard though; the only reference Mikkel had was himself. He knew that he wasn’t the best reference, but his options were limited. It wasn’t like he could walk up to Ulrich and Katharina and ask them if he could study their faces. Since Mikkel couldn’t do that, he would embarrassingly spend hours sitting by the mirror and looking at his reflection, trying to decipher which parts of him resembled his parents and which parts resembled his siblings. He never got too far in his drawings of them.

To help his predicament, Mikkel had considered asking Charlotte for some drawing advice. However, whenever they did happen to cross paths, after greeting each other, they would spend time in silence, either drawing or painting. Mikkel didn’t mind though; he welcomed the peace and calmness that the silence provided. The only times they weren’t in silence were on the rare occasions when Peter joined them. Just as Mikkel didn’t mind the silence, he didn’t mind Peter’s lighthearted presence.

Since Mikkel couldn’t bring himself to ask Charlotte for help, he had decided that maybe he could find answers in the library. It wasn’t the same as going on the internet or watching videos, but Mikkel enjoyed it nonetheless. In a way, going through the bookshelves and trying to find what he was looking for reminded him of a scavenger hunt. Sometimes Regina, who spent a lot of her free time at the library, would help him with his search. Sometimes, rather than read, they would just talk. It was fun.

But as peaceful or calming or fun or nice as he felt whenever he painted, drew, or spoke with either Regina, Charlotte, or Peter, none of it compared to how he felt whenever he spent time with Hannah at the lake.

* * *

_July 23rd 1988_

Despite the silly arguments they’d had about the secluded nook, Mikkel and Hannah really hadn’t bothered searching for another place to meet up. They would meet at the lake almost every day and always at the same time. It was as though the little nook by the lake and the time spent there was theirs alone.

Sitting against the log, Mikkel glanced at Hannah and felt himself smile. As she looked through some photographs she’d brought Mikkel for inspiration, Hannah hummed and lightly moved her feet to the rhythm of the music coming from her cassette player.

With headphones still on and not looking at him, Hannah said, “Paint this one.” She waved a photograph and it brushed against his face. The action made Mikkel stop mixing the yellow and blue acrylic paints.

“Maybe later,” Mikkel replied, moving his head away from the photograph and staring at the Rubik’s cube in front of him. “I want to finish painting this one.”

Hannah kept waving the photograph and Mikkel sighed. He tapped her shoulder.

She finally turned to face him. She paused the music and took off her headphones. “What?”

“I said I might paint the photo later.” With his paintbrush, Mikkel pointed at his artwork. “I’m still painting the cube. I want to get the colors right.”

Hannah stared at the Rubik’s cube and scrunched her nose. “You’re still on that thing? Paint something else. Don’t you ever get tired of the stupid cube?”

Mikkel rolled his eyes goodheartedly. “Just because you can’t solve it doesn’t mean it’s stupid.” When Hannah narrowed her eyes, Mikkel teased, “Hannah, what kind of artist would I be if I didn’t do my best to finish my painting after all the hard work you put into shuffling the colors for me?”

Appearing offended, Hannah lightly pushed his shoulder. “I would be able to solve it if _someone_ would happen to tell me how to do it.”

Mikkel held back a smile. “That’s cheating though.”

“No, it’s simply peer support.” She smirked before finally letting laughter escape her lips. Mikkel joined her soon after.

Once their laughter died down, Mikkel scooted closer and studied the photo in Hannah’s hands. It was blurry. Mikkel could tell that Hannah had taken the photograph herself. Just as she’d told him back in March, Hannah had brought her camera with her to the lake on several occasions. Sometimes she took photos of the lake or the trees surrounding their spot. Sometimes she would bring him photos of wildflowers or of the Winden forest. And sometimes, when her camera had no film or she wanted to work on collages, she would bring magazines and cut pictures of animals, insects, flowers, or foreign places. It made Mikkel wonder if Hannah, like most teenagers, also dreamt of escaping and seeing a world beyond Winden.

“What’s this?” he asked, unable to decipher what Hannah had taken a photograph of.

“A photo of a bird,” Hannah replied, as though it was meant to be obvious. She smiled coyly. “I thought you had an artistic eye.”

Pretending to be impressed, Mikkel raised his eyebrows. “Ah, I see it now. It’s abstract, of course.” Mikkel could faintly see the bird’s shape.

Hannah tried frowning but Mikkel could tell she wanted to smile. “I didn’t want to disturb it, but it moved.” She gently ran her index finger on the blurry image before she handed it over to him.

“Which type of bird was it?” Mikkel asked, feeling his face grow a little warm as Hannah’s fingers briefly brushed against his. 

Hannah shifted a little closer to him and stared at the image with gentle eyes. “I really want to believe it was a dove, but I’m probably kidding myself.”

“You like doves?”

She shrugged. “You really can’t stay upset when looking at one.” Blushing, she avoided his gaze. “What’s wrong with liking doves anyway?”

“Nothing,” he said softly, his eyes lingering on Hannah’s face for a moment before moving onto his unfinished painting. “I’ll do it. I’ll paint the dove.”

Hannah turned to face him with a grin so genuine and bright that her eyes lit up. Mikkel smiled sheepishly and his stomach fluttered in a not unpleasant way. He tried not to think too much as to why the sight of Hannah looking so happy had such an effect on him.

Hannah tilted her head and asked, “What’s wrong? What are you staring at?”

Embarrassed for having been caught staring, Mikkel mumbled, “I just, um, I… I don’t know. I mean… nothing, nothing’s wrong.” Mentally chiding himself, Mikkel grabbed his art materials and said, “I’ll start working on the dove painting right away.” 

“Cool. While you do that, I’ll be ignoring you.” She leaned against the log once again, put her headphones back on, and proceeded to take out a magazine from her backpack.

Some time passed, but Mikkel couldn’t start the painting. He told himself that he couldn’t paint, not because he kept wondering what Hannah would say if he asked her if he could paint her one day, but because he didn’t know how Hannah wanted the dove to look like. Knowing he had nothing to lose, he lightly tapped her shoulder.

Hannah pulled her headphones down. “Hm?”

“I wanted to know if…” he trailed off as he became puzzled at the sight of Hannah’s magazine. Instead of reading, Hannah had decided to grab a marker and black out certain words from the article. With her editing, the article had changed so much that Mikkel couldn’t tell what the original article was even about.

“You wanted to know if…” Hannah prompted, twirling the marker around.

Rather than find out what he really wanted to know, Mikkel asked, “Can I read it?”

Amused, Hannah smirked. “Nosy much?” She handed him the magazine.

As he finished reading the article, Mikkel commented, “It’s completely different.” He shook his head. “You changed its meaning and now it’s a different story.” It wasn’t to say it wasn’t an interesting story, but Mikkel couldn’t help but wonder what the original one said. It was both impressive and slightly disconcerting.

Clearly his reaction hadn’t been what she’d expected. Hannah frowned and pursed her lips. “No, I didn’t.”

He put the magazine down. “You twisted things around. There’s no way this is what actually happened.”

“It’s still the same event,” she said slowly. “I just played around with the words. I created the idea of illusion.” She crossed her arms. “How is this any different from what you do?”

Not what he’d been expecting at all. “What do you mean?”

“With your magic tricks and your paintings,” she explained, gesturing his sketchbook and the Rubik’s cube. “With your magic tricks, you’re literally twisting things around and making people see things that aren’t there. With your art, you can change things around depending on your abilities or on what you want your viewer, A.K.A. me, to focus on.” She lifted her chin and offered him a challenging look. “I play with words, and you play with objects and colors.”

Mikkel let that settle in. He glanced at the magazine and his painting. “I had never thought about it that way. I think you’re right.” Hannah extended her hand and Mikkel handed her the magazine. He eyed his sketchbook and cleared his throat. “Anyway, I wanted to know how you would like the—"

“Surprise me,” she said, putting her things back into her bag. She looked at her watch. “I have to go.”

Mikkel felt a wave of disappointment wash over him. “So soon?”

“I need to get home and get ready. I’m meeting my friends later today.”

“See you tomorrow then?”

“Same time, same place,” Hannah confirmed, walking towards her bicycle. “See you, Michael.”

“Bye, Hannah,” he said, his eyes not leaving her frame until she disappeared between the trees.

* * *

_July 24th – August 14th 1988_

Hannah didn’t show up to the lake the next day. Or the day after that. Or any of the days following that one.

Concerned, Mikkel had gone to the hospital in hopes of finding Mr. Krüger and asking him if Hannah was feeling okay. To Mikkel’s great surprise, once he had found him, Mr. Krüger had told him that Hannah was doing well. Mikkel had thanked Mr. Krüger for the information and had left feeling confused.

* * *

Mikkel didn’t go back to the lonely spot by the lake; instead, he had decided that he needed to start getting used to the caves.

He never got too far though.

The first few times he had gotten to the caves’ entrance, Mikkel had felt so nauseous that he’d had to sit down for the world to stop spinning. Once he’d thought he was doing better, Mikkel had tried to begin his map. Much to his great disappointment and embarrassment, Mikkel had found that he would tremble so much that he couldn’t even hold the pencil, let alone draw anything on paper.

Due to his lack of progress, Mikkel always left in a bad mood. Sadly, that meant Ines had noticed. She had asked him on several occasions if something had happened or if he was having trouble falling asleep. Because Ines had looked worried, Mikkel had said that he was just having nightmares. It hadn’t been a lie though—he still got them from time to time, he just never remembered what they were about. He didn’t think Ines had believed him though because she’d sighed and had said, “The past is the past and now is now.”

And so, between the bad moods and the nightmares, Mikkel’s mind became too tired and too clouded to do anything.

Eventually, he decided that it was best to leave the caves and his map a rest and just focus on school.

He hoped his parents would understand.

* * *

_October 21st 1988_

Waiting for the class period to finish and for autumn break to begin, Mikkel played with his Rubik’s cube. He was twisting the top towards the right when he felt someone sit next to him.

It was Fred.

“Are you joining us?” Fred asked while he gestured to some of their classmates.

Without stopping his hands from twisting and turning, Mikkel lifted his gaze from the Rubik’s cube to Fred. “Joining you on what?”

“You really zoned out,” Fred laughed. “We’re going to the caves on Halloween. Well, first we’ll meet at the bridge, then we’ll go to the caves.”

Mikkel’s hands halted and the Rubik’s cube almost fell from his grasp. His voice sounded far-off to his own ears. “The caves? Why?”

Fred opened his mouth to answer, but someone from across the classroom shouted, “Don’t listen to him Michael! He’s convinced One-Eyed Willy can be found in the Winden caves!”

Mikkel went from being slightly scared to being utterly perplexed. “ _One-Eyed Willy_? The one from the movie?”

Fred opened his mouth again, but Mia sat on top of their table and said, “If I were you, Michael, I wouldn’t listen to anything he says.” She lifted her chin and looked down at Fred. “About two or three years ago, Freddy Krueger here had most of us convinced that we were going to find One-Eyed Willy’s treasure here in Winden. Can you believe that? He even had a map and everything.”

“A map of the caves?” Mikkel’s eyes went wide with disbelief. There was a map? He didn’t have to draw one anymore?

“Yes, a map of the caves,” Fred said. Mikkel noted that Fred looked like he was torn between looking embarrassed and looking proud of himself.

Mia rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Don’t be fooled. The map was one he created himself.” She glared at Fred. “Nearly got us lost and dead.”

“But you guys all had fun,” Fred grumbled. “You spent weeks talking about it.”

Mia shrugged and told Mikkel, “Don’t get me wrong, it was fun. But thinking about it now, it was really stupid.”

Annoyed, Fred sighed. “Okay, so I admit I’ve had brighter moments, but I’m serious this time! We’ll be better prepared.” He turned to face Mikkel, eyes pleading him to back him up. “So, are you joining us?”

Mikkel narrowed his eyes. “Why do you want to go to the caves?”

Mia leaned forward. “Because he’s cra—"

“Because I’m sure there’s something weird going on in the caves,” Fred interrupted, clearly annoyed.

“He’s crazy, Michael,” several voices exclaimed from across the classroom.

Exasperated, Fred shook his head and said, “Just because I’m capable of understanding that there’s the possibility that something weird exists in the caves doesn’t mean I’m crazy.” He turned towards Mikkel and pointed at his classmates with his thumb. “Don’t listen to them, Michael.”

Mikkel looked at his Rubik’s cube. Fred wasn’t wrong; there was something wrong with the Winden caves and Mikkel was proof of that. Nonetheless, Mikkel couldn’t help but wonder if the thing that Fred was curious to find out was none other than Mikkel’s mother. He clenched his jaw at the thought.

“So, are you joining us?” When Mikkel didn’t reply, Fred frowned. “Michael?”

Mikkel snapped out of his thoughts. “Sorry, what?” He then remembered the topic at hand. His eyes shifted from Fred to the clock. “I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s risky?”

“See?” Mia sang. “Thank you, Michael, for having some common sense!”

Dejected, Fred placed his head on his hands. “So this is how all great scientists feel like. I can’t believe I’m going to have to use my backup plan.” He let out a long sigh and stood up. “People, listen up!”

“What now?” some groaned.

“If you join me on the thirty-first, you get to go to my brother and his friends’ party.”

The bell finally rang.

Suddenly, everyone—well, almost everyone—became animated. Through the noise, Mikkel heard comments and questions like: “You mean it?”, “Are you for real?”, “That’s so cool!”, “I’ll go!”, “You’re lying!”, “This is so stupid!”, and “At what time?”

The reactions puzzled Mikkel since he had come across Fred, his mother, and his younger brother Matthias on several occasions while he helped Ines with the shopping. Mikkel figured this famous brother had to be Fred’s older brother. As a younger brother himself, Mikkel knew that no one’s friends would get that excited for a younger brother’s party.

As Mikkel left the room and he walked towards his locker, a single thought ran through his mind.

Should he try to warn his classmates about not going to the caves?

“Michael, wait up,” Fred called out.

Mikkel frowned and closed his locker. “Were you being serious in the classroom?”

“About what?”

“Everything.”

Fred grimaced. “I have to figure out what I’m going to do about my brother. I just think it’s better and safer if many people go, you know?”

“I don’t get it,” Mikkel said as he headed towards Regina and Charlotte, who were talking in some corner of the hallway. “Why are you interested in the caves?”

“Every country, every city, every town, every single place in the world has a thing that’s off about them,” Fred explained with great enthusiasm. Fred hadn’t been kidding when he said that he knew “weird”. Throughout his time knowing his classmate, Mikkel had come to learn that, despite having a huge respect and admiration towards the sciences, Fred was a firm believer in all things paranormal and a huge fan of science fiction. “I refuse to believe that there isn’t any anomaly in Winden. There has to be something that we have that doesn’t exist in any other part of the world.”

“So you think that that something is inside the caves?” Mikkel asked, gripping his backpack straps to stop his hands from trembling.

“Yes, I do. I think we could find something in there that will shock everyone.”

“Like what?”

“That’s what I want to find out.” Fred grinned. “I have my theories, but the possibilities are endless.”

Before greeting Regina and Charlotte, Mikkel turned to face Fred. “I still think you should be careful. Things could go wrong very quickly in that place.”

“I know.” Trying to be cool, Fred leaned against the wall. He eyed Regina and Charlotte. “If you want, you can go with us.”

“To where?” Charlotte asked, exchanging a look with Regina.

Fred placed a hand on the back of his neck and looked down. “The caves. A few of us will go and explore it on Halloween night.”

“The caves?” Regina repeated in disbelief. “Why would you do that?” Brows knitted with worry, she stared at Mikkel. “You’re not thinking of going, are you?”

Eyes on him, Mikkel shrunk into himself. “I’m not sure. I need to think about it.”

Regina placed a shaky hand on Mikkel’s shoulder. She cast Fred a look. “I don’t think you should go. There’s something wrong with those caves, even more so at night. Why don’t you go to the movie theater or have a get-together at someone’s place instead?”

Fred sighed, and instead of addressing Regina, he told Mikkel, “I’ll let you know how things go.” He waved goodbye and left.

“You’re not really planning on going, right?” Regina asked, biting her lip.

“I don’t know,” Mikkel admitted. He looked at Charlotte. “Are you going?”

Charlotte shook her head and began walking. “Regina and I were talking about going to the movies that day. I’m thinking of inviting Peter.”

“You should come with us, Michael,” Regina suggested with a small smile. “You could even invite a fri—”

Someone bumped into Regina. She stumbled backwards and would’ve fallen if Charlotte and Mikkel hadn’t been there. The other person wasn’t so lucky though.

“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” a guy, who Mikkel knew was part of Hannah’s friend group, scolded. The guy looked at the fallen girl, her long hair covering her face. “Can you get up?”

Mikkel got on the floor to help her. “Are you okay? You didn’t get hurt, right?” The girl pushed her hair back and Mikkel’s eyes widened. It was Hannah.

Avoiding Mikkel’s gaze, Hannah nodded slightly. Hannah cast the guy a look, before she stuffed her things into her backpack. Mikkel handed her her notebook and when their fingers briefly touched, she looked at him for a moment before standing up and calling out, “Wait for me!” She cast Mikkel one last glance before quickly catching up with the guy. Mikkel noticed that Hannah went to hold onto his hand, but the guy swiftly placed his arm around her shoulders. Even though Mikkel could only see the back of their heads, he could tell that Hannah seemed dejected by the action.

“She could’ve said ‘thank you’,” Regina muttered moments later. She sighed and firmly pressed her lips together.

Easing the tension, Charlotte asked, “Are we still going to the movies on Wednesday?”

Mikkel frowned. “Wednesday? I thought the thirty-first was on a Monday.”

“We’re going next week and on Halloween,” Regina explained. “Tickets are half price on Wednesdays. You can join us if you want.”

“I’ll think about it and I’ll let you know.”

Regina got a piece of paper and wrote down the time and address. Mikkel thanked her. He fixed his backpack and said, “I’ll see you next week then.”

* * *

_October 26th 1988_

Satisfied with his painting, Mikkel put his paintbrush down. He looked at his watch; he still had time before he needed to head to the movie theater. While waiting for the paint to dry, he leaned against the log and stared at the lake in front of him, enjoying the peaceful and beautiful afternoon.

It’d been a while since he had spent any time at the secret nook by the lake, but with nothing else to do during the break, he had come back to it. He hadn’t even realized how much he had missed the place, but it wasn’t the same without Hannah. It wasn’t the same without her company, her laughter and smile, her jokes, and her random topics of conversation. And even though Mikkel was used to seeing her at school and not being able to talk to her, he hadn’t gotten used to her absence. He briefly wondered if she felt the same, but quickly shot down the idea. It was obvious to him that their time at the lake had meant more to him than it ever had to her. Clearly he’d been nothing but someone she could pass time with, and the thing was, he really couldn’t be mad at her for that. Hadn’t he thought the same thing about her the year before?

Just then, he heard a snap of twigs behind him.

Stiffening, Mikkel turned around and slowly walked towards where the sound came from. He sighed in relief when he saw who it was.

“Hello, Hannah,” he said, noticing that Hannah was holding what looked like a small tin box. Hannah gave him a blank stare. Since she stayed quiet, Mikkel continued, “‘Hello, Michael. Nice to see you. How are you?’ ‘I’m good, thank you. How about you, Hannah?’ ‘I’m doing well, thanks. It’s been a while since we’ve spoken.’ ‘I know, right?’”

He got a reaction from her, just not the one he’d hoped for. Unamused, Hannah kept her lips in a firm line. Mikkel thought they had a tinge of color on them but couldn’t confirm it since Hannah lightly pushed him out of the way as she headed towards the log. He barely heard her mumble, “I’m not in the mood, Michael.”

Concerned, Mikkel sat next to her.

Hannah briefly glanced at him but said nothing, her long unbound hair a curtain between them. She looked about as upset as the first time he saw her back in the hospital.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

Hannah continued to ignore him. She pulled out a small object from the box. From where Mikkel was sitting, he could see that it had a small mirror. Hannah looked at her reflection before she snorted derisively and wiped away the little bit of color she had on her lips. She then tied her hair into her usual ponytail.

“How stupid,” he thought he heard her murmur. She gripped the object tightly and proceeded to stay silent, seemingly trying to hold back tears. She brought her legs to her chest, wrapped her arms around them, and avoided his gaze.

“Hannah? Did something happen?” Unsure of what he should do next, Mikkel said, “I’m sorry if I did something to upset you. It wasn’t my intention.” Since Hannah didn’t show any signs of having heard him, Mikkel fidgeted his hands. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I can leave if you want. Just know that… I’m here if you need someone to talk to.” Figuring that Hannah wanted to be left alone, Mikkel sighed. “I’ll leave you alone then.”

Mikkel didn’t even get to stand up because Hannah finally spoke. It was nothing he’d expected her to say though. Then again, he never knew what would leave Hannah’s mouth. “Don’t you think a car is a stupid choice for a time machine?” Hannah turned her head slightly to meet his eyes.

“What…?” He wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly.

She tightened her arms around her knees. “ _Back to the Future_ is such a stupid movie. But it’d be nice to travel through time.”

Very gently, Mikkel placed a hand on her arm. “Hannah, what’s wrong?”

Hannah’s eyes shifted from his face to her arm, and Mikkel withdrew his hand. Disappointment flashed through Hannah’s eyes, but it disappeared so soon Mikkel wasn’t sure if he’d imagined it. “I’m just having a bad day, Michael,” she confessed with a long sigh. “Only I would think today would be any different, that it would be special.” Mikkel was about to open his mouth when Hannah asked, “So do you or do you not think a car is a stupid choice for a time machine?”

“I don’t know. It looks cool, but yes, I guess it is kind of impractical.”

“What do you think would work better?”

Deep in thought, he pressed his lips together. “Something small. It would be easier to carry around.” He frowned. “Why? Do you want a time machine?”

She played with her dress hem and nodded.

“Why?”

“None of your business, Captain Future.” Then, as an afterthought, she whispered, “I’d travelled to the past. Just like you.”

His heart dropped to his stomach and Mikkel felt himself grow pale. “You’re not supposed to do that. You could mess things up.” But did the future really change? Shouldn’t he have disappeared by now? He turned his face towards where he thought the caves would be. “I’d rather go to the future though.” But then again, wasn’t the future his past?

“Well, great,” she mumbled, clearly miffed. She proceeded to stare intently at a stick by their feet.

Mentally punching himself for making her go into another bad mood, Mikkel wondered what he could do to lightened things up. He then got an idea. “Do you want to see a magic trick?”

Hannah raised her eyebrows. “I thought you didn’t do those anymore.”

“I can make an exception for you,” he said with a small smile.

She perked up and put a hand in her pocket. “Do you need a coin?”

Mikkel shook his head and searched through his backpack. “I’ll use my pencil.”

She studied his face, looking for any signs that he was kidding. “A pencil? I’ve never heard of magic tricks with pencils.”

He smirked. “Then allow me to show you.”

Mikkel performed several tricks, and with each one, Hannah’s bad mood was slowly replaced with a soft smile.

“That was cool,” Hannah said once Mikkel performed the last trick. She grabbed the pencil and tried recreating it. “You need to show me how—” she rolled her eyes goodheartedly and corrected herself, “ _when_ you do that.”

Mikkel felt his lips mirror hers. “Sure.”

Hannah shot him an impish smile before laughing. Had her laughter always had such a pretty ring to it? Mikkel couldn’t remember having ever heard such a pretty laugh before. The thought of it made him feel warm, but he didn’t want to dwell as to why it had such an effect on him.

“Do I have something on me?” she asked once her laugh had faded. “You keep looking at me.”

Ears burning, Mikkel shook his head. “I just…” Desperate to ease his own awkwardness, Mikkel searched through his bag for his other sketchbook. “Anyway, there’s something I want to show you.” He flipped through the pages and handed her the sketchbook. “You never told me if you wanted the dove to look like the photo or if I could do whatever I wanted, so I played around with the idea.”

“Michael…” Hannah began, shifting closer to him. She lightly traced the sketches and drafts with her fingers. “These are really pretty.”

Mikkel mentally patted his shoulder. “I got some help. I looked through some encyclopedias in the library and I had Charlotte help me.” Hannah raised an eyebrow at the mention of Charlotte. Feeling like he needed to clarify, Mikkel said, “She has a thing for birds.”

Reluctantly, Hannah handed him the sketchbook. “You’ve gotten really good. I guess you don’t need my photos anymore.”

“That’s not true,” Mikkel said without hesitation. “I would’ve never learned or thought about doves if it hadn’t been for you.” Blushing, he wrung his hands. “Besides, I… well, I missed this.”

“Missed me giving you compliments?” she teased with a lopsided smile.

“No, I missed talking to you.”

Hannah’s face turned pink and she tucked a loose hair strand behind her ear. “Do you ever draw people?”

Well, he had… it just wasn’t working like he wanted them too. Instead of replying, he shrugged.

“What about painting them?”

“I’m not good at it,” he stammered.

“But you’re getting better.” She pressed her lips together and looked up as though deep in thought. “What if you take pictures of them?”

Mikkel thought about it but then shook his head. “It’d be too weird.”

“Then what about painting me?” she asked quietly.

Scratching the back of his head, he mumbled, “I don’t know…” But he did. If he really knew how to, he would tell her yes, but considering how poorly he’d been at self-portraits, he wouldn’t want to insult Hannah with a terrible rendition of her.

An awkward silence settled between them and Mikkel peeked at his watch. He had to leave, or he would miss the movie. He didn’t want to leave Hannah behind though. “I have to go.”

Hannah furrowed her brows. “So soon? Don’t you want to stay with me? I was thinking of staying here all day.”

“Regina, Charlotte, and Peter will be waiting for me. I don’t want to keep them waiting.”

“Of course,” she muttered under her breath. She hugged her knees once again. “Have fun then.”

Mikkel looked at the cloudy sky and then at Hannah. It was supposed to rain a lot later in the day. He stood up and extended his hand. “Why don’t you come with me to the movie theater? Regina said I could bring a friend. You’ll have fun and that way you’re not attacked by the rain.”

She lifted her hand, as though she was about to take his offer. A second later though, Hannah brought her hand down and hugged her knees even tighter. She looked regretful. “I can’t, Michael. My friends…”

Dejected, Mikkel dropped his hand. A little harsher than he meant to, he said, “If they were really your friends, Hannah, they wouldn’t care about who you hung out with.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Hannah accused in a sour tone. Her eyes flashed with anger. “Our situations are completely different.”

“Charlotte is friends with Katharina and with Regina. Neither one has stopped being friends with her because of that. Why can’t it be the same for you? If I’m honest, I don’t think Katharina even remembers what happened the day I defended Regina.”

Fuming, Hannah stood up. “Let me ask you something then, Michael,” she snapped, lifting her chin, and attempting to be as intimidating as Katharina. “Can you honestly tell me that Regina wouldn’t have any problem whatsoever with me showing up to watch the movie with you?”

He knew she had a point. “Maybe at first, but not forever. I don’t think she’d mind.”

As though he had confirmed her suspicions, Hannah scoffed. “That’s why I tell you that you wouldn’t understand.” She narrowed her eyes. “Is Aleksander going?”

Mikkel frowned. “I don’t think so. Why?”

“I’d be careful around him if I were you.” 

“Why?”

“Just be careful.” She sat on the log, her back facing him. “Have fun then.”

He sighed. “Thanks. See you around.” He walked a few steps before he stopped completely. He really didn’t want to leave things on such a sour note, not when they’d finally spoken after so long. He turned around and stood next to her.

“Weren’t you leaving?” Hannah asked.

“I didn’t want to leave like that. I know it’s not much, but here’s my peace offering.” He got his sketchbook and gently tore off three pages. He handed them over to her. “I know you aren’t having a good day, but I know that you like doves.”

Once she touched the papers and flipped through them, the anger vanished and her expression softened. “For me? I can keep them?”

Mikkel nodded. He then got his yellow raincoat and laid it down next to her.

She furrowed her brows. “Why are you giving me your raincoat?”

“It’s supposed to rain a lot later on.”

“Don’t you need this for after the movie?”

“I think the rain would’ve stopped by then,” he explained. “You don’t have an umbrella or a raincoat with you, and you said you were going to stay for longer. I don’t think the rain’s still acidic, but this should keep you safe. It’s worked on me so far.” He’d used the raincoat several times, but most times he preferred not to. Not only did it still make him feel slightly creeped out, but it also felt odd to be the only person in Winden with a yellow raincoat. He was sure Hannah would appreciate it more than he ever did.

Hannah brought the raincoat closer to her. She cast him a look that Mikkel couldn’t quite decipher, but it made his chest tightened in a bittersweet way.

“Well, then,” Mikkel said. “I must go. Take care, Hannah.”

“Michael?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

* * *

“That was really funny,” Peter said as the four of them exited the movie theater.

Charlotte chuckled. “It was, in a dumb way.”

“It was so bad it was actually funny,” Regina agreed, her face still red from laughing. “You chose well, Peter.”

“We should do this again,” Peter suggested. He turned towards Mikkel. “What did you think, Michael?”

“It was fun,” Mikkel said, trying to convince them as much as he was trying to convince himself of such. As much as he had wanted to pay attention to the movie, his mind kept going back to what had happened earlier at the lake. “Thank you for inviting me.”

Regina smiled. “It was no problem.”

“It’s getting late and it looks like it’s about to start raining again,” Peter remarked. “We’ll see each other on Monday then. Come Charlotte, I’ll walk you home.” Charlotte grinned and together with Peter bid Regina and Mikkel goodbye.

Mikkel smiled lopsidedly. Even as Peter and Charlotte faded away and disappeared, Mikkel could see how energetically Peter was talking to Charlotte.

“I hope you do join us on Monday,” Regina said, avoiding the puddles as she walked right alongside him. “This was fun.”

Because he hadn’t decided on where he was going on Halloween night, rather than comment, Mikkel asked, “Is Aleksander picking you up?” Regina nodded. Mikkel took off his bicycle’s lock. “Do you know when?”

“He should be here soon,” she replied. “Things are still a little hectic at the power plant.”

“Then I’ll stay with you until he arrives.”

“You don’t have to. I’d feel bad if it got too dark for you to go home and something happened.”

He let go of his bicycle. “It’s okay, Regina. I’ll wait with you.”

Everything was going fine until, after about fifteen minutes, Regina suddenly became tense. Mikkel, who figured that the abrupt change had nothing to do with their conversation, followed her line of sight until he found the source. It was Ulrich and Katharina, who were also leaving the movie theater. It felt weird to see Katharina and Ulrich look so carefree, so normal, so unlike the angry teenagers he’d grown used to, and so much closer to the image Mikkel had of his parents.

Ever since Katharina and a chunk of her friends had graduated, Regina seemed a little more at ease at school. From what Mikkel had noticed, people didn’t bully Regina as much as they just ignored her. A part of him had thought that Ulrich, Hannah, and their few remaining friends would bother Regina and other students, but they now mostly kept to themselves. Whether it was because they had different priorities, were maturing, or because they had felt bad over what they’d done before, Mikkel didn’t know. He just knew and understood that despite Regina’s kind heart, a part of her would always see them in a negative light for everything they’d ever said and done to her. He wondered if Ines’s words of letting go of the past would be well-received by Regina.

As though she finally felt them staring at her, Katharina stopped talking to Ulrich. Even though she eyed Regina a little maliciously, Mikkel didn’t think that Katharina would do anything to Regina. What surprised him though was when, instead of joining Katharina to glare at Regina, Ulrich directed his gaze onto Mikkel. Mikkel became self-conscious as he saw that Ulrich seemed to want to approach him.

What did he do now?

Ulrich barely walked a step before he was pulled back by Katharina, who looked mildly uncomfortable. They laced their fingers together.

“Aleksander’s here,” Regina said, clearly both relieved and happy, as Aleksander came out of his car. Regina met Aleksander halfway and they shared a brief kiss.

Mikkel quickly turned around to see Ulrich and Katharina. Their carefree air was completely gone, and they’d gone as tense as Regina had been earlier. 

Why were they so scared of Aleksander?

He remembered Hannah’s words. _I’d be careful around him if I were you._ What had happened? And then Mikkel vaguely remembered something Hannah had told him last year, something about him not knowing why Katharina and Ulrich did what they did towards Regina. In a way, he felt tempted to find out the truth, just to clear his parents’ names. At the same time though, he didn’t want to know the truth, in fear that his idea of Ulrich, Katharina, Regina, and Aleksander would change and not for the better.

“Hello, Michael,” Aleksander said.

“Hello, Aleksander. Hope you’re doing well,” Mikkel said, keeping his eye on Katharina and Ulrich as they disappeared into the night.

“Let us give you a ride home,” Regina insisted.

“I can ride my bike, but thank you for the offer.”

Regina turned to Aleksander and explained, “Michael stayed with me because he didn’t want anything to happen. Let’s take him to his house; it’s getting dark and it isn’t safe.”

Aleksander nodded and offered Mikkel a smile. “I appreciate what you did, Michael. It was considerate of you. As a thank you, let us drive you home. It might start raining soon again and Regina’s right, it’s not safe.” He then eyed the bicycle and suggested, “We’ll put it in the trunk.”

Mikkel’s eyes shifted from his bicycle to the car, and then towards the direction where Ulrich and Katharina had gone. He had been slightly hoping to follow them and have the courage to talk to them. “I don’t want to get it dirty.”

“Nonsense. Come.” Aleksander opened the car’s trunk.

Once all three put the bicycle inside the trunk and sat in the car, Mikkel gave Aleksander the directions.

Most of the car ride consisted of Regina telling Aleksander about the movie and how much they all enjoyed it. Mikkel noted that although Aleksander didn’t talk much, whenever he did speak, his words seemed far more impactful, even if he was just talking about a movie.

By the time they got to Mikkel’s house, it’d begun to rain again. “Stay here,” Aleksander told Regina. “I’ll get the bicycle out. I don’t want you to get sick.” Aleksander and Mikkel exited the car.

“Michael,” Aleksander began as he lifted the bicycle. Mikkel looked at Aleksander and wondered if he had done something wrong. “If they ever bother you, let me know.”

Mikkel frowned. “Who?”

“Ulrich and Katharina,” Aleksander replied, closing the trunk.

Mikkel offered Aleksander a nod, but mentally told himself that he wouldn’t tell Aleksander if Ulrich and Katharina ever did anything. Aleksander—or anyone for that matter—wouldn’t understand what those two meant to Mikkel.

Ready to go back inside, Mikkel turned around, gestured his bicycle, and said, “Thank you for bringing me here. I really appreciate it.”

“It was no problem,” Aleksander assured him. “We were glad to help.”

“Please tell Ines I say hello,” Regina said.

“I will.” Mikkel waved them goodbye. “Take care.”

* * *

_October 31st 1988_

Grabbing her purse and heading towards the door, Ines said, “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the movie theater? I could take you if you want. It really is no problem.”

“I’m sure,” Mikkel confirmed, still quite unsure of his plans for the night.

“If you say so.” Ines placed a hand on Mikkel’s cheek and studied his face. She half-smiled and pushed some loose hair strands away from his forehead. “Remember there’s some leftover from yesterday in the refrigerator. Don’t feel pressured to eat it though. If you want something else for dinner you could.” She opened the door. “Before I forget, I prepared some hot cocoa for you. Just warm it up before you go to sleep. Stay safe.”

“I know. You too.” Once he closed the door, Mikkel let out a long sigh.

What was he going to do? Was he really staying here, or was he going to meet his classmates on their little adventure to the caves?

“I’ll stay… I have to,” he told himself as he went up the stairs and into his room. “I can’t go there. I’m not ready.”

But should he go? What about the map? What if his mother was there?

“I’m not going,” he muttered under his breath, clutching his paintbrush and watercolors. “I’m staying right here.”

But what if his mother wasn’t there? What if there truly was something evil and wrong inside the caves? What if something happened to his classmates?

* * *

At around eight, after much debating, Mikkel grabbed a flashlight and hopped on his bicycle.

All throughout the ride, Mikkel’s stomach kept twisting and turning as anxious thoughts filled his mind. Going to the caves was a terrible idea, and rightfully so—no good came from that place. He should just turn around and lock himself in his room. Despite all his worries though, his gut told him that something was going to happen tonight; he needed to be there, whether he liked it or not.

When he arrived at the bridge, there were no signs of anyone else other than himself. Wondering if perhaps anyone was under the bridge, Mikkel headed towards the train tracks only to find himself all alone. A chill ran over him. It was only then that Mikkel remembered that he never found out the time that they were supposed to meet.

 _Smart, Mikkel,_ very _smart_ , he thought with a scoff, putting his hands inside his pockets once they began to tremble. _This was such a bad idea. Maybe I should go back to the house._

Or he could wait ten minutes and see if anyone was coming.

As the minutes went by and no one showed up, Mikkel slowly grew more anxious. He turned on his flashlight and studied his surroundings. The chill from earlier got worse.

Just as he was about to leave, he heard some twigs snap and he jumped. With a tight grip on his flashlight, he turned around.

“Hello,” Hannah said, walking towards him, a flashlight in her hands. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Hello,” Mikkel said breathlessly, his heart still racing. “What are you doing here so late?”

She cast him a look as though to ask him the same question.

“Do you feel better?” he asked moments later, getting closer to her.

She looked around them before nodding and shuffling her feet.

Mikkel frowned. “Is something wrong?”

“Michael, the thing is—"

The sound of footsteps and voices headed their way and Hannah stopped talking. She crossed her arms and kept a considerable distance between them. The sounds got closer and Mikkel flashed his light.

It was a handful of Mikkel’s peers.

“Michael, you’re here,” Fred said, flashing his light on Mikkel. He then raised his eyebrows. “Hannah? What are you doing here?”

Mikkel frowned. How did they know each other?

Hannah put her hands inside her pockets and looked unamused. “The same reason as you, Freddy.”

“How come she can call you Freddy?” Mikkel heard Mia complain.

Fred sighed exasperatedly. “That’s because—"

Along came the sound of even more footsteps. A bright light shone on all of them, momentarily blinding them all. Squinting, Mikkel saw Fred’s little brother, Matthias, who clearly wasn’t looking all that well. The bright light’s owner finally turned off the flashlight and Mikkel knew then who he was.

It was the guy who Mikkel assumed was Hannah’s boyfriend.

Fred’s infamous older brother.

“What are you doing here?” Fred snapped, pointing at his brothers. “You’re supposed to be home. Mama said so herself.”

With a wicked grin, Fred’s older brother declared, “She said I had to keep an eye on him, not that I had to stay at home.”

Fred’s grip on his flashlight tightened. “Otto, this is serious.”

“Why don’t you take him home then?” Otto challenged.

“I can take care of myself,” Matthias grumbled, his voice a little hoarse. “I’m not a baby.”

“Only a baby says that,” Fred and Otto said at the same time.

Suddenly, Mikkel knew why he hadn’t wanted to come here. He looked at the small group, the woods, the abandoned train tracks.

“I think I’m having déjà vu,” Mikkel muttered faintly to himself. He really shouldn’t have come here. His stomach twisted even more, and he found it hard to breathe. To stop the wave of nausea, he balled his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms.

He really should’ve stayed in his room, either painting or watching television.

Otto flashed his light at Mikkel. “Hey, aren’t you the kid that the madman kidnapped? I lost—”

“Otto,” Hannah hissed, slapping him on the arm.

Finally noticing her, Otto narrowed his eyes. “Hannah, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you with the others at the lake?”

She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “Why do you think?”

Otto sighed before he broke into a grin. He draped an arm around Hannah’s neck and turned to address everyone. “Okay, everyone, listen up. Freddy Krueger told me the plan and now there’s been a change. I’ll go to the caves with you. Depending on how things go and what we find, we might go to the party at the lake later tonight.” There were a few murmurs, but there was no one sensible enough to say anything against the adventure. Otto began walking, pulling Hannah towards him. “This will be fun.”

* * *

It was frightening how eerily similar everything felt.

Just like back then, Mikkel and the group also walked from the abandoned train tracks through the forest. Just as Magnus, Martha, Jonas, and Bartosz had done almost a lifetime ago, Mikkel heard his classmates bickering, joking, asking questions, making comments, and even making a few theories. Unlike back then though, Mikkel didn’t speak throughout the entire walk. He was so out of it that he almost swore the whole thing was a dream—a very realistic and surreal dream.

They passed by the nuclear power plant and Mikkel, who was walking slower than everyone else, stopped.

Maybe the whole thing wasn’t a dream. Maybe what had happened back then had been the dream.

Mikkel took a shaky breath in.

Or perhaps this was the dream within a dream.

“Michael? Come, we’re almost there,” someone yelled.

Unable to stop his feet, Mikkel continued with shaky steps. He kept his eyes on the dark forest floor the whole time.

When everyone slowed down, Mikkel knew they’d reached what he believed to be the most damned place in all of Winden.

The caves.

“So, how are we doing this?” Mikkel heard someone on the other side ask. “Did anyone bring a map?”

“I did,” Fred boasted, waving the map so that everyone could see. “Got it from the library.” He fixed his backpack and stood in front of the caves’ entrance.

Otto snatched the map and snickered. “Cute, but we don’t need it.”

“What do you mean ‘we don’t need it’?” Mikkel finally spoke up. “We could get lost…”

Everyone stared at him, but no one said anything.

“I know my way around most of the caves,” Otto said with sheer confidence. He folded the map and placed it in his pocket. “We’ll be fine. No one will get lost or be kidnapped.” Hannah scowled at him and Otto raised his hands. “What? It’s true.”

“Can we go home?” Matthias begged, his voice wavering. He pulled on his sleeves. “I don’t feel well.”

Fred and Otto exchanged glances and quietly argued with each other. Once they agreed on something, Otto simply said, “Then just stay out here.” Matthias crossed his arms.

Everyone except Matthias and Mikkel walked closer towards the darkness.

“You’re staying, Michael?” Fred asked.

Mikkel nodded gravely. “I still think you shouldn’t go in. It’s a crazy and risky plan.” His eyes landed on Matthias and was reminded of himself back that November night. In the case that something did happen, could Mikkel really let what happened to him happen to someone else? “Besides, someone has to stay with your brother. Who knows what could happen…”

Whether he understood Mikkel’s words, Mikkel didn’t know, but something had changed in Fred’s expression as his eyes shifted from Mikkel to Matthias. “We’ll see you later then.” He and the others disappeared from their sight.

“I’m not scared,” Matthias declared seconds later. As though he wanted to convince Mikkel that he wasn’t lying, he turned on his flashlight and stared at the entrance.

Mikkel half-smiled. “I didn’t say you were.”

Matthias stepped closer to the entrance. “Aren’t you coming?”

Mikkel was going to say no, but Matthias kept staring at him with pleading eyes to join him. Furrowing his brows, Mikkel sighed and offered him his hand. “It’s okay. I’ll be next to you.”

And in they went.

* * *

This time there were no twigs snapping, no flashing lights, and no monstruous sounds coming from the caves. It should’ve made Mikkel feel better, less tense even, but it didn’t.

The caves were darker, colder, and louder than he remembered them to be. No matter which area Mikkel pointed the flashlight at, the darkness seemed to overpower everything, making it impossible to know where they were heading. Despite the layers of clothing that were meant to provide him warmth, the chill from earlier had come back with a vengeance. He felt so cold that he’d begun to shake again.

Mikkel peeked over his shoulder—he could barely see the caves’ entrance anymore.

This was a terrible idea.

“Michael?” Mikkel barely heard Matthias’s voice through the sound of his own heartbeat thudding so loudly against his ears. He then felt something wet land on his shoulder. Just like when he was eleven, Mikkel froze and he stopped breathing. He felt another drop fall on him and he flashed his light upwards. He sighed in relief—it was just the caves’ drippings.

“We’re fine,” Mikkel said, barely believing it himself. “We’ll find the others soon.”

Mikkel was about to call out to the others when his heart plummeted to his stomach. He tightened his grip on Matthias’s hand.

“What was that?” Matthias dared to ask in a voice a little higher than a whisper.

Then they heard it again.

For some godforsaken reason, there were screams coming from somewhere in the caves and the sound was heading towards them.

Without saying a word, Mikkel pulled Matthias along with him as he desperately ran away from the voices approaching them. He ran until they were out of the caves and into the woods. He ran until there was a considerable distance between them and the damned place.

Seconds after, the entire group exited the caves. Through his own panic, Mikkel saw pale and scared faces, and heard gasps and coughs. His panic diminished and his blood boiled when he heard someone laugh.

“You should have seen your faces!” Otto guffawed. Next to him were two teenagers that hadn’t been with them on their journey. Mikkel rightfully assumed they were Otto’s friends as the three shared a high-five.

“It was hilarious!” one friend wheezed, shaking his head. “We got them good.”

Fred threw his flashlight on the ground and glared at his brother. “You asshole!” He looked like he was ready to pounce him. “You ruined everything!”

Mikkel was done—he was going back to his house, into his room, and forget this night ever happened.

“I’m going home,” Fred said, bringing Matthias close to him. “Wait till Mama hears about this.”

“Whatever,” Otto scoffed as he started to walk away. “Anyone who wants can come with us to the lake.” The group divided and some joined Otto, but something was off.

That’s when Mikkel noticed that someone was missing. “Where’s Hannah?”

Otto stopped and turned around. “She was right behind me.”

They all looked at each other but there was no sign of Hannah.

Oh no.

“You left her behind?” Mikkel accused through clenched teeth. “Are you insane?”

Otto scowled. “I didn’t leave her behind. She’s probably taking her sweet old time leaving the caves. Or for all we know she already left and is on her way to the lake. She’s fine.”

Mikkel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “But what if she isn’t? What if she got lost? What if she got hurt? Or worse?” Taking a deep breath in, Mikkel said, “We need to go back and look for her.”

Otto’s posture changed and Mikkel swore he saw some panic flicker through his face. Otto eyed the caves and then back at the group. “Look, even if she were inside, the best thing would be to first wait and then get help.”

Mikkel knew he was right; they couldn’t just do things without a plan. But Mikkel also knew that the more they waited the worse things could get. “A lot could happen between now and then.” Maybe in cases like these, one couldn’t rely on a plan; maybe instinct was all that was needed. With heavy footsteps, he walked towards the cave.

“Where are you going?”

“To find her,” Mikkel said with no hesitation.

Otto placed a hand on his shoulder. His tone was serious. “If you go in and something happens to you then it’d be worse. It’ll be better if we—”

Despite the heavy pit in his stomach, Mikkel shoved his hand away. Standing face to face with the all-consuming darkness, Mikkel took a deep breath in and yelled, “Hannah?”

When he got no response, Mikkel squared up and disappeared into the darkness.


	18. It’s better to have something than to have nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her blood went cold and there was a pit in her stomach.
> 
> Suddenly, being inside the caves at night didn’t seem like such a good idea.
> 
> Where was she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to The Terror of My Ways (sealandreich), justahappylittletree, Tricia_Guima, ultima88, sunvaulve, CaLeTaTa, and her_black_tights for your comments :) also a big thank you to everyone who reads this fic :)
> 
> Question: If Mikkel is "butterfly boy" and Jonas is "the boy in the yellow raincoat", what would Hannah and Ines be? I've been trying to figure that one out for a while now but can't seem to think of anything. Any ideas?  
> About this chapter:   
> 1) Some dialogue from last chapter appears in this chapter.  
> 2) I'm not fond of the ending, but I didn't know how else to end it. I might come back and change it.
> 
> Hope you enjoy the reading :) take care!

_July 23rd 1988_

It was a party like all the others Hannah had ever attended; and yet, this was the first party she’d ever felt so dreadful. While everyone else was having the time of their lives, all Hannah could do was think about how her time was running out.

“I still can’t believe we’re done with school,” Ingrid declared, a wide grin tugging her lips.

“You’re so lucky,” Heidi grumbled, crossing her arms and half-stomping her feet. “Urgh, I still have to deal with Mr. Ritter for another entire year.” Ingrid patted Heidi’s back before bursting into laughter.

Leaning against the wall, Katharina said, “Don’t worry, Heidi. Just one more year and you’ll be free too. You can leave Winden and live your life.” Katharina shifted her eyes from their little group onto somewhere else in the room. Hannah didn’t need to follow her gaze to know that Katharina was looking at Ulrich.

Hannah lowered her eyes and thought about the night when she found out that Ulrich wanted to run away with Katharina. Even though Hannah had managed to dissuade Ulrich from running away, she knew that the desire to leave Winden hadn’t left him at all. If anything, it was obvious that it’d grown stronger.

Even though neither Katharina nor Ulrich had shared with Hannah their plans for their future, Hannah didn’t need to be a genius to know that it involved living together. She wondered if Katharina was just waiting for Ulrich to finish school so that they could leave their families, their friends, Winden, and Hannah behind. Hannah’s chest tightened at the mere thought of being left behind and forgotten forever.

Did she only have one year left before everyone moved on with their lives and forgot about her?

“What about you, Hannah?” Katharina asked, interrupting Hannah’s thoughts on her impending dull future.

Hannah blinked. “What about me what?” She hoped her friends would tell her what was going on, but the only ones left from the group were her and Katharina. From where she was standing, Hannah could see that they all had gone off to other areas of the house. When had that happened? Had Hannah really been that out of it that she hadn’t registered when her friends had left the circle?

Katharina studied Hannah’s face. “What are your plans for the future? You barely spoke.”

Avoiding Katharina’s eyes, Hannah looked at everyone present at the party. A small number of the partygoers were friends who had graduated the previous school year. They used to be more, but as the year had progressed, less and less of their older friends had joined their get-togethers, parties, and gatherings. Hannah figured it was only natural—most of them had begun to work or had decided to continue their education. It seemed to Hannah that the happiness and freedom that recently graduated students were high from didn’t last long. She suspected it only lasted a few weeks before people were forced to sober up and come back to reality.

How much longer would it be before the cycle repeated itself? Before everyone who had just graduated did that same thing as those before them? Before the next round of soon-to-be graduates did the same? Before Hannah was the last one standing?

With her lips pressed together, Hannah glanced at Katharina and shrugged.

“You still have time until then,” Katharina reassured her. Hannah couldn’t tell whether Katharina’s voice sounded reassuring or envious.

But did Hannah have time? Wasn’t this party proof that her future was already happening? That she had no way to stop it?

Just then, Ulrich joined their conversation. He laced his fingers with Katharina’s and smirked. “Hey, girls. What are you up to?”

“Just talking about the future,” Katharina answered.

Ulrich raised his eyebrows in amusement. “The future? The future of music, movies, videogames, or of Winden?”

Katharina rolled her eyes goodheartedly as she pulled Ulrich closer to her. “Our plans for the future.”

Hannah bit the inside of her cheeks so that she could concentrate on something else.

Desperate to change the subject, Hannah eyed the food table. The tray she’d brought to share was still there. “Do you want some tiramisu?”

Ulrich shrugged. “Sure.”

“I’ll be back,” Hannah mumbled, fleeing like she’d never done before.

She headed towards the table and placed small tiramisu slices onto two plates. Taking a deep breath in, Hannah turned around to make her way back to Ulrich and Katharina. She barely walked three steps before she came to a halt. She hadn’t been gone for _that_ long and it was clear that Ulrich and Katharina had already forgotten about her. As usual, they looked so deeply in love with each other, and they were currently oblivious to everything that wasn’t them. Ulrich had one hand on Katharina’s waist and the other on her neck. Katharina had her hands on his cheeks, bringing him closer and closer until their lips touched. Ulrich smiled and he deepened the kiss.

Despite her chest tightening so much that it hurt, Hannah was unable to look away.

What would it be like to kiss Ulrich? Or rather, what would it be like to kiss anyone? Would it be as addicting as everyone made kissing seem? Did kisses automatically make people want to consume one another?

Like many times before, Hannah wondered if she would ever experience something like the obvious love Ulrich and Katharina had for each other. She wondered if there would ever be someone who would look, kiss, and love her the same way Ulrich so obviously did with Katharina. She wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship, to be on the receiving end of such affection, to know that she wasn’t alone, that there was someone who wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with him.

Was that in the cards for her? Was there someone out there just for her? Someone who could potentially be better than Ulrich? Someone she would be able to show off to everyone who might’ve doubted Hannah could ever find love?

 _Only in my dreams_ , Hannah thought bitterly as she clenched her jaw. She then saw Ulrich pulling away from Katharina and whispering something in her ear. Whatever it was, Katharina nodded and Ulrich grinned. Soon after that, they walked away and disappeared to some other part of the house.

Struggling to breathe, Hannah forgot about the tiramisu and she headed towards the other side of the living room. She folded her arms and observed her surroundings.

She thought about joining some of the various circles that had formed all throughout the house, but she couldn’t bring herself to do so. Unlike her friends, Hannah didn’t want to talk—let alone think—about the future. She already knew what her future looked like, and she didn’t want to be part of it.

So, what could she talk about?

 _What was Michael talking about the other day? Oh right, Pluto_ , Hannah thought, her stomach fluttering at the memory. Could she really go up to a random person and start talking about whether Pluto was a planet or not? It was obviously a planet. Then what about if she spoke about the apocalypse?

_No, that’s a thing between me and Ulrich._

Then what?

With some mild disappointment, Hannah realized that she had nothing to talk about with anyone. Staring at her feet, Hannah wished for Michael to show up uninvited just so that she could have someone to talk to. He always had something interesting, albeit slightly confusing, thing to say. Heck, if he were to show up and he didn’t want to talk, then he didn’t have to; Hannah was fine with him just standing next to her. She liked the idea of them two joined together against the rest of Winden.

Too bad she couldn’t will him to be here with the power of her mind.

Bummer.

Knowing that she was sticking out like a sore thumb, and feeling utterly suffocated, miserable, and alone, Hannah slid away from the crowd and went to the backyard. The moment she stepped outside, she let out a dejected sigh and checked her watch. It was still too early to leave.

Having nothing else to do, Hannah sat on a chair and closed her eyes. What was Michael doing now? Had he already begun the dove painting? Should she have given Michael another photograph? Did he even like doves?

The backyard door suddenly swung open. Hannah peeked over her shoulder to glance at whoever decided to disturb her short-lived peace. She curled her lips in annoyance—it was none other than Otto.

Not even bothering with greeting him, Hannah kept her attention on her watch. Why couldn’t time move faster? Was it bad that as much as she didn’t want the future to come, she wanted time to move quicker so that she could leave the party? She wanted tomorrow to come just so she could be at the little nook by the lake and see Michael.

Hannah heard Otto’s footsteps getting closer. Just as she was about to pray that he wouldn’t sit next to her, she felt him plop down on the chair right next to hers.

 _Well, great_ , she thought, mentally rolling her eyes. _He’s going to start bothering me again. As if an entire school year wasn’t enough._

She was determined to ignore him until something cold was pressed against her arm. It was a beer bottle. Frowning, Hannah turned to face Otto and was surprised to find him staring at her.

“Want some?” he asked, slightly lifting the bottle to offer her some.

Hannah pressed her lips together. On one hand, she was mildly surprised by his offer. After spending so much time alone, it felt nice to be taken into consideration. On the other hand, she wasn’t particularly interested in sharing a drink with Otto and much less from the same bottle. “Don’t you have another one?”

“Just this bottle.”

Hannah narrowed her eyes in suspicion—for all she knew he was about to prank her.

“I promise there’s nothing funny on it,” Otto said casually. He took a sip to prove his point. “I wouldn’t use beer to prank someone. It’d be a waste of alcohol.”

“I’ll pass. I don’t feel comfortable knowing I’m stealing your drink.” She looked at her watch, already imagining that she was somewhere else.

“Relax, we’ll share,” he chuckled, casting her a look.

Hesitating, Hannah grabbed the bottle and studied it. Even if there was nothing funny with it, wouldn’t drinking from this bottle count as a kiss? She hoped not. Trying not to think too much about it, Hannah gulped down a sip. She regretted it—it tasted awful. Lips twisted with disgust, she handed him the bottle and wiped her mouth. “It’s…”

“It tastes like shit,” Otto remarked before drinking from the bottle once again. “You should see your face; it’s hilarious.” When Hannah narrowed her eyes and was thinking of walking back inside, Otto said, “This godawful thing is the only beer available. I’m sure that when I make it big, I’ll only be tasting the best alcohol out there.” Half-smiling, he handed it to her. “But for now, this will have to do. It’s better to have something than to have nothing, don’t you agree?”

Rather than answer, Hannah took another sip and passed the bottle back to him. “How come you’re not with the others?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Hannah shrugged. “I needed a break.”

“I’ll drink to that.” He kept his eyes on her and shifted a little closer. “It’s boring in there.”

Hannah narrowed her eyes.

As though he’d read her mind, Otto explained, “Everyone keeps talking about how much they want to leave Winden, and what they’ll do once they leave. You would think that at least one of them would have a plan, but absolutely no one has any idea where to go or how to get there. It gets repetitive after a while.” He shook his head and scoffed. “They all think they’re special and original, but they’re just like everyone else.”

She knew he had a point, but she doubted Otto was all that different from everyone else in Winden. She eyed him challengingly. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you have any idea on how to leave Winden?”

He grinned and turned his entire body towards her. “Who do you take me for? Of course I have a plan. I’ll be out of this place by next year.”

She’d heard that one before. Hannah raised an eyebrow, completely unimpressed. “What’s your brilliant plan then?”

“The band is my ticket out,” Otto said with pride, his eyes bright with excitement. “We’ll be out of this place forever. I don’t even think we’ll be touring here.” He offered her more beer, but Hannah declined. “You’ll come see our shows, right?”

“I’ve never heard you play,” she confessed, shifting her eyes from the bottle to his face. Hannah didn’t want to tell him that she knew she wouldn’t like their music. She might’ve liked it if Ulrich was still in the band, but Ulrich had quit about a month into it. He’d claimed that he’d left because of differences in musical tastes, but who knew how much of it was true.

“Then you should stop by,” Otto suggested. “We’re the best Winden’s got.”

A small smile tugged her lips; it felt nice to know that he wanted her to stop by. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

Otto grinned. “Then let me convince you.” And so, their one-sided conversation began.

Otto spoke about the band, their music, their plans, and everything he thought Hannah needed to know while he occasionally shared his beer with her. Even though she wouldn’t admit it, Hannah was mildly impressed with how detailed Otto’s plans were, even if half the time she had no idea what he was talking about. She wasn’t even sure if he knew what he was talking about. Could someone be drunk on just half a bottle of beer? Or was Otto just drunk on his own dreams? All she knew was that he was dead set in leaving Winden.

Feeling a little lightheaded, Hannah checked her watch again. Just a little more and she could leave. She frowned when she felt something pulling the ends of her ponytail.

“Do you have somewhere to go?” Otto asked, switching from pulling to flicking the hair strands.

Hannah wanted to scowl; what did it matter to him where she went? At the same time though, Hannah felt weirdly flattered. She’d never had anyone—much less a guy—give her this much attention. She shifted the chair to create some space between them. It didn’t work well; Otto’s arms were long enough to keep playing with her hair.

Why was he playing with her hair?

“I was beginning to enjoy our time together,” he said as he drank the very last bit of beer. How many indirect kisses had they shared? Did it even matter? An indirect kiss was still a kiss, no? Hannah tried counting them, but it was hard to concentrate with Otto next to her. She repressed the urge to let out a huff.

Since Hannah didn’t answer, Otto stopped playing with her hair but didn’t withdraw his fingers. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

She tensed ever so slightly. Wasn’t this what she had wanted? For him to leave her alone? But hadn’t she wanted company earlier? “Don’t go.”

He smirked and brought his chair closer to hers.

“Why do you keep playing with my hair?” Hannah asked after a while. Hannah didn’t think her hair was all that pretty; it was too flat and it hung like a mop. She placed a hand on her bangs and scowled; they were stuck against her sweaty forehead. She glanced at Otto, and she didn’t know how to feel about him staring at her that way. It was almost as if he… “Do you like me?”

“Why does that surprise you?”

_Huh?_

Did this… did this mean Otto liked her?

Drunk on the idea that there was a guy out there who liked her, Hannah blushed. She gripped the chair to stop herself from standing up and twirling around in happiness. There was hope for her! Now he just had to tell her she was pretty, and Hannah could prove to everyone—especially Ulrich and Katharina—that she was capable of—

 _Wait a minute…_ she thought, narrowing her eyes. _Didn’t Otto have a thing for Katharina?_

Insulted, Otto pulled his hand away. “When the hell did I ever have a thing for Katharina? Who am I? Ulrich?”

Hannah became horrified once she realized that she had voiced her thoughts aloud. Flustered, she stammered, “I thought that’s why Ulrich had punched you… because you had said something about her, and I thought…”

“I had forgotten about that.” Otto shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “I had been talking about you that day. I had said that I didn’t understand why you would be friends with Katharina. I mean, one wrong word and next thing you know she’s punching you like her mother punches her. I wouldn’t be surprised if Katharina did the same thing to her kids in the future.”

“You don’t know Katharina. She would never be like her mother,” Hannah said coolly. She frowned; she wasn’t drunk, right? She’d barely had a few sips. Otto raised his hands at her defensiveness. “I should know, she’s my best friend. Why were you talking about me anyway?”

Instead of answering, Otto sighed, “Come on Hannah, we’ve been flirting with each other forever now. It’s obvious to everyone.”

Her eyes widened and she unfolded her arms.

Flirting? Was he serious? She’d never flirted with Otto. She couldn’t even stand him half the time.

Hannah was about to open her mouth when Otto draped his arm around her shoulders. She furrowed her brows.

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel the same,” he mumbled, inching closer. He was so close that Hannah could smell the alcohol in his breath. Or was it her own? Otto’s eyes shifted from her eyes to her lips.

Was he going to kiss her?

She was pretty sure she’d stopped breathing.

He snickered at her expression. “Don’t tell me you’ve never kissed anyone before?”

Was it obvious?

“Yes, I have,” Hannah lied, blushing like no tomorrow. It wasn’t entirely a lie though; she’d kissed Ulrich in her daydreams numerous times, and she’d kissed a classmate’s cheek back when she was ten.

“Oh, really? Who?”

“None of your business.” She studied his face, her eyes lingering on his lips. Her tone was mocking. “Just because you’re desperate doesn’t mean _I’m_ desperate. You don’t even seem like a good kisser, Otto.”

“Let me change your opinion, then,” he murmured, pressing his parted lips against hers.

Hannah stopped breathing and she squinted her eyes. She swore her heart was up her throat.

He pulled away, smiling smugly. “You have to relax. It’s like kissing a wall.”

Sure she was redder than a tomato, she squeaked, “Are you admitting you’ve kissed a wall before? That’s _so_ uncool.”

Otto dipped in again and Hannah followed his lead. Things were going alright until she felt his tongue trace her lips. Hannah tried to pull away, but Otto brought her closer. It was uncomfortable—the chair’s arm kept digging to her side.

Hannah figured she would’ve enjoyed the kisses if it hadn’t been for how focused she was in imitating Otto’s movements. It was hard to enjoy it though—she wasn’t sure how blatantly obvious it was that she had no idea what she was doing. Maybe it might’ve been a different story if she were kissing Ulrich.

Ulrich…

To make it more enjoyable for her, Hannah pretended that the one she was exchanging kisses with was Ulrich and not Otto. She pretended that it was Ulrich’s lips pressed against hers, making her breathless. She pretended that it was Ulrich’s hand holding the nape of her neck, bringing her closer to him. She pretended that it was Ulrich’s tongue inside her mouth, coaxing her to do the same. It was only then that she began to kiss Otto with enthusiasm; it was a dream come true.

Otto pulled away and he murmured something.

“What?” she asked breathlessly, opening her eyes.

“Did I change your mind? Am I a good kisser or not?”

The spell was broken. “I… I’m going inside.”

Stumbling a little, Hannah went back inside. She spotted a handful of her friends and walked towards them.

“Hannah,” Katharina began, scooping some tiramisu, “where were you? You disappeared. This tiramisu is delicious.” She eyed Hannah curiously. “Well, you look happy.”

Hannah tried acting cool by lifting her chin, but she couldn’t stop smiling. “I was with Otto.”

Katharina scrunched her face and put her spoon down. “ _Otto_? Why were you with Otto?”

Hannah didn’t like Katharina’s tone. There was no way she was going to let Katharina ruin perhaps one of the happiest moments of Hannah’s uneventful and insignificant life. Crossing her arms, Hannah leaned against the wall and challenged, “Why do you think?”

Her friends exchanged glances; they were a mix of surprise, disbelief, and amusement. Ingrid was the one to speak up. “We didn’t know you liked Otto. We thought you had a thing for Ulrich.”

All the confidence Hannah had possessed vanished into thin air. She became pale and her voice was stuck in her throat. “Ulrich?” She glanced at Katharina; her expression was unreadable. Trying to convince her friends as much as she wanted to convince herself, she lifted her chin and snorted, “That’s ridiculous. I’ve always had a thing for Otto. We’ve been flirting around each other for ages. I thought it was obvious.”

“I thought you couldn’t stand him,” Katharina commented, keeping her eyes on Hannah. It made her feel as though Katharina could see right through her act.

What was she going to do?

Do the one thing Michael had criticized her about.

_It’s not like I’m twisting things… I’m just playing with words and events…_

Avoiding her friends’ stares, Hannah’s eyes searched Otto’s figure through the crowd. “I mean, I can’t stand it when he’s being stupid, but he’s not bad.” Believing what she was saying, Hannah nodded and offered her friends a challenging look. “He’s handsome and he has an _actual_ plan as how we can leave Winden. That’s what we were doing outside.” And as though they needed any further proof that she wasn’t into Ulrich, Hannah added, “Did I mention he’s a wonderful kisser?” To make sure they didn’t think she was easy or anything, Hannah said, “We’re dating now. I’ll see you later.” She waved them goodbye and headed towards Otto.

What did she just do?

She was _so_ going to regret this if things didn’t turn out like she wanted them to.

As she approached Otto, Ulrich, and their friends, Hannah tried talking herself out of what she was about to do. It was insane.

Standing behind him, Hannah touched his arm. Otto turned around and his friends looked amused.

“Hannah,” Otto cheered, one arm snaking around her shoulders.

Hannah beamed and she wrapped her arms around his torso. Pretending like they were the only two people around, Hannah kept her eyes on Otto as he spoke and joked with his friends. The more she looked at Otto, the more she thought that Otto wasn’t all that different from Ulrich. Sure, Ulrich was by far the more handsome and popular one, but Otto wasn’t all that bad; he was just second best. She supposed she could get used to him. Yes, with the right lighting and with time, she could come to like him more than Ulrich.

At some point, Otto chose to ignore his friends in favor of making out with Hannah. Hannah couldn’t have been happier.

When they pulled apart to catch their breaths, Hannah blurted out, “Let’s hang out tomorrow. Any time you want.”

Otto grinned lazily. “Tomorrow? Sure.” He motioned for her to get on her tiptoes so he could whisper in her ear. Hannah bit her lip once she heard the time. If she wanted to look her best for her date with Otto, she would need time to get ready.

What was she going to do about her time with Michael?

Hannah was going to ask Otto if they could change the time, but when he looked at her with his gray eyes, Hannah forgot about Michael. This was her one chance, and she wasn’t going to mess it up.

The whole thing was like a dream come true.

* * *

_July 24th – October 25th 1988_

The dream had grown old _pretty_ quickly.

Hannah didn’t know what was more exhausting: making everyone believe that she was head over heels for Otto and vice versa; trying to convince herself that she could fall in love with him one day in the near future; or actually spending time with Otto.

Thoughts like those made Hannah wonder if there was something wrong with her and Otto. She couldn’t help it though—being with Otto was absolutely draining. And boring. And annoying.

For starters, Otto never listened to her, and their conversations were always one-sided. A part of her wished her conversations with Otto would be like the ones she’d had with Michael. No matter what they were doing or what Hannah wanted to talk about, Otto always spoke about his family, his music, and how done he was with Winden. Initially, Hannah had paid attention to his every word, but after a while, it just got repetitive. What was worse was that despite Otto’s endless chatter, Hannah had yet to see any of his band practices, meet his family, or know whether she was part of his plans for the future. She didn’t know what that said about his feelings for her, and she wasn’t quite sure she wanted to know.

But the worst thing about being with him was that unless Ulrich left Katharina and Hannah’s father changed his opinion on Ulrich, Hannah was stuck with Otto for the rest of her life. She was already dreading her future all over again.

* * *

_October 26th 1988_

“Morning, Papa,” Hannah greeted cheerfully.

Her father, who was having breakfast, stood up and tightly hugged her. “Happy birthday, Hannah.”

Beaming, Hannah hugged him back. “Thank you.”

“Look at you. It was just yesterday when you used to be this high,” he patted the air next to his hip, “and now you’re almost an adult.” Despite his watery eyes, he smiled mischievously. “Well, you’re still the same height.”

“Papa,” she huffed; it wasn’t her fault she wasn’t tall. Her father chuckled and he kissed the top of her head.

“What are your plans for today?” he asked as he eyed the cupcakes on the kitchen counter.

“I think we’re going to the movies,” Hannah said, spreading marmalade on some toast. “Not sure yet.”

“Do you want me to drop you off anywhere special?”

“It’s still too early. I’m good, thank you.”

He finished his breakfast, did his dish, and headed towards the door. “Have fun today. I’ll try to come home early so we can spend dinnertime together.”

“Drive safe, Papa.”

As soon as she saw his van leave the driveway, Hannah gobbled down the rest of her breakfast and rushed to get changed. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten so excited for her birthday. It must be because today was going to be different.

For her birthday this year, instead of asking for a present, Hannah had asked her father for money. She’d told him that with it, she was going to buy herself a dress and a pair of tights to wear on her birthday. What she _hadn’t_ told him was that she was also going to buy her first lipstick ever.

As she stood in front of the mirror, Hannah slowly and carefully applied the lipstick on her lips. She could barely stop herself from grinning. When she was done, she gently blotted her lips, and then proceeded to admire her work.

She felt pretty.

She hoped Otto thought the same.

* * *

In fear that she might ruin her look by riding her bicycle, Hannah decided it was best to walk to Otto’s house.

Standing at the front door, Hannah fixed her hair, and rang the doorbell.

The door opened and Hannah grinned.

“Hannah? What are you doing here?” Otto asked, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

Thinking he was joking, Hannah laughed softly. “I brought cupcakes.”

“Cupcakes?” Otto eyed the container and made a face. Hannah tried not to be insulted—she knew her food tended to look worse than what it tasted. “Why would—”

A sound came from inside the house.

“Not this shit again,” Otto muttered under his breath. Still standing by the door, Otto yelled, “You better not be doing what I think you’re doing! If something happens, Mama will blame me!”

“I’m not doing anything!” Hannah heard someone shout back.

Otto directed his attention back onto Hannah. “Why would you bring cupcakes?”

Hannah’s smile faltered a little and she looked at the cupcakes. “What do you mean? I thought we could share.”

“I hate sweets.”

“You don’t have to eat them,” Hannah mumbled, quite peeved. “I just thought…”

He gestured his hand for her to finish. “Can you hurry up? I have somewhere I need to be. I’m running late.”

She clenched her jaw. “Where do you need to be?”

“Where do you think? The guys and I need to take advantage of the break.”

“I thought we had plans, Otto. You do remember what day it is today?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Why would we have plans? We saw each other yesterday and the day before that. I have a life besides being with you, you know?”

“It’s my birthday, Otto,” Hannah snapped, tightening her grip on the container.

Otto sighed exasperatedly. “Oh, shit, right, I forgot. Sorry.”

Her blood was boiling but she controlled herself. “We’re supposed to spend it together; we’re dating.”

“How about during the weekend?”

“But—"

“I’m leaving!” he yelled towards the inside of the house. He closed the door, adjusted his jacket, and walked towards his motorcycle.

Hannah opened her mouth to complain but someone exclaimed, “Otto!”

“What do you want, Freddy?” Otto grumbled.

“Where are you going?” Freddy asked. “You’re supposed to stay with us.”

Otto straddled his motorcycle. “You and Matthias are old enough. I can’t be with you all the time. I won’t be here forever.” Freddy opened his mouth to object, but Otto interrupted him. “You better not tell Mama, I swear.”

Freddy crossed his arms. “I won’t if you let my friends go to your party.”

Otto stood up and towered over his brother. “No way. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say, and you say a lot of dumb stuff.”

Freddy tried standing his ground, but he soon faltered under his brother’s glare. “Otto, come on. I promised them that if they came to the caves with me, then they would get to join you and your friends.”

“That sounds like your problem, Freddy Krueger.”

“Stop calling me that,” Freddy muttered.

“I can call you whatever I want.”

And so, Otto and Freddy spent a while bickering. Unsurprisingly, Otto won; Freddy wasn’t happy.

Just as Freddy was about to head back inside, he stopped to look at Hannah.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“Your brother’s girlfriend,” she replied, clearly unamused.

Freddy made a face that Hannah didn’t quite like.

“I’m sure you can do better than him. I should know, I live with him. I can’t believe we’re related. I’m sure Mama found Otto in the dumpster as a baby.” Freddy said the last part loud enough for Otto to hear him.

Otto flipped him off. Freddy returned the gesture and went back inside.

Otto turned on his motorcycle and Hannah rushed to stop him. “Otto, wait for me! I’ll go with you.” She placed her hand on his arm and tried to sit behind him. Otto wouldn’t let her.

“What? No; I can’t have you distracting me.”

“I won’t do anything. I just… well, I’ve never seen you practice.”

“I can’t, Hannah.” He pushed her hand off. “I need to leave.”

“Please,” she pleaded.

“Look,” he began, clearly irritated, “I don’t know if you understand this, but people need space.”

Her voice wavered. “What do you mean?”

“Hannah, you’re suffocating me. It’s like you don’t have a life of your own. Don’t get me wrong, everything was fun at first, but this is getting old and boring.”

“What?” The cupcake container slipped from her hands, but she couldn’t care less.

“What don’t you understand?”

“Are you breaking up with me?” she asked, her voice cracking. She had to push down the lump that had formed on her throat; she couldn’t start crying now.

He patted her shoulder. “You said it, not me.” If he said anything else after that, Hannah wasn’t sure—she was too busy processing what had just happened. And so, he rode away, leaving Hannah behind in the middle of the street with her birthday cupcakes crumbled by her feet.

* * *

_How stupid._

Only Hannah would be so completely and utterly stupid to think that things would be any different just because it was her birthday.

Sitting under her favorite tree, Hannah went to grab some grass to pull and shred apart. She scowled when her hand clutched nothing but soil. Fuming, she threw the soil as far away as possible.

How dare he?

How _dare_ he!

_He’s just as full of it as everyone else in Winden._

The moment Otto had disappeared from Hannah’s sight, she’d begun to plan her revenge against him, and _Boris Niewald_ was going to help her. She’d gone straight to the train tracks to retrieve Boris’s belongings. As she’d stared at the gun and passport though, she’d realized that she couldn’t waste such important blackmail material on someone like Otto, at least not when Ulrich and Katharina could still find out what she’d done.

And so, instead of heading off to blackmail Boris and ruin Otto’s life, Hannah had put Boris’s belongings back into the worn-down wooden box. She’d then gone to sit under her favorite tree to brood and imagine different scenarios about how to make Otto’s life utterly miserable. However, no matter what she thought of, Hannah’s chest kept tightening and she wanted to cry.

For how long had Otto been growing tired of her?

Had she just wasted precious time on someone who clearly had never given a damn about her?

Was she back to being alone for the rest of her life?

“I wish I had a time machine,” she mumbled to herself. If she had a time machine, then she could stop herself from ever kissing Otto. If she hadn’t kissed him or gone to that stupid party, then she would’ve saved herself so much time and energy. She could’ve saved herself from losing things she’d never even had.

All she had now was nothing but shattered dreams.

Swallowing a lump in her throat, Hannah stood up and glanced at her watch. It was still too early to go back home.

_Might as well spend the rest of the day at my and Michael’s spot by the lake._

As she headed towards their spot, Hannah thought about Michael. If she hadn’t deluded herself with Otto, chances were that she would still be meeting Michael. Or maybe he too would’ve grown tired of her; apparently, everyone else did at one point or another. Like Otto, for example.

At the thought of Otto, her eyes stung, and she bit her lip.

He hadn’t even told her what she’d longed to hear. Maybe she’d been the only one to think she looked pretty today with her hair down, her new dress, and lipstick on.

Did the lipstick look _that_ bad on her? Or had she’d applied it so carefully and so faintly that Otto hadn’t noticed? He should’ve been able to though; all he ever did was look at her lips.

 _And apparently think I was suffocating him_ , she thought bitterly as she made a quick stop where she’d kept her tin box. If she was going to spend the day at the lake, she might as well look through the various photographs and items she’d collected throughout the years. It was a shame she no longer had her dove photograph though—she’d given it to Michael the same day of the party.

Did he ever get around to painting the dove? If so, what did it look like? Was he still waiting to show her, or had he grown tired and thrown it away?

_I wish I could’ve seen it._

And just as she got closer to the little nook by the lake, she saw him.

Michael Kahnwald.

Rather than approach him and potentially startle him, Hannah observed him from behind a tree for as long as she could, her mind consumed with thoughts of him. 

Had he come here every day waiting for her? If so, wasn’t that just stupid on his part? Or was he here because it’d been “his” spot before they’d begun to spend time together? How would he react if she just walked up to him and acted as though the last couple of months hadn’t happened? Most importantly, what did Michael think of her now? Part of her was scared to know.

Just then, as she tried to get a better look at him, her foot stepped on some twigs.

_Well, great._

She saw him stiffen, but before he could whip his head around, Hannah hid behind the tree. She heard his footsteps head towards her.

Was she ready to talk to him?

She removed herself from her hiding spot and faced him. She had to crane her neck ever so slightly to look at him in the eyes. He’d grown taller, and his features were a little sharper. His eyes still held the same gentle sadness in them though.

“Hello, Hannah,” he said, and Hannah’s heart pounded loudly against her chest. She’d forgotten how much she liked the way he said her name.

What was she supposed to say? Could she really greet him as though nothing had happened?

Michael _helped_ her with her dilemma by mimicking her voice and playacting a conversation between them.

Hannah pressed her lips in a firm line. She got it; she’d abandoned him, he was upset, and he probably never wanted to speak to her ever again. Well, she wasn’t in the mood to hear his disappointment in her.

Ignoring him, Hannah headed towards the log and sat on it. She didn’t know why she was surprised when she felt Michael follow her. What surprised her even more was when he genuinely sounded concern as he asked her, “What’s wrong?”

 _Otto, my birthday, everything, me…_ she answered in her mind. She took the lipstick holder out of the tin box and examined herself through its small mirror.

She looked terrible. Her hair was a mess, her freckles seemed to have multiplied, and her lipstick was smudged. She really was an idiot for thinking she looked pretty. No wonder Otto hadn’t even bothered with her. She hastily wiped away the lipstick with the back of her hand, and then tied her hair into a ponytail. “How stupid.”

“Hannah? Did something happen?”

Hannah didn’t reply, so he kept talking. The more he spoke the worse Hannah felt about herself. Here was Michael asking her if she was alright and if _he’d_ been the one to do something wrong, when Otto hadn’t spared her a minute before breaking up with her and leaving her behind. Here was Michael telling her that he was here for her when she’d hadn’t even bothered thanking him for helping her the other day. His words were both so aggravating and so—

“I’ll leave you alone then.”

No.

_Don’t leave me._

“Don’t you think a car is a stupid choice for a time machine?” she asked him, turning ever so slightly to gauge his expression, to make sure he wouldn’t leave.

“What…?”

“ _Back to the Future_ is such a stupid movie. But it’d be nice to travel through time.”

He gently placed a hand on her arm; she’d once again forgotten how nice it felt. “Hannah, what’s wrong?”

She was bummed when he withdrew his hand. The little bit of warmth she’d felt was gone—she must’ve imagined it. “I’m just having a bad day, Michael. Only I would think today would be any different, that it would be special. So, do you or do you not think a car is a stupid choice for a time machine?”

And just like that, they started talking again, almost as if nothing had ever happened, as if they hadn’t lost any time at all. They spoke about time travel, and he did magic tricks with a pencil. He never failed to surprise her. It wasn’t until Hannah finally laughed that she realized that she’d missed him more than she’d been willing to admit.

Had Michael missed her as well?

She then felt his eyes on her. “Do I have something on me? You keep looking at me.” Did she still look like a mess?

“I just…” Michael trailed off, his ears and cheeks turning from pink to red. Flustered, Michael showed her his sketchbook. He flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. “You never told me if you wanted the dove to look like the photo or if I could do whatever I wanted, so I played around with the idea.”

“Michael… These are really pretty.” He’d improved a lot in her absence.

“I got some help. I looked through some encyclopedias in the library and I had Charlotte help me. She has a thing for birds.”

She lowered her eyes as she handed him back his sketchbook. “You’ve gotten really good. I guess you don’t need my photos anymore.” _Or me._

It seemed to Hannah that he no longer needed her company. It bothered Hannah to think that now that he had friends, she might be nothing more than just another person to him. It bothered her even more to think that he might’ve never missed her like she had sometimes found herself missing his quiet company these last few months.

“That’s not true,” Mikkel said, interrupting her thoughts. “I would’ve never learned or thought about doves if it hadn’t been for you. Besides, I… well, I missed this.”

“Missed me giving you compliments?”

“No, I missed talking to you.” He sounded so sincere and his words left her feeling warm all over again.

“Do you ever draw people?” Hannah asked, not knowing what else to say, but wanting the conversation to continue.

Everything was going smoothly until Hannah had dared to ask if he would ever do a painting of her. When he struggled to come up with an answer, Hannah knew he would never paint her.

“I have to go,” he told her after a while.

She wanted to tell him that she didn’t want to be alone during her birthday. She wanted to tell him that she’d been having more fun than she’d had in months. Instead, what left her mouth was, “So soon? Don’t you want to stay with me? I was thinking of staying here all day.”

“Regina, Charlotte, and Peter will be waiting for me. I don’t want to keep them waiting.”

Disappointed, she hugged her knees. “Of course. Have fun then.” Why did she think he was going to stay with her? He clearly had a life that didn’t include her.

But Michael wasn’t like Otto, because once he stood up, he offered her his hand. “Why don’t you come with me to the movie theater? Regina said I could bring a friend. You’ll have fun and that way you’re not attacked by the rain.”

She felt tempted to take his offer; truly, she did. She knew it would’ve been fun, but she remembered that Ulrich and Katharina were going to the movies today as well. If Hannah went with Michael and was seen hanging out with Regina, she’d be dead. “I can’t, Michael. My friends…”

Everything went sour from there on.

Michael rubbed it in her face that he was a better friend than she was, and that he had better friends than she did. She retaliated by pointing out that he was just being naïve. She wanted to tell him about all the things he didn’t know about his precious little “will never hurt a fly” Regina, but to do that would mean that she would risk exposing herself. So instead, Hannah approached the situation by asking, “Is Aleksander going?”

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“I’d be careful around him if I were you.” While Hannah didn’t really know anything about him, she had her theories on the guy.

“Why?”

“Just be careful. Have fun then.”

“Thanks. See you around.” He walked away.

She gripped the hem of her dress. She was back to being on her own.

What a _pathetic_ birthday.

She then heard him turn around.

What did he want now?

“Weren’t you leaving?” she asked. Was he going to stay with her after all?

“I didn’t want to leave like that. I know it’s not much, but here’s my peace offering. I know you aren’t having a good day, but I know that you like doves.” He tore off three pages from his sketchbook and gifted them to her.

She held onto the sketches with the utmost care; she knew how much his artwork meant to him. “For me? I can keep them?”

He smiled softly and nodded. He then laid his yellow raincoat next to her.

Hannah looked up at the cloudy sky; it clearly looked like it was going to rain. “Why are you giving me your raincoat?”

“It’s supposed to rain a lot later on,” he said like it was the most obvious thing.

“Don’t you need this for after the movie?”

“I think the rain would’ve stopped by then. You don’t have an umbrella or a raincoat with you, and you said you were going to stay for longer. I don’t think the rain’s still acidic, but this should keep you safe. It’s worked on me so far.”

Hannah pulled the raincoat closer to her, and she half-buried her face against it.

He’d remembered her comment about the rain. Knowing this made her feel more special than she knew she should’ve; after all, there was nothing special about her.

“Well, then, I must go. Take care, Hannah.”

“Michael?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

* * *

Hannah had meant to spend the rest of the day by the lake, but the weather had other plans for her.

As soon as she’d felt the first raindrop fall on her head, Hannah grabbed her things and left to find refuge. She needed to make sure Michael’s drawings stayed dry.

Maybe she could join him at the movie theater. She spent a little too much time debating with herself though, because by the time she made up her mind, she knew she was too late. Katharina and Ulrich had spotted her and were walking towards her, their hands intertwined. 

_Shove it in my face_ , she thought bitterly. _Shove it that Otto has never held my hand._

“Happy birthday, Hannah!” Katharina exclaimed, hugging her. She looked around. “Where’s Otto?”

Hannah offered them a small smile and shrugged.

Katharina’s tone was accusing. “He didn’t spend time with you, did he?”

As much as she was upset with Otto, Hannah was quick to defend him. “We did; he just had band practice.” Technically they had spent some time together, just not the way she’d wanted.

Ulrich scoffed and Katharina whacked the back of his head.

Ulrich rubbed the area. “Ouch, Katharina!”

“You know how much it means to him,” Hannah added quietly. “How was the movie?”

“It was bad,” Katharina chuckled.

Ulrich’s eyebrows shot up. “Katharina! It was a masterpiece!” He turned to Hannah and as animated as Ulrich ever got, he began convincing Hannah that the movie was one of the best. Katharina kept shaking her head goodheartedly.

Hannah envied them. “You had fun.”

“We did,” Katharina confirmed. “Until Tiedemann and her boyfriend showed up.”

Ulrich tightened his hold on Katharina. “It’s okay, Katharina; I won’t let anything happen to us again.” He took out a cigarette. He then lit it and shared it with Katharina. “I don’t know why that kid hangs out with her.”

Hannah’s head shot up.

“Something’s off with him,” Katharina mumbled, taking a drag.

“There’s nothing wrong with him,” Hannah said without thinking. They didn’t even know him.

Ulrich and Katharina exchanged a look.

“I mean, well, he’s weird, but he probably doesn’t know any better.” Hannah bit her lip and pulled on the raincoat sleeves. “Didn’t he come to Winden after you know what?” Except he really hadn’t, but she doubted either one remembered.

The air around them became unbearably tense.

Hannah continued anyway. “He can’t be _that_ bad if Otto’s brother and Charlotte are friends with him.”

They seemed to consider her comment. Rather than add anything else on Michael, Katharina asked, “Do you need a ride home? It looks like it will start raining again soon.”

“I’m good, thank you,” Hannah replied.

Ulrich took one last drag from the cigarette before giving the rest to Katharina. “You sure? I could take you and still come back in time for Katharina. But it has to be now if we want to beat the rain.”

Hannah considered it, but ultimately declined the offer. As much as she would’ve loved to have a ride with Ulrich—not only because it’d always been a dream of hers—, she didn’t want to think about the disaster that would happen if her father saw her with Ulrich.

“I’ll walk.” Hannah waved them goodbye and went home.

* * *

After she got home and spent time with her father, Hannah retired to her room.

Nothing had gone the way she’d wanted, but she would worry about that tomorrow. Right now, she wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her birthday staring at the dove drawings.

She eventually fell asleep, Michael’s gift still in her hands.

* * *

_October 30th 1988_

Hannah hadn’t seen Otto since her birthday, and she pretended that he had never even existed. Whether her friends noticed a change in her or not, she didn’t know, but knowing how things worked in Winden, Hannah wouldn’t be surprised if word got out that she and Otto were ancient history. She pretended she didn’t care.

But pretending could only take her so far when the guy she was so desperately trying to forget even existed was barging into the circle composed of Hannah and her friends.

“Hannah, can I talk to you?” Otto asked.

Hannah cast him an unamused look but stayed quiet.

“Please?”

Hannah briefly looked at her friends, hoping to get some advice. She was perplexed to find Katharina intensely staring at Otto, as though she were engaged in a mental conversation with him.

“Okay,” Hannah told him. Before he could wrap his arm around her shoulders, Hannah walked away towards the other side of the house. She thrummed her fingers against her arms. “What do you want?”

“Look, about the other day…” Otto began as he leaned against the wall. “I didn’t mean for things to go the way they did.”

“It was _my_ birthday, Otto. You ruined _it_. You—”

His nostrils flared. “A lot has been going on at home. My grandfather’s back at the hospital, Mama’s stressed, and everything’s been shitty. There’s a lot I haven’t told you, stuff you don’t understand.” He let out a long sigh. “But that’s not the point. The reason why I didn’t want you to come with me to the practice is because the song’s not ready yet.”

“What song?” she asked, eying him suspiciously.

Otto placed his hands on her waist and pulled her closer. “The one for you.”

“For me?” she breathed, her eyes on his lips. “You wrote a song for me?” When he nodded, Hannah beamed; all the hurt and anger was gone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise. Are we cool?”

Nodding, Hannah wrapped her arms around his neck. He pressed his lips against hers and kissed her passionately.

Their kiss was interrupted by someone shouting, “Hey, Otto!”

Otto pulled away and shouted back, “I’m going!”

“Where are you going?” Hannah asked him, keeping her arms around his neck and aiming for another kiss.

“A few of us are going to the caves tomorrow. We need to finish planning everything.”

Hannah frowned. “Why are you going to the caves?”

“We’re pranking my brother and his friends,” Otto stated with a wicked grin. “It’ll be hilarious.”

“Isn’t it risky? Mads disappeared there.” _Michael_ almost disappeared there too. Was Michael going to join his friends tomorrow to do who knows what at the caves?

“Nothing’s going to happen.” He unwrapped her arms from his neck. “I have to go. We’ll see each other at the lake with everyone else.”

“Can’t I be with you tomorrow at the caves? I can help.”

He shook his head. “The less people the better. If too many of us go, then everything will be ruined. We’ll just see each other tomorrow at the lake.”

Hannah held onto his arm. “Let me go with you now—just to hear your plan. Please? I missed you; I want to be with you.”

“Fine, let’s go,” he relented.

Hannah grinned triumphantly.

* * *

_October 31st 1988_

Hannah had meant to go directly to the lake to meet her friends and wait for Otto, but she kept thinking about Michael. 

What were the chances that Michael would be joining his friends to go to the caves? Should she warn him about what was going to happen tonight? Would he want to go to the lake afterwards? Could Hannah find a way to convince her friends that Michael was cool?

And then she saw a familiar lonely bicycle by the bridge.

It was Michael’s.

Hannah parked her bicycle next to his, got her flashlight, and made her way to the train tracks. She tried being as quiet as possible just in case she’d mistaken his bicycle for someone else’s, and she happened to ruin everything. Luckily for her, it really was Michael. Her heart raced at the sight of him.

Taking a deep breath in, Hannah approached him, the twigs underneath her feet alerting him of her presence. Hannah couldn’t tell if his face was pale because of the flashlight or because he might’ve seen a ghost.

She greeted him, and despite how anxious he seemed to be, Michael asked her if she felt better. She wished the butterflies in her stomach would leave her alone. She came here for one reason, and one reason alone.

Hannah looked around and hoped—prayed even—that everyone else would be delayed. She needed to warn him about Otto’s prank; she owed Michael that much.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“Michael, the thing is—”

And just like that, her good deed was interrupted by Michael’s classmates.

_Well, great._

If they were close, then that meant that Otto would be here soon. There was no way she could warn Michael now; she wasn’t even supposed to be here.

Just as Hannah had predicted, Otto showed up with Matthias a few minutes later, making his big entrance by pretty much blinding everyone with his flashlight. Hannah covered her eyes and stepped back.

Unsurprisingly, Freddy and Otto began bickering the moment they laid eyes on each other. Hannah didn’t pay too much attention to what they were talking about though; she needed to seize the opportunity and find a way to warn Michael. Hannah turned to face Michael and her brows knitted with worry.

Michael didn’t look well _at all_.

Otto didn’t make things better for Michael. “Hey, aren’t you the kid that the madman kidnapped? I lost—”

“Otto,” she hissed, stopping him from saying anything that wasn’t necessary. Couldn’t he see that Michael, compared to the rest, wasn’t doing well? Besides, nobody told Otto to bet his “saved money” on such a stupid and inconsiderate bet all those months ago.

Otto finally noticed her. “Hannah, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you with the others at the lake?”

“Why do you think?”

Otto grinned wickedly, clearly hyped for what was to happen. He threw his arm around her shoulder as he explained to everyone present what the “plan” was. Once he was done, he pulled her closer to him and he began walking.

“This will be fun.”

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Michael seemed to get worse the closer they all got to the caves. Compared to everyone else, he hadn’t uttered a single word, and Hannah could tell his mind was elsewhere. At least that’s what it looked like to Hannah who kept glancing discreetly at Michael. It was hard to do so though; whenever Otto sped up, his arm would move from Hannah’s shoulders to her neck, dragging her with him. It made her feel suffocated and she hated it.

“Are we there yet?” someone whined. “My legs can’t take this anymore.”

“Why don’t we just go to the lake?” Hannah heard someone else ask. “We get what we want, and Fred can see the lady of the lake or whatever her name is.”

“We could, but we’re already here,” Otto stated as he came to a halt. He gestured the vast darkness in front of them.

“Did anyone bring a map?”

“I did; got it from the library,” Freddy answered.

“Cute, but we don’t need it,” Otto said, snatching the map from his brother’s hands. 

And finally, for the first time since they’d left the tracks, Mikkel spoke up. “What do you mean ‘we don’t need it’? We could get lost…”

“I know my way around most of the caves. We’ll be fine. No one will get lost or be kidnapped.” Why did Otto have to be so insensitive?

Just before they all went inside, Hannah heard Freddy ask, “You’re staying, Michael?”

When Michael gave his answer, Hannah half-smiled. She thought it was nice of him to stay behind to keep Matthias company. At the same time though, she wondered if he really was staying to keep Matthias company or because being by the caves reminded him of the madman.

She just hoped nothing happened to him while they were all inside.

* * *

“How much longer?” Hannah whispered while pulling on Otto’s jacket. She peeked over her shoulder—she couldn’t see the entrance anymore.

“Soon,” Otto whispered back, pressing a finger against Hannah’s lips to keep her quiet. 

Hannah rolled her eyes and shoved his finger away. Did he know that him doing that was more suspicious than her question?

 _This is so boring…_ she thought, flashing her light all around the caves.

At first, Hannah had enjoyed the theories, comments, jokes, and squeals coming from Freddy and his friends. Sometimes, Otto would chime in, his voice so loud that it would boom against the cave walls, but even that had grown boring after a while. Hannah knew why he needed to make his voice loud, but she didn’t think he was doing a great job at acting “natural”. Maybe it was a good thing that he devoted his time and energy on music.

Things took an interesting turn when Otto’s flashlight began flickering.

“Fuck,” Otto murmured, smacking his flashlight against his palm. He nudged Hannah. “Let’s switch flashlights. Mine’s dying and we need it for you know what.”

Hannah reluctantly agreed to switch with him.

Moments later, Otto stopped walking, and the grin that had been present in his face slipped away.

It was time. 

“Why did you stop?” Freddy asked. He poked his brother when he didn’t response. “Hey idiot, I asked you a question.” His voice wavered. “Otto?”

“Didn’t you hear that?” Otto whispered, turning around and pressing a finger against his lips.

“Hear what?”

First, there was a long howl. It was then followed by a series of screeches.

“You guys, I was right!” Freddy exclaimed. He took off his backpack and grabbed some paper and pen. “There’s something here in the caves.”

“Fred, shut up!” two voices said in unison.

The howling and screeching began again, but this time they were accompanied by some whistling and laughter.

“Did anyone hear that?”

“I think there’s more than one.”

“What do you think it is?”

“This isn’t funny, Fred.”

“No one move,” Otto commanded as he extended his arm to “protect” everyone. He motioned Hannah to come closer, and they stepped towards the noises. “Hannah and I will check it out.”

And then, something grabbed Otto’s arm, and Hannah gasped.

“Hey!” Otto yelled as he struggled. “Help! Help me!”

“Otto!” Freddy shouted, running towards his brother, but Hannah stopped him by holding him back. They watched as Otto continued to struggle and was pulled deeper into the darkness. The only thing they could hear was Otto’s pleas.

Hannah heard whimpering and a few curse words escaping from Freddy’s friends. Freddy continued to fight to break free from Hannah’s grasp. When he succeeded, he ran towards where his brother had disappeared.

“Fred, don’t do it!” someone cried. “Someone stop him!”

Freddy didn’t get far, because just then, an “arm”, and a “foot” covered in “blood” flew towards him. Things got even worse when two “monsters” jumped from the darkness and screamed at him. Freddy and his friends all began screaming. Hannah took that opportunity to move to aside and watch the pandemonium unfold.

A third “monster” appeared, and it roared as it ran towards the crowd. Everyone’s screams intensified, and they fled from the scene.

Unable to hold it anymore, Hannah laughed until her sides hurt. She laughed until she ran out of breath. She laughed until she realized that she was the last one standing. Luckily for her, all she needed to do was place her hand on the wall and walk—

Her blood went cold and there was a pit in her stomach.

Suddenly, being inside the caves at night didn’t seem like such a good idea.

Where was she?

Then she heard footsteps, or at least she thought—hoped—they were footsteps. Maybe someone had had been too frightened to move and had gotten left behind like her.

“Come with me,” Hannah said, trying to steady her breath. She really hoped it was one of Freddy’s friends. “We’re done pranking you.”

No response.

“I’m serious. I’ll show you the way out.”

Again, no response.

“Hello?”

Hannah heard the footsteps again. Were there several footsteps or was that just the echo? What if it was an animal? Or worse, what if there truly was a monster in here?

That was stupid; monsters didn’t exist. Was she imagining things?

She heard it again.

She needed to get out now.

Trying not to freak out, Hannah turned around and walked away. The stupid flashlight started flickering.

_Not now, please._

She hit the flashlight against her palm, hoping it would work again. It was steady for three seconds before it died, leaving Hannah in complete darkness.

At that moment, Hannah knew she was screwed.

“I need to get out,” she told herself. “I need to… I need… I…” She needed to call out for help, so why was her voice failing her now?

With fear being her only compass, Hannah ran and ran until she tripped fast and hard. Pain shot up through her body and she cried out. Her hand went to reach for the flashlight, but no matter where her hands landed, all she could feel was the wet and cold cave floor.

Hannah tried standing up, but no matter what she did, her legs wouldn’t move.

This was it. This was her end. She was going to die all alone. Whoever— _whatever_ —was here in the caves was going to kill and eat her.

No one would ever find her body.

Nobody would remember her.

Nobody would miss her.

How _pathetic_.

Hannah’s chin wobbled and she whimpered.

She wanted to go home.

“Hannah?” a voice echoed throughout the caves. “Hannah? Hello!”

Was she hallucinating? 

“Hello!”

That sounded like…

“Hannah?”

She wanted to cry.

“Hannah!”

A light momentarily blinded her, but she didn’t care. She wasn’t alone anymore and that was all that mattered.

“Hannah? Are you alright?” Michael asked, sitting right next to her. His panicked eyes shifted from her face to her legs; he winced. Her tights were torn and there was blood everywhere. “Can you get up?”

Instead of answering, Hannah asked, “Do you know the way out?”

His eyes widened, and if it was possible, his face looked even paler than before. He pushed his damp hair away from his sweaty forehead, and whispered, “What do I do?”

They were screwed.

While Michael weighed their options, Hannah inched closer to him. If she hadn’t imagined things, then whatever was in here could attack them at any time. Hannah was sure that between the two of them, she would be the first one to go.

“Do you think it’s broken?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“I don’t think so,” she replied.

“Okay,” he mumbled to himself. He took a deep breath in, grabbed his flashlight, and helped Hannah stand up. She inhaled sharply at the pain.

“Maybe I should carry you,” he suggested, his voice cracking. “Just in case it’s broken, or if you need stitches.”

She shook her head. “We could slip and then things would be worse. We’ll walk.”

Hannah leaned against him, and despite how much Michael was trembling, he supported her weight as best as he could.

* * *

“I see them!” a girl shouted the moment Hannah and Michael crossed the caves’ opening. “They’re alive!”

“Michael!”

“Thank God they’re okay!”

“What took you guys so long?”

Michael gently laid Hannah down on a rock by the caves’ entrance, completely ignoring the crowd around them.

“Hannah, what the hell happened?” Heidi asked, shoving people aside. “We were this close to going to the cops and telling them what happened. You really gave us a fright.”

Otto barged into the circle, his eyes on Hannah. He was about to say something when Michael pushed him hard enough that Otto stumbled backwards. Hannah’s eyes widened and everyone went quiet. Otto wasted no time in pushing Michael back, and Michael fell hard. Otto dusted his jacket and was going to walk away, but Michael jumped back up and pushed him again. Otto, clearly losing his patience, looked prepared to beat him up. Klaus and Freddy rushed to stop them, and Michael and Otto struggled. Otto eventually broke free, fixed his jacket, and headed back to Hannah. Freddy let go of Michael and tried talking to him, but Michael simply walked away and disappeared into the forest.

“Crazy bastard,” Klaus whistled, clapping Otto’s back. “The kid got you good.” Otto’s nostrils flared and he clenched his jaw. Klaus withdrew his hand and stepped away.

“Why the hell weren’t you behind me?” Otto demanded, towering over Hannah. “This is exactly why you weren’t supposed to be here.”

How dare he blame her for what happened? How dare he!

The anger oozed out of Hannah’s every pore and her body trembled. She wanted to be like Katharina and give him a piece of her mind. She wanted to explode and let him know just how much she hated him. She wanted to slap and punch him. She wanted to shout “fuck you” and “go to hell”. She wanted to yell and scream and cry and so much more, but Hannah couldn’t find her voice. So instead, she glared at him with all her might; everyone except Otto backed away. She was determined to glare at Otto until he perished from existence.

Otto’s eyes landed on her wounds and he at least had the decency to pretend he looked sorry. “Fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen. What the hell are we supposed to do now?”

“Does it look swollen?” one of Freddy’s friends asked. “Is it broken?”

“Do you think Michael went to get the police or an ambulance?” someone else asked.

People kept asking more questions, but Hannah ignored them. She was done with everything and everyone.

Putting on her bravest face, Hannah stood up and held back a grimace.

“Where are you going?” Otto asked, stepping away. “Hannah—"

“Home,” Hannah snapped, holding her head high even though she was limping. Without looking back, she walked away.

* * *

Hannah didn’t go home.

She’d somehow managed to end at Michael’s house.

Even though Hannah had told Otto and the others that she was going home, she really hadn’t meant to go home. She didn’t know how she could face her father and tell her what had happened; after all, he thought she was going to stay at a friend’s house for the night. Hannah had decided that if she had to, she was going to stay at the bus stop all night.

Her plans had changed when she’d come across Michael. Hannah had found him near a tree, and he’d been struggling to breathe. She’d called out to him, and although he clearly hadn’t been doing well, he’d gone to her side and had been adamant about her needing to go to the hospital. They’d argued about it, until Hannah had somehow managed to convince him to take her to his place.

Despite the shaky bike ride to the Kahnwald home, they’d managed to make it in one piece. By the time they’d arrived, Hannah had calmed down.

She couldn’t say the same about Michael.

She didn’t need to be next to him to notice how much nervous energy radiated from him. She could see it in the way he paced around the house looking for a first aid kit, his shoulders so tight that Hannah thought they would snap. She could hear it in the way he desperately moved around, knocking things over. She could just feel it as he sat next to her, holding a medicine bin and dumping everything on the table as he searched for what he needed.

“It’s not broken, and I don’t think I need stitches,” she said softly, hoping it would ease his worries. He cast her a disbelieving look.

“But—"

“I’ve broken a bone before, Michael,” she confessed, not fond of the memory. “I know it isn’t broken.”

He eyed the phone as though he were still considering whether to simply call an ambulance and have professionals take over.

“I trust you,” she told him quietly.

Michael pressed his lips in a firm line, and with shaky hands, opened the rubbing alcohol. He grabbed some gauze pads and pour the alcohol on them; some of it spilled over. He locked eyes with her and said, “It’ll sting.”

“I know. Just do it.”

It stung like hell.

It took him a while to get her wounds cleaned, but by the time he put antibiotic, Hannah knew she could breathe again. In the end, the blood mixed with the dirt had made her wounds look worse than what they truly were. From what Hannah could tell, even if it took a while to heal, she wouldn’t need stitches.

Michael bandaged her legs and when he was done, he leaned against his chair. As though the events of the night had finally caught up to him, Michael covered his face with his trembling hands. He stayed like that for a while, struggling to steady his breath and stop his chin from wobbling. Hannah didn’t know what to do. She’d never seen anyone like this before.

Her fingers twitched with the need to comfort him with a hug like she’d done more than a year ago. Before she could do that though, Michael let his hands fall to his sides and he turned to face her.

“These are the moments when google and you tube come in handy,” he stated faintly.

What was he talking about?

“Want some hot cocoa?”

Hannah blinked. “No, I’m good.”

He stood up anyway and went to the kitchen. She heard him open the refrigerator, fumble around, and come back with a mug. She saw no steam though. What was the point of having cocoa if it wasn’t hot?

“What’s wrong?” she asked, seeing him frown so hard that she wondered if a permanent crease would form in between his brows.

He kept drinking, refusing to acknowledge her.

“Is it bad?”

Still, no response.

Was he upset at her?

Her blood boiled and she snapped. “Why bring me to your place if you’re just going to ignore me? You might as well have left me in the caves.”

Michael took the bait. “Don’t joke with that.”

“No, Michael, tell me why you would go through the struggle of helping me if you’re _that_ pissed at me.”

“Why would you agree to go to the caves for something so stupid?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“I was there to make sure nothing happened.”

“Says the guy who didn’t even want to go inside,” Hannah accused, folding her arms.

He stiffened. “I have my reasons… Nothing good comes from that place.”

“Then why go?”

“So things didn’t repeat themselves,” he faltered, his voice sounding faraway. He stared at the window, and his eyes watered. "Hannah, you’re lucky you just got hurt. You could’ve…”

She fixed her eyes on the medicine bin. “I know, Michael. I thought…” Her eyes stung and she played with the placemat. “Why did you go inside?”

His voice cracked. “There’s nothing worse than to never be found.”

Was he speaking from experience? Is that why he sounded so unbearably sad? As much as Hannah wanted to know, she didn’t press him on it. Why couldn’t she just thank him?

“Why do you…” Michael began, breaking the tense silence that had settled between them. “You and Otto…”

“He’s not _that_ bad once you get to know him,” Hannah said. Michael cast her a questioning look, and Hannah sighed. “We have a lot in common, okay?”

“Like what?”

 _We’re both self-centered, pathetic, and the biggest losers in Winden_ , she thought, digging her nails into her palms. “Things weren’t supposed to go like that. We were all just having fun, but don’t blame Otto. If you want someone to blame about tonight, then blame the stupid Winden tradition.”

“What Winden tradition?”

“There used to be this tradition of going into the caves—this was before Mads disappeared. I’m even sure our parents’ generation participated in it. Anyway, most of the time, people would just dare each other to go into the caves; like a test of courage or coolness or whatever. But it was also really popular to do pranks—people always tried to outdo each other with the pranks. Anyway, what happened tonight was supposed to be a prank. Everything was supposed to be okay; I swear. Otto did have the whole thing planned.”

“No, Hannah, he didn’t have everything planned out.”

“Michael, I wasn’t supposed to be there. If I hadn’t been there, everything would’ve been fine.”

He frowned. “If it hadn’t been you, it would’ve been someone else.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?” Hannah asked, feeling exhausted. “How about we talk about perpetual motion? Have you ever heard anything about that?”

Confused, Michael chuckled. “Are we really going to talk about that?”

She shrugged. “Do you think it’s possible?”

“I don’t know, Hannah,” Michael said tiredly. “The thing is…”

And so, they spoke.

They kept talking even though it was way past midnight. They kept talking even though Michael’s eyes were demanding sleep. They kept talking even though Hannah kept yawning. They kept talking until Hannah realized that Michael had fallen asleep.

Not even mad that he’d fallen asleep, Hannah grabbed a coat from the coatrack and gently placed it on him. She then closed her eyes and let the exhaustion take over.

* * *

Even though she was unbelievably tired, Hannah woke up before Michael did. She wasn’t sure if it was because she needed water, or if it was because she knew she needed to leave before Nurse Kahnwald came back from work. Hannah didn’t need more disasters.

Being careful not to wake him up, Hannah quietly picked up the mess Michael had left on the table. Everything was going well until she accidently knocked over the bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Michael’s eyes popped open and he gasped loudly. Startled, he shoved the coat off him, and he looked around. When his eyes finally landed on her, he stiffened and avoided her gaze as though it embarrassed him to have her see him like that.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Hannah said softly. “I was just trying to help pick up things before I left.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” he reassured, his voice hoarse. He cleared his throat. “I’ll go with you.”

“I can walk, really,” Hannah insisted. “You must be really tired; you barely slept, and I don’t know when Nurse Kahnwald will get back.”

He squinted his eyes at the clock. “It’s okay. She won’t be back for a while. It’s no problem, Hannah, really. I can take you.”

And just like the previous night, Hannah wrapped her arms around Michael’s waist as he rode his bicycle to the bridge. Unlike the previous night though, she wished it would take them longer to reach their destination, if only so she could stay like this for a little longer.

She firmly pressed her face against his back, and knowing that he couldn’t possibly hear her through the wind, she whispered, “Thank you.”

* * *

_November 1988_

Hannah had meant to break up with Otto; truly, she had. But then Otto had apologized—well, as close as Otto ever got to apologizing—, and he’d told her that he’d snapped at her because he’d been worried. He’d promised her it’d never been his intention to leave her behind. Hannah hadn’t been too convinced, but then he’d held her cheeks the same way she’d seen Ulrich do so to Katharina many times and Hannah had stopped thinking. Otto had kissed her, and Hannah had told him she would think about it.

She’d known that she had to break up with him; she knew no one would judge her for that. But then Katharina, who had gone to check on Hannah, had said, “Hannah, you have terrible taste. I don’t understand what you see in him.”

Peeved, Hannah had responded with, “You don’t get it, but what Otto and I have is love. We’ll get over this soon. I know he loves me, Katharina.”

And thus, Hannah’s endless cycle with Otto had begun once again.

* * *

_January 22nd 1989_

The endless cycle had changed a little.

The first change was that Hannah no longer bothered convincing everyone that her and Otto were madly in love with each other. She’d already done more than enough of that months ago and it was exhausting.

The second change was that Otto seemed more into Hannah now. He wasn’t drowning her in attention, but he at least made the effort to invite her to a few of his band practices. She didn’t care for them.

The third change was that Hannah didn’t dedicate Otto as much time as before. Sure, she still hung out with him and she kissed him, but he did didn’t consume her mind anymore. Someone else did, and it wasn’t Ulrich.

And she really hadn’t noticed how much _he’d_ taken over her mind until now.

* * *

Freezing, Hannah hastily knocked on the door.

Freddy opened the door. “Hello.”

“I made extra and thought I could share,” Hannah said, handing Freddy the pasta-filled container.

“Thank you, we appreciate it.” Freddy gestured her to come in. “Come on in; my brother’s home.”

Hannah thanked him and stepped inside. She took off her coat, but nearly let it drop as soon as she heard a certain someone’s voice. Her stomach fluttered, and she prayed she wasn’t blushing.

“Do you need help, Fred?”

“Nah, I’m good, Michael.”

Hannah walked further inside until she was at the kitchen with Freddy, Michael, Matthias, and another boy who she assumed to be Matthias’s friend.

“Hello,” she greeted.

“Hello,” they all greeted back; Michael was the only one to offer her a smile.

Hannah tried to act cool, but she ended up fidgeting with her scarf.

“What are you doing here?”

Hannah turned around and gave Otto a sidelong glance. “I’m doing well, Otto. Thanks for asking.” She sighed and folded her arms. “I came because you said we needed to talk.”

“You couldn’t wait, huh?” he muttered under his breath. He grabbed her shoulders and took her to the living room. She cast him a confused look.

“Look,” he began, releasing her arm, “I was hoping things would be different, that maybe something would change.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it’s obvious that we just aren’t into each other anymore.”

“That’s not true,” Hannah said weakly. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to break up with him, not the other way around. 

Otto lifted her chin so that they could share a kiss. Just as he was about to, Hannah heard Michael’s voice in the background, and it made her wonder what _his_ lips would feel like against hers. The thought of it startled her so much that she pushed Otto away right before he could kiss her.

Not even shocked, Otto sighed and withdrew from her. “You see? My point is proven. I’m calling it quits.”

He handed her her coat and walked her to the door. “See you at school then.”

If it hadn’t been because she’d already gone through this twice, Hannah would’ve reacted differently. So instead, Hannah mumbled, “See you at school.”

And just like that, Hannah was back to square one. 


End file.
